I would agree that certain behaviours attract/don't attract attention depending on who is carrying them out.....there is a double standard here. Whether these behaviours are a sign of neglect etc is uncertain - sometimes they are and sometimes not. Neglect/abuse can take a number if firms and not just the stereotypical ones that come to mind.
I'm surprised by so many people saying they are m/c and don't recognise the behaviour mentioned of big boozing/possible drug taking. Amongst the Prep school parents we know, there is a sizeable group who do a lot of socialising, often at each others' houses which involves big dinner parties with a LOT of booze and sometimes drugs on a regular basis. There will be lots of hung over people next day. Likewise, lots of parents will regularly drink a bottle of wine each evening and a couple in the evening, so the children are very familiar with living in a culture of drinking and often low level drunkeness/being hung over.
Two questions arise...why does this go under the radar for these families and also, should it be noticed and a cause for concern?
- Firstly, I think there can be a double standard in terms of notice taken of such behaviour. Perhaps these white collar workers are drinking in the privacy of their own homes and not drawing loud attention to themselves in public. Because their children are fed and clothed and more obvious signs of neglect not evident, any known drinking is laughed off rather than seen as a cause for concern. This might be different to regular drinking in some circles drawing attention....if it is done loudly and publically. people don't laugh at 'posh people enjoying themselves' but look down their noses at 'poor people drawing attention to themselves and showing themselves up' - people drinking lager in a social housing estate and then coming out to dance in the street aren't necessarily doing any less well with their parenting, but their behaviour is much more public and that's why it gets noticed.
When the drunken behaviour is public it gets noticed. And people see that behaviour, especially from certain groups as being a poss lie indicator of neglect. It doesn't directly correlate, but it will be the case, that some children who experience neglect do live in families which exhibit such behaviour. The public behaviour simply draws the attention of neighbours, school, services and raise the question of whether there is neglect etc. Because the middle classes do it more surreptitiously, the attention isn't attracted. Becaue some of the behaviour isn't as loud, it doesn't seem so concerning.....although it could well be.
And then there's the issue of whether this culture of drinking matters. If your children are well fed and housed and clothed and go to school and attend clubs, does it matter if the parents drink a lot in weekdays or are regularly drunk at weekends? Does it only matter where it hinders the ability of parents to feed and clothe their children or pay for swimming lessons?
I would say that the impacts are often pervasive and more significant than noticed. So the middle class child with parents who regularly drink might not lack dinner money or school uniform, but they might have to make their own breakfast because a parent can't get out of bed at the weekend. Is that serious enough to be neglect? Not perhaps if you're 10 and you've had a good meal at school, but it is neglect if you're 3. What about if the child sees their parents behaving in a drunken manner or causing damage or possibly rowing and fighting due to drink....that's not okay. And where is the boundary between enjoying a drink and being an alcoholic? Lots of children grow up with alcoholic parents who seem to function and go to work and appear 'normal' to the world, but behave terribly to their children and have them growing up in a culture of fear of mood swings related to drink or having to be complicit in hiding it. This can happen to children of any class.
Some parents do seem to be o the radar of any authorities much more. Those who have been flagged on any kind of system, such as receiving benefits, or having medical issues, or receiving housing or any kind of support, might be noticed more quickly for drinking/being hung over. Organisations such as schools are told to be on the look out for 'flags' of concern and one flag means being extra vigilant for others. Quite simply, the middle class are less likely to have so many flags, so when one does exist in seeming isolation, it's perhaps easier to go undetected.
It probably is easier for those with plenty to drink and be borderline alcoholics and still meet the basic practical needs of children, than it is for those with little. Having money does allow some covering over of weaknesses or inabilities to provide care by paying for things. However, this is only to a point and bearing in mind that care or neglect and abuse is about so much more than simple food and accommodation and clean clothes, significant and regular significant drinking probably is a cause for concern but iften goes undetected amongst many. As so many say here, they were middle class and victims in childhood and no-one noticed. We hope everyone is more geared up to notice and some of the gaps closed now, but it may well still be easier for middle class neglect and abuse to go unnoticed. However, the safeguarding leads in all of the affluent state schools and in the fee paying schools will tell you, that there is no shortage of concerns and cases and there are always children to follow up who are connected with social services despite affluence, or who come to attention through the listening and counselling services that schools now run.