Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

901 replies

catfunk · 01/08/2021 12:59

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 03/08/2021 09:45

The harlots! Grin

Monday26July · 03/08/2021 09:55

@Bryonyshcmyony

Mums meeting other mums for wine in the afternoon?! What harridans. BURN THEM
This is of course extreme, for comic effect, but I can't be the only one who thinks that getting together in the afternoon and drinking wine rather than coffee or tea is problematic and not typical?
RickOShay · 03/08/2021 09:58

But it’s not so funny for the children is it?
When you’ve been brought up in a nice big house, holidays and all the accessories, but you’ve been abused and/or neglected, and those experiences aren’t believed or taken seriously, how do you think those children feel?
Take the house, the cars, the swimming pools, the ponies, the Waitrose food, the nannies, the cleaners, fucking have them.
I’d like some love please.

Savoury · 03/08/2021 10:00

I hope it is unusual to drink wine as casually as coffee at 2pm while discussing sore nipples or the sleep issues of their 6 week old infants.

Comedycook · 03/08/2021 10:02

I don't drink much and I certainly don't drink in the afternoon when I'm looking after my kids. But then I was brought up by an alcoholic parent who eventually died due to it...so all the mum/gin/wine jokes aren't very amusing to me

Bryonyshcmyony · 03/08/2021 10:07

@RickOShay

But it’s not so funny for the children is it? When you’ve been brought up in a nice big house, holidays and all the accessories, but you’ve been abused and/or neglected, and those experiences aren’t believed or taken seriously, how do you think those children feel? Take the house, the cars, the swimming pools, the ponies, the Waitrose food, the nannies, the cleaners, fucking have them. I’d like some love please.
What's funny?

And obviously that's really sad and awful (my childhood very similar) but children being unloved is not what is going to get social services involved.

Comedycook · 03/08/2021 10:10

@Bryonyshcmyony

Mums meeting other mums for wine in the afternoon?! What harridans. BURN THEM
Oh tee hee...wine is so funny isn't it ..oh aren't we naughty for having a drink..oh what bad mums we are...oh so funny, so original.
Bryonyshcmyony · 03/08/2021 10:11

Of course women getting together and drinking wine in the afternoon isn't necessarily problematic! If they aren't driving and aren't paralytic then what on earth is the problem?

I went cold water swimming with a group of women last week. We went to the pub afterwards and most of them had a beer (not me, low carbing!) One had a large glass of chardonnay. Couldn't be more middle class really but at no point did I feel social services should be involved. Oh and one of them is a cleaner and one's a single parent bringing up her grandkids because her daughter died of alcohol related issues, staunchly working class.

Comedycook · 03/08/2021 10:15

@Bryonyshcmyony

Of course women getting together and drinking wine in the afternoon isn't necessarily problematic! If they aren't driving and aren't paralytic then what on earth is the problem?

I went cold water swimming with a group of women last week. We went to the pub afterwards and most of them had a beer (not me, low carbing!) One had a large glass of chardonnay. Couldn't be more middle class really but at no point did I feel social services should be involved. Oh and one of them is a cleaner and one's a single parent bringing up her grandkids because her daughter died of alcohol related issues, staunchly working class.

Plenty of people have an afternoon drink...but I wouldn't if I was looking after my kids or picking them up from school
Maggiesfarm · 03/08/2021 10:17

I've never come across mums drinking wine in the afternoon though I suppose they could have a couple of glasses if they were at a barbecue or a lunch over a weekend. Generally only alcoholics drink during the day.

There are neglected children in every strata of society; the 'middle classes' (which is a broad category), are being unfairly highlighted here.

Comedycook · 03/08/2021 10:17

I know a vair posh woman who is basically a functioning alcoholic....it's extremely obvious to me yet everyone around her seems to find it hilarious...she is wealthy and drinks decent wine and expensive whiskey in her lovely big house. If she was drinking the same amount of units in cider in a council flat, everyone would be horrified and would see her for exactly what she is

Oblomov21 · 03/08/2021 10:18

"problematic and not typical?"

Oh that has really made me laugh.
How twee. Of course, God forbid any mother did anything for herself rather than be 100% child focused for 18+ years.

Bryonyshcmyony · 03/08/2021 10:19

I would have in the past when they were small as long as I didn't have to drive. I wouldn't have been drunk but I've definitely had a large glass of wine with a friend at lunchtime at my house then looked after my kids and animals. I couldn't do it now as I'm older and alcohol affects me more I feel awful day drinking.

Bryonyshcmyony · 03/08/2021 10:20

@Comedycook

I know a vair posh woman who is basically a functioning alcoholic....it's extremely obvious to me yet everyone around her seems to find it hilarious...she is wealthy and drinks decent wine and expensive whiskey in her lovely big house. If she was drinking the same amount of units in cider in a council flat, everyone would be horrified and would see her for exactly what she is
This is fast becoming a Mumsnet Trope.

If she's an alcoholic, she's an alcoholic and it will start to affect her life and health in the way it catches up with all alcoholics.

Oblomov21 · 03/08/2021 10:21

"Generally only alcoholics drink during the day."

Hmm
Bryonyshcmyony · 03/08/2021 10:22

@Oblomov21

"Generally only alcoholics drink during the day."

Hmm

Did someone say that?

Amazing what bollocks people will panic write to justify their position

Pretty sure none of the old bags (our words) I went swimming with last week are alcoholics, and the majority of them had a beer or cider.

Comedycook · 03/08/2021 10:24

if she's an alcoholic, she's an alcoholic and it will start to affect her life and health in the way it catches up with all alcoholics

Absolutely....but I'm talking about people's perception of her

Bryonyshcmyony · 03/08/2021 10:26

@Comedycook

if she's an alcoholic, she's an alcoholic and it will start to affect her life and health in the way it catches up with all alcoholics

Absolutely....but I'm talking about people's perception of her

Well to be fair you have no idea what people's perception of her is. You know YOUR perception of her. Perhaps people close to her are worried. Perhaps noone cares because her drinking isn't actually problematic?
Comedycook · 03/08/2021 10:29

Well I suppose I'm talking more broadly about the culture which sees drinking as hilarious... especially if mums do it. Those hideous driftwood signs people put up about wine o'clock or prosecco o'clock. Of course not everyone who likes a drink is an alcoholic but this pervasive drinking culture is really good as masking real problems.

Haudyourwheesht · 03/08/2021 10:39

@NickyOy

And why Madeleine McCanns parents got away with leaving their kids in an apartment when they were out having a meal. If that was a working class family they would have had social services come down on them like a tonne of bricks
That's ok, as they got what they deserved, eh?
Bryonyshcmyony · 03/08/2021 10:43

@Comedycook

Well I suppose I'm talking more broadly about the culture which sees drinking as hilarious... especially if mums do it. Those hideous driftwood signs people put up about wine o'clock or prosecco o'clock. Of course not everyone who likes a drink is an alcoholic but this pervasive drinking culture is really good as masking real problems.
The driftwood signs are hideous I will agree with you there 😅
randomlyLostInWales · 03/08/2021 10:50

When we moved after birth of second child HV seem to flag us up as vunerable they gave no practical help- but did take to door stopping with no appointment and getting very angry with me if I was out.

In end I was uspet and spoke to my Mum - that was she was it she there for next weight in she was with me and she managed to drop a significant amoun to information about our higher educations backgrounds, income and family support.

That was it - not sure what it was that we had visible support - I had said- or someone confirming we had resouces but the constant door stopping which had started to feel like harrisment not support stopped.

After birth of third child DH was coincidentally there when HV turned up again no prior appointment had been made with us - she commented on his PhD graduation pciture asking why he was in fancy dress - and was visible taken back he has a PhD and that we had bought current house not rented. There were a few other things that stuck us as odd about it but I think we were moved into different category.

So I'd love to say class never plays a role but I think even professionals are human and may have class class bias or make assumptions with skew preceptions around class and resources avaliable.

RickOShay · 03/08/2021 11:00

@Maggiesfarm

I've never come across mums drinking wine in the afternoon though I suppose they could have a couple of glasses if they were at a barbecue or a lunch over a weekend. Generally only alcoholics drink during the day.

There are neglected children in every strata of society; the 'middle classes' (which is a broad category), are being unfairly highlighted here.

Unfairly highlighted you say? I’d say this thread has been validating and useful for people who have felt they weren’t really believed about their childhood pain.
FreekStar2 · 03/08/2021 11:08

There are some very odd attitudes to alcohol on mumsnet in general. The belief that only alcoholics drink in the day is madness. If someone is drinking every day then they have a problem, but the idea that it is wrong to drink on a lunchtime date with a friend, or a bbq, or with a Sunday lunch out in a pub is weird thinking to me. Lots of people can enjoy a day-time drink and still be able to look after a child- I certainly can! I would have to drink a hell of a lot before I couldn’t. My friend hosted afternoon tea for her birthday just recently and nobody batted an eyelid at drinking a few glasses of Prosecco at 2pm! None of us are alcoholics!

Monday26July · 03/08/2021 11:17

@Oblomov21

"problematic and not typical?"

Oh that has really made me laugh.
How twee. Of course, God forbid any mother did anything for herself rather than be 100% child focused for 18+ years.

I think you're wilfully misunderstanding my comment if that's what you've taken from it. Either that or you perhaps have some difficulties with reading comprehension.
Swipe left for the next trending thread