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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People talking to you in public

330 replies

Mummybasketball · 01/08/2021 01:10

I was eating a breakfast by myself, head buried in my phone and someone comes up to talk to me as e cafe had been done over and looking posh.

Aibu by thinking he’s a rude one?

OP posts:
changingstages · 01/08/2021 08:16

@miltonj

Part of going to cafes is chatting to others. Being friendly, interacting with the world is part of going out. Not everybody is trying it in on, in certain parts of the country it's absolutely normal to have chat with others in a public place. And yes, men do it to men too! Everyday interactions are what makes life, life, and add joy. People should really calm down, enjoy life, and stop making every little part of life into a situation to get up in arms about!
Going to a cafe is getting food.
changingstages · 01/08/2021 08:17

This reply has been deleted

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Popcornbetty · 01/08/2021 08:18

'She’s a 8/10...'! you're unreasonable for this comment alone.

Wishes2020 · 01/08/2021 08:19

I get the feeling that your attitude is the future. We will all be sitting glued to our phones then jumping back on them to act outraged because someone tried to speak to us in real life!

ConcernedAuntie · 01/08/2021 08:19

It's a few minutes out of your day, not a lifetime commitment. Jeez.

Gallowayan · 01/08/2021 08:21

I generally like these kind of chatty exchanges. Context matters though and not much context given by OP initially. I am a similar age and would not have tried to initiate a chat in those circumstances. It can be just be that the person is lonely, and I always try to respond graciously. It is often people who are isolated and with poor MH in my experience.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 01/08/2021 08:22

@NiceGerbil

Women are not under an obligation to chat to random men who decide that they want s chat. Irrespective of what the woman is doing.

I'm surprised so many posters see it as something women should do!

Or maybe it's just one human being being friendly and chatty to another human being. But then she's already said that she's 30, a size 8-10 and he's like...60. Why does that even matter - she didn't say he was being pervy.
Benjispruce5 · 01/08/2021 08:23

Move to Sweden or Japan. Apparently they( culturally albeit anecdotal) are very private and don’t chat to strangers.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 01/08/2021 08:23

@Popcornbetty

'She’s a 8/10...'! you're unreasonable for this comment alone.
Exactly!
campion · 01/08/2021 08:25

Northerners eh?! What are they like!!

It's Yorkshire Day today so if that's where you are be very careful. Outbreaks of friendliness could get even worse.

gardeninggirl68 · 01/08/2021 08:26

It's a goady Op

Ageist too

Doubt it even happened!

MongoAkimboAGoGo · 01/08/2021 08:27

Oh can’t be doing with people who want to chat to strangers. I feel like screaming “fuck off” at them, and if I had chips I’d be tempted to throw a chip at them. People don’t tend to approach me though, I must have an uninviting face

robotcollision · 01/08/2021 08:27

@NiceGerbil

Indeedy.

I had a random bloke stop me in Sainsbury local the other day block my path and then go on about... I can't even remember. Reduction stickers and his sons new job and....
Whenever I made s comment in response he completely ignored it Grin

I'm usually quite good at escaping but he didn't stop monologuing so my usual. Sorry in s rush nice talking to you and leg it. Was hard to slot in when he didn't stop and ignored everything I said!

I hate this. I love a brief casual conversation with strangers but then you move on, you don't collar them and talk at them.
sammylady37 · 01/08/2021 08:33

Part of going to cafes is chatting to others.

No, it’s not, not for everyone. I go to cafes to get tea and food and maybe have a little rest if I’ve been out shopping all morning or on my feet a lot. I want to relax and read my book or something on my phone while there, not talk to random strangers.

Everyday interactions are what makes life, life, and add joy

I get joy from many things in life, but total strangers interrupting me and trying to initiate conversation is not one of them.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 01/08/2021 08:34

Just realised my mistake, not a size 8-10 but rates herself 8/10!!!
Geez - this just gets worse!
Get over yourself love, try being a little less hostile, judgy, self important and self absorbed.
Try interacting with real humans instead of burying yourself in your phone and then coming onto the internet to get validation from complete strangers online.

Babdoc · 01/08/2021 08:34

I don’t see “looking at your phone” as a signal that you don’t want conversation.
I’m widowed and often go to the theatre or concert hall alone.
During the interval I will get my phone out, rather than sit there looking forlorn like a Billy-no-mates. If other audience members lean over to chat, I am delighted to discuss the performance and make conversation with them!
OP, that 60 year old chap was unlikely to be hitting on you. He was just making a friendly passing remark.
The subtext was probably “Hello fellow human. I note your existence and would be happy if you noted mine. Let’s exchange a brief moment of social contact in a big lonely universe.” And your subtext was “No, fuck off.” Which you are of course entitled to, but it wasn’t a very gracious response.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 01/08/2021 08:34

A 60 year old man and a 30 year old women meet in a supermarket…. She’s a 8/10 and he’s, well 60.
Yeah you can tell you’re not from up north. We’re not cunts.

butterpuffed · 01/08/2021 08:36

@Wishes2020

I get the feeling that your attitude is the future. We will all be sitting glued to our phones then jumping back on them to act outraged because someone tried to speak to us in real life!
And we'll get all our food/clothes shopping online and just be stuck indoors permanently with just the family to chat to.

Oh, hang on, we won't have family because we never go out to meet people. Online dating will become a thing of the past because we'll never actually want to meet them.

I'm from the South [Kent] , where, contrary to what most think, we're quite happy to respond if someone strikes up a conversation Grin

Fedduup32 · 01/08/2021 08:38

This reminds me of a book I read “gift of fear” can’t remember author I think gavin de Becker. He’s a security expert and written about all the women who have been victims of assault etc. His one piece of advice was you do not need to be friendly to strangers, as a society women are taught to be nice and helpful.

Obviously I’m not saying this man was a danger he was probably just lonely looking for conversation but it just reminded me of the book. I think it’s a book every woman should read especially to our daughters. We are not responsible for making others feel good if we don’t wa t to. If u want a chat have one but if you don’t then don’t worry about being rude, he could easily strike a conversation with another person. Never apologise for having boundaries even if others disagree.

Badbadbunny · 01/08/2021 08:39

@LordOfTheThings Some people are just unfriendly who think they are a bit above others and certainly wouldn't dream of engaging in conversation with someone so ... beneath them.

More likely they have social anxiety, which is worsened by random strangers trying to strike up conversations.

My OH is like that. He just can't "do" small talk. His brain isn't wired to do it. For him, it's nothing to do with snobbery. He'll talk for hours about certain things to anyone, but he has major issues about bridging the gap between a nod/smile and a full blown conversation. He's always been that way. When I first met him (at work) he came across as snobbish and would only talk the bare minimum work related, all our workmates thought the same, but he'd always smile and was always polite with pleases and thank yous. It took weeks until he was confident enough to actual talk to us about non work things. The only way we got together was a couple of work tasks where we spent a lot of time working together and his true personality came through. That was nearly 40 years ago and he's still the same. He's not got a snobbish bone in his body but still gets stressed/anxious about initial social contacts, meeting someone for the first time etc., which makes his behaviour seem odd.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2021 08:40

@Mandalay246

I can't believe how unpleasant so many MNers are! Surely it wouldn't hurt you to respond? God forbid that anyone should try to be friendly to a stranger.
It's because it's man, innit. He should only refrain to talk to other penis owners...
OldTurtleNewShell · 01/08/2021 08:40

Surprised at all the people thinking the OP is being unreasonable. I hate it when people do that, especially while I'm eating. It's extremely rude.
And as for the comments about entitlement? There's not a lot more entitled than approaching a total stranger expecting them to give you their time and full attention because you feel in the mood to socalise whether they do or not. Bonus entitlement points for getting miffed when they don't want to.

queenMab99 · 01/08/2021 08:41

May be 8/10 in looks, if one is shallow enough to judge, but not sure what the personality rating would be?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 01/08/2021 08:41

If you're an 8 out of 10, and he's (clutches pearls) 60 Shock, then he was unlikely to be chatting you up OP (unless he's really into getting knocked back).

I'd guess he was being friendly and sharing an observation about the cafe being refurbished and you happened to be there. Is it that he is a man daring to speak to a woman out of his "league"? Would a friendly observation from a 60 year old woman been okay?

For these reasons, I'm going to say yes, you were being unreasonable.

I do hope having to interrupt your reading to listen to another (perhaps lonely) human hasn't caused permanent damage.Hmm

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2021 08:43

I live up north and i can totally imagine the situation when he was just passing, said it looks posh now, op if she were northernee would say some version of "yeah", he would nod and walk away. Pasaing convo. Totally love thishere.
Or that people in a city actually go and ask if someone is ok and needs directions if they see the person looks lost😂

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