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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being manipulative?

131 replies

Gasalee · 31/07/2021 15:31

It is my parents 25th wedding anniversary in August and around 2 weeks ago they said that they wanted to go away together for a weekend to celebrate. I have a 12 year old little brother and I said that I would look after him to allow them to do this. Mum has messaged me to say that they have booked a holiday in Cornwall for 10 days. This is considerably longer than I initially offered so I went back and queried it as it was much longer than I agreed but mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

I told mum I don’t begrudge them time away together but if they wanted to change the initial agreement then they should have asked me first. Mum then said well it’s booked now and asked why I didn’t want to spend time with my brother and that she has already told him that he is staying with me for 10 days but she will tell him that I don’t want to have him and see if anyone else in the family will look after him.

This has really annoyed me as I love my brother very much and I would never say I don’t want him (I take him out and spend time with him as much as I can although this has reduced because of lockdowns/tier3 in recent times) and I feel lied to and being somewhat emotionally blackmailed. AIBU to be completely miffed by my parent’s and feel manipulated by their behaviour?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 15:32

You’re totally not unreasonable that’s really shitty of them. Honestly I don’t know what it is with parents treating their kids like shit but this is the third thread I’ve read today.

I8toys · 31/07/2021 15:34

That's awful. Its our 25th anniversary in August and would not burden my eldest like this. One night is more than enough.

Bagelsandbrie · 31/07/2021 15:34

Wow that’s cheeky of them!! I’d be so annoyed. 10 days is completely different to a weekend. I’d say no. You can explain to your brother that you love having him stay but you have other things booked in / appointments etc and can’t do longer than a weekend. At 12 he can understand this and it’s not fair of your mum to emotionally blackmail you.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/07/2021 15:34

That's a massive load of entitlement and assumption by your parents. I'm sure you would have agreed to the 10 days - IF they'd had the courtesy to ask you first.

HermioneGrunger · 31/07/2021 15:35

Will you be expected to take the time off work to look after him?

Elbie79 · 31/07/2021 15:37

I'd be livid. Massive pisstake. Do they do this in relation to other things? YDNBU.

Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 15:37

Meh. Yeah its entitled of them in a sense but it's also weird how uptight our society has become. He's your brother and it's only 10 days.

Lentil63 · 31/07/2021 15:37

I’m a mum and a Nan, I would never do this to my sons. Yes it’s manipulative and no you’re not unreasonable.
However, if you can do it, I wouldn’t risk your relationship with your little brother but I’d be telling your parents in no uncertain terms not to put you in a situation like this again.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 15:39

Who the fuck is voting the op is being unreasonable? Confused

Bigfathairyones · 31/07/2021 15:40

Whether you would have agreed to take him for the 10 days if asked ahead of time is entirely beside the point. A weekend is eminently do-able in terms of entertainment/work/cost etc, but 10 days is so different. I'm assuming that you don't have to work for the 10 day period? I would be very, very annoyed and would not be happy either; presumptuous to say the least.

Cherrysoup · 31/07/2021 15:40

You are not their babysitter. Just reiterate that you should have been consulted, not just landed with the extra days. Do you wfh that you can have him? What will you do with him for that length of time?

Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 15:40

@Bluntness100
I fucking did!

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 15:40

Mum then said well it’s booked now and asked why I didn’t want to spend time with my brother and that she has already told him that he is staying with me for 10 days but she will tell him that I don’t want to have him and see if anyone else in the family will look after him.

Yes, award-winning manipulation going on there.
Also - she's an arsehole.

I'll bet she has form for doing exactly what she wants, while whinging for Britain about how martyred she feels.

Hope you have fun with your brother OP, & when she gets back, feel free to tell her that she's a game-playing passive-aggressive dick ... that should land nicely ;)

Waspsarearseholes · 31/07/2021 15:41

Oh that's really shitty of them. All its done is make you reluctant to offer to babysit again, it's rather short-sighted of them. They've really taken the piss here and the way your mum is reacting about it now is very telling. It's obviously up to you if you want to do it but she could forget any future favours from you after this crappy stunt.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2021 15:41

That’s properly shit. Is this the first time she’s taken the piss out of your kindness?

You can change your mind and say no. She had no right to change the plan that much or to tell him he’d be with you without your agreement.

I’d go back to her and say it’s not on and you won’t be going along with it.

He’s their child, not yours, and they don’t get to dump him on you without your express consent.

Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 15:41

Work isn’t a problem as I am working from home so he can have my spare room and living room whilst I work from my dining room.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/07/2021 15:42

I'd make it really clear " You asked me to look after DBro for a weekend- not 10 days. You should have asked me before booking for that length of time."

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2021 15:42

@Kalvinette

Meh. Yeah its entitled of them in a sense but it's also weird how uptight our society has become. He's your brother and it's only 10 days.
Maybe you’d like to have him then. It’s only 10 days Hmm

OP didn’t offer 10 days. She hasn’t agreed to 10 days. She’s not his parent.

iklboo · 31/07/2021 15:43

He's your brother and it's only 10 days.

So? What if OP already had made plans herself?

Saying they'll tell her little brother she doesn't want him is despicable.

Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 15:43

@AnneLovesGilbert
Well no, I wouldn't, he's not my brother. Hmm
And no she's not his parent, but she is his sister Hmm

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 15:45

@Kalvinette

Meh. Yeah its entitled of them in a sense but it's also weird how uptight our society has become. He's your brother and it's only 10 days.
OP is neither uptight nor moaning about the fact of looking after her brother for 10 days. She's pissed off - rightly - about being presented with a fait accompli, & then emotionally blackmailed into being the Bad Guy if she doesn't istantly kow-tow to her mother's whims.

I also cannot fathom how you see the parents' behaviour as entitled "in a sense". What has "uptight society" got to do with the fact that the mother booked 10 days away without arranging childcare, then expected OP to cheerfully accept a role she hadn't volunteered for?

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2021 15:45

I’m assuming you’re 24 or thereabouts- don’t you work? Effectively they’re asking for a whole working week’s worth of childcare in school holidays plus two weekends. That’s really cheeky!

I’d have a conversation (not texts) where you say it’s not fair to blackmail you with the threat of saying you don’t want your brother - that’s very cruel to him as well as you. And that you’re happy to have him for a long weekend but they should rethink 10 days - can’t he come for any of it? If they can afford 10 days in Cornwall this year at short notice they’re fortunate…

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 15:46

[quote Kalvinette]@Bluntness100
I fucking did![/quote]
Why?
Do you also have form for booking holidays without any thought to childcare, then arbitrarily foisting your kids on someone alse without notice or agreement?

Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 15:47

@ChargingBuck
I guess I just see it as the brother is 12 so doesnt need nannying, and it could actually even be fun 🤷‍♀️

TokenGinger · 31/07/2021 15:47

They probably should have asked. However, if in your shoes and my mum said to me retrospectively, I've booked 10 days away, I wouldn't bat an eyelid at having my brother with me for longer. It really wouldn't bother me, so maybe your parents booked without considering thinking you genuinely wouldn't mind, given the great relationship you say you have with your brother.