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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being manipulative?

131 replies

Gasalee · 31/07/2021 15:31

It is my parents 25th wedding anniversary in August and around 2 weeks ago they said that they wanted to go away together for a weekend to celebrate. I have a 12 year old little brother and I said that I would look after him to allow them to do this. Mum has messaged me to say that they have booked a holiday in Cornwall for 10 days. This is considerably longer than I initially offered so I went back and queried it as it was much longer than I agreed but mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

I told mum I don’t begrudge them time away together but if they wanted to change the initial agreement then they should have asked me first. Mum then said well it’s booked now and asked why I didn’t want to spend time with my brother and that she has already told him that he is staying with me for 10 days but she will tell him that I don’t want to have him and see if anyone else in the family will look after him.

This has really annoyed me as I love my brother very much and I would never say I don’t want him (I take him out and spend time with him as much as I can although this has reduced because of lockdowns/tier3 in recent times) and I feel lied to and being somewhat emotionally blackmailed. AIBU to be completely miffed by my parent’s and feel manipulated by their behaviour?

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 31/07/2021 16:23

Ooof. OP it sounds like (a) because you're wfh they think you're not really working and can drop everything and (b) that they don't think much of their children if they're so desperate to get rid of your brother for 10 days and to put you in a shitty situation.

How many other boundaries do they trample over?

LopsidedWombat · 31/07/2021 16:27

Ten days is massively different to a weekend and very presumptuous of them. You could have had plans, commitments or just not fancied having a house guest for 10 days. Even if you're happy to do it the fact they didn't ask you first is absolutely unreasonable of them and then to guilt trip you for querying this change of plan... Not ok.

Baystard · 31/07/2021 16:28

I'd be thinking she was a CF for booking 10 days when you agreed a weekend and you can be pissed off.

However, as soon as she said she'd tell your brother you didn't want him that went way beyond cheeky fuckery, that's horrible and I'd be furious, and feel really sorry for your poor brother who has to live with a parent who would do this to their child (either of you!).

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/07/2021 16:28

I think they have ended up shooting themselves in the foot anyway. If you offer a weekend and they book 10 days you're very unlikely to be offering any favours in the future in case they take the piss again

NeedNewKnees · 31/07/2021 16:31

So you’re expected to look after your brother for 5 times longer than agreed and your mum’s response is “you don’t love your brother”?? What manipulative tosh! Your mum’s a CF.

aiwblam · 31/07/2021 16:39

Cheeky, manipulative bitch.

NeonJellyBaby · 31/07/2021 16:41

If they wanted a child free holidays so much then they should have thought about that before they started having kids. Give it another four or five years and your brother will be older and won’t want go away with them anyway. Why can’t they just wait till then? Selfish and entitled and I’d imagine it’s not a one off anyway.

Goldielow · 31/07/2021 16:42

No they're taking the p*ss. I'd have to outright say no. You agreed to something to be nice, and they've repaid you by taking advantage without asking and now manipulating you into you thinking you're the bad guy. How horrible is it for your brother being made to feel in the way by your parents?! Just because they've been raising kids for 24 years doesn't mean they can treat you like this. They chose to have kids and a weekend away is more than generous of you. I'd say on the manipulation alone and let them know they can't behave like that. How horrible.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 31/07/2021 16:44

mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

Well she'd better not waste it as I doubt you'll be offering again OP.

Pissinthepottyplease · 31/07/2021 16:45

I think they are taking the piss massively. I would either be saying you can do 3 night only or never be offering to do it again.

Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 16:50

Thanks for your replies, I am glad that most agree with me. I have considered refusing and saying it is not what was agreed but I don’t want to upset my brother in any way as he is entirely blameless in this.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 31/07/2021 16:50

The posters saying he’s your brother and it’s only ten days. Would be up in arms if OP decided to foist her child on her parents and piss off on holiday.

Then it’s all, you chose to have children, your parents don’t owe you free childcare blah blah.

Works both ways. The parents are being cheeky fuckers, if they want to go away alone make childcare arrangements.

Notonthestairs · 31/07/2021 16:59

Standard MN response is - you decided to have children, they are your responsibility.

Op - you seem like a lovely sister and I hope you get to have nice time with your brother.

Your mum is a manipulative so&so and I wouldn't be doing her any other favours.

everythingbackbutyou · 31/07/2021 17:02

@Kalvinette, is there even such a thing as 'tacking on' an entire extra week of childcare??

Hardbackwriter · 31/07/2021 17:03

I'm amazed that anyone thinks an extra week is a little thing that OP shouldn't be making a fuss about. I wouldn't want an adult houseguest for that long, it's a very long time to babysit for!

MyriadeOfThings · 31/07/2021 17:05

I’d have him but say NO next time they ask for help. Because I suspect this is not the first time they took you for granted and use emotional manipulation to get what they wanted.

Meanwhile, see your brother on YOUR terms.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 31/07/2021 17:06

You mother is a fucking bitch. Manipulative and selfish.

In your shoes, I’d say nothing now. Have your brother and enjoy the time with him as much as you can when working.

Once the holiday is over, I’d tell your mother that that is the very last favour she ever gets from me. She trampled over your good nature, emotionally blackmailed you into having your brother for longer just so she could have a jolly. Utterly disgusting behaviour and her consequence is that a clear line in the sand has been drawn: not one more favour again.

I imagine your mother isn’t a nice person at any other time so wouldn’t fee and saying this to her - and fully meaning it.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 31/07/2021 17:06

‘Would not feel bad saying this to her’ - it is supposed to say!

crosstalk · 31/07/2021 17:09

OP I think it's disgraceful. If you have agreed despite the emotional blackmail for the sake of your brother, can you ask DP for money towards a sports course or art day your DB can go on because you will need x and y days to work hard and its not fair on him.

I asked my DM for 4 days childcare when we went away for the first time in 5 years. She agreed readily and a good time was had by all. I would never have dreamt of asking her for another 5 days even though even then she was partly working from home.

I wonder if OPs not so dear mum has ever worked.

MzHz · 31/07/2021 17:15

I’d agree now for the 10 days and tell them to enjoy it because it will be literally the very last time you ever offer to help them again

Tell them that you don’t appreciate giving an inch for them to snatch a mile and a half and they know they are complete piss takers and that you won’t forget this.

A weekend is a weekend a fucking holiday is a massive piss take.

Namechangecharlie999 · 31/07/2021 17:16

This is a classic example of giving an inch and them taking a mile. How do you get to 10 days from a weekend?! It’s not even like they tacked a few days on like leaving Thursday and returning Tuesday. 10 days! I had a friend who’s mum stole money that was left to her, because she was still a minor. It was a few thousand and when she got older she challenged her mum. Her mother replied “I gave birth to you”

Mary46 · 31/07/2021 17:18

She was cheeky op. Hate stuff presumed. I couldnt manage something lately and she said did she have to shame me and ask a neighbour for lift. Cheeky mayor!!! They devious in how they say it too

Benjispruce5 · 31/07/2021 17:28

She should have checked. To go from a weekend to 12 days is very cheeky. We had our 25th this summer and had a meal out as previous plans were Vance due to Covid. She’s taking liberties I think. It’s along time to leave a 12 year old.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 31/07/2021 17:35

Charge her for the extra days?

ILoveYou3000 · 31/07/2021 17:41

@Gasalee

Have they at least offered you money for having to feed a 12 year old boy for 10 days? How about any extra for activities for you to do with him? Or are you expected to fund it all?

The manipulation is outrageous. The absolute least you deserved was being asked. Will having him mean you have to cancel any plans of your own?