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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being manipulative?

131 replies

Gasalee · 31/07/2021 15:31

It is my parents 25th wedding anniversary in August and around 2 weeks ago they said that they wanted to go away together for a weekend to celebrate. I have a 12 year old little brother and I said that I would look after him to allow them to do this. Mum has messaged me to say that they have booked a holiday in Cornwall for 10 days. This is considerably longer than I initially offered so I went back and queried it as it was much longer than I agreed but mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

I told mum I don’t begrudge them time away together but if they wanted to change the initial agreement then they should have asked me first. Mum then said well it’s booked now and asked why I didn’t want to spend time with my brother and that she has already told him that he is staying with me for 10 days but she will tell him that I don’t want to have him and see if anyone else in the family will look after him.

This has really annoyed me as I love my brother very much and I would never say I don’t want him (I take him out and spend time with him as much as I can although this has reduced because of lockdowns/tier3 in recent times) and I feel lied to and being somewhat emotionally blackmailed. AIBU to be completely miffed by my parent’s and feel manipulated by their behaviour?

OP posts:
BillyWhozz · 31/07/2021 17:47

[quote Kalvinette]@ChargingBuck

I'm not saying it's great, it's definitely a bit thoughtless. But the OP had already agreed to watch her brother so they just decided to tack a week on and probably just assumed she wouldnt mind. It's not great but I dont see it as treating someone like shit or a servant or being manipulative.[/quote]
WTF - it's an entire week! It's a huge difference! How could you just assume this would be ok? Who knows what commitments the OP has in this time.

LauraFlashley · 31/07/2021 17:52

I'd have asked who was going to look after him the rest of the holiday.

Very cheeky.

gamerchick · 31/07/2021 17:56

Oh well, they've blotted their copybook for any future trips havent they?

Clusterfckintolerant · 31/07/2021 17:58

It depends on your relationship, but I'd push back with a hard no. I wouldn't care what was said about booking, it's just bullying.

Your mum can cancel and rebook something that fits with what you agreed to, or arrange alternative care for your brother. It's not your responsibility.

Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 18:12

I’m not worried about the financial aspect, my brother will always come over money. I do share concerns raised about when I am working as he won’t distrurb me when I tell him not to but I worry he will get bored.

OP posts:
seconddateshithead · 31/07/2021 18:21

You sound a lovely sister

I would push back

There's a gulf of a difference between a weekend and 10 days. If you're working that's going to have an impact isn't it? On you and on your brother. At the very least you'd have to leave him to his own devices for the best part of a week. (My dc would initially be delighted but then get bored quite quickly)

I can't get my head around any parent booking such a long holiday without thinking what will happen to their children. To offload him to easily with nothing actually confirmed. Have they always been like this?

What's your relationship like? Your mums response to your concern would piss me off to be honest. Yes he's your brother. But he's her son. I wouldn't want my children with someone I knew didn't want to/couldn't look after them.

Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 18:22

Disturb rather than distrurb

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 31/07/2021 18:27

You are not being unreasonable it was lovely of you to offer to have your brother for the weekend so they could go away. Your mum is being cheeky and selfish it’s not going to be much fun for your brother during the week while you are wfh so she isn’t thinking about either of you only her self

Alieninmybody · 31/07/2021 18:28

What about your db, have they factored in any holiday this summer for him?

If not I'd play your mother at her own game and guilt her about what a shame it is he's not getting away. Even if he is I think I'd be saying what a pity he couldn't have gone for some of the time.

Sounds like they have parent fatigue and are taking advantage of your good nature.
Is your mother usually this controlling of your time?

Sapnupuas · 31/07/2021 18:32

Find out where they're going.

Keep your brother for the weekend, as agreed.

Drop him off to them after.

Ask why they don't want to spend time with him when they object.

Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 18:43

No my brother isn’t going on holiday this year I hadn’t thought about that angle. He didn’t go on holiday last year either although that was because of the pandemic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 18:48

I should have added that I did take him to the beach a couple of times last summer whilst mum and dad went nowhere at all.

OP posts:
UnbeatenMum · 31/07/2021 19:02

YANBU. It's a long time for him to entertain himself if you're working. My 12yo would be quite homesick by the end too. Quite different to a fun weekend.

jgjgjgjgjg · 31/07/2021 19:26

I'm afraid I'd say no, that you are only able to have him for the original weekend that you offered due to an urgent work commitment. Let her be in a tailspin for a while. Then after a suitable period of time when she has learnt a lesson about not taking you for granted, you can discover that actually the urgent work commitment can, at great inconvenience to yourself, be moved to the following week.

saraclara · 31/07/2021 19:40

You don't tack on a week. You tack on a day. 'Tacking' eight days onto a planned two-day break is an interesting visual.

Datsandcogs · 31/07/2021 20:17

Your Mum has well over stepped the mark. You offered a weekend and she books for an additional week!

Your brother is lucky to have a caring sister. Might it be possible to take a day off midweek to break up his week a little? Or if money isn’t an issue for your parents perhaps they could pay for a single night away for you both, so you could have a fun weekend away of your own?

Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 20:22

We live hundreds of miles from Cornwall so I can’t “drop him off”. I am considering saying no but that is not an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 20:28

Dropping him off In Cornwall is not an option, not saying no is what I meant sorry.

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 31/07/2021 20:28

I'd be wondering what he was going to do with himself all day while you're working, OP? Not much fun for a 12 y o.

rookiemere · 31/07/2021 20:46

It is really sad that they're going for a 10 day holiday in the school holidays and not bringing their 12 year old. That's a bit shit tbh. Fair enough a weekend away, but not a full holiday.

Essentialironingwater · 31/07/2021 21:46

Do you live near your parents OP? I.e. will he still be able to see mates etc? If not I'd ask your parents to pay for some sort of holiday club. Being in your house whilst you work for about a quarter of his summer hols sounds a bit unfair (on their part, not yours!!)

Original poster
Gasalee · 31/07/2021 21:58

Yes we live in the same city.

OP posts:
Meraas · 31/07/2021 22:36

I’d say no so they have to take him. Twats.

And then I’d be arranging a day out with DB on your own terms.

EKGEMS · 31/07/2021 23:17

At least it wasn't one day per year-25 days away! I would be seething with the emotional blackmail mummy dearest is laying on thick!

LemonFantaGin · 31/07/2021 23:20

A weekend to 10 days is a substantial difference, id say no for the sheer CFery.

Id counter and say I can do 4 days at a push, but say no to the 10 days.