Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being manipulative?

131 replies

Gasalee · 31/07/2021 15:31

It is my parents 25th wedding anniversary in August and around 2 weeks ago they said that they wanted to go away together for a weekend to celebrate. I have a 12 year old little brother and I said that I would look after him to allow them to do this. Mum has messaged me to say that they have booked a holiday in Cornwall for 10 days. This is considerably longer than I initially offered so I went back and queried it as it was much longer than I agreed but mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

I told mum I don’t begrudge them time away together but if they wanted to change the initial agreement then they should have asked me first. Mum then said well it’s booked now and asked why I didn’t want to spend time with my brother and that she has already told him that he is staying with me for 10 days but she will tell him that I don’t want to have him and see if anyone else in the family will look after him.

This has really annoyed me as I love my brother very much and I would never say I don’t want him (I take him out and spend time with him as much as I can although this has reduced because of lockdowns/tier3 in recent times) and I feel lied to and being somewhat emotionally blackmailed. AIBU to be completely miffed by my parent’s and feel manipulated by their behaviour?

OP posts:
PopcornMuncher · 31/07/2021 23:38

Can't get over the pp who thinks OP is uptight. You offer a favour for a weekend to your parents and they decide you're going to have to do the favour for 10 days and you're uptight not to like it Grin

LunaLula83 · 01/08/2021 07:01

Give him the best time of his life! Chocolate, stay up late. Let him say a naughty, but soft word - that will annoy your mum when he goes back and he'll have wonderful memories of you hahaha

Hugoslavia · 01/08/2021 08:07

I think that it's really unfair on a 12 year old to have to entertain themselves whilst you work, for that length of time, knowing that his parents have gone on holiday without him. It's a long time for them to leave him. You are not his parent. They shouldn't resent the fact that they've not had a holiday alone for all those years. Taking kids on holiday with you is part of being a parent and a joy.

KarmaStar · 01/08/2021 09:20

I'd be annoyed but looking forward to spending time with him after lockdown.make it a special time for the two of you,don't allow your(very understandable)anger with dm to ruin this time.
Before you know it he will be a teen and he won't engage with an adult willingly for a long time!😊🌈😏

billy1966 · 01/08/2021 10:00

Really awful, unbelievable behaviour from your parents.

Your mother sounds like a right piece of work.

Your poor brother being treated so badly.

You sound like a lovely young woman and sister.

Of course you meant approximately 3 nights.

Be wary of your parents, they don't sound great.
Flowers

Original poster
Gasalee · 01/08/2021 11:54

Thanks again for everyone’s responses. I have slept on it and think I am going to call my mum out on this. Whilst it would be possible for me to facilitate it, it will be difficult for me and very boring for my brother(particularly as he seems to be the only boy of his age who has no interest in gaming). He will be crawling the walls by the mid-afternoon of most days and I will have to take him to his sports practices/training on a lot of the days so we won’t have that much time together in the evening. I don’t know if this sounds selfish but I have always wanted to be the “cool but caring” sister to him and I don’t want to be enforcing rules around noise and where he can be in the house whilst full well knowing that he is almost certainly bored.

OP posts:
Lostinthemail · 01/08/2021 12:23

You’re not selfish OP, you’re his sis, not his mum. If they aren’t happy with a weekend, I’d withdraw my offer for the weekend and take my brother out for a day. You really shouldn’t let them dictate your relationship with your brother by their demands. A week is to long in this situation and will damage your relationship with him.

billy1966 · 01/08/2021 12:26

You are his sister, not his mum.

It sounds awful for him.

A weekend is very nice but 10 days is ridiculous and very selfish.

safclass · 01/08/2021 12:55

I dont think th OP would arguw with that! What she IS upset at is her mother's behaviour and the expwctation that a wekend agreement could be changed to 10 days WITHOUT any consideration or discussion with her, and then when questioned by her daughter, to use emotional blackmail 'ill tell your brother you dont want to have him' (which is not the issue at all!)

Jettoe · 01/08/2021 15:33

It’s not great but couldn’t you embrace it as an opportunity. Your brother is growing up and transitioning into a teenager and you will stop being “cool” but if you can create a fun time that he looks back on with fondness then once the normally difficult teenage years have passed.

CoraPirbright · 01/08/2021 16:13

...well it’s booked now and asked why I didn’t want to spend time with my brother and that she has already told him that he is staying with me for 10 days but she will tell him that I don’t want to have him and see if anyone else in the family will look after him

This is disgustingly manipulative. If your parents think this is ok, then i suspect that this is their general MO and that any amount of explaining how appallingly behaved this is will fall on deaf or uncomprehending ears so you are probably wasting your breath.

Original poster
Gasalee · 01/08/2021 19:17

So I called my mum this afternoon to talk about this. I told her that we agreed one thing and she has done another and that this wasn’t fair on me or practicable in respect of my situation.

She wasn’t very understanding and seems to want to try to pretend that there wasn’t an agreement on the amount of time which was very frustrating.

I told her I don’t think it’s fair on my brother either as I will be working and not able to spend time with him as I will be working but that made no difference either as she said you know he won’t cause you trouble but then repeated that I will try to find someone else to look after my brother as I “don’t want to”.

I got quite angry and told her this is clearly not true and I am upset with their behaviour but she didn’t seem to get it so gave up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gasalee · 01/08/2021 19:23

I should have messaged my brother to tell him that I am having a disagreement with mum but it’s nothing to do with him and not his fault in any way.

OP posts:
FreakinFrankNFurter · 01/08/2021 19:26

When my Mum or sister has my son for a night or two I wouldn't dream of adding one extra night on without asking first, never mind adding an extra 8!

Your Mum is seriously out of order for assuming and then for guilty tripping when pulled up on it

Original poster
Gasalee · 01/08/2021 19:28

That should read as I should have added that I have messaged my brother.

Typing on my phone sorry.

OP posts:
Dreamingofbeergardens · 01/08/2021 20:41

Good for you for standing up to your mum OP. You sound like a lovely sister but 10 days is not what you agreed. You remind me a bit of my friend, who is 20 years older than her brother. I don't think her parents ever appreciated just how much she does for him. She seemed to be constantly babysitting or paying for him (like his nursery fees). She loves him but has resented her parents at times for their behaviour.

Feedingthebirds1 · 01/08/2021 20:51

This is considerably longer than I initially offered so I went back and queried it as it was much longer than I agreed but mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

if they wanted to change the initial agreement then they should have asked me first. Mum then said well it’s booked now

These are quotes from the OP's first post. It sounds like the mother knew exactly what she'd agreed too and knew she was changing it. Not as she now claims [She wasn’t very understanding] and seems to want to try to pretend that there wasn’t an agreement on the amount of time which was very frustrating.

Erwhatno · 01/08/2021 21:08

Eek sorry op x

Rhinothunder · 01/08/2021 21:45

@Bagelsandbrie

Wow that’s cheeky of them!! I’d be so annoyed. 10 days is completely different to a weekend. I’d say no. You can explain to your brother that you love having him stay but you have other things booked in / appointments etc and can’t do longer than a weekend. At 12 he can understand this and it’s not fair of your mum to emotionally blackmail you.
This
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/08/2021 21:53

I'd counter offer... Say you'll do 3/4 nights as hell be titanic ally bored for 10 days with you working normal hours...

Cna you pop him on a train sólo to Cornwall? Then he gets to see cool sister for 4 days and join in your parents 10 day Cornwall trip

TatianaBis · 01/08/2021 22:01

You really should have called her out on leaving your DB out of her holiday when he didn’t have a holiday last year. And dumping him at his sister’s when she’s working and he will be bored out of his mind. It’s incredibly selfish of her.

It’s not fair to talk to your DB about this it’s between you and your mum.

I would simply drive him to Cornwall. Bit extreme, but I really object to selfish narcissistic fuckers.

PanamaPattie · 01/08/2021 22:20

What does your Dad think of all this? I bet your Mum has lied to him and he believes you’ve agreed to 10 days.

billy1966 · 01/08/2021 22:22

Your mother sounds quite dreadful OP.

It sounds unlikely that this incident is in complete isolation considering how unreasonable she is being.

Is this a fair representation of who she is?

Original poster
Gasalee · 01/08/2021 22:45

I’ve not spoken to my dad. Mum organises these sort of things, every family holiday we ever went on was started by mum shouting at me/dad/brother about passports/boarding passes etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gasalee · 01/08/2021 23:03

TatianaBis- I know what you are saying about it being unfair on my brother to involve him but I don’t want him to think that any of this reflects on feelings for him.

OP posts: