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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being manipulative?

131 replies

Gasalee · 31/07/2021 15:31

It is my parents 25th wedding anniversary in August and around 2 weeks ago they said that they wanted to go away together for a weekend to celebrate. I have a 12 year old little brother and I said that I would look after him to allow them to do this. Mum has messaged me to say that they have booked a holiday in Cornwall for 10 days. This is considerably longer than I initially offered so I went back and queried it as it was much longer than I agreed but mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

I told mum I don’t begrudge them time away together but if they wanted to change the initial agreement then they should have asked me first. Mum then said well it’s booked now and asked why I didn’t want to spend time with my brother and that she has already told him that he is staying with me for 10 days but she will tell him that I don’t want to have him and see if anyone else in the family will look after him.

This has really annoyed me as I love my brother very much and I would never say I don’t want him (I take him out and spend time with him as much as I can although this has reduced because of lockdowns/tier3 in recent times) and I feel lied to and being somewhat emotionally blackmailed. AIBU to be completely miffed by my parent’s and feel manipulated by their behaviour?

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 15:49

[quote Kalvinette]@AnneLovesGilbert
Well no, I wouldn't, he's not my brother. Hmm
And no she's not his parent, but she is his sister Hmm[/quote]
Again - I just don't understand you.

Being someone's blood relative doesn't entitle you to treat them like shit.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 15:49

[quote Kalvinette]@ChargingBuck
I guess I just see it as the brother is 12 so doesnt need nannying, and it could actually even be fun 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Way to miss the point, the point is th op may have had plans, it may have been poor timing, you ask someone for childcare, you don’t just fucking dump your kid on them, then emotionally black mail them to take them, it’s rude as fuck.

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 15:51

[quote Kalvinette]@ChargingBuck
I guess I just see it as the brother is 12 so doesnt need nannying, and it could actually even be fun 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
You're still not getting it.

OP isn't upset about spending time with her brother.

She's upset about being manipulated, taken for granted, dictated to & treated like a servant. By her own mother.

Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 15:52

@ChargingBuck

I'm not saying it's great, it's definitely a bit thoughtless. But the OP had already agreed to watch her brother so they just decided to tack a week on and probably just assumed she wouldnt mind. It's not great but I dont see it as treating someone like shit or a servant or being manipulative.

imamule · 31/07/2021 15:52

You aren't in the wrong, she moved the goalposts & is trying to deflect.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 15:53

[quote Kalvinette]@ChargingBuck

I'm not saying it's great, it's definitely a bit thoughtless. But the OP had already agreed to watch her brother so they just decided to tack a week on and probably just assumed she wouldnt mind. It's not great but I dont see it as treating someone like shit or a servant or being manipulative.[/quote]
Confused

imamule · 31/07/2021 15:53

Who the fuck is voting the op is being unreasonable?

entitled parents?! 😆

1FootInTheRave · 31/07/2021 15:53

They are cheeky entitled twats.

Those voting otherwise, what if op had plans outside the initial agreement herself?

imamule · 31/07/2021 15:55

I don't think there's anything wrong with the amount of time but the OP should have been asked first

imamule · 31/07/2021 15:56

It's manipulative for the parents to twist the OPs annoyance into "you don't love your brother" rather then sorry etc.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2021 15:57

so they just decided to tack a week on and probably just assumed she wouldnt mind

Which is really rude.

And then when pulled up on it, her mum doubled-down with emotional blackmail.

No matter who agreed to provide childcare, of whatever relationship, or age of child, it’s not on to assume that you can just change the agreement to suit yourself without asking.

What if OP had plans for hot sex with a variety of people every evening that week and twice in weekend? What if they’ve got tickets to a long-rescheduled gig one evening, or offered their spare room already to friends etc.

Her mum’s been rude, then manipulative. Not cool.

Horehound · 31/07/2021 16:00

mum said that it’s their first opportunity to have time away with children for 24 years so it’s not to be wasted.

This doesn't make sense. What's not to be wasted? Because the opportunity to go away for ten days was never the option!

Just10moreminutesplease · 31/07/2021 16:02

That is definitely emotional blackmail and shows a complete disregard for you and your time.

In your position it would be a firm no. I would also be telling my brother that the reason he wasn’t staying 10 nights was because your mum only asked for a weekend and booked longer without checking it worked for you. It’s a fantastic opportunity for him to learn about boundaries and not allowing himself to be a doormat.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 31/07/2021 16:02

I think if this was the other way round "MIL said she'd look after DS for a weekend so I went ahead and booked a 10 day holiday and now she's refusing to look after him" not a soul would think that was reasonable.

YANBU you offered a weekend, not 10 days. I would look after 12yo nephew for a weekend, but not 10 days unless absolutely essential.

rookiemere · 31/07/2021 16:05

I think if I was able to do it OP I would look after your DB for the 10 days if it's possible.

However this could go on for a number of years until he's 16 and able to look after himself, therefore I'd make clear what you are and aren't prepared to do.

If she had originally asked for you to have him a week/10 days would you have agreed?

DeciduousPerennial · 31/07/2021 16:08

[quote Kalvinette]@ChargingBuck

I'm not saying it's great, it's definitely a bit thoughtless. But the OP had already agreed to watch her brother so they just decided to tack a week on and probably just assumed she wouldnt mind. It's not great but I dont see it as treating someone like shit or a servant or being manipulative.[/quote]
And if OP had her own week away booked? Or other places to be or things to do? That now had to be cancelled?

Get a bloody grip.

You’re being deliberately obtuse.

AgentJohnson · 31/07/2021 16:08

I suspect that this type of behaviour from your Mother isn’t a one-off.

SenecaFallsRedux · 31/07/2021 16:09

@imamule

It's manipulative for the parents to twist the OPs annoyance into "you don't love your brother" rather then sorry etc.
Aboslutely. This "all or nothing" kind of thinking is a bit immature in my opinion. I have a much younger sister who came to stay with me for two weeks when she was 13 and I was 26. But guess what? My parents discussed it with me before they made plans and certainly before they mentioned it to my sister.
Theunamedcat · 31/07/2021 16:12

Clearly the mum has arrived on the thread

FYI your taking the piss if you had stuck to the weekend this year next year you could have booked longer but taking the piss like this guarantees this offer will never be repeated

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 16:12

[quote Kalvinette]@ChargingBuck

I'm not saying it's great, it's definitely a bit thoughtless. But the OP had already agreed to watch her brother so they just decided to tack a week on and probably just assumed she wouldnt mind. It's not great but I dont see it as treating someone like shit or a servant or being manipulative.[/quote]
Really?

Booking another 8 days without consultation, expecting that OP can & will fall in with that new plan, & then getting extremely arsey about any pushback?

You don't think that emotional blackmail constitutes treating people like shit?

You don't think it's treating someone like a servant to simply presume upon 10 days of free childcare?

You don't think it's manipulative to threaten to tell a 12 year old child that their adult sister doesn't want them?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/07/2021 16:14

"I'm not saying it's great, it's definitely a bit thoughtless. But the OP had already agreed to watch her brother so they just decided to tack a week on and probably just assumed she wouldnt mind. It's not great but I dont see it as treating someone like shit or a servant or being manipulative."

It's the comments that are manipulative, that they will tell the brother that his sister doesnt want to see him, and ask other relatives etc, that is emotional blackmail! At no point did the OP say she didnt want to see her brother for that long but even if she didnt (after 10 days living with anyone you're not used to it can get quite overwhelming) they shouldn't be threatening telling him anything about her thoughts on it to try and get her to do what they want!

lastcall · 31/07/2021 16:15

It's a pisstake, CF parents.

I'd calmly respond with I'm happy to have him for the long weekend like I offered, but you'll need to make arrangements for the other week/7 days as I have plans.

Wolframhart · 31/07/2021 16:17

She is being completely unreasonable. 10 days is a lot and she should have asked first.

It’s also a long time for him to just sit while you work all day so if you do acquiesce, I would want him signed up for a holiday club for at least part of the time.

Wheretobuy · 31/07/2021 16:17

[quote Kalvinette]@Bluntness100
I fucking did![/quote]
I did too. And I hope @Bluntness100 gets a little unblunt somehow.
OP, I would be upset too but it is their 25th anniversary so I would let it go and will make sure this does not happen again.

BlueSurfer · 31/07/2021 16:21

I guess I just see it as the brother is 12 so doesnt need nannying, and it could actually even be fun 🤷‍♀️

The OP says they are working from home. How is that fun for either of them?

Yanbu, it’s really rude and entitled. I’d happily look after my nephew or a friend’s child but I would expect to be asked first of all to be able to agree.