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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Oh the baby sleeps so well at night”

142 replies

MsHedgehog · 31/07/2021 07:40

DH has been saying this to his parents as we’re staying with them for a few weeks.

Except our baby is EBF. And DH is a deep sleeper. And a fucking snorer.

So I’m the one who wakes up every fucking night, every fucking time, to deal with every fucking night feed. And as DS goes through the 4 month sleep regression, I’m the one waking up every single damn time. Every two hours it’s been tonight. Every fucking two hours. Two nights ago, it was every single hour!!

So how the fuck is our baby sleeping well through the night when you sleep soundly snoring away, and I’m constantly waking up. Why the fuck do you say such a thing!! Why de minimise my lack of sleep and what I’m fucking dealing with?!

And guys, do you know what was the fucking icing on the cake?

DH came to bed late last night, as he was up working late on his last day before taking annual leave. He came to the bedroom full of beans that he’s now on holiday and I was sat up feeding DS. He saw I wasn’t happy, asked what’s wrong and I told him I’ve just woken up. Didn’t hear me, and I repeated it snappily. So what did my darling husband do when he saw it’s 2am, I’m tired but still up feeding our son...went to bed in a fucking strop because I snapped at him. Instead of suggesting any help whatsoever, because I snapped at him and ruined his good mood, he literally went to bed in a strop! A fucking strop! What the fucking hell?! Who does that?!

Arrggghhhh!!! Fucking hell!

(Needed to rant and cry...and swear! And just get my frustration off before I try and go back to sleep before DS wakes again).

OP posts:
Original poster
MsHedgehog · 31/07/2021 07:43

And I know I have a DH problem...I just needed to get that off my chest before I strangle him whilst he snores...!

OP posts:
Original poster
MsHedgehog · 31/07/2021 07:44

PPS. I don’t actually swear this much in real life...that’s how angry I am right now!!

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 31/07/2021 07:46

Honestly? He's selfish and you need to have a serious conversation about the role you both play with your baby. He needs to pick up the slack elsewhere even if he can't help at night and he also needs to be empathetic about the impact doing all of the nights is having on you. I would lose all respect for my DH if he couldn't understand where I was coming from on this or if he failed to work with me as a team.

Orchidflower1 · 31/07/2021 07:46

And who the f!ck voted YABU. Is your DH on here @MsHedgehog

MaMaD1990 · 31/07/2021 07:47

Can you try to bottle feed so DH can help? I'm assuming you've told him that baby is actually not a good sleeper and you'd like some recognition of that? I'll never understand how men can sleep through babies crying...it really is a skill (I wish I possessed)!

Billybagpuss · 31/07/2021 07:47

💐 he’s a shit, hope he is less of a shit this morning

BiggerBoat1 · 31/07/2021 07:52

You are clearly exhausted and emotional. All of that is understandable. Its not actually your DH's fault that he sleeps through the baby waking though or that he snores. Could Your DH have the baby for a couple of hours in the day so you can catch up on sleep? Use a bottle - then feeding can be shared!

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/07/2021 07:55

Well YANBU to be pissed off but what did you say and why does he think that? For example if you are EBF and he really is just sleeping through it by accident when the baby cries, and there is no need for him to be up and you aren't giving him a kick because there's no need, does he actually just think that the baby really does just sleep through? Is he just being a bit of an idiot and thinking because he doesn't hear the baby crying that the baby isn't crying? What did you say when he told his mum and dad that anyway?

"Oh the baby sleeps through."
"How would you know? laugh You don't hear him cry and I'm the only one who can feed him and you've got work so I don't get you up. Your mum and dad will have heard him crying.".

So YANBU to be pissed off, but it is important to know if he just doesn't know because you dont get him up to tell him when the baby can only be fed by you and when he has work. But if he does know the baby doesn't sleep then I'd be asking him why he's telling people the baby does sleep.... (and it'd be really odd if you havent told him before now to talk to him about it of you're finding it hard and want to try bottle feeding and pumping so he can help too).

Original poster
MsHedgehog · 31/07/2021 07:56

I

OP posts:
EveryoneWantsMumma · 31/07/2021 07:58

Accidentally elbow, kick (gently obvs but enough to wake the idiot) , etc when you get woken up by DS each time from now on!

feelingmehtoday · 31/07/2021 07:59

So I’m the one who wakes up every fucking night, every fucking time, to deal with every fucking night feed.

I'm confused. If baby is EBF, how will your DH help with night feeds? Unless you are expressing too?

ivfgottwins · 31/07/2021 08:01

I get his comment is ignorant and inconsiderate and for that I'm going to say YANBU but the baby is EBF so unless you are going to pump and designate a feed or two to your DH he can't really help can he? Unless you expect him to provide moral support by sitting up with you all night?

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 08:04

Is it his snoring that is disturbing the baby anyway?

I was militant about walking my babies in the day to feed them often rather than them needing to feed at night.

Toolateplanting · 31/07/2021 08:05

Assuming your relationship is generally good and DH not a git most of the time… having a new baby is ridiculously hard and puts such a strain on you both. You say he has a period of annual leave starting? Talk to him, try and make it that you each hear where each other are and come up with a plan for the sleep deprivation.
The suggestion above that he enables a long nap each day for you is a good one - if you are able to nap in the day! I found better for me was DH getting up with baby in am whole I slept on, until her first nap when he returned her to me for a feed, more snoozing, then I was able to get up in peace to have a shower and get dressed. Definitely felt better after that!

DieDeutschLehrerin · 31/07/2021 08:05

I got into this with the best of intentions with our first. I wanted to EBF, was expecting a poor sleeper due to all the apocryphal stories about my babyhood and knew I would have to do all the night feeds but underestimated the exhaustion and ended up a bit resentful. With our second child I tried to be a bit more practical, I had to feed her but then I would wake DH to settle her back into bed, or to get her once she was older and in her own room. Sometimes it. Just helps to feel like your not in it alone. Do you feel like something similar might help you feel better?

EveryoneWantsMumma · 31/07/2021 08:06

@RandomMess it's not how it's done these days. It's responsive aka responsible feeding!

MaMaD1990 · 31/07/2021 08:06

@ivfgottwins

I get his comment is ignorant and inconsiderate and for that I'm going to say YANBU but the baby is EBF so unless you are going to pump and designate a feed or two to your DH he can't really help can he? Unless you expect him to provide moral support by sitting up with you all night?
I think its more to do with the fact he gleefully announces baby is a good sleeper when in fact, the baby isn't and he has (apparently) no idea because he sleeps through all the wakings.
Toolateplanting · 31/07/2021 08:06

Alternatively or on a bad night, yes he can help even though you are ebf. He can do any nappy changes for instance, or if baby not going back to sleep for some reason can take him off for a rock/sing/walk

NoNotYou · 31/07/2021 08:13

Yes that must be frustrating but if baby is ebf he can't do anything anyway. So, either pump some so he can do it or make sure daddy does some major caring during his annual leave...
Shopping with baby
Walking with the pram
Visiting his parents
All this and you can rest at home can't you? I'd be making sure he doesn't get to sit down much, and if he does, give him the baby to hold 😊 every. Single. Time

Coolcoolcool · 31/07/2021 08:15

Well, now he’s on annual leave, he can help overnight too. It’s good timing because 4 month sleep regression means you know each night wake is not for hunger. So if it’s every hour, then your DH can be responsible for resettling baby 2 out of 3 times - I.e decide you’re still only going to feed every 3 hours as you know DC doesn’t need more than that. Share the load! Get Dad to sleep next to baby, buy some earplugs, kick him awake etc. Even sleep in the spare room. Don’t get stuck in this pattern of him assuming you take sole responsibility. You can parent this one together.

It’s even better because you’re at his parents, so they can help give you a break during the day to catch up on sleep etc. You definitely need to be clear with him that the baby is not a good sleeper atm!!

DifferentHair · 31/07/2021 08:15

I EBF my children and my DH was absolutely involved at night.

He would get up, change the nappy, hand the baby to me, go back to sleep and then if the baby didn't settle back to sleep I'd wake DH up again to settle him.

Not every night or every feed but he was there to help because it was both our baby.

He certainly said some stupid things for the first baby though. I remember one day after my being up half the night he took the baby from 7am until 8am and then (clearly pleased with himself for being so benevolent) asked me if I enjoyed my 'extra' sleep. I pretty much exploded saying 'Extra!!!?? It is barely enough to function on. You had a solid 8 hours and I'm not swanning around like I did you a favour'

It's not a newborn experience unless you have honestly wanted to murder someone you were madly in love with fairly recently.

Guineapigbridge · 31/07/2021 08:16

This is what mixed feeding is for. Your natural milk supply will adjust and your dh WILL be involved.

MissChanandlerBong22 · 31/07/2021 08:17

I can see how that’s hugely irritating but I don’t understand why you haven’t told him that his smug assertions that the baby sleeps well are in fact not even close to correct!

Greytminds · 31/07/2021 08:18

I totally get this. Sleep deprivation causes me to feel extremely angry. Breastfeeding is great but it does make one person responsible unless you work out how to manage things explicitly - but it can be done.

I don’t agree with those wondering how your DH can help if the baby is EBF - at 4 months old he can take the baby immediately after a feed and settle or entertain him for a good 3-4 hours before he needs to have another feed. Just feeling like you’re not solely responsible for a while is good for mental health. He can also take him late in the evening or early in the morning to give you a break.

Once you’re feeling calm, you need to have a chat with DH. Perhaps he can do the first part of the night - first wake up, you feed and then he takes over. If you can hand over as soon as a feed is done that could give you 3-4 hours to rest.

My DH is a brilliant guy, more than willing to do 50-50 but he needed me to tell him explicitly what I wanted him to take on. He saw me breastfeeding and wasn’t sure how to help, he felt a bit surplus to requirements and without any experience of babies wasn’t confident enough to make those decisions. He also couldn’t read my mind - a calm conversation about what I needed was a game changer.

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 08:18

@EveryoneWantsMumma well that's crazy if your baby then develops a routine of sleeping 8am to 8pm and only feeding at night...

It's not harmful to influence when they feed! I soon realised if I cuddled my baby she slept far far longer than on her cot and "miss" a feed and used that to my advantage.

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