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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Oh the baby sleeps so well at night”

142 replies

MsHedgehog · 31/07/2021 07:40

DH has been saying this to his parents as we’re staying with them for a few weeks.

Except our baby is EBF. And DH is a deep sleeper. And a fucking snorer.

So I’m the one who wakes up every fucking night, every fucking time, to deal with every fucking night feed. And as DS goes through the 4 month sleep regression, I’m the one waking up every single damn time. Every two hours it’s been tonight. Every fucking two hours. Two nights ago, it was every single hour!!

So how the fuck is our baby sleeping well through the night when you sleep soundly snoring away, and I’m constantly waking up. Why the fuck do you say such a thing!! Why de minimise my lack of sleep and what I’m fucking dealing with?!

And guys, do you know what was the fucking icing on the cake?

DH came to bed late last night, as he was up working late on his last day before taking annual leave. He came to the bedroom full of beans that he’s now on holiday and I was sat up feeding DS. He saw I wasn’t happy, asked what’s wrong and I told him I’ve just woken up. Didn’t hear me, and I repeated it snappily. So what did my darling husband do when he saw it’s 2am, I’m tired but still up feeding our son...went to bed in a fucking strop because I snapped at him. Instead of suggesting any help whatsoever, because I snapped at him and ruined his good mood, he literally went to bed in a strop! A fucking strop! What the fucking hell?! Who does that?!

Arrggghhhh!!! Fucking hell!

(Needed to rant and cry...and swear! And just get my frustration off before I try and go back to sleep before DS wakes again).

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 31/07/2021 09:09

He's an idiot. I EBF ds and dh was up in the night doing nappy changes, winding and settling. Just because you're breastfeeding doesn't mean the dad can't be involved.

MrsTophamHat · 31/07/2021 09:13

My DH ised to do all the settling after night feeds even if working. I'd feed and then he would get them back into the cot so that I could sleep.

When we switched to mixed feeding, he would be "on duty" until 3am while I went to bed at 8pm, and then he would lie in until late morning.

Once fully on bottles, we took it in turns.

I am very sceptical that men don't hear babies crying. I think it's more that they know that sound isn't for them so they don't wake up fully, in the same way that your brain tunes out other normal sounds in the night. He needs to understand that that noise is a cue for him to wake up and help

Reallyreallyborednow · 31/07/2021 09:15

If the op doesn’t want to bottle or ebm feed then that’s her choice, and she shouldn’t need to force it to make her shit husband step up, or to hope the baby sleeps more so he doesn’t have to Hmm

O/p he’s on annual leave. When the baby wakes in the morning, feed, and give them to him to deal with. You go back to bed and tell him to wake you for the next feed.

Also make it clear he needs to do housework, shopping, washing etc, as you are having a break, resting and feeding. Everything else is his job.

Dhcdjsjfkcske · 31/07/2021 09:17

At 4 months you would generally only expect 1-2 night feeds at most. Tell him that you need to start night weaning and then get him to settle the baby EVERY SINGLE TIME and baby will tell him if he really wants a feed, in which case DH can tell you. I exclusively BF and we shared it equally from the off (resettling etc). Ignore anyone who says that getting zero help is a natural consequence of BF. If is absolutely not a reason to bottle feed (unless you want to of course). Is the baby still sleeping in your room? It should be for safety reasons and also so DH realises that it’s ALSO HIS PROBLEM. I would be fuming as well OP

Dhcdjsjfkcske · 31/07/2021 09:18

Ps not saying you should night wean (that’s up to bubs) but tell yet DH that’s what it is. DHs love a concrete objective

Charlotte2020 · 31/07/2021 09:22

Can you suggest he goes to a sleep clinic or tries to get something for his snoring? That might be a start?
My DH would be so proud he'd cooked and washed up when our DD was tiny. And then get huffy when I asked him to vacuum the house (id had a CS so couldn't). A rage of fury would rip through me as id be exhausted and cluster feeding all day feeling helpless and rough! It wasn't until I exploded in tears he realised how I felt.
Maybe try to start mixed feeding? That's a bit
If a challenge itself though!

Rosebel · 31/07/2021 09:23

I don't understand why people wake their partners up because the baby is awake, especially if only mum can feed and dad is working the next day.
All mine were bottle fed but I didn't wake my husband up because what's the point of both being grumpy and tired?
Absolutely get him to help in the day so you can sleep or at night if he's not working but generally if you're awake anyway why does he need to be awake too.
Of course correct him about the baby sleeping through.

Kotatsu · 31/07/2021 09:28

Accidentally elbow, kick (gently obvs but enough to wake the idiot) , etc when you get woken up by DS each time from now on!

I'm not above confessing that when exDP annoyed me by saying something like yours did, I absolutely did this. Fucker.

Sure, there's no reason him waking up when I'm the only one who could feed the baby, but I'll not have him suggesting that it's because my hormones make it easy for me to survive on 4 hours sleep in 45 minute sessions, or any of the other smug fuckwittery.

Christ, you're making me angry just remembering it now.

MrsTophamHat · 31/07/2021 09:29

@Rosebel mine used to wake up because he knew that if he settled the baby, she would go down faster because he didn't smell like milk like I did.

It's also a team effort so you need some kind of system that works for your family. It's not ok to have the mum doing every feed, change, settle etc and the dad doing nothing, so he needs to be pulling just as much weight. And no, going out to work doesn't count.

GoldBar · 31/07/2021 09:30

@Rosebel. It's not so much that the OP is awake and her husband is asleep. It's that he doesn't seem to have any appreciation of how bad things are for her and is minimising her experiences. Since he seems to lack any empathy, taking away his uninterrupted sleep may be the only way for him to appreciate what she is going through and how tired it is making her.

Cantdecideonaname · 31/07/2021 09:30

You’re not alone … whenever my baby was more unsettled than usual (he was always up a lot but had periods where he was much worse) his dad would say ‘he’s usually a good sleeper’ like he even had a clue. He was the furthest thing you could have from a ‘good sleeper’ even on his best night. It will get better (I know that doesn’t help you now) he needs to support you to get rest wherever you can. People may say about getting him to do some feeds with expressed milk etc however I tried this and it took him so long to organise himself that the baby had lost it and then he fell asleep, only you know what works for you. I hope you manage to get some rest and it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job with breastfeeding too

Greenrubber · 31/07/2021 09:30

Wake him up everytime the baby wakes you up seen as he's on holiday anyway just so he gets the point

viques · 31/07/2021 09:34

@EveryoneWantsMumma

Accidentally elbow, kick (gently obvs but enough to wake the idiot) , etc when you get woken up by DS each time from now on!
Yes, overhead lights on, landing light on, door left open, lots of muttering and cursing as you find your slippers, accidentally knock over a few bits of furniture, make sure the bed covers are pulled down to the bottom of the bed, radio on for a bit of entertainment..........
ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 09:38

Passive aggression is extremely difficult to live with here.

4 months of this and you've said nothing and then blow up like WWIII.

I'd like to be told straight away I'm doing something my partner is unhappy with so i can fix it, not be screamed at after 4 months of them saying nothing.

He is also a first time dad perhaps he really doesn't get it. They don't all.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 31/07/2021 09:42

Well the baby does sleep very well at night, the baby being your husband.

Have you sat him down and had a conversation about this? There's not much he can do if your baby is waking up to feed in the night, but in the day time he can definitely do his share. Unless you choose to express and let him feed the baby?

Aria2015 · 31/07/2021 09:46

Firstly, I'd just tell your dh that it really gets to you when he tells people the baby sleeps well. Tell him that it makes feel crappy because it's not true and it doesn't give you the credit you deserve for tending to your baby all night long. Secondly, arrange for your dh to play with the baby while you rest in the day. At 4 months I'm guessing you feed every 2-3 hours. As soon as you've done a feed, go to bed and then get your dh to bring you the baby when the next feed is due. Feed the baby, put the baby down for a nap (or let baby nap on dh?) and go back to sleep again. I EBF both of mine (still on number 2!) and I know how exhausting it can be. Catching up on the day on some rest really can help hugely and if he's on annual leave now, he can help.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 09:48

Or perhaps he is just telling people the baby sleeps well as in making conversation.

Everyone doesn't need to be all up in your misery about how you're not sleeping and how awful the baby is. People's ears tend to clamp shut ime.

Deal with him not what he tells the world.

Rosebel · 31/07/2021 09:49

Going to work doesn't count? How else are they going to live?
My SIL used to make my brother get up every night when she was bf, despite the fact he drove 100s of miles a, day and she claimed to be worried about him being tired.
As I said OP needs to tell her husband the baby isn't sleeping and get him to help during the day and evening so she can rest then. When he's on holiday it's different but not normally.

Neverrains · 31/07/2021 09:50

@RandomMess

Is it his snoring that is disturbing the baby anyway?

I was militant about walking my babies in the day to feed them often rather than them needing to feed at night.

Some babies feed regularly all day and night. Mine did. I never needed to wake them for a feed in the day as they always fed every 2 hours. Day and night.
shouldistop · 31/07/2021 09:50

I hope you pointed out to your in laws that actually the baby is up very often and your husband sleeps through it

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 09:50

Going to work doesn't count? How else are they going to live?

Well exactly. It's called maternity leave for a reason. You have a baby and you're on leave to look after it. If you can't cope with night waking whilst being off work all this time how do you expect your husband.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/07/2021 09:51

ActonSquirrel

Passive aggression is extremely difficult to live with here.

4 months of this and you've said nothing and then blow up like WWIII.

I'd like to be told straight away I'm doing something my partner is unhappy with so i can fix it, not be screamed at after 4 months of them saying nothing.

He is also a first time dad perhaps he really doesn't get it. They don't all.“

This. Really don’t understand why you didn’t just tell him sooner.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 09:52

I meant if night wakings are too much for someone who is on leave from work, how is it not too much for someone who has to work full time too?

DifferentHair · 31/07/2021 09:52

@Rosebel

All mine were bottle fed but I didn't wake my husband up because what's the point of both being grumpy and tired?*
*
Seriously? You do realise that you would have been less grumpy and tired if you'd only had to wake up twice, as opposed to three times a night, surely?

Even a MAN who has WORK should be able to manage one wake up a night unless he's flying a plane or removing an appendix the next day.

I don't understand why families decide it's fine to bring a woman to her knees with exhaustion and expect her to care for a tiny child all day, while a man simply cannot be expected forgo a moment of his eight hours sleep.

To me it is the same as one party eating three course meals while the other survives on crumbs. You need sleep to live. For one party to hog it is disgusting behaviour IMO.

Given you bottle fed, I think it's very sad your DP didn't want to help at night.

Crazycactuslady · 31/07/2021 09:53

I had one of these. Could have smothered the snoring twat with a pillow. I have no solutions, just solidarity. My LO is now 15 months, DH is still alive and we only do one night feed now at 2am. I wish my baby would have taken a bottle, but he's a stubborn one. CakeBrew

P.s. I started taking snacks to bed in very crinkly packaging to eat LOUDLY Wink