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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Oh the baby sleeps so well at night”

142 replies

MsHedgehog · 31/07/2021 07:40

DH has been saying this to his parents as we’re staying with them for a few weeks.

Except our baby is EBF. And DH is a deep sleeper. And a fucking snorer.

So I’m the one who wakes up every fucking night, every fucking time, to deal with every fucking night feed. And as DS goes through the 4 month sleep regression, I’m the one waking up every single damn time. Every two hours it’s been tonight. Every fucking two hours. Two nights ago, it was every single hour!!

So how the fuck is our baby sleeping well through the night when you sleep soundly snoring away, and I’m constantly waking up. Why the fuck do you say such a thing!! Why de minimise my lack of sleep and what I’m fucking dealing with?!

And guys, do you know what was the fucking icing on the cake?

DH came to bed late last night, as he was up working late on his last day before taking annual leave. He came to the bedroom full of beans that he’s now on holiday and I was sat up feeding DS. He saw I wasn’t happy, asked what’s wrong and I told him I’ve just woken up. Didn’t hear me, and I repeated it snappily. So what did my darling husband do when he saw it’s 2am, I’m tired but still up feeding our son...went to bed in a fucking strop because I snapped at him. Instead of suggesting any help whatsoever, because I snapped at him and ruined his good mood, he literally went to bed in a strop! A fucking strop! What the fucking hell?! Who does that?!

Arrggghhhh!!! Fucking hell!

(Needed to rant and cry...and swear! And just get my frustration off before I try and go back to sleep before DS wakes again).

OP posts:
MumW · 31/07/2021 08:18

Been there although, TBF, DH didn't tell everyone DC were good sleepers.

Deep sleeper or not, I'd be making sure he was disturbed every single time I was up for a couple of nights. Pity it's not winter as you could pull the quilt off him as you got up. Wink

MissChanandlerBong22 · 31/07/2021 08:19

He would get up, change the nappy, hand the baby to me, go back to sleep and then if the baby didn't settle back to sleep I'd wake DH up again to settle him.

Yes we were the same. I envy these people for whom night feeds just meant feeding! We had nappy changes, clothes changes, re-settling etc.

GoldBar · 31/07/2021 08:20

Your mistake is letting him sleep. I'm not going to suggest physical assault just yet but maybe get a TV or radio for your bedroom and turn it on loudly to keep you amused while feeding your DC.

Phineyj · 31/07/2021 08:24

Oh, so annoying. DH didn't do this (we bottle fed and had a rota!) but I did hear him say sometimes that WE decided to do XYZ and I'd think, we?!

burritofan · 31/07/2021 08:25

I was militant about walking my babies in the day to feed them often rather than them needing to feed at night.
That’s nice. It has nothing to do with the OP’s problem, though, and I suspect nothing to do with why her baby wakes up. You clearly had sleepy babies if you had to wake them in the day to feed them. Some people have wakey babies; they’re feeding in the night because it’s the quickest way to settle them.

OP, you don’t necessarily need DH’s help at night – I found it much easier to boot DP into the spare room, cosleep with DD, and feed back to sleep every time (and do NOT check the time! It feels so much worse when you know how little sleep you’ve had). What you do need is for him to: not throw strops – you’ve already got a baby, you don’t need an adult baby too – and to shut the fuck up with his bullshit narrative about the baby’s sleep. He also needs to get up with the baby in the morning and leave you to sleep, then bring you vast quantities of coffee and pancakes.

EveryoneWantsMumma · 31/07/2021 08:32

well that's crazy if your baby then develops a routine of sleeping 8am to 8pm and only feeding at night

@RandomMess. You're talking utter bollocks 😂

EveryoneWantsMumma · 31/07/2021 08:33

@RandomMess it's not how most parents THESE DAYS do it. Most parents THESE DAYS do not let their babies go hungry and miss a feed for their parents convenience!!!

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 08:35

😂 my babies never went hungry BPD course I always fed them when hungry, didn't leave them to cry either!

feelingmehtoday · 31/07/2021 08:48

It's not a newborn experience unless you have honestly wanted to murder someone you were madly in love with fairly recently.

So much this. I can strongly relate. Grin

CandyLeBonBon · 31/07/2021 08:50

[quote RandomMess]@EveryoneWantsMumma well that's crazy if your baby then develops a routine of sleeping 8am to 8pm and only feeding at night...

It's not harmful to influence when they feed! I soon realised if I cuddled my baby she slept far far longer than on her cot and "miss" a feed and used that to my advantage.[/quote]
You were just lucky!

sauceyorange · 31/07/2021 08:51

I get it op. You just want some sympathy and to have the work you're doing recognised and not minimised. Very annoying!

By the way / it will get better (the baby- can't speak for husband)

sauceyorange · 31/07/2021 08:52

@Guineapigbridge

This is what mixed feeding is for. Your natural milk supply will adjust and your dh WILL be involved.
This is not helpful. Mixed feeding won't stop the baby waking and will very likely disrupt breastfeeding. It's not a feeding problem, it's an oblivious dh problem
feelingmehtoday · 31/07/2021 08:55

Mixed feeding won't stop the baby waking and will very likely disrupt breastfeeding.

Not necessarily. My baby is 4 months and has been combi fed from day 1. I'm able to BF absolutely fine, the bottle alongside BF has made no difference to that. I'm not saying this is the answer in OP's case, of course. But please don't suggest that combi feeding "disrupts" BF.

Iwonder08 · 31/07/2021 08:55

OP, have you told him he needs to help? He might have (very wrongly) assumed because you are feeding him then there is nothing for him to do? I would suggest explaining to him in simple terms you can't carry on like that and now it is a great time given he is on annual live to let you sleep at night.
I generally avoid giving any advice regarding brestafeeding, it is very personal, but technically speaking 4 month old baby doesn't need food at night. It might be of course much easier to settle the baby with feeding and it is your choice. However if you are trying to get your husband to look after his baby every now and then at night he can't use 'I have no boobs' as an argument. He should keep trying to settle the baby without feeding. Preferably in a different room so you can sleep.

Eyjafjallajokulldottir · 31/07/2021 08:56

@feelingmehtoday

So I’m the one who wakes up every fucking night, every fucking time, to deal with every fucking night feed.

I'm confused. If baby is EBF, how will your DH help with night feeds? Unless you are expressing too?

When I was ebf I fed ds and then immediately handed him over to dh to change (he always pooed) and then get him back to sleep.
sauceyorange · 31/07/2021 08:57

@feelingmehtoday

Mixed feeding won't stop the baby waking and will very likely disrupt breastfeeding.

Not necessarily. My baby is 4 months and has been combi fed from day 1. I'm able to BF absolutely fine, the bottle alongside BF has made no difference to that. I'm not saying this is the answer in OP's case, of course. But please don't suggest that combi feeding "disrupts" BF.

It often does. You have never EBF so its not a comparable situation.

In any case your point is in my view irrelevant to the OPs problem.

ScruffySock · 31/07/2021 08:58

At the very least, at the weekend you get DH to get up with the baby once you’ve fed them and then you get a couple of hours more sleep.

feelingmehtoday · 31/07/2021 08:59

@sauceyorange I disagree and we shall leave it there

pinkcircustop · 31/07/2021 09:00

YANBU. When our baby was newborn and now when she has bad nights DH and I will take it in turns, even though he’s working.

I’m EBF so on his nights he’ll bring the baby to me if she needs feeding and then take her away again when she’s done so I can go back to sleep.

A marriage is a team. You’re in this together.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 31/07/2021 09:01

@MsHedgehog

And I know I have a DH problem...I just needed to get that off my chest before I strangle him whilst he snores...!
I'd be tempted to do the strangle, to be honest! I hope someone takes your baby for a while today and let's you have a good sleep Flowers
Comtesse · 31/07/2021 09:04

OP you need to rest. Have you told him you’re on your knees with tiredness? He should take the baby out for a walk/ drive when you are sleeping - don’t come back for 2 hours min.

Countthosestitches · 31/07/2021 09:06

Hi OP, I could have written this myself when my two were babies. DH banging on about what great sleepers they were. And to be honest, they weren’t bad, but I was still up a few times feeding during the night while he snored through it and woke up all refreshed.

I didn’t want/need his help as such, but the occasional bit of acknowledgment or sympathy would have been lovely! Eg, in the morning ‘how many times was the baby up sweetheart?’ ‘Every 2 hours’. ‘You poor things you must be exhausted, let me bring you a cup of tea and take the baby for an hour until she next needs a feed.’

I don’t think introducing a bottle will help. Expressing is a faff!

PragmaticWench · 31/07/2021 09:06

This is not a feeding problem, it's an oblivious tosser of a DH problem!!

I'd have fucking killed him by now OP! Everybody who ebf understands that disrupted sleep is part and parcel but for your DH not to get that sacrifice you are making for his child...well, he's a tosser.

HeReWeGoAgAiN1112 · 31/07/2021 09:08

My ex was like this. Slept through everything and would gleefully tell people what a great sleeper our baby was! I too was Brest feeding so when ex had a week off work we mixed things up. We put the Next 2 Me crib on his side of the bed and he had to change sons nappy then pass him to me whilst I fed him, then he’d settle him after his feed. I got more sleep as I didn’t need to get up and he appreciated after a couple of nights how tough it was.
Could you try something like that whilst he’s on annual leave?

ohthestruggles · 31/07/2021 09:08

Cluster feeding did this to me and my DP. Although he would do nappies, settling etc and took DS out in his pram in the day so I could get some rest. I was sitting on the bed most nights crying saying I couldn't do it anymore and he sort of rolled over sleepily and told me he didn't know how to help me. That's when I realised that mixed feeding was for me. DP does 10-3 shift I do 3-8.

You should communicate to him just how hard it is on you and tell him how often your baby is waking!!