“Oh the baby sleeps so well at night”

[MsHedgehog]

DH has been saying this to his parents as we’re staying with them for a few weeks.

Except our baby is EBF. And DH is a deep sleeper. And a fucking snorer.

So I’m the one who wakes up every fucking night, every fucking time, to deal with every fucking night feed. And as DS goes through the 4 month sleep regression, I’m the one waking up every single damn time. Every two hours it’s been tonight. Every fucking two hours. Two nights ago, it was every single hour!!

So how the fuck is our baby sleeping well through the night when you sleep soundly snoring away, and I’m constantly waking up. Why the fuck do you say such a thing!! Why de minimise my lack of sleep and what I’m fucking dealing with?!

And guys, do you know what was the fucking icing on the cake?

DH came to bed late last night, as he was up working late on his last day before taking annual leave. He came to the bedroom full of beans that he’s now on holiday and I was sat up feeding DS. He saw I wasn’t happy, asked what’s wrong and I told him I’ve just woken up. Didn’t hear me, and I repeated it snappily. So what did my darling husband do when he saw it’s 2am, I’m tired but still up feeding our son...went to bed in a fucking strop because I snapped at him. Instead of suggesting any help whatsoever, because I snapped at him and ruined his good mood, he literally went to bed in a strop! A fucking strop! What the fucking hell?! Who does that?!

Arrggghhhh!!! Fucking hell!

(Needed to rant and cry...and swear! And just get my frustration off before I try and go back to sleep before DS wakes again).

Looking after a baby whilst relentless requires significantly less pressure / responsibility / decision making challenges than many people have at work

I couldn't disagree more.

I don't subscribe to the whole MN - a father/man must do half of everything and you must force him to do it or leave him view*

Neither do I. Mine just helped naturally.

Think I'd be feeding the baby more noisily, might need to put the light on or accidentally start knocking things over. He needs to at least wake up and see what work your doing in my opinion x

@GoldBar this is bringing back bad memories of when I was on mat leave then redundant then entrenched on the "i do everything in the house, for the household and kids" forever more to this day and husband delights in saying how well WE brought the kids up as they have turned out so well! V frustrating but with so much sleep deprivation you can't make good decisions that are fair on both of you short and long term.
To be fair my partner is a doc dealing with life & death operations so I sort of thought he does need a good nights sleep as my feeling rubbish the next day wouldn't have the same repercussions as operating on someone!
However if I did it again i would insist on a far more equal share of the house and kids to enable my own identity, career and hobbies were maintained!
Please learn from my mistakes and teach him to appreciate all you do NOW and to take a fair share of his new responsibilities. Ask him can he do the shopping, meal planning, hovering and take a turn on minding his child etc while you catch up on serp? Fairs fair xx

Maternity leave is for the baby to bond with its primary caregiver(s - there can be more than one!) and for the mother to recover physically from birth. Not for the mother to do everything so that the man can carry on with his big important job and previous lifestyle uninterrupted.

I had a baby that woke up every 90 min and it was making me ill, I didnt feel safe to drive and couldn't control my emotions etc, I wouldn't have been able to cope without the support of my husband, who despite me ebf and my baby refusing bottles used to take the baby out a walk or a drive or anything in the night sometimes just so I could get some uninterrupted sleep, who told me every night before he went to sleep to wake him up if I needed some support, and who took the baby off me and resettled them early in the morning and then played with them after the next feed for a couple of hours so I could go back to bed to try and catch up on sleep, and who took the baby and toddler the majority of the weekend so I could rest.

I can see why you're livid, sleep deprivation is a really hard thing and not only is he not helping, he is completely minimising your struggles.

It's not clear if you've spoken to him about it all though, have you said how hard you're finding it? Has he offered to do anything to help? Have you told him anything he can do to help? What did you say at the time when he told people about his great sleeper?

One other thing when people say they don't hear the baby I dont think thats true, in the sense that they know it's not their responsibility so they dont tune in. After we sleep trained my awful sleeper I took a few months for the anxiety around sleep to dissipate and then my husband took over night wakings because I had health issues. I now dont register when anyone gets up in the night, it's like my brain knows it's not my responsibility so I dont wake up. Like how you subconsciously know where you are in your sleep or the boundaries of the bed or if someone is sharing a bed with you or not. When my husband is away, I find I sleep a lot lighter as I'm sub consciously listening for the baby. If your husband genuinely never hears the baby what are you going to do to make sure you can safely leave the baby overnight with him before the baby is a toddler in their own bed?

@feelingmehtoday

* I don't subscribe to the whole MN - a father/man must do half of everything and you must force him to do it or leave him view*

Neither do I. Mine just helped naturally.

Same. He wouldn’t have dreamt of not supporting with the baby he was 50% responsible for creating.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Same - sleep deprivation made me quite unwell too at one point. DP instructed me from that point to always wake him whenever I needed support (although to be fair he wakes when she cries anyway). We've done the nights jointly ever since. No sense one of us sleeping perfectly and the other's mental health declining to the point of being unable to function let alone care for a baby.

@WorkHardPlayHard1. You're absolutely right.

Our expectations are out of kilter for men and women.

What would we say to a woman who went back from maternity leave and who was a doctor, nurse, dentist, train driver or even a nursery nurse in charge of keeping multiple young children safe? Would we say to them, "Oh your job is so important and you could kill people if you don't get enough sleep so you must get 8hrs uninterrupted sleep a night and should leave all the night wakings to your husband"? No, we wouldn't. We might expect their husbands to share the night wakings but not to do all of them. We'd tell them to suck it up and drink coffee. Yet lots of men seem to get a free pass. Women do these oh so important jobs too, you know. They also manage to care for their children.

Yes, I have seen what you describe. The wife was a paediatric consultant, operating on elective cases and also emergencies. The husband did an office job. They definitely didn't protect her sleep the way they would (in my opinion) if she'd been a he.

I am also at how casually people take driving on hardly any sleep. It's heavy machinery and you could kill yourself, the DC and others!

*Going to work could also mean performing brain surgery or driving a train 🤷‍♀️

Looking after a baby whilst relentless requires significantly less pressure / responsibility / decision making challenges than many people have at work*

As I said, it doesn't have to involve waking in the night if that is not appropriate for your circumstances. But the brain surgeon/train driver can presumbably sort out online food shopping, keep on top of the laundry, make sure the changing bag is packed, take the baby out for a walk on their days off, do bathtime as often as he can, batch cook a few lunches?

It's just about recognising that maternity leave isn't a holiday, and "being at home all day" doesn't mean that that time is free. The monotony combined with the tiredness is hard.

The monotony combined with the tiredness is hard.

... and combined with the isolation. It can be such an isolating experience^^ at times.

Its always men that say this OP.

The times I've sat listening to a man saying how well his new child sleeps while mum is sitting there looking like Dawn of the Dead. Fucking winds me up, I don't know how they can be so oblivious to it, but you're not alone unfortunately

@EveryoneWantsMumma

Accidentally elbow, kick (gently obvs but enough to wake the idiot) , etc when you get woken up by DS each time from now on!

I did this and it works a treat 😉 sleep régressions are hard, I remember it was a real struggle but it doesn't last. You got this mama ❤️

Yes, I have seen what you describe. The wife was a paediatric consultant, operating on elective cases and also emergencies. The husband did an office job. They definitely didn't protect her sleep the way they would (in my opinion) if she'd been a he.

It puts me into a rage! It happens with shift work as well. Women do evening or night shifts, sleep for a couple of hours and then look after their children all day to save on childcare costs. Men do the same, come home, sleep all day and the woman has to keep the children quiet in the house so daddy can sleep.

Why do so many people seem to think that working exonerates men from parenting? Why isn't it the same for women? Oh, I know, because someone actually has to parent the kids .

@GoldBar

Yes, I have seen what you describe. The wife was a paediatric consultant, operating on elective cases and also emergencies. The husband did an office job. They definitely didn't protect her sleep the way they would (in my opinion) if she'd been a he.

It puts me into a rage! It happens with shift work as well. Women do evening or night shifts, sleep for a couple of hours and then look after their children all day to save on childcare costs. Men do the same, come home, sleep all day and the woman has to keep the children quiet in the house so daddy can sleep.

Why do so many people seem to think that working exonerates men from parenting? Why isn't it the same for women? Oh, I know, because someone actually has to parent the kids .

My OH has come off a night shift before now and stayed awake to take the baby for a few hours while I caught up on some sleep after an awful night with the baby... then we'd swap over around mid morning and he goes to bed. I could not be with a man who expected his life to stay exactly as it was before while everything changed for me. So selfish.

I think it's hard though if the children 'naturally' go to the mum if they are upset or unsettled. But absolutely the partner needs to be really on it if the job involves life and death matters, or a lot of driving.

I'd wake him up everytime the baby got up and give him the dc to change his nappy, even if the dc didn't need a nappy change. See how he likes being woken every night

The father has to assert himself in that situation though and show the child that he is a source of comfort too. There isn't a switch that will flick, it comes from bonding over time and ideally should start from birth so that the baby feels secure with both of her parents.

I would be interested to know how many of these heavy machinery operators would phone in sick after every poor night's sleep, and that was ok with their employer. Presumably before they became fathers they didn't always sleep brilliantly before work.

Morning everyone! Feeling so much better after my rant, a bit more sleep and your comments!

Thank you for empathising and your support, I just needed to hear it!

DH is really supportive, he really is. It was a combination of him mentioning to his parents a few times that DS is good through the night and his strop that made me want to actually scream! I think it was the exhaustion catching up with me.

I’m fully aware that because DS is EBF, it’s all on me. DH does want to help, and for months he keeps asking me what can he do, but I tell him nothing - I’m the only one who can feed him, and there’s no point in both of us being awake when it’s my boobs DS needs. Even if DS needs a nappy change in the night or takes a while to settle back down, I don’t see the point in waking DH up when I’m already awake after the feed. The snoring does annoy me though, when I’m feeding DS and DH is lying there snoring away. Either I accidentally kick DH when I get back into bed, or I wake up DH if the snoring upsets DS, which it does sometimes.

I have also started expressing to see how DS takes to the bottle. So far not well but we persevere!

DH does also pull his weight on weekends. In the mornings he takes him as soon as DS is awake to give me a lie in on both days, and gets heavily involved. He is a good husband and dad, it was just his comment and the strop, plus the lack of sleep that led to my explosion...!

Re DH’s comment, I do make sure I tell him how often DS wakes up, and he asks every morning, but he seems to forget about the bad nights and remember the very few occasions where DS woke only twice in the night. His comment is based around DS going straight back to sleep after his feed, which he does half the time. But by saying DS is good at night, it downplays to everyone the other half of the time when he doesn’t go back down, or wakes every 1-2 hours, and so on. That I need to speak to him about to let him know it upsets me as it disregards how much I actually do. I’m not looking for praise, just don’t act like I have it easy!

Must admit, I’m mortified at how angry I was!!

It's weird that your husband refers to himself in the third person and specifically as 'the baby'.

@Bridezillamaybe

It's weird that your husband refers to himself in the third person and specifically as 'the baby'.

Huh?

When sleep deprived and hearing someone else snoring feeling murderous is normal!!!

Not acting on those feelings can be very difficult...

@feelingmehtoday

* I don't subscribe to the whole MN - a father/man must do half of everything and you must force him to do it or leave him view*

Neither do I. Mine just helped naturally.

Mine too. There'd have been words if he hadn't, but thankfully he's not the type who thinks his sleep trumps mine. He realises that during the day I need to be present and not dangerously tired with a young baby. He can nap on his lunch break. I don't get one of those.

Can't believe the internalised misogyny in some of these posts.

He can nap on his lunch break. I don't get one of those.

Yep. He can also eat on his lunch break. Which we don't get.