To not think teens should be “grateful” for things they really don’t want?

[workwoes123]

We’ve just come back from our annual camping holiday. It was not fun : the weather was crap, the activities we planned didn’t work out. DS2 (10) was fine - he’s adaptable, happy go lucky, likes a challenge and he (with DH) just made the best of it. DS1 (14) was a bit of a pain - glued to his phone, cbstantly chatting with his friends / girlfriend, didn’t want to do anything we proposed unless it involved eating out, was clearly bored and barely tolerating the whole thing. He wasn’t rude - just not engaged and clearly just counting down the days till we went home.

DH is really annoyed with him. He was brought up to be grateful for what you get - to enthusiastically eat whatever’s put on your plate (even if it’s horrible), to say “thank you, that’s lovely” for gifts you don’t like, to go along with what other people want to do - whether you want to or not - especially if they are paying for it.

Me? I can see DSs point. It was a shit holiday. The only gratitude I feel is to be back in a house, with tiled floors, toilets and actual beds. Yes, I found his behaviour annoying - but I remember feeling the same on tedious family camping holidays.

Which one of us is BU? Should children be grateful for whatever we give them - whether they want / enjoy it or not?

YABU - yes they should
YANBU - no they shouldn’t have to be

Well my dc would have behaved like yours but inside I agree with your dh. At least they could pretend to like the company if nothing else!

14 is a shit age tbh.

I remember a holiday with DS1 at that age. It was perfect - weather, activities, food etc. And he still chose to mope around with a face like a smacked arse, permanently on his phone.

Just ignore him. If it was actually shit, you can't expect him to pretend it wasnt just to make your DH feel better about the whole thing.

I can see both sides. Being polite and making the best of things is a nice quality to develop. But it's not fair to expect fake enthusiasm and forced gratitude, particularly for things he never asked for. He should be able to relax and be himself, so overall I'd agree with you.

I agree with you. Holidays are supposed to be fun for everyone. I would actively try to choose something we all will like and I would not go camping in shit weather.

As a 14 yo that would’ve been an utterly vile proposition and still is to me 30 years later.

I think a camping holiday is a hard sell to a 14yo unless they are particularly interested in outdoor activities.

I don't think he should have to pretend to be grateful, but I do think he should have been civil while there even if not loving it.

Being grateful - no, I wouldn’t expect that unless he had specifically asked for an activity/meal etc. But he is old enough to understand that constantly moaning about something generally just makes it worse - including for everyone else. Though as at his age he may be too young and hormonal to put that into practice.

At 14 your DH needs to accept DS is becoming his own person and is resistant to enforced activities.

He went. He didn't cause trouble. That's enough.

I wouldn’t expect kids to be grateful, but I would expect them not to be rude, to make the best of a bad situation and to engage in conversation with the rest of us.

I think with gifts you should be grateful that someone thought to buy you a gift even if they got it wrong. Appreciate the thought and all that.

But in this situation I agree with you. It sounds crap and I'd struggle to be grateful for it myself.

You can be your own person without being rude

I agree with your DH to be honest - it's also how I was raised

Being angry at children for having feelings is ridiculous. If we think something is shit we get the option to not do it but kids have to do shit they don’t like all the time and then people get arsey when they don’t like it

Yes, I think finding a way to make the best of circumstances you find yourself in (even if you wouid never have chosen them and can't wait fir it to be over) is a trait worth having.

As is doing the same to please others.

We're talking about a few days holiday here (not doormatting through the big things in life)

I’d rather have no holiday than camp tbh.

I was brought up like your dh, and can see both sides. Your ds may not have enjoyed it but he is also old enough to understand that you didn’t deliberately take him on holiday to make him miserable . I am sure you and your dh intended everyone to have a good time and have done your best in a year that has been difficult and where holiday options are limited. He also may not have particularly have enjoyed himself but that does not give him the right to ruin everyone else’s holiday .

My sympathies OP , holidays with teenagers are rarely easy ! I would chalk it up to experience . If it’s anything like mine in 10 years time your ds will ask if you remember that holiday in 2021 and wasn’t it great, and you will be thinking ‘what the one you moshed about incessantly ‘

moaned not moshed !

Why are you going camping? Cost, or because your DH chooses to?

I'm with your son on this one. 14 is difficult - old enough to have the critical faculties to know what you like, too young to get much say.

I would never voluntarily go camping, even in beautiful weather! If I somehow got hoodwinked into a camping holiday I would check the forecast before departure and if it was half as bad as the weather we've been having I would find some way to escape.

The holiday sounds terrible and I don't blame your DS for moping. However in all other cases that you've listed I'd agree with your DH. It's basic manners to be enthusiastic about presents even if you think they're rubbish, and to eat what someone else has prepared for you. At 14 he's old enough to understand that.

If my 14yo DS came camping and was obviously bored and barely tolerant but wasn't rude I'd be thrilled. That probably says more about how we've parented DS though. As it is we're leaving DS with friends when we camp this weekend.

I think YANBU

Next time I’d send the teen elsewhere while we went on holidays. Perhaps to relatives or a residential camp. I don’t think I’d enjoy any holiday if my teenager was hugging and puffing whilst glued to their phone.

I think it's selfish and inconsiderate to plan a holiday that won't be fun for everyone - children/teens are still people.

You don't sound that keen on camping, your teen wasn't very keen - why did you go?

I think your DH is being very unreasonable.

I think I must be a bad parent on MN standards 😬

I don't force my children to eat what they don't like and be in whatever mood I deem appropriate. They are individuals and also deserve respect as well as giving it.

Oh dear.

YANBU. They should be grateful if they have a roof over their head, food on their plate etc as long as what they need is what they want. If they don't like the food on the table they don't have to be grateful for it.

Your H is unreasonable to expect gratitude from your son when he didn't have fun- he's allowed to be grumpy about a holiday he didn't enjoy.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I think with gifts you should be grateful that someone thought to buy you a gift even if they got it wrong. Appreciate the thought and all that.

But in this situation I agree with you. It sounds crap and I'd struggle to be grateful for it myself.

this absolutely