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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not think teens should be “grateful” for things they really don’t want?

115 replies

workwoes123 · 30/07/2021 17:48

We’ve just come back from our annual camping holiday. It was not fun : the weather was crap, the activities we planned didn’t work out. DS2 (10) was fine - he’s adaptable, happy go lucky, likes a challenge and he (with DH) just made the best of it. DS1 (14) was a bit of a pain - glued to his phone, cbstantly chatting with his friends / girlfriend, didn’t want to do anything we proposed unless it involved eating out, was clearly bored and barely tolerating the whole thing. He wasn’t rude - just not engaged and clearly just counting down the days till we went home.

DH is really annoyed with him. He was brought up to be grateful for what you get - to enthusiastically eat whatever’s put on your plate (even if it’s horrible), to say “thank you, that’s lovely” for gifts you don’t like, to go along with what other people want to do - whether you want to or not - especially if they are paying for it.

Me? I can see DSs point. It was a shit holiday. The only gratitude I feel is to be back in a house, with tiled floors, toilets and actual beds. Yes, I found his behaviour annoying - but I remember feeling the same on tedious family camping holidays.

Which one of us is BU? Should children be grateful for whatever we give them - whether they want / enjoy it or not?

OP posts:

2Rebecca · 30/07/2021 21:17

I think holiday cottages are much better for holidays than campsites

Mandalay246 · 30/07/2021 21:17

Yes, I think finding a way to make the best of circumstances you find yourself in (even if you wouid never have chosen them and can't wait fir it to be over) is a trait worth having.

I agree with this. We all have to do things we don't want to in life, and have to make the best of it - people who can find a way to do that cope so much better than those who whinge.

5zeds · 30/07/2021 21:18

If we think something is shit we get the option to not do it . Holy shit I missed a huge memo!!!! I do things that bore me and I don’t much fancy all the time.

Dogoodfeelgood · 30/07/2021 21:18

I’m definitely letting my future teenagers bow out of family holidays and rejoin when they’re older and can enjoy them again. I have only bad memories of teenage family holidays from my own teen years, all you want to do is text your boyfriend and everything is a chore - it’s not fair on anyone

irresistibleoverwhelm · 30/07/2021 21:27

14 is a tough age. I remember a family camping holiday in France aged 14 when it was blisteringly hot, I had my period, but I couldn’t yet manage to insert tampons properly and spent several days alternately trying and failing, then weeping in frustration as everyone else went in the lovely pool, and the rest of the time I spent in the hot tent reading PG Wodehouse and crap fantasy novels and sulking.

I had no friends there, was lonely and fed up and really miserable about my emerging body and how fat I thought it was and how I couldn’t wear the clothes I wanted and everyone else seemed to be with friends and having fun and I was on my own with my much younger siblings. Yes there were occasional fun bits, but to be honest some of the only enjoyable parts were being allowed to have a small French lager with lime cordial in it outside the tent in the evening - a chance to feel a bit more grown up!

Obviously the period thing won’t affect your DS, but I didn’t articulate a lot of my misery to my mum, and so I don’t think anyone would have known what I was feeling apart from that I was sulking in the tent. 14 year olds often have a lot of stuff going on they can’t quite explain to adults. I would never say it is fine for them to be rude, but maybe a bit of slack is okay.

I grew up very much like your DH, and it’s taken me until my forties to be able to stand up for myself and not put pleasing others and showing a good face above everything else. I would have been better off in my life if I’d had a stronger sense of self and not put up and shut up all the time (eldest daughter syndrome!)

rubbletrouble · 30/07/2021 21:29

to enthusiastically eat whatever’s put on your plate (even if it’s horrible),
What, no, that's ridiculous

to say “thank you, that’s lovely” for gifts you don’t like
Saying thank you, absolutely gushing over something you didn't ask for or like, no

to go along with what other people want to do - whether you want to or not - especially if they are paying for it

No, my DS is taught he must have manners, he must be respectful, but he can say no,thank you if there is an option for him to do something. We teach him money does not give people power over what you do in your personal life. Of course you have to do things in life that you don't always want to, but not faking enjoying activities or food you are enjoying, very strange.

He's 14, bored on holiday and wants to be with his mates and girlfriend, give him a break.

DinosaurDiana · 30/07/2021 21:31

I think your DH is being unreasonable really. Your DS would probably have preferred to stay at home, but he went along.

Fizbosshoes · 30/07/2021 21:49

@Dogoodfeelgood

How do you mean let your teens bow out?
I think we could have much easier holidays with my tween because hes up for doing new things, going places, trying activities whereas teen thinks literally everything is boring....but we cant exactly leave her at home!!

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 21:52

I think it's fine he isn't grateful. He's 14, it's exactly his time to be disgusted with family and pining for friends. It's annoying as hell but very healthy development!

BettyAndFrank · 31/07/2021 00:26

14…I’d have hated a camping holiday…luckily my parents only took me on one once when I was 7 in a heat wave… they would’ve understood why I hated them

BettyAndFrank · 31/07/2021 00:27

And I understand why at his age he’d have found it joyless…

RhonaRed · 31/07/2021 00:42

I think we are all free to express our true feelings, but once. After that I do tell mine that we've heard it now, taken it onboard and would they stop moaning. Immediately.

Manycupsoftea · 31/07/2021 00:46

Your DS has much better temper than I do. I've ruined most family holidays for my parents and am still fussy about food - I feel guilty as a grown up for what I put my parents through but I'd still act out or starve if I didnt like the holiday etc. But I have so much more control. I even backed out of a family holiday this year. Don't take shit in life. If you don't enjoy it don't do it.

Manycupsoftea · 31/07/2021 00:50

I mean speak out politely but firmly, not act out, if I didnt like something

RubyGoat · 31/07/2021 00:56

I refused to go on holiday with my family after the age of 15. Their idea of what was enjoyable bore no resemblance to mine. I'm sure they were happier without my stroppy teenage self scowling at everything too!

Guineapigbridge · 31/07/2021 01:07

I'd also rather have no holiday than camp. It's shit.
I like campervans though.

Guineapigbridge · 31/07/2021 01:08

@RhonaRed

I think we are all free to express our true feelings, but once. After that I do tell mine that we've heard it now, taken it onboard and would they stop moaning. Immediately.

This is perfect ^

NumberTheory · 31/07/2021 09:01

I’m with your DH. I think in a group situation like that It’s incumbent on everyone to make the most of things and find a way to enjoy at least some of it. It’s not that he should be grateful for something awful, it’s that he should have been making the best of it not moping/wallowing in his misery.

GoldBar · 31/07/2021 09:08

It's awful having to jolly everyone along and be the life and soul of the party even though you're not feeling it.

I thought that particular torture was reserved for parents.

Polite acquiescence from a pissed off 14 year old sounds fine.

If parents want unrestrained joy and enthusiasm from their children, they have to get it right. A polite but quiet thank you is a sign that you've bombed. The challenge is to do better next time. Maybe try talking to your DC about what type of holiday they would like?

HelloMissus · 31/07/2021 09:10

Teens don’t have to be grateful fir anything but their lives will me immeasurably improves if they learn manners and how to play the game.

Heronwatcher · 31/07/2021 09:14

Not grateful, no. But they should be prepared to try to make the best of it for everyone else’s sake and not either be a passive critic or make things worse. I know it’s a difficult age but it is an important life lesson that things won’t always be exactly as you want them but if you can take a positive approach you might just enjoy some of it.

Positivelyrandom · 31/07/2021 09:15

It was a shit holiday. You didn’t enjoy it, why would he? I think in terms of being polite to extended family and friend re meals and gifts, to anyone who is helping him in any way, or showing him kindness, yes he should be grateful and gracious, but with his close family, he should also be allowed to be honest. TBH, it doesn’t sound as though he was awful, just not particularly engaged. I would try a different type of holiday.

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 09:19

14 is old enough to be polite, and make a bit of an effort. A bad attitude will only make the whole thing worst for them and the entire family.
You can have and express your opinion without sulking like a spoil brat.

GoldBar · 31/07/2021 09:19

I remember getting in the car to go home after a particularly bad holiday one year (tiny caravan that didn't have enough beds, rained the whole time and water leaking through the roof). We all started laughing and agreed never again. Our parents took us to the cinema and for pizza on the way home to say thank you for not moaning too much.

Trying to pretend that holiday was any fun would have been an exercise in fiction.

PrettyLittleFlies · 31/07/2021 09:37

@eightyfourandahalf

14 is old enough to be polite, and make a bit of an effort. A bad attitude will only make the whole thing worst for them and the entire family. You can have and express your opinion without sulking like a spoil brat.

You don't have a 14yo do you

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