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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think teens should be “grateful” for things they really don’t want?

115 replies

workwoes123 · 30/07/2021 17:48

We’ve just come back from our annual camping holiday. It was not fun : the weather was crap, the activities we planned didn’t work out. DS2 (10) was fine - he’s adaptable, happy go lucky, likes a challenge and he (with DH) just made the best of it. DS1 (14) was a bit of a pain - glued to his phone, cbstantly chatting with his friends / girlfriend, didn’t want to do anything we proposed unless it involved eating out, was clearly bored and barely tolerating the whole thing. He wasn’t rude - just not engaged and clearly just counting down the days till we went home.

DH is really annoyed with him. He was brought up to be grateful for what you get - to enthusiastically eat whatever’s put on your plate (even if it’s horrible), to say “thank you, that’s lovely” for gifts you don’t like, to go along with what other people want to do - whether you want to or not - especially if they are paying for it.

Me? I can see DSs point. It was a shit holiday. The only gratitude I feel is to be back in a house, with tiled floors, toilets and actual beds. Yes, I found his behaviour annoying - but I remember feeling the same on tedious family camping holidays.

Which one of us is BU? Should children be grateful for whatever we give them - whether they want / enjoy it or not?

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 30/07/2021 20:01

no, I don't think he should have been grateful for going on a shit holiday he didn't want to go on!

14 year olds are difficult. They are glued to their phones.

fwiw I consult with my teens about where we go on holiday - I want us all to enjoy it, not to be there under sufferance.

morningteaisthebest · 30/07/2021 20:05

I guess your husband could be grateful for what he got in terms of time spent with his sons? The bright side is that you all spent time together. And sometimes the rotten holidays are the ones you remember more

Chickenyhead · 30/07/2021 20:06

I doubt very much that DS14s feelings or enjoyment factored in to the booking of the holiday to any extent. Yet he went and wasn't rude. Surely he isnt expected to be grateful? It wasn't for him specifically.

I would struggle to be grateful for a holiday mountain climbing. It isnt my thing. But I might suffer it for my family. Don't expect me to gush about it.

If you cannot be yourself around your family, exactly who can you be yourself around? We aren't all made in a mold, identical polyanna clones.

Fizbosshoes · 30/07/2021 20:07

This sounds like what a camping holiday would be like with my 2 - Although DS (11) is so positive about everything - even when we go to shit places he always says "this is nice! Grin It makes me feel guilty that I've set the bar so low literally anything is an improvement!!
I think theres difference though, that I would hope/expect my DC to be grateful for a present from an outsider even if it wasnt quite what they wanted.We have an elderly relative - not a GP- that has for years bought presents a few years too young for our DC. They have no children/gc of their own and limited opportunities to shop. Theyve moved on to sending money since covid hit which is easier but I always wanted DC to show appreciation that they'd gone to the bother of getting a present even if a bit babyish.
But I think it's different with your immediate family. I'm (mostly) ok with my DC saying something is disappointing (particularly if that's true!!)

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2021 20:09

Around 13, I let my children decide if they wanted to come. My Mum was happy to have them if not. I think what your DH wants to instill is very damaging, luckily you don't have girls, or you'd be setting them up for low self worth, the same as your SIL.

StrongerOrWeaker · 30/07/2021 20:11

It's fine not to enjoy the holiday and say so but there is no need behaving like a stroppy child. You didn't like the holiday - did you have a strip about it?

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 30/07/2021 20:11

Your son sounds like he was polite so he was not being unreasonable. Your husband sounds like a pompous and manipulative guilt tripper ans is being unreasonable.

GreatAuntEmily · 30/07/2021 20:11

Does he want lifts '- ' thanks DS, but I don't feel like driving you tonight' Polite refusal

Chickenyhead · 30/07/2021 20:14

It sounds like it was DH having the strop, not DS.

5zeds · 30/07/2021 20:14

I’m with your dh. Sometimes food is burnt, sometimes we’re late, sometimes it rains, sometimes there isn’t enough for your trip….I expect them to try and be kind about it. If you have saved and taken time off and given time, of course they should be grateful and try to be polite.

RoseGoldEagle · 30/07/2021 20:20

14 is a difficult age. I remember a holiday abroad with my parents when I was around that age, it was gorgeous weather and we were staying in a lovely place, but I was so moody and sulky the whole time. Embarrassing when I look back. I remember feeling embarrassed to be on holiday with my parents (not sure why!), and just hated it, and didn’t do a good job of hiding it. I remember years later when I graduated going on a weeks holiday with them before starting work, and having a brilliant time, and we all had a good laugh about that grumpy holiday. I think if your DS wasn’t outwardly rude then to mope about a bit isn’t all that bad really.

Duchess379 · 30/07/2021 20:27

My parents never took me on holiday & we were quite well off. So I would have been grateful to have time away with them, even if it was raining.

Fizbosshoes · 30/07/2021 20:30

I remember being really ungrateful at that age actually (we were always whinging our parents wanted to look at views and historical buildings!) and every year for years my mum vowed (in the car home)that we were so awful she would never come on another holiday with us again!Blush

igelkott2021 · 30/07/2021 20:35

I agree - I see both sides - on the one hand camping is rubbish, on the other hand, you shouldn't be (too) churlish about things especially those outside parents' control like weather. I suspect ds would be the same - glued to his phone and only interested in food Grin

Not sure about having to be grateful for gifts you didn't want though or from people you don't want to get things from. But that's probably a slightly different point.

Miseryl · 30/07/2021 20:38

Camping is a form of torture, I'm with your teenager on this one.

AvantGardening · 30/07/2021 20:40

Perhaps your DH could demonstrate this gratitude of which he speaks. He could be demonstrably grateful his wife and child came on a holiday they didn’t enjoy to please him. And next year you can do something you and your teen would like and Dah can demonstrate how to be gracious when a holiday isn’t your choice.

CatsArePeople · 30/07/2021 20:42

seriously, I wish there were kennels for teenagers - with unlimited wifi and takeaway food. Families could leave them there for holiday time, and collect them an the way home. Because even the nicest holidays and activities are wasted on them. Its just not cool to hang out with your parents at 14.

CBroads · 30/07/2021 20:44

I would honestly rather stay at home than camp, even in the best weather conditions. I sympathise with your son. Your husband has to realise that the world your kids are growing up in is very different to the one you grew up in.

CBroads · 30/07/2021 20:48

He wasn't rude nor did he play up. He just got on with it. The husband needs to come into the 21st century. Teenagers just don't want to hang out with their families, simple as that really. It sounds like he didn't have a choice whether he went or not.

LolaSmiles · 30/07/2021 20:49

You say he wasn't rude, but barely interacting with people he's on holiday with and not engaging is quite rude to me.

Your DH is unreasonable in expecting gushing gratitude but it sounds to me like DS was being obviously ungrateful, which would annoy me.

Chickenyhead · 30/07/2021 20:50

@CatsArePeople

seriously, I wish there were kennels for teenagers - with unlimited wifi and takeaway food. Families could leave them there for holiday time, and collect them an the way home. Because even the nicest holidays and activities are wasted on them. Its just not cool to hang out with your parents at 14.
I'm in, let's set one up!
QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 20:50

Aahhh Moody teen syndrome ..,

Lollypop701 · 30/07/2021 20:53

Just got back from caravan holiday… kids don’t love it but as long as they are polite I go with it. It’s not their idea of a great time, but we have limited choice right now and I’m not going without a holiday. I did let them stay at camp as they’re older than yours, ds did that once as was actually bored😂

thevassal · 30/07/2021 21:11

@ClemDanFango

Being angry at children for having feelings is ridiculous. If we think something is shit we get the option to not do it but kids have to do shit they don’t like all the time and then people get arsey when they don’t like it Confused
This. As an adult if someone bought me a free camping holiday I would be grateful, I would be polite and say thanks but I would not be going! Your ds didn't have that choice. A holiday that at least half the family hated sounds like a pretty terrible holiday tbh!

Ask your dh how he would have reacted if someone took him on a type of holiday he would hate (yoga retreat, skiing, hay on wye literary festival, church retreat, hard Rock festival- whatever he is completely not interested in) and everyday people moaned at him asking why he isn't enjoying himself, he is so lucky to be here etc etc.

Fair play to your son not overtly moaning and at least putting up with it to be honest!

2Rebecca · 30/07/2021 21:16

As an adult if you went on a holiday that was a bit crap you'd say it was a bit crap. Children shouldn't have to pretend they enjoyed something they didn't. Presents are different. You should always say thank you for gifts and look pleased, unless you think it can be exchanged but even then I'd only say something if the person said they had a gift receipt they could give me.

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