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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to find this frustrating?

143 replies

PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 13:55

My son is 9 and is now at the age where he never wants to go anywhere, obviously it’s the 6 weeks holiday and we are going to parks etc but he never wants to come and if I force him to come he plays up a lot, yesterday he was awful and behaving really badly so we all had to leave but he knows what he is doing and that is his plan. Before anyone says to discipline him I do but it doesn’t really change anything. Does anyone else’s child do this? I feel really restricted in the holidays as I have no one to leave him with and it’s affecting the other children as he never wants to go to any of the places they do.

OP posts:

ForeverSausages · 30/07/2021 19:52

I have a SN son and have limited support, so unfortunately he does have to go places / do things he doesn't want to do. I try and limit it as much as possible, but as a PP said we have to eat so supermarkets are a must. Bribery is pretty much how I get by during summer holidays. We have a star chart and essentially he gets stars for doing stuff he doesn't want to do. Stars = screen time. Don't get me wrong, no idea if it's the best parenting in the world, but it helps with the complete meltdowns. I also prepare well in advance. In fact, I told him today that we'll need to go to Tesco on Monday because of X, y, z. It is tough, and you have my sympathy.

KurtWilde · 30/07/2021 19:53

You do realise autism isn't an illness, it's something children are born with or develop at a very young age. Often it's not spotted until they're in nursery or school depending where they are on the spectrum, but they were still born with it

Wafflethefuckinwonderdog · 30/07/2021 19:53

Has the nine year old got a bike / scooter he could ride around the park on? While the little ones are playing.

Original poster

PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 19:57

I said I was told not that he didn’t have it, more picking on everything I say

OP posts:

Sirzy · 30/07/2021 19:59

Beyond shopping for toys what does he enjoy?

You say he likes Lego shop so is it safe to assume he likes Lego? Even things like all watching the Lego movie and having a cinema at home can be a good way of killing time.

While the others are occupied at home spend time doing his Lego with him.

quizqueen · 30/07/2021 20:15

Can he take a bag of Lego to the park and play with that while the other children enjoy the park stuff? Do you have a partner who you could leave him with on non-working days and then you take the other 3 to the park without him?

PerciphonePuma · 30/07/2021 20:46

@TheQueenofMoo

I don't know why the OP is getting so much stick here. She has said in her posts that she's done different things and her DS moans about them too.

I'm quite sympathetic, because my 8YO is like this and my 6YO is starting to get like this too (I blame his brother being a bad influence!). I do think that since covid has happened, they have some kind of agoraphobia because they moan about doing anything that involves leaving the house, even when it is something they have asked to do and enjoy!

I still take them out even if it does end up in tears and tantrums. But it is exhausting just getting them out and sometimes I do think why do I even bother!

Yes same here! My DD has ASD and suddenly since lockdown, being at home is all she wants to do! If I have to pop to a shop on the way home from school pick up or need to nip out to the post office - full meltdown! The only 'acceptable' reason for leaving the house, seems to be driving to school, Grandma's or a day out at a farm park/swimming/other fun activity that she has already said she wants to do! I honestly began to worry that she was developing agoraphobia as my elderly Mum has, quite literally :(

PerciphonePuma · 30/07/2021 20:47

@pleasedonttextmyman OP is NOT the one lashing out

PerciphonePuma · 30/07/2021 20:52

@Vimtogenie

I get it op. I have 2 asd kids. Smaller age gap, but their interests are getting more different as they get older.

Our youngest especially is currently obsessed with new toys & regularly asks for one (daily). He just doesn’t understand that we can’t get him a new one constantly. He can get quite upset. We’re working on a pocket money chart & fingers crossed he’s starting to get it now.

Equally leaving the house seems to bring on a lot of anxiety for both of them, even if it’s for something fun.

We tend to negotiate a bit with ours. So,
“It’s your turn to choose which park today as your brother chose yesterday”
“We’re going here today, but I’ll bring your headphones & on the way home if you’re good we’ll get some sweets/ice cream/favourite lunch etc…”
“We’ll do this this morning & then this afternoon we’ll come home & you choose what to play with”

My youngest is a sensory seeker where my eldest is going the other way. So it might be that the sand at the park is a bit much for him in a sensory capacity. Is there a grassy bit he could sit on maybe on a blanket & take a book or something so he’s still going but potentially avoiding the issues that make him distressed? Then you can enjoy it without him going into meltdown?

Can I just say - fabulous suggestions here! Will be taking these on board myself, thank you @Vimtogenie (also a Vimto fan!)

PerciphonePuma · 30/07/2021 20:54

@Bookworm20

I have no one to leave him with

it says in my op that I have no one to leave him with

from being a lone parent which I thought was clear considering I never mentioned a partner and said in my op I have no one to leave him with

There is family, my mum could have him occasionally, she will have the girls occasionally and already has in the holidays

Fuck me this is hard work.

Has it never crossed your hyper-critical mind that as OP has a child with ASD, that there's a possibility that she may also have ASD? No, we'll never know one way or the other but I really bloody wish some posters on here would stop and do a bit of critical thinking before going on the attack when an OP is clearly struggling on a thread

Give your head a shake

PerciphonePuma · 30/07/2021 20:56

@HaroldTheHare

Crikey OP you're hard work & it certainly sounds like your poor son needs support & interactions outside of school hours.

Give your head a shake

cleocleo16 · 30/07/2021 20:58

My DS is the same. It's incredibly hard work. I either end up forcing him or we have to allow him time to get used to the fact we are going out and then he will reluctantly go. He has a strop if we go for a walk around the area of the play-park. I have learnt just to leave him to have his strop and not engage, walk away, ignore and ignore. It's hard work for a while but after that he gets on with it and usually enjoys himself. It doesn't stop him doing the same again.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 21:43

Has the nine year old got a bike / scooter he could ride around the park on? While the little ones are playing.

I was going to suggest a scooter too so he’s still going to the park but he doesn’t feel like a baby. Or as a PP suggested something like Lego to keep him entertained.

It’s very difficult finding something that they all enjoy. I would ask him what he wants to do as it may be that he’s thinking you’re only going for his younger siblings and not him.

There is a list on the national trust website and it’s something like 100 things to do before you’re 11 and a 1/2 and it has things like climb a tree or find a ladybug. I wonder if he’d like to do something like this.

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2021 21:54

Do you think his asd is why he doesn't want to leave the house or he is just being 9? Would he come to the park if he is allowed a device with headphones?

We have a wipe calendar where we sit and plan the week

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 30/07/2021 22:03

I think you need to tackle this one of two ways. Either make it worth his while for example if he comes to the park and stays until 2pm without whining he can have an ice-cream, screen time or whatever. Or you could make it okay for him by bringing an iPad or something. I know people will think this is a terrible idea but if I was you I’d just make it so it’s not a war and you have some fun times whatever it takes.

RedHelenB · 30/07/2021 22:10

Just leave him at home, he'll be fine for a couple of hours.

Vimtogenie · 30/07/2021 22:52

@PerciphonePuma just sharing what works for us.

We’d also tell them the night before what we’re doing. We’ve never been able to spring it on them that morning or just before we leave. Mine need time to get used to the idea of where we’re going.

We also give them a count down before we leave the house-so leaving in 10 minutes, leaving in 5 & no iPad/console before we leave or we’d never get them out 🤣

Vimto’s spectacular 😊🍷

Bookworm20 · 31/07/2021 08:55

@PerciphonePuma

Well lots of pp have offered excellent advice to the op and she’s responded with nothing but rudeness and a reluctance to answer any questions or take anything on board.
Responses are limited to stop picking on me.
When no One has picked on her, but pp have got frustrated at the ops attitude when trying to help.

She hadn’t thanked a single person who has offered up advice or said she will try any of the advice. And there is really some great help and suggestions here.

So no, I don’t automatically assume op has asd. I assume she has very few manners.
Not the same thing.

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