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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to find this frustrating?

143 replies

PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 13:55

My son is 9 and is now at the age where he never wants to go anywhere, obviously it’s the 6 weeks holiday and we are going to parks etc but he never wants to come and if I force him to come he plays up a lot, yesterday he was awful and behaving really badly so we all had to leave but he knows what he is doing and that is his plan. Before anyone says to discipline him I do but it doesn’t really change anything. Does anyone else’s child do this? I feel really restricted in the holidays as I have no one to leave him with and it’s affecting the other children as he never wants to go to any of the places they do.

OP posts:
velvetpeach · 30/07/2021 16:03

On your other thread about cancelling child maintenance you get angry with posters for suggesting you put the money in a separate account for your kids in case they need it, as you say £28 a month (a disgusting small amount, I agree) won't make any difference to your kids' lives; yet you are getting aggressive with people who are trying to help you again as you "don't have the funds" to go anywhere but parks?!

It can be frustrating to read such antagonistic responses to those who are making helpful suggestions, on both threads.

Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:03

I’m nor frustrated by lack of money? I have money just not enough to do those things regularly as he would like, when I was little my mum rarely took us anywhere during the holidays, we use to play out on the street though but that isn’t a thing around here, I’m not frustrated about “lack of money” not sure how you translated it to that tbh, I’m frustrated that I can’t take my other children out without one of them complaining and playing up if it’s not what they want to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:04

Once again it’s not about money, even if I had money we wouldn’t do them things often and £7 certainly wouldn’t be enough to do them! Even £28 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:05

Bookworm it says in my op that I have no one to leave him with

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:08

Money or not, I wouldn't take my own kids to the lego shop or smyths more than once this month, it's not a solution - but focusing on not being able to afford to go to a store is not helping

I mentioned those things because people have asked what he wants to do and those are the only things he has said, with or without money we wouldn’t be doing them often as I’m not made of money I was simply answering what HE wants to do, in HIS ideal world, no one has money to be taking their kids to paid for things every day, that’s once a week at most, my post is not about money I mentioned funds to explain why the park is where we go to mostly we can’t go to pair things every day

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 30/07/2021 16:09

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m nor frustrated by lack of money? I have money just not enough to do those things regularly as he would like, when I was little my mum rarely took us anywhere during the holidays, we use to play out on the street though but that isn’t a thing around here, I’m not frustrated about “lack of money” not sure how you translated it to that tbh, I’m frustrated that I can’t take my other children out without one of them complaining and playing up if it’s not what they want to do.
Yes we go to other places but mainly parks what with them being free and funds being limited.

Suggests lack of money? Confused

and by none to leave them with, I didn't translate that to being a lone parent. I took that to mean no family members nearby. So if you've noone to leave them with - you adapt, mix it up, improvise.

Sirzy · 30/07/2021 16:12

There are plenty of free things that aren’t parks.

Or even just stay in the house and have a day of Lego and crafts.

Your posts seem to come across as it’s parks or paid things with no inbeteeen

Bookworm20 · 30/07/2021 16:12

what HE wants to do, in HIS ideal world

I think its obvious HE doesn't want to go to the park 4/5 times a week.
There are other FREE stuff you can do, that is not a park.
I don't know of anyone who takes their DC to paid things each week of the holidays. But what they do do is take them to some FREE things, which are not just the park.

Peace43 · 30/07/2021 16:13

My niece with ASD would struggle with some places because of dirt or spiders or other issues. It may be that your son really does have an issue with sand and rust. She’d also refuse to go if she thought that there was an option to stay home and play her X-box. We start by saying that X-box is not an option for the day and we will be going out. I’d try to offer an option for her such us bringing a jigsaw so we sit on a picnic blanket and do that whilst the other kids do park. All kids should get to do things they like to do and sometimes that means the older or younger ones having to compromise which is tough for an ASD kid.

Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:13

Funds would be limited either way, no parents take 4 children to paid for things 3/4 times a week, most parents use free things like parks etc, stop pulling apart every single thing I say.

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Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:14

We will be going to paid for things at some point, it’s been one week. Chill out, not sure why people are picking everything I say apart, at least others can see them doing it as well.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 30/07/2021 16:16

People are trying to understand so we can try to help you find things that work for everyone. But part of the issue is to me and others it comes across as you expect your son to adapt to the rest of you without any changes from your side or willingness to look at things from his POV. Now I’m sure that’s not really the case but that’s how your posts read

atlastifoundit · 30/07/2021 16:24

I think if you had explained right from the outset in your OP that your ds was autistic, then you would have had entirely different responses.

Is there an autism support group near you? They very often put on activities during school holidays, and other siblings can usually go along too.

Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:27

I don’t think I would have had different responses they are pulling apart everything I have said, from being a lone parent which I thought was clear considering I never mentioned a partner and said in my op I have no one to leave him with, to saying funds are tight which would be the case for most people in the holidays, paid for things aren’t a regular thing and most parents look for free things to do in the holidays and save that stuff for treats

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Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:28

I’m not aware of any autism groups and wouldn’t know how to find any tbh. I’ve explained why travelling is an issue, I don’t drive so yes we can go to museums etc but they are difficult to get to

OP posts:
Vimtogenie · 30/07/2021 16:33

I get it op. I have 2 asd kids. Smaller age gap, but their interests are getting more different as they get older.

Our youngest especially is currently obsessed with new toys & regularly asks for one (daily). He just doesn’t understand that we can’t get him a new one constantly. He can get quite upset. We’re working on a pocket money chart & fingers crossed he’s starting to get it now.

Equally leaving the house seems to bring on a lot of anxiety for both of them, even if it’s for something fun.

We tend to negotiate a bit with ours. So,
“It’s your turn to choose which park today as your brother chose yesterday”
“We’re going here today, but I’ll bring your headphones & on the way home if you’re good we’ll get some sweets/ice cream/favourite lunch etc…”
“We’ll do this this morning & then this afternoon we’ll come home & you choose what to play with”

My youngest is a sensory seeker where my eldest is going the other way. So it might be that the sand at the park is a bit much for him in a sensory capacity. Is there a grassy bit he could sit on maybe on a blanket & take a book or something so he’s still going but potentially avoiding the issues that make him distressed? Then you can enjoy it without him going into meltdown?

Bookworm20 · 30/07/2021 16:33

I have no one to leave him with

Actually I suggested leaving the younger ones so you can do something a bit more interesting with your 9yo. Not leaving your 9yo so you can carry on doing the parks without the bother of him.

There is no father on the scene, no family members and no friends - we've got that now.

most parents look for free things to do in the holidays
But that is what everyone is suggesting you do! How is that picking you apart! But find free things that are not all parks, which would include ALL your children.

Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 16:37

There is family, my mum could have him occasionally, she will have the girls occasionally and already has in the holidays so yes I’ve left my other children with her but she wouldn’t do it often and nor would I ask she has her own life and she would maybe do it once a month but that’s it. Vimtogenie thank you for understanding

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 30/07/2021 16:47

I have no one to leave him with

it says in my op that I have no one to leave him with

from being a lone parent which I thought was clear considering I never mentioned a partner and said in my op I have no one to leave him with

There is family, my mum could have him occasionally, she will have the girls occasionally and already has in the holidays

Fuck me this is hard work.

Sirzy · 30/07/2021 16:49

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m not aware of any autism groups and wouldn’t know how to find any tbh. I’ve explained why travelling is an issue, I don’t drive so yes we can go to museums etc but they are difficult to get to
Look on your councils local offer page.

Ask on Facebook groups locally.

When your back at school ask school.

It’s well worth taking the time to seek these things out especially if you have a limited support network

laurenlodge · 30/07/2021 16:49

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m not aware of any autism groups and wouldn’t know how to find any tbh. I’ve explained why travelling is an issue, I don’t drive so yes we can go to museums etc but they are difficult to get to
Just....Google it?! That's a really poor response considering it's something that might really benefit your son.
EKGEMS · 30/07/2021 16:55

"Thank you for understanding?!!" To only one poster when literally dozens have given you excellent advice??? You have been very difficult to interact with on this thread. There's several SN mothers on here who do understand life with a child whose behavior can spoil days out and family experiences

Vimtogenie · 30/07/2021 17:00

Just a thought as well- if there’s something he uses to regulate at home when he is distressed-could he take that with him?

My youngest is afraid of loud places (despite being the loudest person I know) so we’ll take headphones & play him music. He also likes his fleece blanket, so we tend to take that on longer days out & it tends to calm him.

They also like baseball hats in busy places as it shadows their eyes a bit & they can’t see all the people.

AudHvamm · 30/07/2021 17:01

Too late for this holiday but you could speak to your son’s SENCo when he’s back at school and ask for referral to or info about support groups and possibly even respite residentials.
I know those aren’t available everywhere & not council provision but there are many small charities that offer them over eg half terms

Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 30/07/2021 17:04

You can respond without being nasty though, quite a few posters have been nasty “no wonder your son has no friends with a parent like you” being an example and a nasty nasty thing to say, I don’t even know the other parents I never see them, no need to be so vicious is there

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