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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do you make of this comment from OH

134 replies

GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 19:57

Never ever have I ever posted on AIBU before but, fuck me I'm a bit upset and a bit fucked off so tell me this...

OH had some virtual interviews this afternoon, I said how did they go blah blah normal chit chat

He said he really rated 2/6 people one was a guy and one was a woman. He said he was more towards the woman as she was the only one who put her camera on for the interview but they both said similar things (all the right things for the company!)

I said I was shocked only 1 person put the camera on out of 6 as id assumed a dinstanced interview still would be better to see faces but it was really good as it would help discrimination etc

Ok that's the rather boring back story

I said, was she smoking hot (gently ribbing - yes we do this, no it wasn't a jealousy dig, he works with lots of attractive men & women)

He said 'nah she was a plus' and then looked absolutely fucking horrified, literally like he couldn't believe he said that to me (wrong crowd for sure!) I'm said.. you what? What did you just say?

He actually went fucking red meanwhile I'm going red with rage (I'm a 'plus' too! Size 18 & happy!)

He tries the whole no no you said it was a plus she showed her face (insert lame excuses here)

I said hes disgusting and does he look at me like I can't possibly be pretty as a 'plus'

He THEN SAYS

'No because I dont see you in that way'

Mans lucky I didn't chuck my drink over him.

See me in what way?

'You're just perfect to me I dont look at you and see your body I look at you and see you for you, I love you'

Weeding his way out, I'm actually shocked and raging internally.

Opinions?

Is my fella of 15 years an absolute jerk or am I just over reacting at a small comment right now?

Does he really speak about women this way at work or to his friends? Knowing I'm his partner and have met most of these people? Is that really acceptable?

I feel embarassed for him & kind of for myself if this is how he speaks about fatter folk. I may not be ideal in weight but he has never ever shown anything like this to me before. I've been a size 10 to a size 20 and hes never treated me any differently but now I'm just not quite sure what these actual feelings are.

Go ahead give me your opinions.

OP posts:
clickychicky · 29/07/2021 21:00

He should be focused on what she can do for the company, her achievements and even if it was a joke, you've bought her appearance into it.

Original poster
GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 21:02

@Bluntness100 honestly calm down, I'm fairly certain shes getting the job but there's still a few more stages to get through.

He works with alot of gorgeous men & women of all sizes!

I've never once felt out of place meeting any of them nor will I ever.

Just because you dont discuss people doesn't mean others dont and if you think im insecure thats ok.

Took me 15 years to have my first wobble so I'll take that. 😁 I'm clearly fortunate enough we can speak to each other openly despite my wtf moment today.

I Still don't think it was ok to say she was unattractive because shes bigger but atleast he stil loves me I guess.

Swings and roundabouts!

OP posts:
Muchasgracias · 29/07/2021 21:02

I’m not sure if this will make sense but, my DH has a bald patch on top of his head. I MIGHT say if pushed that I don’t find bald men that attractive. Purely because I have a particular version of a bald man in my head. I expect DH might feel a bit gutted if he heard me say that but in actual fact I can say with all honesty, his bald patch has no bearing on how attractive I find him (very!). But if he egged me into saying it and I did so in a clumsy manner then I can see how your DH walked into this situation.

Basically, I think based on how this incident came about, you need to get over it quick. Then perhaps separately think about your own reaction and how being plus really makes you feel, as there may be more emotion attached to that, running a bit deeper that you could do with unpacking and resolving.

Pebbledashery · 29/07/2021 21:04

To be fair. You started it.. What did you expect..
Overreaction. Massively.

something2say · 29/07/2021 21:05

Dont ruin your relationship over this...

But me I'd quietly have a word with myself. We dont have to stay attractive. But we cant have it both ways...

ObviousNameChage · 29/07/2021 21:05

@GoAheadTrollMe

We also discuss men.

And we discuss people from my work too, descriptions are descriptions. Be it race/sex/looks/hair colour/weight.

The only worry here is his description was rude. Not the fact she was female lol

You didn't ask for a description though. You asked if she was "smoking hot". That's very prescriptive.

All the other examples you are giving are completely different and in different context.

Original poster
GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 21:05

@Aquamarine1029 Maybe so tbh.

We are very open I can't understand why hes never said if so but I've had 2 kids in 2 years and covid happened so yeah maybe we need a different conversation sometime about myself. If it's an issue I'm happy to work on it, today just threw me i think.

OP posts:
WildSwimming101 · 29/07/2021 21:05

@GoAheadTrollMe

We also discuss men.

And we discuss people from my work too, descriptions are descriptions. Be it race/sex/looks/hair colour/weight.

The only worry here is his description was rude. Not the fact she was female lol

@GoAheadTrollMe Was it rude? Really?

She's fat. He doesn't think it's attractive. (a lot of people don't, including myself) That's OK. Nothing wrong with finding fat people unattractive.

He finds you attractive. So get over it and move on.

Pebbledashery · 29/07/2021 21:07

You just need to calm down to be honest. Either way your partner was wrong. He couldn't win. Chill your boots and move on. Not worth getting livid about.

clickychicky · 29/07/2021 21:07

@GoAheadTrollMe

We also discuss men.

And we discuss people from my work too, descriptions are descriptions. Be it race/sex/looks/hair colour/weight.

The only worry here is his description was rude. Not the fact she was female lol

Asking if someone is smoking hot is not a description it's a judgement.
Moonwatcher1234 · 29/07/2021 21:08

But you’re also indulging in this misogynistic nonsense by asking him to consider the interviewers attractiveness. What on earth does that have to do with an interview? And you didn’t like what you heard so I’m afraid my sympathy is limited. Women are also guilty of reducing each other to objects of the male gaze.

Original poster
GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 21:09

I am over it we are ok now we was basically back to normal by the time i wrote the thread buttt, i clicked post anyway!

Happy I did but i feel it escalated pretty fast!

Nothing like AIBU to point out 100 flaws you didnt know you had whilst telling you its your fault and you should support women more - ironically whilst trying to tear down a fellow woman 😂

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/07/2021 21:11

Supporting women doesn’t mean agreeing with them all the time.

And you can’t complain about supporting women when you are discussing them like you have.

And why is he discussing the interview at all? Very unprofessional unless it’s your business.

YouPrettyThings · 29/07/2021 21:11

YABU

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 21:17

Nothing like AIBU to point out 100 flaws you didnt know you had whilst telling you its your fault and you should support women more - ironically whilst trying to tear down a fellow woman

Nah, no one should support someone just because they are female. If they behave badly to other women then it’s right to call it out. We have all worked too hard for this crap to continue about women in employment.

ScrollingLeaves · 29/07/2021 21:18

He said,
“You're just perfect to me I dont look at you and see your body I look at you and see you for you, I love you’”

I think he truly means this, and you are lucky to be married to someone who thinks this way about you.

As for how he mentally looks at other women who mean nothing to him, that would naturally be much more superficial.

So please don’t feel upset or let this get in the way of all your years together.🌻

girlmom21 · 29/07/2021 21:19

@Bluntness100 you've made your point repeatedly. You can back off now.

Cattailkitty · 29/07/2021 21:19

*And why is he discussing the interview at all? Very unprofessional unless it’s your business."

Absolutely this!!

FallingStar21 · 29/07/2021 21:22

He didnt say she wasn't pretty or attractive. He said she wasnt "smoking hot". Important distinction imo. Let's face it, Plus size women will rarely be found "smoking hot" in our society.

Harriedharriet · 29/07/2021 21:24

He said a beautiful thing - I see You. I love YOU. Take that. Rest easy.

And stop rating people by their looks.

Original poster
GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 21:28

@scrollingleaves and everyone else who has been absolutely lovely

Sorry it's so easy to reply to negatives I dont mean to ignore everyone who's being supportive, I posted for advice and I'm getting carried away trying to defend myself over silly parts.

Thanks to all who has defended him & our relationship and you are correct. Clumsily said maybe but his words were properly meant when it came to me and that does really mean something.

I will maybe bring a different conversation up about my particular weight a different time but im sure he wont say anything negative because it's not normally his style.

I feel loved by him always have done, it was this comment about another woman that got me. He's called lots of people pretty before I've never taken offense so yes maybe it is a me vs fat issue! Who knew?

I'm ok with my size I've never really given a shit I'm up im down i dress and do my own thing regardless.

But maybe it does go a little deeper! Time will tell.

Thanks guys I'm off to bed but feel free to carry on (bluntless no doubt, relentless as always)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 21:31

[quote girlmom21]@Bluntness100 you've made your point repeatedly. You can back off now. [/quote]
I think you’ll find it’s not your place to police other posters.

Winterflower84 · 29/07/2021 21:33

Why would you even ask such a question! It only betrays your insecurity.

DGFB · 29/07/2021 21:36

Yabu, why did you ask?? He loves you, it’s plain to see. Though I find it bizarre when people who have clearly put on lots of weight while with their partner get cross at the mere thought they may not be as attracted to them…

CrouchEndTiger12 · 29/07/2021 21:38

Mans lucky I didn't chuck my drink over him.

Along with teasing him about fancying women he interviews.

You sound worse than him.

You've varied from a 10-20 so you weren't overweight when you met? He loves you but he didn't go for a plus size woman.

If he doubled in size would you still be attracted?