What do you make of this comment from OH

[GoAheadTrollMe]

Never ever have I ever posted on AIBU before but, fuck me I'm a bit upset and a bit fucked off so tell me this...

OH had some virtual interviews this afternoon, I said how did they go blah blah normal chit chat

He said he really rated 2/6 people one was a guy and one was a woman. He said he was more towards the woman as she was the only one who put her camera on for the interview but they both said similar things (all the right things for the company!)

I said I was shocked only 1 person put the camera on out of 6 as id assumed a dinstanced interview still would be better to see faces but it was really good as it would help discrimination etc

Ok that's the rather boring back story

I said, was she smoking hot (gently ribbing - yes we do this, no it wasn't a jealousy dig, he works with lots of attractive men & women)

He said 'nah she was a plus' and then looked absolutely fucking horrified, literally like he couldn't believe he said that to me (wrong crowd for sure!) I'm said.. you what? What did you just say?

He actually went fucking red meanwhile I'm going red with rage (I'm a 'plus' too! Size 18 & happy!)

He tries the whole no no you said it was a plus she showed her face (insert lame excuses here)

I said hes disgusting and does he look at me like I can't possibly be pretty as a 'plus'

He THEN SAYS

'No because I dont see you in that way'

Mans lucky I didn't chuck my drink over him.

See me in what way?

'You're just perfect to me I dont look at you and see your body I look at you and see you for you, I love you'

Weeding his way out, I'm actually shocked and raging internally.

Opinions?

Is my fella of 15 years an absolute jerk or am I just over reacting at a small comment right now?

Does he really speak about women this way at work or to his friends? Knowing I'm his partner and have met most of these people? Is that really acceptable?

I feel embarassed for him & kind of for myself if this is how he speaks about fatter folk. I may not be ideal in weight but he has never ever shown anything like this to me before. I've been a size 10 to a size 20 and hes never treated me any differently but now I'm just not quite sure what these actual feelings are.

Go ahead give me your opinions.

[cinammonbuns]

I have never heard someone use th e terminology ‘a plus’ ‘plus size’ yes but not ‘a plus’. I will be told I’m projecting but this makes it sound like he regularly uses this terminology and fd up by saying it in front of you. I think many would be surprised how men regularly discuss ridicule and lust after women. I’ve accidentally seen it in a male (ex) friends groupchat before.

It sounds like the language men on the Internet forums use when discussing women.


Sorry I do think he doesn’t find plus sized women attractive and it slipped out. I would not be comfortable with that because I don’t believe just because someone loves you they can’t start to lose attraction towards you.

And your husband is nice about women as long as he likes their accent . He does not sound like a catch.

[GoAheadTrollMe]

@crouchendtiger12
I was a size 14 when i met him, then we had a baby at 19 so quite young, I was a size 10 when our son was about 2. Started going back up in size about aged 23 when i changed job. But I've been up and down between all the sizes since, I'm an 18 now and have been for about a 18 months since we had our 3rd child.

If it wasn't for covid I would have probably continued going up and down, I dont really ever diet just I'm more active sometimes with work and less others maternity/covid.

It seems extreme but its really a matter of the same 3/4 stone. I've never not felt like I'm not attractive to him tbh. Until tonight. But maybe I'm overly emotional for some reason

[BeardyButton]

I am going to say yabu. Not because of what he said. I can see how that would be upsetting. But I’m sorry... this “was she smoking hot” thing is objectifying a woman. Is it ok to objectify a woman so long as you don’t talk about her weight? I thing that way of speaking about women is not great and on par with “nah she was a plus”.

[TheSkatesOfCoachBombay]

He loves you, he made a silly faux pax. His blushing is enough to know how embarrassed he was about it.

Next time don't ask him about other women's appearances.

In the words of Elsa...let it go.

[MrsJBaptiste]

@WildSwimming101

I don't find fat people attractive. Doesn't make me a monster. They just don't turn me on.

If OH got fat I wouldn't divorce him. I would encourage him to eat well and exercise.

Not everyone finds fat people attractive. Your OH doesn't. But he loves you and that's what matters.

Absolutely.

If my DH put on a couple of stones I'd still love him but would I have originally got together with someone who was chunky? TBH no I wouldn't and that goes both ways for a lot of couples I imagine.

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

I don’t find short men attractive and then I married a bloke who’s 5’8.

It’s not unreasonable to have opinions about people’s attractiveness but have different feelings based on actual knowledge of the person.

[ChittyChittyBangBangChicken]

You asked if she was smoking hot... Well, most men speaking honestly probably won't think that a plus-size woman is "smoking hot", if we're talking strictly physical appearance. (Attraction and love aren't based just on first impressions of someone's physical appearance, fortunately, and it's possible to love someone even if you don't think they're "smoking hot".)

I don't think you can judge him too harshly, since you did encourage him, even only jokingly, to judge another woman's appearance.

[TerribleZebra]

I've just changed jobs so have had lots of online interviews. If my DH had asked me how attractive I found any of the interviewers I would have thought he'd gone mad. What an utterly irrelevant question you asked him and then you complain you don't like the answer.

[girlmom21]

@Bluntness100 and I think you'll find it's not your place to bully them.

[LibrariesGiveUsPower45321]

6 of one half a dozen of the other here as my Gran would say.

You goaded him into digging himself into a hole.

[Biscoffbiscou]

It sounds like he totally finds you attractive and I would read the comment about ‘not seeing you that way’ as meaning he doesn’t reduce you down to bits of body or analyse you based on constituent parts, rather than meaning that he ‘sees beyond’ some aspect of you like he’s doing you a favour.

Not especially laudable on his part, but I suppose the ‘nah she’s plus’ comment is in the spirit of the ‘what would you rate her’ kind of chat - objectifying her on arbitrary physical characteristics. I doubt it really occurred to him that you might be considered ‘plus’ until he said it. But it does betray shitty attitudes about weight and size, ie that it’s fair game to downgrade someone’s value on that basis.

[CirqueDeMorgue]

I wouldn't initially be attracted to a fat guy but I wouldn't necessarily go off a partner if they gained weight.

[WorraLiberty]

(I'm a 'plus' too! Size 18 & happy!)

Judging by your overreaction to what your DP said, it doesn't sound as though you are particularly happy.

It's ok for you to ask if she was 'smoking hot' which is weird in itself, but he's not allowed to be honest and say he didn't think so because she's overweight?

If he'd answered 'yes, she was smoking hot' you no doubt would've been upset by that too.

Why not just keep other people's looks out of your conversations, especially when all these people are doing, is trying to get themselves a job

[JellyBabiesFan]

Stop asking him bloody awkward questions then.

[honeyytoast]

Saying ‘she’s a plus’ meaning she’s plus size doesn’t make any sense?? I would have interpreted that as “yeah she was quite attractive so was a plus side of the interview” and the “nah” was a slang-y way of saying yeah, if that makes sense. But obviously you know how he normally speaks and if that’s plausible

[Hankunamatata]

Give him break. He knew he messed up by going red and making lame excuses. Perhaps she was a larger lady whom he didn't find attractive

[Cuddlyrottweiler]

You totally set him up for failure. Don't ask someone to judge a woman's appearance if you don't want them to judge a woman's appearance

[FrippEnos]

@Cuddlyrottweiler

You totally set him up for failure. Don't ask someone to judge a woman's appearance if you don't want them to judge a woman's appearance

this ^

[BridgetGetTheGin]

@Lauren94laffertyx

Hi guys sorry could someone help me please? Are first response tests known for evap lines? Or is this a faint positive?x

Yes pregnant! Congrats!?

[MarianneUnfaithful]

I've been a size 10 to a size 20 and hes never treated me any differently

There’s your answer. He loves and fancies you whatever your size. That is how love is.

But you asked him about a woman’s looks in terms of a stereotype. The point of a ‘smoking hot’ stereotype is not ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ but a generally fairly sexist construct. And no, sadly, precisely it partly because is a sexist construct, the ‘smoking hot’ stereotype is generally focussed on slim women.


I am not wrecking feminism by asking if she's hot. It wasnt a legit ask it was a fucking joke. Normally it would follow a yeah she's ok, brunette 5,8 type deal

You’re not helping yourself here. Why is it OK to even discuss people as ‘an OK brunette 5,8 deal’?

[overnightangel]

The whole thing makes it sound like the main thing lies with the fact you’re not happy being a size 18 despite your protestations

[overnightangel]

Ultimately you have to be happy with your own body not rely on his verification

[JetBlackSteed]

On the other side of interviewing, and not looking at Ops reaction, the fact that the female candidate turned her camera on and received the reaction she got, why were the male candidates also not required to?
What at if a man was plus size?
What if one male interviewee has a full face tattoo?

So what I'm trying to say is that there was no equality in the interviewing process here.

[DazedConfusedAndHungry]

He doesn't sound very professional at all, I'm assuming because he's doing the interviewing he'd be in a position of power of them? He shouldn't be discussing how fuckable he finds the women he's interviewing and it's weird to ask how hot he's found them or how sexually attractive you'd find the men he interviewed cos he knows your type too all sounds a bit weird. How disrespectful.

Asking what someone looks like is totally different to discussing how much he fancies someone he's employing.

[GreyEyedWitch]

He loves you for you.

He can't help it if he generally doesn't find plus size people attractive! I don't find plus size people attractive either.