Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you make of this comment from OH

134 replies

GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 19:57

Never ever have I ever posted on AIBU before but, fuck me I'm a bit upset and a bit fucked off so tell me this...

OH had some virtual interviews this afternoon, I said how did they go blah blah normal chit chat

He said he really rated 2/6 people one was a guy and one was a woman. He said he was more towards the woman as she was the only one who put her camera on for the interview but they both said similar things (all the right things for the company!)

I said I was shocked only 1 person put the camera on out of 6 as id assumed a dinstanced interview still would be better to see faces but it was really good as it would help discrimination etc

Ok that's the rather boring back story

I said, was she smoking hot (gently ribbing - yes we do this, no it wasn't a jealousy dig, he works with lots of attractive men & women)

He said 'nah she was a plus' and then looked absolutely fucking horrified, literally like he couldn't believe he said that to me (wrong crowd for sure!) I'm said.. you what? What did you just say?

He actually went fucking red meanwhile I'm going red with rage (I'm a 'plus' too! Size 18 & happy!)

He tries the whole no no you said it was a plus she showed her face (insert lame excuses here)

I said hes disgusting and does he look at me like I can't possibly be pretty as a 'plus'

He THEN SAYS

'No because I dont see you in that way'

Mans lucky I didn't chuck my drink over him.

See me in what way?

'You're just perfect to me I dont look at you and see your body I look at you and see you for you, I love you'

Weeding his way out, I'm actually shocked and raging internally.

Opinions?

Is my fella of 15 years an absolute jerk or am I just over reacting at a small comment right now?

Does he really speak about women this way at work or to his friends? Knowing I'm his partner and have met most of these people? Is that really acceptable?

I feel embarassed for him & kind of for myself if this is how he speaks about fatter folk. I may not be ideal in weight but he has never ever shown anything like this to me before. I've been a size 10 to a size 20 and hes never treated me any differently but now I'm just not quite sure what these actual feelings are.

Go ahead give me your opinions.

OP posts:
RicherThanYew · 29/07/2021 20:43

At no point in my post did I say that the op had covered herself in glory by asking her husband to judge a woman like a prize piece of cattle Hmm but have fun failing to comprehend me.

clickychicky · 29/07/2021 20:43

I describe my colleagues by their annoying/lovely traits if that helps give you ideas for future descriptions.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 20:44

I think it’s fine to ask him if he finds someone attractive if that’s your bag. I just don’t think it’s fine when he’s interviewing people and says the preferred candidate is female for you to then ask basically if it’s only because she’s attractive

I’m really not sure how you can’t see that. Women fought for equality in the workplace long and hard and are still fighting for it. So this shit, even when hidden, isn’t ok,

Vallmo47 · 29/07/2021 20:44

I get it, OP. I have similar light hearted banter with my husband of many years. It’s not a big deal- we’d never say anything awful about someone and it doesn’t sound like you or your husband does either. For me, he made the rod for his back when he insisted he loves you for you etc etc. While that’s obviously true, he should have just left it. But also when you do have chats like this, you do have to accept whatever is being said in my opinion… there’s no right answer is there? Just accept it and move on.
And for posters saying ‘if you’ve changed in size he might not be attractive to you’ …. Seriously? We all change over time, women more so than others. What a crappy thing to say.

clickychicky · 29/07/2021 20:44

Or even better, their achievements/major mess ups

KrisAkabusi · 29/07/2021 20:44

@GoAheadTrollMe

Just to add hes never once turned around and said

Oh yeah she's ugly
She's unattractive
She's fat

He ALWAYS finds a positive regardless that's what I'm saying- he never normally comes out with this type of wording.

I think alot of You are right it was clumsy & it wasn't directed at me per say. Just it shouldn't of been directed at anyyonee

You asked if she was hot. For hot women to exist, by definition, ugly women must too, or you wouldn't be able to compare them. This time he phrased it badly, but again, you started it. You too are judging women on their looks.
ObviousNameChage · 29/07/2021 20:45

@Vallmo47

I get it, OP. I have similar light hearted banter with my husband of many years. It’s not a big deal- we’d never say anything awful about someone and it doesn’t sound like you or your husband does either. For me, he made the rod for his back when he insisted he loves you for you etc etc. While that’s obviously true, he should have just left it. But also when you do have chats like this, you do have to accept whatever is being said in my opinion… there’s no right answer is there? Just accept it and move on. And for posters saying ‘if you’ve changed in size he might not be attractive to you’ …. Seriously? We all change over time, women more so than others. What a crappy thing to say.
By OP's own admission she went red with rage. I doubt him dropping it would've helped.
Original poster
GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 20:46

@5128gap we didn't only speak about her looks, I've only mentioned the bits that mattered to me at the time to be fair.

There was a discussion over both his favourite people and and one more who seemed to fit ok.

We didn't discuss anything mega but a quick run through of all the qualifications the general communication and the fact 5 men left the cameras off & 1 woman left hers on. If it was a man then yes id of said 'was he super hot then?'

The asking over someones cuteness isn't an issue to me it's the ' No shes a plus ' comment and His awkwardness directly after.

If it was a man he would of said either 'you'd of liked him' (cos we all got a type yeah?) And we all know this in our partners.

Or he would of said 'well hes an older man, hes got a big beard' ect ect

It was literally his ridiculous instant comment of NO shes a plus

It threw me and it is what it is.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 20:46

It's bad enough men feel entitled to pass judgment on women's appearance without other women egging them on

Exactly. And implying thr only reason she would possibly be the lead candidate is because she’s attractive. It’s bad enough when men pull that shit, but a woman doing it? Nah, not ok.

TheMirrorAndTheLight · 29/07/2021 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Nicknacky · 29/07/2021 20:47

I’m really hoping the next time in in an interview that the interviewer is not discussing in detail either my interview or my looks with his wife. How unprofessional.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 20:48

[quote GoAheadTrollMe]@5128gap we didn't only speak about her looks, I've only mentioned the bits that mattered to me at the time to be fair.

There was a discussion over both his favourite people and and one more who seemed to fit ok.

We didn't discuss anything mega but a quick run through of all the qualifications the general communication and the fact 5 men left the cameras off & 1 woman left hers on. If it was a man then yes id of said 'was he super hot then?'

The asking over someones cuteness isn't an issue to me it's the ' No shes a plus ' comment and His awkwardness directly after.

If it was a man he would of said either 'you'd of liked him' (cos we all got a type yeah?) And we all know this in our partners.

Or he would of said 'well hes an older man, hes got a big beard' ect ect

It was literally his ridiculous instant comment of NO shes a plus

It threw me and it is what it is.[/quote]
Why do you both sit and discuss people like this? Look if you’re both judgemental on people’s appearance, particularly women’s, then you’re going to have to accept he’s going to be judgemental over yours.

Confused
WildSwimming101 · 29/07/2021 20:48

I don't find fat people attractive. Doesn't make me a monster. They just don't turn me on.

If OH got fat I wouldn't divorce him. I would encourage him to eat well and exercise.

Not everyone finds fat people attractive. Your OH doesn't. But he loves you and that's what matters.

pilates · 29/07/2021 20:51

Are you sure you’re not a teeny bit insecure; asking your husband if another woman is smoking hot 🤨

thedancingbear · 29/07/2021 20:51

YABU. I imagine there was no satisfactory answer he could possibly have given

cricketmum84 · 29/07/2021 20:54

I actually think YABU.

You brought up the subject of whether he found her attractive or not. You would have been fucked off if he had said yes and you are fucked off because he said no.

He then said he loves you for you and doesn't see your size. Your size is your issue not his. He loves you no matter what size you are.

He was damned whatever he said really!!

And I say this as a woman who has yo-yo'd from a 14 to a 26 and back to a 12 and my DH has still loved me throughout. I wouldn't have asked him about his level of attraction to any other woman though (even though I perve over David beckham constantly)

phishy · 29/07/2021 20:54

I said, was she smoking hot (gently ribbing - yes we do this, no it wasn't a jealousy dig, he works with lots of attractive men & women)]]

You should be raging at yourself. How crass to ask about a potential female colleague's looks and reduce her to her 'hotness'.

You're both as bad as each other, you a bit worse as you are a hypocrite too.

Original poster
GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 20:55

I'm sorry to all the females here, I'm not at all focused on how woman look and nothing else about them!

Please try bare in mind this is a snapshot of my entire life- dont let me bring you down with this thread that we are doomed because of people like me. I assure you we are not.

I am not wrecking feminism by asking if she's hot. It wasnt a legit ask it was a fucking joke.

Normally it would follow a yeah she's ok, brunette 5,8 type deal

OP posts:
Debetswell · 29/07/2021 20:56

It's rather strange that you thought it appropriate to ask about prospective employees bodies in relation to a job interview.
I think you probably got the response you deserved.

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/07/2021 20:56

If it wasn't a colleague but anyone else would it be ok still?

It's not great in any context, but it was a clumsy way of answering your direct question about the woman's appearance. On your part, it would have been more appropriate to ask about how she'd fit the role, or what the role was. But you didn't either.

As to this specific question, if he said it out of the blue, unprompted I'd not be happy. But again, if you'd raised the smokin' hot question first and caught him off guard, I'd go the clumsy route again.

And when he says he loves you whatever your size he means it. He's not 'wheedling his way out of it'. That says you don't think he meant it. You say you trust him, so trust him when he says that.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 20:57

I also think this is insecurity op and you’re not as happy as you make out. I would not dream of asking my husband this, I’ve never asked him what a female colleague looks like, because I am not insecure. We don’t discuss our colleagues appearances.

I am about to change role in my company, I was interviewed for the new role. If my new bosses wife, on being told the lead candidate was female had asked basically if it was because I was hot, I’d be repulsed, and then feel pity for her, as I’d assume she was deeply insecure.

However you habe your answer, physically over weight is not what he finds sexually attractive, so he that’s not why he’s giving her the job. You can rest easy on that,

Original poster
GoAheadTrollMe · 29/07/2021 20:59

We also discuss men.

And we discuss people from my work too, descriptions are descriptions. Be it race/sex/looks/hair colour/weight.

The only worry here is his description was rude. Not the fact she was female lol

OP posts:
clickychicky · 29/07/2021 20:59

Would you have made the same joke if they were a man?

If you worked with your husband in the same office as a colleague and made the same joke you would be called in to HR.

Nicknacky · 29/07/2021 20:59

Just own why you asked. What would you have said if he replied “holy crap, she is the best looking woman I’ve ever seen”?

I think you were looking for some kind of strange ego boost where he says no one can compare to you, or something.

And why is he discussing the interview in detail with you anyway? Is it your family business?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 21:00

The asking over someones cuteness isn't an issue to me it's the ' No shes a plus ' comment and His awkwardness directly after.

I think you're upset because you have just discovered that your partner does have an issue with your weight. He can love you very much and still not be thrilled with your size, and I would feel the same about my husband if he gained a lot of weight. He unintentionally let the cat out of bag so of course there was awkwardness.

These things tend to happen when the conversation starts off poorly to begin with.