What do you make of this comment from OH

[GoAheadTrollMe]

Never ever have I ever posted on AIBU before but, fuck me I'm a bit upset and a bit fucked off so tell me this...

OH had some virtual interviews this afternoon, I said how did they go blah blah normal chit chat

He said he really rated 2/6 people one was a guy and one was a woman. He said he was more towards the woman as she was the only one who put her camera on for the interview but they both said similar things (all the right things for the company!)

I said I was shocked only 1 person put the camera on out of 6 as id assumed a dinstanced interview still would be better to see faces but it was really good as it would help discrimination etc

Ok that's the rather boring back story

I said, was she smoking hot (gently ribbing - yes we do this, no it wasn't a jealousy dig, he works with lots of attractive men & women)

He said 'nah she was a plus' and then looked absolutely fucking horrified, literally like he couldn't believe he said that to me (wrong crowd for sure!) I'm said.. you what? What did you just say?

He actually went fucking red meanwhile I'm going red with rage (I'm a 'plus' too! Size 18 & happy!)

He tries the whole no no you said it was a plus she showed her face (insert lame excuses here)

I said hes disgusting and does he look at me like I can't possibly be pretty as a 'plus'

He THEN SAYS

'No because I dont see you in that way'

Mans lucky I didn't chuck my drink over him.

See me in what way?

'You're just perfect to me I dont look at you and see your body I look at you and see you for you, I love you'

Weeding his way out, I'm actually shocked and raging internally.

Opinions?

Is my fella of 15 years an absolute jerk or am I just over reacting at a small comment right now?

Does he really speak about women this way at work or to his friends? Knowing I'm his partner and have met most of these people? Is that really acceptable?

I feel embarassed for him & kind of for myself if this is how he speaks about fatter folk. I may not be ideal in weight but he has never ever shown anything like this to me before. I've been a size 10 to a size 20 and hes never treated me any differently but now I'm just not quite sure what these actual feelings are.

Go ahead give me your opinions.

[Pinchoftums]

I'm fat and I don't fancy fat people!

[Bluntness100]

@CookPassBabtridge

My DP loved me and was sexually all over me still despite me being 20 stone for a while.
But that doesn't translate to other women.. (we have an open relationship) He just can't find bigger women attractive. He says he was attracted to me because he loves me and didn't see the weight.

To be fair though, if you’re the poster I think you are, who posted an image of herself asking what weight to show a pic can be deceiving, , you’re not only really pretty but you don’t carry weight on your face, you’ve a very slim face, most folks when they gain weight their faces change.

My face if I gain weight, for example, gets fatter. If I was twenty stone My face would also be much fatter, and my chin doubling up, you wouldn’t be able to look at me and not see it.

So if you are that poster it would be very easy not to see th weight, becayse your face doesn’t show it.

I think you’re maybe quite unusual in that regard, because most peoples faces change a lot with weight gain, you only have to look at before ans after weight loss pics and facially people look incredibly different.

[Motnight]

You asked him to rate another woman's appearance and he did.

[CookPassBabtridge]

My DP loved me and was sexually all over me still despite me being 20 stone for a while.
But that doesn't translate to other women.. (we have an open relationship) He just can't find bigger women attractive. He says he was attracted to me because he loves me and didn't see the weight.

[notanothertakeaway]

@Nicknacky

I’m really hoping the next time in in an interview that the interviewer is not discussing in detail either my interview or my looks with his wife. How unprofessional.

Totally agree

[Meraas]

This thread reads like it’s from someone who thinking ‘FINALLY I have something to post on MN about, OMG, OMG.’

[Slothkin]

Ah, OP I can see how that sort of joke would arise in a situation where only one person had video on - I can easily imagine saying something like ‘was it her beauty or broadband that clinched it?’ and in a similarly silly reverse situation responding something like ‘nah he wasn’t my type but his typography was amazing’ (and then awaiting applause as the most funny person ever while my husband did one of his very big sighs). If, during one of these Absolutely Hilarious exchanges my husband unthinkingly mentioned something like weight I’d be very upset too (because I’m not an idiot, I’m aware I’d be more conventionally attractive thinner). But he clearly loves you to bits and we could all magic up a perfect partner who would never get fat, or old, or bald, or ill, or weirdly obsessed with theatrical taxidermy - or say the 100% wrong thing sometimes.

[lazylinguist]

It was a very undiplomatic thing to say - I'm not surprised he tried to back-track. But let's be honest - everybody knows that being slim is more attractive to most people. Lots of people e.g. on a dating site would swipe straight past overweight people. And I say that as someone who is overweight.

[BadLad]

[quote GoAheadTrollMe]@Karwomannghia thank you for that. I've never once felt before now that he anything but adores me despite my flaws. But I've never actually heard him say anything negative towards a woman tbh

I think thats what's shocked me the most, we are both edging 30 and I dont know i think its thrown me a bit.

He's never nothing but polite to all types of women unless its a voice/accent issue hes always pretty kind.

I'm just annoyed at the wording tbh maybe I'm finding offensive where there isn't any.[/quote]
What does "edging thirty" mean? About to turn thirty? In early thirties?

[GreyEyedWitch]

He loves you for you.

He can't help it if he generally doesn't find plus size people attractive! I don't find plus size people attractive either.

[DazedConfusedAndHungry]

He doesn't sound very professional at all, I'm assuming because he's doing the interviewing he'd be in a position of power of them? He shouldn't be discussing how fuckable he finds the women he's interviewing and it's weird to ask how hot he's found them or how sexually attractive you'd find the men he interviewed cos he knows your type too all sounds a bit weird. How disrespectful.

Asking what someone looks like is totally different to discussing how much he fancies someone he's employing.

[JetBlackSteed]

On the other side of interviewing, and not looking at Ops reaction, the fact that the female candidate turned her camera on and received the reaction she got, why were the male candidates also not required to?
What at if a man was plus size?
What if one male interviewee has a full face tattoo?

So what I'm trying to say is that there was no equality in the interviewing process here.

[overnightangel]

Ultimately you have to be happy with your own body not rely on his verification

[overnightangel]

The whole thing makes it sound like the main thing lies with the fact you’re not happy being a size 18 despite your protestations

[MarianneUnfaithful]

I've been a size 10 to a size 20 and hes never treated me any differently

There’s your answer. He loves and fancies you whatever your size. That is how love is.

But you asked him about a woman’s looks in terms of a stereotype. The point of a ‘smoking hot’ stereotype is not ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ but a generally fairly sexist construct. And no, sadly, precisely it partly because is a sexist construct, the ‘smoking hot’ stereotype is generally focussed on slim women.


I am not wrecking feminism by asking if she's hot. It wasnt a legit ask it was a fucking joke. Normally it would follow a yeah she's ok, brunette 5,8 type deal

You’re not helping yourself here. Why is it OK to even discuss people as ‘an OK brunette 5,8 deal’?

[BridgetGetTheGin]

@Lauren94laffertyx

Hi guys sorry could someone help me please? Are first response tests known for evap lines? Or is this a faint positive?x

Yes pregnant! Congrats!?

[FrippEnos]

@Cuddlyrottweiler

You totally set him up for failure. Don't ask someone to judge a woman's appearance if you don't want them to judge a woman's appearance

this ^

[Cuddlyrottweiler]

You totally set him up for failure. Don't ask someone to judge a woman's appearance if you don't want them to judge a woman's appearance

[Hankunamatata]

Give him break. He knew he messed up by going red and making lame excuses. Perhaps she was a larger lady whom he didn't find attractive

[honeyytoast]

Saying ‘she’s a plus’ meaning she’s plus size doesn’t make any sense?? I would have interpreted that as “yeah she was quite attractive so was a plus side of the interview” and the “nah” was a slang-y way of saying yeah, if that makes sense. But obviously you know how he normally speaks and if that’s plausible

[JellyBabiesFan]

Stop asking him bloody awkward questions then.

[WorraLiberty]

(I'm a 'plus' too! Size 18 & happy!)

Judging by your overreaction to what your DP said, it doesn't sound as though you are particularly happy.

It's ok for you to ask if she was 'smoking hot' which is weird in itself, but he's not allowed to be honest and say he didn't think so because she's overweight?

If he'd answered 'yes, she was smoking hot' you no doubt would've been upset by that too.

Why not just keep other people's looks out of your conversations, especially when all these people are doing, is trying to get themselves a job

[CirqueDeMorgue]

I wouldn't initially be attracted to a fat guy but I wouldn't necessarily go off a partner if they gained weight.

[Biscoffbiscou]

It sounds like he totally finds you attractive and I would read the comment about ‘not seeing you that way’ as meaning he doesn’t reduce you down to bits of body or analyse you based on constituent parts, rather than meaning that he ‘sees beyond’ some aspect of you like he’s doing you a favour.

Not especially laudable on his part, but I suppose the ‘nah she’s plus’ comment is in the spirit of the ‘what would you rate her’ kind of chat - objectifying her on arbitrary physical characteristics. I doubt it really occurred to him that you might be considered ‘plus’ until he said it. But it does betray shitty attitudes about weight and size, ie that it’s fair game to downgrade someone’s value on that basis.

[LibrariesGiveUsPower45321]

6 of one half a dozen of the other here as my Gran would say.

You goaded him into digging himself into a hole.