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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws! Help

101 replies

cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 18:57

Hi everyone so I'm after some advice regarding my inlaws... Particularly mother in law! We've been married for 15 years now and have 3 kids (14, 10 and 9). They live 45 mins away. From the minute we had kids my mother in law has always been quite over bearing, her rules are best etc and they had to come over weekly, often unannounced. We have got it down to every other week now but she is still very needy towards my husband, calls twice a week, wants to know everything we're doing or have been doing etc.
She often isn't very respectful of little rules I have like no shoes in house, no sweets before dinner etc...
Anyway the current dilemma is that we saw then last Sunday for a meal, there were a couple of undermining things she did towards our parenting which riled me but I won't go into that.
So we saw them last Sunday, we go away this Sunday, she is insisting they come over to say bye to us before we go away. My hubby obvs said we are only away for 4 days and you are seeing us the following Saturday to which she has said at our age you don't know what's around the corner -(early 70's). Hubby and I had a row as he feels the same as me it's necessary but he's trying to keep everyone happy. He explained to them today that we will be busy so we will see you next week, his mum is now upset!

My hubby has a sister an hour and a had away and a brother in the States and she doesn't do this to them just us and I think it's because she's in the habit of having to see the kids but it's really riling me!
Honeslty am I in the wrong here? She will sulk now and my hubby will end up giving in.
Any advice appreciated

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 29/07/2021 19:01

So he doesn’t care that you’re upset.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 19:01

Why don't you send your milquetoast husband off with the kids to say goodbye, Confused, at your in-laws house? You get to avoid them and he can continue on not standing up to mummy.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 19:08

He does care he's just really frustrated as he's obviously getting it form his dad too that his mum is upset but as I said that's not fair, she sees them every other week which is more than most inlaws have!
I think because my hubby is not that I to them coming over either he said I'm not driving 45 minutes so they can say byez it's just ridiculous and i think he knows it is but is obviously stuck between a rock and a hard place 😭

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 19:14

He is not "stuck between a rock and a hard place", he is choosing to sit their on his arse. He is fully capable of saying "no, that doesn't work for us", but he won't. How decidedly unattractive.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 19:15

*sit there

fourandnomore · 29/07/2021 19:18

Let her sulk it’s never going to change if you don’t. Ideal time to let the plan stay as is and enjoy your break, it’s less than 2 weeks between meet ups, this would drive me insane! Totally manipulative.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 19:31

Yeah I honestly do wish he'd get a bit more cross about it tbh, think she gets her own way cos he stays too calm.
Yep 13 days between visits it's hardly alot is it!
She gets bored too so sees coming to us as an outing and will walk around the house seeing what's new etc, have a nosey!!

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 29/07/2021 19:31

If it’s been going on this long, you’ve tried other stuff, and it is truly impacting on your life, I would be inclined to start just being rudely honest when she came round. It’s not a preferred route, if you can brush it off, find a way to support your DH in saying “no”, or just arrange to be out or on your way out leaving DH to deal with her whenever she arrives, that would be better. But it may be the only lever you really have that doesn’t involve leaving your DH.

So if she turns up say to her “Why are you here?” Tell her you think it’s ridiculous she’s turned on the water works just so she can inconvenience you all before you go away. When she says things like “Any thing can happen at our age” say “Anything can happen at any age, it doesn’t make the visit more reasonable.”

Don’t offer tea. Don’t cook. Don’t eat with her. If it works for you, get the ironing out/ put your favorite show on the TV, etc. Don’t make her welcome. If she challenges you tell her. “ You know we didn’t want you to come. It’s incredibly rude that you ignored us. I’m not pretending your behaviour is acceptable anymore.”.

clickychicky · 29/07/2021 19:34

Maybe she might benefit from counselling?

clickychicky · 29/07/2021 19:35

It sounds like she is having difficult feelings around aging.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 19:39

Thanks guys honeslty great advice, I feel likw I've done the ill go out thing but I actually don't want to feel like I've got to leave my home when she comes over, the last time she came she made an excuse to go upstairs just to see if we'd done any changes in the house!! I don't feel liwk we are being unreasonable it's not as if they haven't seen them for months.... Its been 4 days!! She says that because she didn't give her dad a cuddle before she went on holiday and he died when she was away she can't let us goawaybworhiur seeing us now.... Honestly I said to my husband she doesn't go to London every time his sister goes away?!

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 29/07/2021 19:41

Just tell your DH it's up to him if he wants to go or not, you're not going.

If MIL pulls you up on it just say that you had no problem with DH taking the kids, you're not sure why he didn't.

Leave them to it. They need to communicate better.

lazylump72 · 29/07/2021 19:45

The only thing wrong her is she will sulk and husband will give in,,tie the man to a chair and dont let it ,Giving in is what she is banking on with sulking,You wouldnt reward your kids for bad behaviour would you so why reward mil? stick to your guns and boundaries OP,

CommanderBurnham · 29/07/2021 19:45

If my MIL turned up, I'd just carry on doing exactly as I'd planned and leave her and DH to it.

My MIL is nosy. I don't care, but I do call her out on it. 'Did we pass your inspection?' 'Let me know when you want to do your inspection'.

Passive aggressives are best called out.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 19:46

We've started meeting up every other week out somewhere now but I don't go every time which is fine for me and my hubby is fine with that, you can tell she's itching to come to the house though!!!

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 29/07/2021 19:46

” She says that because she didn't give her dad a cuddle before she went on holiday and he died when she was away she can't let us goawaybworhiur seeing us now.”

If she isn’t otherwise prone to melodrama and over investment in your lives I would say that does sound a bit like she could use some counseling. She doesn’t seem to realise that her focusing on the lack of a cuddle before she left is just a hook to hang her anger at losing him on and that if she had hugged him there’d be something else to fixate on.

But from other stuff you say it sounds like this is just her excuse for this particular way to interfere in your lives, so while it may help her with her grief, it’s unlikely to do much for you.

clickychicky · 29/07/2021 19:47

She says that because she didn't give her dad a cuddle before she went on holiday and he died when she was away she comes from a good place but I think counselling will help.

Eleoura · 29/07/2021 19:48

I can't believe you put up with fortnightly visits!!! So you will see her this weekend, have a short break, then have your next weekend also interrupted by them!!! Confused

She needs a f@cking hobby!!! YANBU at all! At least your DH sounds on your side, but I do hope he doesnt back down because she is being a child and sulking! What does your FIL think? I'd personally make the visits more like once a month!

Notaroadrunner · 29/07/2021 19:48

Tell her you are leaving at 1pm. Then leave at 10 am and tell Dh to text her to say you had to leave early to pick up something in the shops, so you'll see them in a couple of weeks. Fuck that, I wouldn't be hanging around to have them arrive, probably want a coffee and delay the start of your 4 day trip. From now on let Dh go to visit them alone or with the kids. You don't need to visit them. If they call unannounced let Dh entertain them or he can take them out for a coffee, while you go about your business.

NumberTheory · 29/07/2021 20:01

Another thing to consider is, if she does come over before you go, cancel your next visit to her after you get back. Just say test once you’re back “We only saw you last week and have catch up to do from the holiday, we’re going to give it a miss this weekend. See you on [whenever the meetup after is planned for]”.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 23:46

Thanks everyone honestly it feels good to know I'm not going mad (well I am with her lol but you know what I mean 😂).
I've not asked my hubby what the latest is cos I think I just needed to chill tonight and think about it tomorrow but arghhh I do feel I don't know how she's ever gonna stop tbh.
Wjme my first born was a baby she would just turn up unannounced and walk in the house, she told me to put things into perspective when I had a miscarriage, she has undermined parenting things and worst thing was when my eldest was 1 she took her to get her first haircut without mum permission!!!! *"2

OP posts:
Original poster
cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 23:53

Without my permission sorry meant to say x

OP posts:
LawnFever · 29/07/2021 23:54

I’d just carry on doing other things while she was there, say ‘oh I didn’t realise you were still coming, I need to do xyz because as you know we’re going away’ and just carry on.

Don’t panda to this, if she tries to cause a fuss or gets upset say ‘we did say now wasn’t a good time and we’d see you when we were back’ don’t apologise.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 23:54

I actually had to block her from my Instagram too as she would make jokes about my low cut tops and do impressions of poses she said I was doing etc

OP posts:
Stonerosie67 · 30/07/2021 00:17

She calls her son twice a week and that's needy???