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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws! Help

101 replies

cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 18:57

Hi everyone so I'm after some advice regarding my inlaws... Particularly mother in law! We've been married for 15 years now and have 3 kids (14, 10 and 9). They live 45 mins away. From the minute we had kids my mother in law has always been quite over bearing, her rules are best etc and they had to come over weekly, often unannounced. We have got it down to every other week now but she is still very needy towards my husband, calls twice a week, wants to know everything we're doing or have been doing etc.
She often isn't very respectful of little rules I have like no shoes in house, no sweets before dinner etc...
Anyway the current dilemma is that we saw then last Sunday for a meal, there were a couple of undermining things she did towards our parenting which riled me but I won't go into that.
So we saw them last Sunday, we go away this Sunday, she is insisting they come over to say bye to us before we go away. My hubby obvs said we are only away for 4 days and you are seeing us the following Saturday to which she has said at our age you don't know what's around the corner -(early 70's). Hubby and I had a row as he feels the same as me it's necessary but he's trying to keep everyone happy. He explained to them today that we will be busy so we will see you next week, his mum is now upset!

My hubby has a sister an hour and a had away and a brother in the States and she doesn't do this to them just us and I think it's because she's in the habit of having to see the kids but it's really riling me!
Honeslty am I in the wrong here? She will sulk now and my hubby will end up giving in.
Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

IamaBluebird · 05/08/2021 13:20

Some of the things you’ve written that your mil does are annoying and need to be resolved, shoes in house , visiting when you’re not expecting etc.
I really don’t think a visit once a fortnight is a lot though, especially to see the grandchildren.

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 05/08/2021 13:30

@kidsatuniemptynester

One day you will be a MiL, one day you will want to see your grandchildren, one day you will want to have a chat with your son about how is week has been. Give the woman a break.

That wasn't my issue you've obviously not read the whole thread. It's hee undermining and sulking

OP posts:

NowEvenBetter · 05/08/2021 13:43

kidsa is the woman who needs to give them a break, from stalking, hounding, entering their property, tantrumming, emotional manipulation, undermining and snooping through their private items.

smartiecake · 05/08/2021 14:10

@cakeydaisy i think you are a saint! I have boys and will be a MIL one day and maybe a grandmother too, but I hope I would never ever force myself onto my kids and their own families.
I think you need to start taking a step back on the weekend visiting too. Go out instead, see friends, other family, go to the cinema, beach, anything, but have your own independent lives and show your IL's that you need your own space.
They definitely need a hobby because you are their only interest it would appear!

PurpleMustang · 05/08/2021 15:41

You are an absolute Saint for doing weekly visits for so long and Christmases etc, moving to fortnightly visits must have felt like a huge relief. She is behaving like a toddler and it does seem that as you are the closest you are the ones they rely on. (Word of warning what is going to happen/be expected as they get older and start wanting help?) (Or if FIL was to pass first?) I think you and hubby probably need to have a bit of a chat and decide the 'family' boundaries so you are on the same page. Especially as she tries to chip away at one or goes between you two (like offering the lift, god she was like a child playing parents off, not get the right answer from one so run to the other!). Start biting back at comments about parenting. Say things like, no need to go and look, nothing has been bought or changed in 2 weeks. Will just make her look ridiculous for being so damn nosy. Do they really need a key? Surely not. I would be getting it back. If your not there they don't need to be and don't need a key. A neighbour can water plants etc. And the kids are getting older, expecting them to be home constantly for whenever she decides to drop in is ridiculous. They have lives, and so do you. It sounds like he is stuck in FOG fear, obligation and guilt. The Toxic Parents book is recommended. Is your family going to forever be ruled by her tantrums?

IamaBluebird · 05/08/2021 15:52

Two visits a month and two phone calls a week isn’t a lot though is it .

PurpleMustang · 05/08/2021 16:45

@IamaBluebird

Two visits a month and two phone calls a week isn’t a lot though is it .

Did you not read, it was weekly visits and it is not about the phone calls. Its the overstepping on the parenting, being a nosy busy body in their private space, its arriving unannounced, being insensitive about OPs Mother's passing, tantrums when she doesn't get her own way or silent treatment. Read it all and then comment.

kidsatuniemptynester · 05/08/2021 16:50

I did read the whole thread before commenting, I just think you are too quick to take offence when none is intended. I get that it is annoying occasionally. I don't have grandchildren, but would hate to spend my retirement wondering whether my daughter in law would be inconvenienced by my talking to and visiting my son, whether I was overstepping the mark when I make a comment, whether they will be rolling their eyes when they see me pull up on the drive. How would you like to feel like that? There are always two sides.

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/08/2021 18:35

@kidsatuniemptynester

As long as you don't assume that you have the right to turn up unannounced whenever you feel like it, to go through every room in the house to have a nosey, specifically go against the parents' wishes with their child and don't sulk about not getting your own way or not getting a particular Christmas present you'll be fine.

Though I do wonder if your username suggests that you WILL be one of those MILs.

IamaBluebird · 05/08/2021 18:47

I read the whole thread. The Op is seeing her Mil twice a month and that is not a lot of visits. The mil is no longer calling in once a week announced or unannounced.

StoneofDestiny · 05/08/2021 19:07

Progress OP 👏👏
Twice a month is a lot of visits - most people don't live in the same town as their in laws or family and cope perfectly well -then you get real excitement and celebration when you do meet up.

kidsatuniemptynester · 06/08/2021 13:15

Though I do wonder if your username suggests that you WILL be one of those MILs.

What a silly comment. I am also highly unlikely to be a grandmother but you just throw your childish comments about without thought. Just remember this thread when you want to visit your son in 25 years time. All I am saying is that there are two sides, and generally, sensible, polite and kind adults can sort it out.

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 06/08/2021 18:15

@kidsatuniemptynester

Though I do wonder if your username suggests that you WILL be one of those MILs.

I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with this. People just don't read before commenting sometimes x

OP posts:

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 06/08/2021 18:17

Oops my last post was meant for you lol in support that I agree with your comment thank you lol xx

OP posts:

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 06/08/2021 18:19

Hubby and I are taking the kids over tomorrow and having a cuppa before leaving, I'm already predicting she will say she will pop over through the week to see us before we go away the following Saturday to which we will have the same drama again!!!

OP posts:

PopcornMuncher · 06/08/2021 19:18

He's not trying to keep everyone happy. He's trying to keep MIL happy

Holly60 · 06/08/2021 21:00

I also have to agree with PP that two visits a month is not a lot, for grandparents to see their grandchildren.

I have read the whole thread, and I agree that there is some behaviour from your MIL that is very irritating and she has definitely overstepped.

However OP I don’t think you are being totally fair either. This is what I have understood - please correct me if I am wrong.

Your DHs mum would love to see her son and DGC once a week. Initially your DH was happy with this, but you have convinced him it’s too much and have cut those visits down to twice a month.
Your husbands mum and dad wanted to come over before you went away to say have a nice time to their son and grandchildren, and you felt this was too inconvenient and put a stop to it.
From what i understand, your DH was told he was not to take his mum out for Mother’s Day, because your mum has very sadly passed away. In your view, Mother’s Day is not all about your DHs mother, apparently (I believe your children are not so young that they couldn’t organise a treat for you, if DH had gone out for a small portion of the day).
Your MIL text you on holiday saying ‘hope you are having a nice time’ and no one replied to her.

As I say please correct me if I’m wrong.

Panickingpavlova · 06/08/2021 21:43

Kids empty nester,

If your relationship with dil is strong, and you have one then you will know.
If your relationship either your son is good and strong then you will know.

We need to have thick skins and be able to say... Am I in the way, am I disturbing you... Etc.

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 07/08/2021 00:02

@Holly60

I also have to agree with PP that two visits a month is not a lot, for grandparents to see their grandchildren.

I have read the whole thread, and I agree that there is some behaviour from your MIL that is very irritating and she has definitely overstepped.

However OP I don’t think you are being totally fair either. This is what I have understood - please correct me if I am wrong.

Your DHs mum would love to see her son and DGC once a week. Initially your DH was happy with this, but you have convinced him it’s too much and have cut those visits down to twice a month.
Your husbands mum and dad wanted to come over before you went away to say have a nice time to their son and grandchildren, and you felt this was too inconvenient and put a stop to it.
From what i understand, your DH was told he was not to take his mum out for Mother’s Day, because your mum has very sadly passed away. In your view, Mother’s Day is not all about your DHs mother, apparently (I believe your children are not so young that they couldn’t organise a treat for you, if DH had gone out for a small portion of the day).
Your MIL text you on holiday saying ‘hope you are having a nice time’ and no one replied to her.

As I say please correct me if I’m wrong.

Hiya thanks for the message, is ill answer honestly.

He was not happy he just accepted it to keep his mum happy as she tends to get upset when it's not going how she wants it
Hmmm ish although he did before me tbh as he said without my prompt we intl saw you 4 days ago and its a 45 minute trip

3.No, he wasn't told he couldn't take her out. We were all going out and I was teary that day having not long lost by mum and she was only concerned with having a good day. I later message saying sorry I've just got alot of sadness having lost mum to which she didn't really acknowledge. So I didn't say they couldn't go out, they all went out and I stayed home alone

Correct.

OP posts:

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 07/08/2021 00:07

If I'm honest the more I think about it the more I realise I've bit my tongue so much over the years and have run out of tongue to bite. I am not the sort to be rude it's not my nature however I've kept quiet on so many occasions. When I miscarried I was told to stop pining about what was a 6 week pregnancy and the think of the child I have etc. She doesn't think and I've accepted it for so long and it's only now that when I see the "but I want to do this" it is riling me

OP posts:

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 07/08/2021 00:09

When our first child was born by hubby phones my mum to tell her the news (they were in a room together) and she snatched the phone form my mum and she announced the news to everyone.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 07/08/2021 03:58

Ahh ok, I do see why the relationship is strained, if this is the case along with the other points you made earlier. I misunderstood the situation regarding Mother’s Day and I definitely think you are justified in being upset over her reaction. I am a MIL and had it been my DD or DS in the position of your DH in that scenario I would have insisted they spend the day with their grieving partner so I do understand your hurt.

I also think she was insensitive over your MC - it doesn’t matter how many weeks you carried your baby for, it is still the loss of a wanted baby and it should never be minimised.

Finally I can see you still carry hurt over her snatching the phone from your mum, and I am sorry for that.

I think in light of what you have said, you are justified in seeing them twice a month, and maintaining your boundaries to protect your own emotional health.

Tubs11 · 07/08/2021 05:29

I feel posters on here don't particularly like their MILs. I haven't read anything on here that suggests she's a bad person and feel YABU. It's clear you just don't like your MIL. Hell my ILs would come to the airport to see us off they love their GC that much, it's endearing that they are that loved by them. Can it be annoying? Yes, of course it can but I'd rather they grow up feeling extremely loved then have GPs who aren't remotely involved

Jaguar77 · 07/08/2021 05:59

Boundaries .

PopcornMuncher · 07/08/2021 08:31

I feel posters on here don't particularly like their MILs. I haven't read anything on here that suggests she's a bad person and feel YABU. It's clear you just don't like your MIL.

I presume you missed this

and worst thing was when my eldest was 1 she took her to get her first haircut without my permission!!!!

Maybe you also missed that she minimised OPs miscarriage and snoops around the house checking out what they have done

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