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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws! Help

101 replies

cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 18:57

Hi everyone so I'm after some advice regarding my inlaws... Particularly mother in law! We've been married for 15 years now and have 3 kids (14, 10 and 9). They live 45 mins away. From the minute we had kids my mother in law has always been quite over bearing, her rules are best etc and they had to come over weekly, often unannounced. We have got it down to every other week now but she is still very needy towards my husband, calls twice a week, wants to know everything we're doing or have been doing etc.
She often isn't very respectful of little rules I have like no shoes in house, no sweets before dinner etc...
Anyway the current dilemma is that we saw then last Sunday for a meal, there were a couple of undermining things she did towards our parenting which riled me but I won't go into that.
So we saw them last Sunday, we go away this Sunday, she is insisting they come over to say bye to us before we go away. My hubby obvs said we are only away for 4 days and you are seeing us the following Saturday to which she has said at our age you don't know what's around the corner -(early 70's). Hubby and I had a row as he feels the same as me it's necessary but he's trying to keep everyone happy. He explained to them today that we will be busy so we will see you next week, his mum is now upset!

My hubby has a sister an hour and a had away and a brother in the States and she doesn't do this to them just us and I think it's because she's in the habit of having to see the kids but it's really riling me!
Honeslty am I in the wrong here? She will sulk now and my hubby will end up giving in.
Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 31/07/2021 12:32

I've read all your posts @cakeydaisy including the ones after you posted this
So update is that they are now not speaking to my husband, he is quite honestly peed off as in reality they saw them 6 days ago and will see them again on on Saturday next week which will be less than 2 weeks. He is totally saying they are not thinking of what everyone wants just what they want
I would have just left them be. Don't rush to try and establish conversations with them. Leave them sulk.
If it were a toddler who threw a tantrum like that, you wouldn't reward the tandrum so don't do it with the inlaws.

Go ahead with your anniversary celebrations but I wouldn't be putting them up overnight, I'd be making sure they leave the same day that they arrive.

Start establishing consistent and easily implemented and followed boundaries.

Don't give in to them throwing tantrums!

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 12:51

@LookItsMeAgain

I've read all your posts *@cakeydaisy* including the ones after you posted this So update is that they are now not speaking to my husband, he is quite honestly peed off as in reality they saw them 6 days ago and will see them again on on Saturday next week which will be less than 2 weeks. He is totally saying they are not thinking of what everyone wants just what they want I would have just left them be. Don't rush to try and establish conversations with them. Leave them sulk. If it were a toddler who threw a tantrum like that, you wouldn't reward the tandrum so don't do it with the inlaws.

Go ahead with your anniversary celebrations but I wouldn't be putting them up overnight, I'd be making sure they leave the same day that they arrive.

Start establishing consistent and easily implemented and followed boundaries.

Don't give in to them throwing tantrums!

Thank you yes good point, don't pander to them... I thibk she's frustrated at thr lack of what she can see now of our lives too as DH sends pics which is obvs fab bit I used to post so much on Facebook and I deleted my account about a year ago for other reasons so she's obvs frustrated that she can't comment and like everying too but I was also starting to feel like I can't escape even on social media!!!

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Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 12:58

God I really should have checked my predictive text sorry 😂🙈⬆️⬆️

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Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 13:04

@billy1966

Honestly OP, you need to put your foot down.

She sounds like a spoiled brat.

Start looking at houses an hour further away and tell your husband that you are serious if he doesn't cop himself on and tell his mother to back off.

Tell him his mother is crossing a line and you will push back hard if she doesn't stop.

Honeslty I've said this to my hubby the best thing we could do was move further afield but we actually really like where we live 😭! I don't think they will ever move now tbh they are in their mid 70's too so probs not. Even when they go to see their daughter in law on the train every few months they will park by our house and walk to the station just so they can pop in on us too!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 31/07/2021 13:18

You don't actually have to move, just make it clear to him thatbyou are thinking about it as he can't seem to manage a situation where his mother isn't a complete PITA.

The visiting before the holiday is batshit and is actually a good thing as you can now use it as a perfect example of where things are going.

Tell him, you are not doing it and do not engage with his parents at all.

The truth is they are spoiling the beginning of your holiday with her demands and that is unforgivable.

You need to give your husband a good hard dose of a very pissed off wife.

Panickingpavlova · 31/07/2021 14:28

Agree Billy, it's the Mil he's scared of upsetting he needs to be mire scared of you.
Sad but true sometimes.

Also op another way to think about this goodbye business is that its enabling her with her anxiety so it's not fair to play into it.

He should say "your going to be fine your not having cuddles and we will see you the weekend after the weekend we get back and it will be fine".

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/07/2021 15:38

@cakeydaisy

How has it been since you came out of Lockdown has it reverted back to weekly?

No, she's learnt, I think. She still comes and shops in our Sainsbury's every week, it's a 7 minute bus ride away and they stock things she can't get in their Tesco's, but I don't even know, except the one time DH came home and said he'd seen her, and was she coming? He wasn't aware of her weekly shopping trip.

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 16:53

@billy1966

You don't actually have to move, just make it clear to him thatbyou are thinking about it as he can't seem to manage a situation where his mother isn't a complete PITA.

The visiting before the holiday is batshit and is actually a good thing as you can now use it as a perfect example of where things are going.

Tell him, you are not doing it and do not engage with his parents at all.

The truth is they are spoiling the beginning of your holiday with her demands and that is unforgivable.

You need to give your husband a good hard dose of a very pissed off wife.

Absolutely it's put an edge on it and it's totally selfish, we've been so busy today sorting everything and I know of she came and the kids weren't all here she'd be disappointed, why should we have to schedule a time for small tlak with her even if it is just 30 minutes. Anyway it's nearly 5 and they didn't come so dare I say we stood strong!

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ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 17:03

Honeslty am I in the wrong here?

No. MiL is ridiculously entitled & enmeshed. It's not her house, or her kids, to lay down the law about.

She will sulk now and my hubby will end up giving in.

So don't allow him to give in.
Make sure that your displeasure outweighs MiL's in terms of impact on DH. Advice here is always "you have a DH problem & he needs to ..." - BUT, as he agrees with you, but has (we hope temporarily) misplaced his backbone on this issue, just step up & lead the way. No need for a giant confrontation - just the classic "that doesn't work for us" & refuse to discuss further.

As to sulking - so what? Sulking only works if there someone around to sulk AT.
Explain to DH that as MiL is behaving like a toddler, he needs to ignore her like a tantrumming toddler, until she can grow up & start being more considerate of your home, your wishes, & your family life.

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 17:07

She says that because she didn't give her dad a cuddle before she went on holiday and he died when she was away she can't let us goawaybworhiur seeing us now.... Honestly I said to my husband she doesn't go to London every time his sister goes away?!

Oh she is milking it for sure.
"MiL, please stop imagining our imminent deaths, it's creepy & I don't want to hear it." should do it. & just keep intoning it on repeat if she doesn't immediately STFU.

Panickingpavlova · 31/07/2021 17:24

Op you could also mention you don't like this talk due to deceased parent, your finding it insulting and insensitive.

billy1966 · 31/07/2021 17:27

Well done for not entertaining it.

Put it out of your mind but I think you need to really start being a little less agreeable.

Tolerating someone the way you have her is not good for your stress levels and marriage

Ginqueen456 · 31/07/2021 17:41

My step grandparents were like this(in particular my step nan), they would visit once during the week and then again during the weekend. Bare in mind they lived an hour away from us and during the week visits would happen after my parents got home from work so they would be here till quite late. Over the years my step dad finally put up some boundaries and the visits changed to once a week, then once every 2 weeks. It then got to a point where it was once a month. My parents wouldn't tell them when we went on holiday or anything like that as they would expect to come with us and/or know every detail. Unfortunately the only thing that stopped my step nan being a witch was when my step grandad passed away and even know she still has her moments, so my step dad has barely any relationship with her now.

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 17:41

@ChargingBuck

Definitely milking it isn't she, it's like a spoilt little child. I do feel like I've put up with so many years of having her entitles to visits and being together. We have spent every Christmas with them since my mum died and the year before my mum died we spent it all families together and she didn't get the Pandora bracelet she wanted and didn't speak the whole day!!!!

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Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 18:00

@billy1966

Well done for not entertaining it.

Put it out of your mind but I think you need to really start being a little less agreeable.

Tolerating someone the way you have her is not good for your stress levels and marriage

You're right honestly the rows we've had over the years are always over his parents!! His mum in particular...my hubby understands more now more than he used to, at first he used to think it was my issue and why shouldn't they be able to come over unannounced and just wkaknin the back door! He now knows I don't like it but the problem is when he's mentioned that to his mum if she's done it she laughs it off as a ohhh cute me etc and he backs off and I'm left thinking no this is a bloody issue

OP posts:

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 18:02

Regarding the shoes issue she brings her slippers on Christmas day but all the other times just walks in regardless of how many times my dh tells her, she does take them off when he says but seriously should she need telling a hundred times!!!

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 18:27

@cakeydaisy

Yeah, you need to put her in special measures for this. Not because it's a huge issue in itself, or the hill you want to die on - but because it's so clearly 1 of 100 undealt-with annoyances, & one you can easily tackle.

Start addressing her non-compliance over Shoe Thing as if she's an idiotic small child. "Barbara! You silly girl, you've forgotten about THE SHOE RULE again haven't you!" & give excessive praise when she does it - "clever girl, you see you can do it when you try!"

It's not about the effing shoes - it's about your boiling point, & by turning this one thing into a game in your own head, you're both managing your own sanity, & giving MiL an un-ignorable dominance display. Which, given her intransigence over other stuff, is fine & dandy at this stage. It's high time she learned who owns your house.

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 18:47

It seems they have keys to your house.

Time to change the locks and not give them a spare and tell them not to visit the house whilst you are away. Let them find out the hard way you've changed the locks when they go behind your back.

Wafflethefuckinwonderdog · 31/07/2021 19:01

We have this with in-laws . Have to see them every weekend and it's a similar journey time . How did they cope in lockdown? When we were first together in-laws would pop round unannounced and just walk in. We soon learnt to lock the doors. If we don't see them every weekend or at least every other, weget barbed comments like, "yeah I had my hair done but you wouldn't know as we've not seen you."

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 22:39

@Wafflethefuckinwonderdog

Omg this is exactly us although we have put the every other week thing in place but I know she doesn't like it!!! The sly comments too we get that!!! Lockdown was bliss lol, honestly maybe they struggled I know his mum said she can't wait to start coming over every week and we blanked the comment so I think she knew!!

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Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 22:56

Interesting progression this afternoon though..the mil messaged saying have a lovely time and my dh relied a really nice message with serial and nothing not a reply I replied 'thank you 🥰 x' nothing no reply! I spoke to him about it and he said honestly if they are sulking he is past caring, he said they did this last mothers day when she was insensitive about not doing out as I find it hard having lost my mum and dh had word with her about being respectful of our space, he said obviously she has forgotten that it's not all about her!

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Original poster

cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 23:11

With details lol

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Milkmachine2 · 31/07/2021 23:19

Don't pander to her. She's a grown woman acting like a toddler! Let your do deal with his family himself

Original poster

cakeydaisy · 05/08/2021 13:03

Hi everyone thanks so much for the advice. We went away and had a lovely 4 days away, no visit prior to it. We did have a text saying let us know when you're there safe which my hubby replied to etc. I think he obviously sent them photos but then that's ok. I came down with a cold and had to have a covid test which was Negative, obvs my hubby told then as I had a message on holiday asking how I'm feeling today but my hubby and I are both on the thread and he didn't reply either which makes me think he wants a break too!

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kidsatuniemptynester · 05/08/2021 13:07

One day you will be a MiL, one day you will want to see your grandchildren, one day you will want to have a chat with your son about how is week has been. Give the woman a break.

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