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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws! Help

101 replies

cakeydaisy · 29/07/2021 18:57

Hi everyone so I'm after some advice regarding my inlaws... Particularly mother in law! We've been married for 15 years now and have 3 kids (14, 10 and 9). They live 45 mins away. From the minute we had kids my mother in law has always been quite over bearing, her rules are best etc and they had to come over weekly, often unannounced. We have got it down to every other week now but she is still very needy towards my husband, calls twice a week, wants to know everything we're doing or have been doing etc.
She often isn't very respectful of little rules I have like no shoes in house, no sweets before dinner etc...
Anyway the current dilemma is that we saw then last Sunday for a meal, there were a couple of undermining things she did towards our parenting which riled me but I won't go into that.
So we saw them last Sunday, we go away this Sunday, she is insisting they come over to say bye to us before we go away. My hubby obvs said we are only away for 4 days and you are seeing us the following Saturday to which she has said at our age you don't know what's around the corner -(early 70's). Hubby and I had a row as he feels the same as me it's necessary but he's trying to keep everyone happy. He explained to them today that we will be busy so we will see you next week, his mum is now upset!

My hubby has a sister an hour and a had away and a brother in the States and she doesn't do this to them just us and I think it's because she's in the habit of having to see the kids but it's really riling me!
Honeslty am I in the wrong here? She will sulk now and my hubby will end up giving in.
Any advice appreciated

OP posts:
Mydogsbetterthanyourdog · 30/07/2021 09:13

"she sees them every other week which is more than most inlaws have!"
But they're not her in-laws they're her grandchildren.
I'm not saying your wrong op but it this did stand out to me. I don't think grandparents seeing grandchild every fortnight is too much.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 30/07/2021 09:47

I didn't say once a fortnight is too much I said that's fine with me....
I was merely stating that more than most of my friends have with their inlaws. Its a good balance for them and my children

OP posts:
user1471505494 · 30/07/2021 09:53

What about your family. Do you only accept contact from your DM twice a week and are they restricted on their visiting. If you have Sons you are teaching them how you expect them to treat you if you become a grandparent

Noshowwithoutpunch · 30/07/2021 09:56

No, my children and I wouldn't be going and doing what she wants.
If DH is such a wet blanket he goes then let him crack on. ( I'd find him pandering to his mother completely unattractive).

Winterwoollies · 30/07/2021 10:02

My husband is the same sort of drip with his parents. It came down to me to have to tell them in the end, which was fairly horrendous but did work. Mostly. They used to turn up all the time and appear by the back windows.

My FIL despises me anyway so that makes it easier.

Your husband is being pathetic and he needs to put you before his irritating overbearing mother. Otherwise it will cost him one wife and 50% of his children.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/07/2021 10:07

The phone calls are fine (although depends what she talks about), many women talk to their parents that often, so not necessarily needy.

The demanding to see you before you go away (for 4 days!) and generally being overbearing and critical is not on.

How often do you see your family?

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 09:36

Sorry for the delay, for those asking my dad lives about 4 hours away and mum passed away 7 years ago 😓. Honestly my mil would insist on coming round and taking over with the kids when my mum was alive, she could only visit every 8 weeks.
So update is that they are now not speaking to my husband, he is quite honestly peed off as in reality they saw them 6 days ago and will see them again on on Saturday next week which will be less than 2 weeks. He is totally saying they are not thinking of what everyone wants just what they want

OP posts:
Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 09:43

This is probably the first time he's not given in and obviously she doesn't like it. I've said so many times I think your mum needs a hobby as her hobby is us and I get that she loves the kids of course I do, but the reason my boundries go up is because she is critical, quite judgemental and doesn't respect alot of my choices so I think she doesn't help herself.
Last weekend my youngest who is 10 was kicking off because he wanted granny and grandad to drive him home, granny said OK and I said to her very politely thank you but after that behaviour he needs to learn he can't get his own way. After 5 minutes she went over to my hubby who had been in the toilet and told him ill take you and ds home!! I was fuming but to be fair my hubby didn't know that conversation had happened and had he known he would have rejected the offer. So you see she takes over alot and of course this gets my back up.
When we are aon holiday a few years ago she let herself in to completely clean my house which I know some would love but I don't like that, it's my home.
When we go away the neighbours say she pops over to look round the garden, mow the lawn etc and I just feel like you don't need to drive 45 minutes to so this we are 41 year old adults

OP posts:
RadandMad · 31/07/2021 09:48

You definitely need to establish better boundaries with them. Good luck.

TubeOfSmarties · 31/07/2021 09:54

So familiar. MIL getting an idea in her head about how often, when and for how long she's visiting. Not listening to what works for us. Emotional blackmail, sulking. Guilt tripping you that they might drop dead in the 4 day window you are away is ridiculous. Not speaking to you / their son because you have said that it's not convenient for them to visit on a particular day is a massive overreaction, and a failure to respect and recognise boundaries. And they never learn if you end up always giving way to keep the peace. Let them sulk. Their loss.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 10:13

We definitely have not had clear enough boundries I don't think, particularly dh has been too polite in the past because he doesn't want to upset them which I understand, I do! They will never learn will they unless he follows this through, I'm sure it will all blow over without a big discussion but I really hope they don't play the "we help you with the kids" card because that may be every other month and they beg to have them!!! So if she plays that card I'll be fuming!

OP posts:
Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 10:16

Next weekend they are having them Saturday over night as we are away for our anniversary, they wanted them to stay over I must add!!
Anyway she said can we stay at yours instead as we quite fancy a break and a change of scenery! Dh explained we'd rather not as we won't have time to clean and make all good for them to which she said I'll wags the sheets, towels etc... It is a chance for her to snoop that's all it is

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 31/07/2021 10:18

If she plays that card, tell them you had no idea they felt it was helping you and an imposition and from now you will ensure it never happens again as it’s a hardship for them and you don’t need the ‘help’. You’ll store up help for emergencies.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 10:18

There have been incidents in the past where I think she thinks she is entitled to know more than she does. For example I've had some surgery done and it personal, but because she has obviously noticed she makes it quite clear she's looking and will say ohh very voluptuous bikini etc... She's trying to get me to talk about things as she feels she has a right to ask

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/07/2021 10:19

Urgh it's all so claustrophobic and MIL seems to want to relive being a Mum through your DC.

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 10:23

That's a really good point!! Interestingly she was the breadwinner when the kids were little she wanted her career so the 3 children say they don't really remember her being home and a mum. It's sad and I do feel that might be a thing for her but she goes about it the wrong way with the opinions and control she seems to think. When we are at their house which isn't often, of the kids ask something she used to say granny's house grannya rules etc and I think no they are my children

OP posts:
Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 10:24

@frazzledasarock

If she plays that card, tell them you had no idea they felt it was helping you and an imposition and from now you will ensure it never happens again as it’s a hardship for them and you don’t need the ‘help’. You’ll store up help for emergencies.
Good idea I will try that of she does! Ty x
OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/07/2021 10:30

@Eleoura

I can't believe you put up with fortnightly visits!!! So you will see her this weekend, have a short break, then have your next weekend also interrupted by them!!! Confused

She needs a f@cking hobby!!! YANBU at all! At least your DH sounds on your side, but I do hope he doesnt back down because she is being a child and sulking! What does your FIL think? I'd personally make the visits more like once a month!

My DM was every week until lockdown. It drove me nuts. Hmm
Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 10:37

How has it been since you came out of Lockdown has it reverted back to weekly?

OP posts:
Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 11:16

There was this one time just to give an example.. They wanted to come over but we were quite busy so didn't return the call immediately. Anyway we were out in the field behind our house walking the dog and in the distance coming across the field were his parents!!!! They said we knew you wouldn't be far because the car was in the drive!!!!!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/07/2021 11:19

It's really bizarre popping in on the off chance is you live very locally not 45 mins drive away and stay for the day!

Original poster
cakeydaisy · 31/07/2021 11:22

@RandomMess

It's really bizarre popping in on the off chance is you live very locally not 45 mins drive away and stay for the day!
Absolutely it's quite a desperate thing to do
OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 31/07/2021 11:42

The undermining of you needs to stop.

You'd likely be more receptive to contact if she didn't continually act the twat.

Ponoka7 · 31/07/2021 12:08

I would struggle with only seeing my GC once a fortnight. I live in Liverpool, WC area the norm is a lot more than that. I can't help feeling that she's being punished because your DH isn't honest with her. My Dad's don't have an issue with setting boundaries and I stick to them. There has been the odd occasion were I probably have given more sweets etc, but then so did my Mum, so it's let go. It's been by chance that I've been around if they are going on holiday because I dog sit. But I'd happily not dog sit go without seeing them off.
I think your DH needs an honest sit down talk, then forget the past and judge on her behaviour from there.
What was your relationship like with your GPs? I was very close to mine and consider it a valuable one.

billy1966 · 31/07/2021 12:21

Honestly OP, you need to put your foot down.

She sounds like a spoiled brat.

Start looking at houses an hour further away and tell your husband that you are serious if he doesn't cop himself on and tell his mother to back off.

Tell him his mother is crossing a line and you will push back hard if she doesn't stop.