to ask what is so special about blond hair

[pocpocpoc]

My husband is white and English, I am not white and foreign. I have dark hair and my genetics pretty much guarantee that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are almost 100% likely to have dark hair too.

DH's brother is married to a white English woman and their daughter is the same age as DD. She is taller than DD and has blond hair. Both are nice young ladies, reasonably attractive, but in different ways.

Something that bothered me for a long time, but I could only put a finger on recently, is how MIL (and others in the family) talk about DD's cousin's blond hair and height, almost as a counter-point to anything DD does that is of mention. For instance: "Well done for getting 12 A* GCSEs (saving a child from fire, winning Olympics, getting a Nobel prize), so proud of you being so academic/brave/athletic/hard-working and also of your cousin, who is a tall blond". I find it strange that DD is typically praised for something she has done and worked hard for, while her cousin is praised only for her looks.

Where it is getting ridiculous is that I noticed DH's sister doing the same thing, this time with our boys. Not long ago she said to me "aren't you lucky that your son has such a good friend to play with, with his beautiful head of blond hair" - the sentence really didn't make sense to me. Thinking back I realised that the blond hair has been brought up every time we met in the last couple of years.

In my culture we don't attribute any special value to blond hair. It is very rare, usually means that the blond person is of another ethnicity. Some people get their hair bleached, but it does not confer any superiority or praise. So help me to understand: what is so special about blond hair? AIBU to be bothered? AIBU to detect a hint of racism?

Any assumption on hair colour is just plain daft

@pocpocpoc

My husband is white and English, I am not white and foreign. I have dark hair and my genetics pretty much guarantee that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are almost 100% likely to have dark hair too.

DH's brother is married to a white English woman and their daughter is the same age as DD. She is taller than DD and has blond hair. Both are nice young ladies, reasonably attractive, but in different ways.

Something that bothered me for a long time, but I could only put a finger on recently, is how MIL (and others in the family) talk about DD's cousin's blond hair and height, almost as a counter-point to anything DD does that is of mention. For instance: "Well done for getting 12 A* GCSEs (saving a child from fire, winning Olympics, getting a Nobel prize), so proud of you being so academic/brave/athletic/hard-working and also of your cousin, who is a tall blond". I find it strange that DD is typically praised for something she has done and worked hard for, while her cousin is praised only for her looks.

Where it is getting ridiculous is that I noticed DH's sister doing the same thing, this time with our boys. Not long ago she said to me "aren't you lucky that your son has such a good friend to play with, with his beautiful head of blond hair" - the sentence really didn't make sense to me. Thinking back I realised that the blond hair has been brought up every time we met in the last couple of years.

In my culture we don't attribute any special value to blond hair. It is very rare, usually means that the blond person is of another ethnicity. Some people get their hair bleached, but it does not confer any superiority or praise. So help me to understand: what is so special about blond hair? AIBU to be bothered? AIBU to detect a hint of racism?

I’m Indian and Romany, but everyone in my family has dark black or brown hair. DS’ blond hair (now mousy brown) comes from my full Indian DH’s side. Any time a white person makes a comment on DS’ hair it’s racist and DH can usually stun them by telling them the true genetic origin of blonde hair. It nothing to do with race and everything to do with genetic mutations - there are many, many more Asians and Black people with blonde hair than white Europeans.

@5128gap

I wouldn't worry too much OP. Whenever theres a characteristic that is seen as desirable, particularly by men, theres a stampede to demonstrate why it's actually a bit rubbish. It's common, its creepy (?!) it's fake, men prefer other colours, we just don't get it..etc etc. I'm sure this is an effective counter balance should anyone with blonde hair start to feel too positive about themselves.

As a brunette I can assure you I've never been short of male attention. Conversely my blonde friend really struggles to meet anyone. We're not all jealous of you! God forbid someone might deviate from the western beauty standards that have been imposed on us.

[quote serenstar89]www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/science/2010/jun/04/men-blonde-women-attractive[/quote]
Really interesting, thanks for sharing it.

I was a blond, blue eyed kid and am now a bleach blond adult.

I think it's less extreme nowadays because of travel being more normal but when I went to China 25 years ago I felt like a total freak. From the moment I stepped out of the airport people (lots of people, in places there were whole crowds) stared and pointed.
Even 10 years ago in Vietnam I was asked by random strangers to pose with them for photos.
And believe me, I ain't a looker!

It's wrong but blonde hair seems to be seen as attractive to men and this seems to have filtered down in to the every day, and so blonde is prized and pointed out.

Novelusername I couldn't agree more.

The % in the Jewish population is no higher than in any other community except Scots and Irish.

@MrsMaizel have you got that the right way round? Wasn’t your original point that Scots and Irish have a higher % of redheads than the Jewish community? (ie the typically red headed Jew is a myth because Jews have no more redheads than any other community. If you meet a redhead they are statistically more likely to be Scottish or Irish).

I do actually know a ginger Scottish Jew .

@LynetteScavo

Red heads are typically Jewish? I never knew that!

I think I was once told there have been studies showing that young children in school are more likely to want to play with girls with long blond hair over other children. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do think many people think blond curly hair with a light tan is particularly attractive look. For some reason people seem not to like redheads with pale skin. Is is a current fashion trend, or some sort of racism, or biologically reproducing with blondes is good for the human race?

I'm naturally dark and once went to a fancy dress party with a blond wig. I got a lot more attention than I usually would and could see where the "blondes have more fun" saying comes from.

But OP, I suspect your niece isn't as academic/talented as your DD which would explain the comments about her looks.

I think it depends on the country. DH has blonde haired and blue eyed people in his family in India and people there incorrectly assumed they were albino when growing up, so no friends. Now as adults they have started dyeing their hair.

As for red heads. Red hair is in the same spectrum as brown - and both hair colours are very common from south / eastern Europe all the way to SE Asia.

@Kalvinette

You've told us that back home in your country, your hair is considered beautiful and blondes are considered meh.

Is your country racist?

I think we have our fair share of racist, misogynistic, homophobic and anti-semitic people like everywhere else.

I don't think I said we consider blonde hair 'meh', I said we just don't make fuss over it. Currently, our no. 1 most loved, adored and admired woman in the country happens to be blonde. She is praised for her athletic achievement, being a role model for young girls and having a good heart. Her good looks are often mentioned, but I didn't see any mention of her hair colour. That's why I found it difficult to read the situation with the in laws. This thread explained a lot.

Always get asked "where does he get it from?" as if we couldn't have possibly created a blonde child!

My DSis used to be told that she must have been adopted because she was fair haired whereas the rest of us were dark haired. She actually really looks like our maternal grandmother. Hair colour really isn’t the only indication of our genetics!

@Novelusername

It's a sexist categorising of women that we should try to get away from. Women are referred to as 'blondes', 'brunettes' or 'redheads' and these are categories men have decided code meanings about our characters. You'd never refer to a man as 'a blonde', and surmise from that he's a bit stupid and frivolous, and it's only when you do is it apparent how ridiculously objectifying it is. Unfortunately, a lot of women are either happy to go along with this, or have just blindly accepted it. There's a social media personality who was interviewing her sister who's recently dyed her hair blonde, and she was making lots of comments asking how her personality has changed now she's 'a blonde' . Jack White famously has three versions of the same guitar in different types of wood, with engravings of different actresses on the back, one blonde, one redhead, one brunette. Can you imagine a woman doing that? She'd be ridiculed for being superficial about men's looks. I'm sure most women couldn't care less that I have blonde hair, but some act funny with me about it. I they were the ones who were probably made to feel inferior for not being blonde when they were younger. None of this does any women any good. My ex was always going on about how he normally preferred dark women, so would make me feel inferior, then left me for a dark woman. Male or female, best to give these superficial types a swerve, whatever their preference.

100%

They like your niece's hair. It's not worth getting bitter about. They can like her hair if they want.

Always get asked "where does he get it from?" as if we couldn't have possibly created a blonde child!

I just don't understand how people think it is acceptable to ask?
I get similar treatment with my mixed race children with random strangers asking how I am related to DS or simply assuming I am the nanny.

@HaveringWavering

The % in the Jewish population is no higher than in any other community except Scots and Irish.

@MrsMaizel have you got that the right way round? Wasn’t your original point that Scots and Irish have a higher % of redheads than the Jewish community? (ie the typically red headed Jew is a myth because Jews have no more redheads than any other community. If you meet a redhead they are statistically more likely to be Scottish or Irish).

I do actually know a ginger Scottish Jew .

The article I posted said 18 % of Scottish and Irish population have the redhead gene . Jewish population is 2% the same as all other groups except the Irish and Scots .

However it used to be said the Jews had red hair and tails . Neither are correct .

My son is white blonde and gets a lot of attention and comments on it. I doubt it will stay this bright as he gets older

My friend's son has blonde hair and people refer to his beautiful blonde hair all the time. It isn't because they are sexist. It is because it is so unusual to have really light pure blonde hair and it will likely darken as he gets older. Right now it is a declaration of youth and people like it.

I think it's the rarity value in this country and a social perception that blondes are glamorous and therefore more desirable.

I think it's rude of your husbands family to discriminate in this way.

I think it's just a sad reality that society values looks over brains in women. This wouldn't be the case if these two girls were boys Just typical of a patriarchal society

Sorry but it really irritates me when people just dismiss this as simply a preference. It really isn't that simple. It's hugely tied up with sub conscious racism, religious imagery, colourism, western beauty standards that we are exposed to all our lives

All of my children are blonde and often I do get strangers stopping in the street to comment about their beauty. Interesting, never really thought about it!

@BungleandGeorge

If you’re not jealous and the brunettes in the family are better looking anyway I don’t know why it’s upsetting you so much? Perhaps you MIL finds it difficult to praise other things about your niece. People do sometimes have a habit of pigeon holing ‘the attractive one’, ‘the smart one’ etc

Good question and I took a few minutes to think about it. I guess I view it as a way of 'otherising' my children and putting DD in her place. I do take an issue that her achievements and hard work are so easily dismissed as something equal in value to what her cousin has without making any effort. I would not mind at all if the cousin was praised for being kind, being a good friend, putting a lot of effort into something, being a fantastic baker/crafter, having a good sense of humour etc.. I bet there are plenty of things to talk about..

I completely agree about pigeon-holing: it is lazy and disrespectful and unfair to all grandchildren. It is something families do, my family does it too and I hate it.

I really can't understand why posters can't see why it upsets the op. It would feel to me like they're basically saying, you're the whitest/lightest hence you are the prettiest. It seems so obvious to me that that's the issue

I think it mainly is because it is less common than brown hair. Blond hair and blue eyes are from recessive genes, so as time goes on, it becomes rarer as dominant brown hair and eyes takes over.
I do have blonde hair and blue eyes as do my sons and I'd say it's fair to say it's always been commented on. For me, when I went on holiday as a child to a country where people were predominantly darker, my hair colour and eye colour were always commented on and I was fawned over.
But it is weird that such value is put on something as trivial as hair colour.

@worktrip

I think it's the rarity value in this country and a social perception that blondes are glamorous and therefore more desirable.

I think it's rude of your husbands family to discriminate in this way.

I think it's just a sad reality that society values looks over brains in women. This wouldn't be the case if these two girls were boys Just typical of a patriarchal society

The last point is the good one. I guess I must admit that at least some of my resentment is due to the fact that DD is being labelled as 'smart' and, by extension, 'not beautiful" that bothers me. Whether the label is accurate or not is besides the point, I want DD to feel beautiful and have the confidence that comes with people who know that they are.

We live in patriarchal society and I guess (despite of years and years of reading up on feminist literature) I still want DD to be considered attractive as consciously or sub-consciously I know it will give her better chances in life, brains or no brains.

Comedycook, I never said anyone was jealous, or that there was an ideal of beauty that shouldn't be deviated from. My point was that it's a shame when perceived preference for a characteristic is challenged by bringing down the people with the characteristic. Like your need to point out that you get more male attention than your blonde friend. Why is that important?

@5128gap

Comedycook, I never said anyone was jealous, or that there was an ideal of beauty that shouldn't be deviated from. My point was that it's a shame when perceived preference for a characteristic is challenged by bringing down the people with the characteristic. Like your need to point out that you get more male attention than your blonde friend. Why is that important?

You said it was seen as desirable by men...I think men are attracted to good looking women. A gorgeous brunette will get more male attention than an unattractive blonde woman and vice versa.