How long did it take for you to be on 'farting' terms with your DPs

[fuckyeahpercywigwam]

This is not really an AIBU, but inspired by the hilarious 'he shat in the garden' thread.

My friend's daughter has been married for seven years...child-free..but her and her DH have never farted in each other's hearing. Nope. They discreetly remove themselves to the loo.

I cannot believe this.

With something you can turn on to cover the noise

Alternatively, we could bring in a new law that all public buildings are required to blast a foghorn at top volume for one minute every hour, to provide an amnesty for all bashful wind-breakers on a 'now's your chance - give it all that you've got' principle. That way, you'd only ever be a maximum of 59 minutes away from guaranteed anonymity to enable you to go for it and knock yourself and everybody else out

"Excuse me darling, I need to dash. It's nearly a foghorn time!"

Farts and relationships are the same. If you have to push, it's usually shit

So no pushing in the flatulence booths!

Also, no opportunist hanky-panky opportunities. We'd need to enforce a 'strictly one in, one out' rule!

Of course, some people are maybe not quite bashful enough.

@therocinante

I find all the people holding their farts in very odd!

My husband has seen every single part of me.

He's seen me with food poisoning in a 3x3m room with a curtain for the 'bathroom' door on holiday, he's seen me post-surgery, he's nursed me through various disgusting illnesses and injuries... if a fart put him off me or vice versa I'd be very confused.

This! And all you lot saying 'I hold it in until I get to the bathroom' wait until you get old! Bend down, fart. Get up, fart, laugh, fart. And there is no 'holding it in' because there is absolutely no warning 😂

I don't find it funny any more than I find a sneeze or a tummy rumble funny, but equally I don't detest it either. It's normal!

DH and I don't exactly grab each other from the other room to do it together so we can have a good old giggle, but of one of us needs to when we're with each other I honestly couldn't give less of a fuck.

I just want to know what the non-farters do about queefs. Do they pretend they haven't happened? Are they a violation of the relationship too, or is it that farts have the potential to smell and not the noise?

If it's the smell and not the noise, is it okay if you're just quite a gassy person but they don't smell?

And if that's okay because you can't control it, then are people who can't control their farts terrible people, or do they get a pass?

And if it's the smell and you live in a small house/a flat/somewhere with only one bathroom, how do you deal with poo smell? I used to live in a tiny cottage with no bathroom window where the only bathroom was a jack and jill so it was connected to our bedroom - mere FEET away from our bed. What would the correct protocol be here? Banish the other person downstairs? Whole can of Neutradol? Candle, spray, VIPoo and only in the middle of the night when nobody will know? What if you're desperate? Would it ruin your marriage if someone had pooed 3ft away from your head because they were desperate but you were watching TV? Would you have been more of less annoyed if you'd been sent downstairs out of the way for a safe period of time???

So many questions I MUST KNOW.

(Or maybe none of the non-farters live in tiny, badly laid out houses, in which case they can quite literally afford a dedicated farting room)

@therocinante Funnily enough queefs are fine with me. It's not very logical. I think I have issues with the smell and therefore can't fart in front of people. I have also recently discovered VIPoo and I'm delighted.

All these people who don't fart in front of their partners - what an awful, restrained life that must be. I don't find farting amusing or entertaining, but it is a natural bodily function, and my husband of 20 years and I fart in front of each other all the time. I can't imagine having to feel so uncomfortable as to hold that in. How horrible! To me, home is home and it is for relaxing and feeling comfortable, which would be hard to do if I felt like I had to go into another room each time I felt the need to break wind! In our marriage, we are like one person, so all bodily functions are open between the two of us. Obviously, in front of other people it's different, but not in the family home. And I am so glad that it is like that for us!

People who fart and think it's hilarious are the absolute worst

I'm afraid I'm 'one of these people' too! I don't even like the word, and have never used it (and it was never used by my parents when I was growing up either - which has perhaps influenced me!)

But - nearly 15 years in - nope, have never done a... well, you know... in front of each other. DH has once or twice in his sleep, but never awake. Each to their own though - there's no 'right way' to answer this question

Some things just have to be restricted to maintain the magic!

Oops, sorry, realised I was a bit ambigous there - I mean I'm 'one of those people' who don't think 'farts' are hilarious!

(And it really hurt me to even type the word there!)

No I can’t believe it either OP. If ran to the bog every time I farted I’d never leave on some days. I sometimes fart in my hand & throw it at him, I’m half expecting a petition to get me off MN after revealing such filth. Bet they shag in the dark too, if at all with such strait laced behavior.

[quote BabyPotato]@therocinante Funnily enough queefs are fine with me. It's not very logical. I think I have issues with the smell and therefore can't fart in front of people. I have also recently discovered VIPoo and I'm delighted.[/quote]
Hahaha, okay - thank you for sharing . I have no anger for the NFs (non-farters), I am just not sure how it works logistically - but as I posted further up, DH has had to share a cell-sized space with me while I had horrendous (both end) food poisoning for a full 24 hours (so he couldn't just go out and leave me to it) abroad with just a gauze curtain for modesty, so we have crossed several boundaries!

And yes, VIPoo is an excellent invention - when we lived in said tiny cottage where the head of the bed was literally 4ft away from the toilet in the windowless bathroom, it was a godsend hahahah!

Only when pregnant... but I also peed myself around then and he kindly took my soiled clothes and washed them while I showered. Spent a bit of time birthing on toilet (by which I mean desperately trying to poo between contractions so I wouldn't have to worry about doing in the pool) and which he had to help me.

Otherwise never. And if he did any of those things, I'd be very upset.

Unless of course HE was pregnant! 😂

@Pedalpushers bully for you. That is one of the most common symptoms of IBS. Funnily enough my gastric doctor doesn't think it's diet related so I will take my advice from the bloke with years of medical training rather than you if you don't mind

@Whaam

All these people who don't fart in front of their partners - what an awful, restrained life that must be. I don't find farting amusing or entertaining, but it is a natural bodily function, and my husband of 20 years and I fart in front of each other all the time. I can't imagine having to feel so uncomfortable as to hold that in. How horrible! To me, home is home and it is for relaxing and feeling comfortable, which would be hard to do if I felt like I had to go into another room each time I felt the need to break wind! In our marriage, we are like one person, so all bodily functions are open between the two of us. Obviously, in front of other people it's different, but not in the family home. And I am so glad that it is like that for us!

I must be very un-farty. I have been observing since this thread was started and, other than while using the loo, I haven't needed to fart. No clenching or holding in, no discomfort from retained gas. Surely this is normal if you eat a good diet? As always, those with a bowel or digestive condition have my sympathy.

Things improved for me when I gave up cereal and toast in favour of a cooked breakfast. All the same, I think farting five times before getting out of bed in the morning is normal.

Wait till he's munching away down there and you let one go, despite trying to hold it in, with enough force to give him a side parting.

@Pottedpalm Surely a good diet also involves eating lots of pulses!? Good diets generally = wind in my book. Besides, everyone farts sometimes. Who said I was farting all the time? But I do fart, and in my own house I am glad I can do that freely without having to hold it in!

Ah I see where you got that from. I didn't mean literally all the time! I just meant regularly over the 20 years we have farted in front of each other.

@whatthejiggeries I was literally talking about people without IBS but go ahead and be offended I guess.

22 years and we don't do this

I must be very un-farty. I have been observing since this thread was started and, other than while using the loo, I haven't needed to fart. No clenching or holding in, no discomfort from retained gas. Surely this is normal if you eat a good diet? As always, those with a bowel or digestive condition have my sympathy.

I would actually suggest that severe lack of gas might be a sign of not so good diet for belly bacteria

Oh my gosh, no, never.
I just don't think it's necessary to be farting in front of anyone, it's disgusting.