... to think MIL shouldn't have left DD to cry? Honest views please...

[GogoTheSmall]

I would really appreciate some honest views as to whether I am over-reacting about this. I suppose the key question is whether leaving an 8 month old baby to cry for longer than 15 minutes is OK.

Yesterday MIL took DD on a walk so I could do some housework. This is a big favour to me I know, although to be honest MIL is always desperate to take her for a walk as it is the only time she has DD to herself (DD bf, won't take bottle, only ever wants to be held by me and DH, hence no real babysitting opportunities).

Before they left I asked her to please bring DD back if she was upset. MIL agreed. They were gone for nearly two hours so I thought great, they are getting on.

But when they turned up DD was in floods of tears. MIL announced cheerily, 'Oh, she's been crying like the rain!'

Turns out that DD burst into tears the minute they left the house! But MIL thought she'd 'persevere' and after 20 minutes or so DD cried herself to sleep in the buggy.

She slept for most of the rest of the time, then woke up and began crying again at some unspecified time before MIL decided to finally bring her home.

I am not happy about this! It seems to me that there is an issue of trust here that MIL has broken. Controlled or uncontrolled crying is not part of DH's and my ideas about parenting, and leaving DD to cry herself to sleep is definitely not on.

On the other hand, I do accept that she did me a big favour by taking her out in the first place. And DD was so pleased to see me, she has been an absolute dream since! I keep thinking that it might cause some kind of emotional harm to her development - probably not too damaging, I know, but harm nonetheless.

WWYD in this situation? ATM I have definite qualms about trusting MIL again.

I don't think crying for 20 mins and then going to sleep is that bad when out in the buggy. DS has cried for that long when I've been pushing him round the park to get him to sleep myself... And I'm generally pretty soft on the whole crying thing (e.g. our toddler often ends up in our bed)

if it has broken the trust between you and your MIL, then not sure what i can say

i think your MIL was doing something from the best of motives ... is there a possibility that as your DD cried herself to sleep, she was a bit over-tired anyway

i don't think an episode like this can really "harm" a child

i think YAB a bit U.

She was trying to do you a favour and would have felt like she had failed if she bought your DD back after 5 mins.

I think leaving a baby of 8 months to cry whilst in the buggy for 15 mins is acceptable. Has this really never happened to you whilst out and about?

In your situation I would have been glad of the support from MIL and encourage the relationship so that dd eventually feels more comfortable in her company alone.

I think you are feeling like this because your MIL has broken your trust not because she let your DD cry, am I right?

YANBU with respect to trusting your MIL, you told her what your expectations were and she ignored them. but on the other hand MILs tend to think they know how to handle babies (they usually have had one themselves. so you run the risk of upsetting her questioning her judgement. you probably want to keep a good relationship with her so I would not say anything. The next time she wants to take her out though I would reiterate what you said before and make sure she knows how you feel about your baby crying. IMHO I dont think babies crying cause any long term harm, in fact I think some crying is good for them.

IMHO, it really depends on the situation on whether you should leave an 8 month old cry for longer than 15 mins.
My theory - and I'm sure we're all different - and people have different opinions on these things, is that once you've checked all the vitals (i.e. is she clean / hungry etc etc.) so you know the lo is not ill - then sometimes letting them cry is the right thing to do (I know not everyone agrees). I know my ds went through stages of screaming / crying (more at night than in the day) for absolutely no reason that we could find (I checked everything myself, took him to the Doctor's and my health visitor just to check) so, quite often, we would have to let him cry it out. Luckily this doesn't happen very often now (infact, very very rarely).
Also, babies are going to be clingy to their parents if they aren't exposed to other people. Perhaps, if you trust your MIL you could let her babysit for maybe an hour a week and gradually build it up so your lo is comfortable with her ?
Having said that - if MIL had done something I had expressely asked her not to do, then I would have an issue. I think you have two points here - I don't necessarily agree with you on the crying thing (although, honestly, I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer on this one - you really have to do whatever you are happiest with), but I do agree with you to be upset with your MIL. I would address the two things seperately if I was you.

I can understand where you're coming from but tbh think yabu a bit.

A bit of crying will not have harmed your dd, you had some time to yourself and your dd has been out with someone other than you, something which you say has not been possible before as she is ve clingy?

It will actually be good for all of you if dd is able to go to others, as this will give you the opportunity to be able to go out etc.

And to your mil's credit, at least she was honest with you re your dd's crying, she could, after all, have just said "she's just started crying so thought we'd come home" and you would never have been any the wiser.

My own view is that there is a difference between leaving a child to cry where they either can't see you, can't hear you or don't think anyone is there, and a child crying while still aware that someone is around.

By the sound of it, you have a buggy which faces away from the pusher, but perhaps your MIL kept making soothing noises, and obviously was still pushing the buggy along, so it is quite likely in my view that your daughter did know that she hadn't been abandoned.

So although I would have felt awful about this happening, I do think in fact that it doesn't harm children to cry while they know someone is there - I certainly hope so, because ds did quite a lot of that!! In fact, I have seen a few bits and pieces in books (no expert) saying that for a child to experience negative emotions but to find that they can do this without the world coming to an end or their carer walking away, is actually a really good thing.

It's also good IMO that your MIL fessed up and told you she'd been crying - much better than waiting until she eventually stopped and bringing her back saying 'good as gold'!

I totally feel your pain and I think it is really hard when other people start getting involved, but I actually think your MIL didn't do anything bad TBH. Talk it through with her again, but don't give up on sharing her out, if you can bear to. If not, then just put it off for a bit. But it is so nice to have gps involved if you can. Hope thsi is OK and that I haven't offended.

I think you're over-reacting somewhat, but can understand why.

Your MIL was trying to do you a favour, and in fairness children often do cry for a while when they are separated from their mum - it generally only lasts for a few minutes, and I assume your MIL thought that would be the case with your daughter. She then slept for most of the time she was out - so no harm done. And certainly no "emotional harm to her development" - not because of one single occurance.

This doesn't really equate with controlled crying, IMO - someone was with her looking after her all the time. She wasn't left alone.

Can I ask how would you have felt if your MIL had brought her straight back because she wouldn't settle - would that have been the wrong thing as well, because she didn't give you the space that you needed? Maybe your MIL felt caught between a rock and a hard place and chose what she thought was the lesser of the two evils.

it is NOT that big a deal so I do think YABU

but I also accept that it just feels like it is a big deal (and would do to any other mother going through it) because you have an 8 month old, and dare I assume it's a slight case of PFB syndrome?

I guess most people who no longer have a baby would think yabu .. and most who have one would think yanbu .. it's a matter of perspective

Maybe i am over-reacting. I've never had her cry for that long with me, mainly because a feed usually sorts out any tantrums, and anyway I have her in a sling when I go out which she's happier in than the buggy. She is a really contented baby normally. I guess I'm lucky! So it seemed to me like a long time to cry, but if you guys don't think it's long then I'm reassured.

It is probably a trust issue more than anything else. She wants to look after DD next year when I go back to work and of course this could be a perfect arrangement and a big help for me, but I will be worrying if I think MIL doesn't respect my views on things.

yanbu, I would be furious.

Good intentions but not very mindful of your wishes.

maybe PFB a bit!

8 months is slap in the middle of babies' 'attachment' thing where they recognise mum, dad, anyone else they are used to, but cry when handed to a stranger. (I guess she doesn't know your MIL very well?)

It starts around 5 or 6 months, they all grow out of it eventually...it is a well known phase...my Ds cried with my mum last week when I was in the dentists, he was inconsoleable and knows her a little but it wasn't enough...poor mite!

She will get used to your MIL in plenty of time, try and have some time with you AND Mil together, so she learns to trust her.

Poor you though. I was upset last week, and it was only for 10 minutes!

i wd agree that if your MIL is going to be the childcarer, you do need to have some quite in-depth conversations about how she handles stuff, and why. Probably in the context of what she did when she was the parent.

It does get a bit easier IMO when the child is mobile and visibly has their own opinions on things! (well not easier, but YKWIM)

best of luck.

In your MIL's defence she may not have understood how strongly you feel about this and may even have thought she was doing you a favour by giving you a couple of hours away from a crying child.

However, if you're absolutely sure she understood but ignored your wished then YANBU and in your position I would also be absolutely furious. I feel sick at the thought of my DD crying herself to sleep

I wouldn't worry about there being long term damage to your DD. At worst she has had a one-off moderately distressing experience which was made all better by the reappearance of mummy. It would have to happen regularly to cause any emotional problems.

What will you do about MIL looking after your DD again?

I think the only way to get dd used to being with others, is by her spending time with others. She will get used to it eventually.

As others have said, there are 2 points here - your mil was not mindful of your wishes, that is something you may want to address.

As for the crying, I would have been exactly the same when ds1 was 8 mths old. Now I've got ds2 (18 mths) also, my views have, shall we say mellowed somewhat and I am far more relaxed re crying. Easy to say with hindsight and experience behind me though!

also pfb as if that's not obvious

Personally I'm with you. Am very against leaving babies to cry. I chose never to leave DD to cry (with myself or anyone else) and despite being constantly told she would become very clingy, she is now a confident and secure 14 month old.

I can see your MIL was not being mean and was helping you out, which was lovely of her, though I do think she should of respected your wishes.

yeah, it's kind of obvious bees

Gogo I'm with you on the crying. Well, sort of. I don't mind ds crying a bit if everything else has been checked and he is crying in someone's arms, usually because he is overtired.

I too don't like the idea of ds crying himself to sleep in his buggy, although I know many would accuse me of pfb syndrome too.

Mil however is of a sterner mindset than me and says, "he's just wailing he's not really crying".

So I was with you; do I let her take him out and get a break, or not?

I solved the problem really easily by giving her her own sling.

HTH

if a family member looks after your child you better be willing to let them do it their way tbh .. it is far more difficult to 'dictate' than to a paid-for nanny

also if you decide to go with a childminder you need to find one that matches your ideas, rather than one you like and assume that you will dictate the way she watches your childs

it seems to me there are as many ways as raising a child as there are stars in the sky .. the trick is to find another person who is generally aligned to your belief system and then be flexible with how your child is brought up

the benefit of a grandparent though is the unconditional love, and the cheapness of course

I think I'll have to have a talk to her next time she comes over, next week probably. She and FIL see DD at least once a week so it's a shame DD still doesn't trust them enough to go to them (she loves playing with them but only if she's sitting on my lap at the time!)

I won't have a go or anything, I'll just reiterate about the crying thing and say that DH and I don't want her to cry herself to sleep as it's not what we do at home, so please bring her home right away if she cries for longer than, say 5mins. But I will let her take her out again, it is important isn't it, to let them continue to build that relationship. Even if DD doesn't really want to yet!!