... to think MIL shouldn't have left DD to cry? Honest views please...

[GogoTheSmall]

I would really appreciate some honest views as to whether I am over-reacting about this. I suppose the key question is whether leaving an 8 month old baby to cry for longer than 15 minutes is OK.

Yesterday MIL took DD on a walk so I could do some housework. This is a big favour to me I know, although to be honest MIL is always desperate to take her for a walk as it is the only time she has DD to herself (DD bf, won't take bottle, only ever wants to be held by me and DH, hence no real babysitting opportunities).

Before they left I asked her to please bring DD back if she was upset. MIL agreed. They were gone for nearly two hours so I thought great, they are getting on.

But when they turned up DD was in floods of tears. MIL announced cheerily, 'Oh, she's been crying like the rain!'

Turns out that DD burst into tears the minute they left the house! But MIL thought she'd 'persevere' and after 20 minutes or so DD cried herself to sleep in the buggy.

She slept for most of the rest of the time, then woke up and began crying again at some unspecified time before MIL decided to finally bring her home.

I am not happy about this! It seems to me that there is an issue of trust here that MIL has broken. Controlled or uncontrolled crying is not part of DH's and my ideas about parenting, and leaving DD to cry herself to sleep is definitely not on.

On the other hand, I do accept that she did me a big favour by taking her out in the first place. And DD was so pleased to see me, she has been an absolute dream since! I keep thinking that it might cause some kind of emotional harm to her development - probably not too damaging, I know, but harm nonetheless.

WWYD in this situation? ATM I have definite qualms about trusting MIL again.

With Gibb. I personally would never leave dd to cry for longer than about 30secs.

I have no idea whether my mum would personally choose to leave a baby to cry or not, but I know she doesn't do it with dd because she knows I would hate it. You need to explain that you appreciate her intentions but you can't relax if you think she isn't being looked after in the way you would do it (however PFB or silly MiL finds it).

Gogo have you thought about giving her a sling to use herself? As I said below, I did this with my mil and she loves the attention she gets from her friends!! (My mil is to be carer when I have to return to work, too.)

I don't think tyhis is a major problem either. It is normal for babies to have an episode of crying and your MIL was not neglecting her.

Are you perhaps a bit sad because she actually slept for a reasonable eriod without the need for being held?

This is just another stage of parenting - realiseing that your child will settle without you.

It is a good thing to foster a little bit of independence from you - your DD will not have been harmed emotionally at all.

However, you have to decide if you are ready to let her go with other people.

I think the issue isn't so much that your child cried herself to sleep but that your MIL did something that you wouldn't have wanted to do for your child. You will need to spell out to your MIL that 5 mins crying (or however long, if any) is the maximum you want your DD upset for and to please adhere to that. If she doesn't abide by this then you will have to make a choice about letting her help you have a break, and going against what you prefer, and not getting a break. FWIW your DD won't be permanently damaged after 1 crying session.

You are sooooo lucky to have a MIL that would do this for you. I agree with Gertie - she would've felt awful renaging on her promise to you and bringing your DD home after 5mins.

Please take a step back. In years to come you will look back at this and smile - honestly.

I would say that in this instance you should let it go but before you leave your little one again I would have a chat about how you and your Dh are parenting her.

Perhaps gently but firmly say that you were a bit upset that it had seemed she had cried so much last time.
HTH

Plus at least your MIL was honest with you

not UR just a bit sensitive maybe - is this your first child? sorry to sound patronising but how many dcs has mil bought up? - she can't be too bad a carer, after-all, you chose to marry one of her offspring!

she may have different child care ideas to you, but as a granny she could not love your dd any less than you do (if she is a 'normal nanny' and i'm sure would never let any harm come to her)

cut her a bit of slack, she is only trying to help!

Although I agree that one crying session won't have hurt her, I disagree that they have to learn to cry to sleep independently.

My mum has looked after dd since she was quite little and follows the same methods as me. I am happy to listen to her suggestions as she has of course, got experience. And,of course when she is looking after her she has to make snap decisions but tbh I think my mum quite likes not having to decide whether to leave her to cry but cuddling her to sleep if necessary (and letting me worry about all the rod-for-own-back bollox).

I don't think it is necessary for an 8 mth old to cry themselves to sleep unless they are really ill and it's just not happening. Of course, some people favour that method and that's fine AND UP TO THEM. But the original poster should not feel bullied that they should let MIL get on with it just because it's what other people do. It's your baby!!

If you don't like what she does, don't let her help.

Sorry but what she did wasn't dangerous, or even ouside of what many people consider 'normal' child rearing practices.

If you disagree, that it your total right. This is your baby.

But given that your MIL was doing you a favour, I don't think that you can be too insistant. But it is, naturally, your call.

Mummymagic, I don't think anyone is being even slightly bullying towards the OP. In fact I think everyone is being very understanding and sensitive and trying to see the OP's pov.

i think thats the mother and baby bond talking no mum wants to see there child crying but its perfectly normal to let a child of that age cry

dont worry no issue of trust has been broken babies cry why run her back for a few tears at this age the babies learn what attention crying gets them i used to leave my ds to cry as he was getting used to cuddles all the time becoming to much of a habit

No, it's fine, I don't feel bullied at all. I asked for honest responses. There are different views on how much crying is acceptable and I still feel the same about that. but this big dose of perspective has been v welcome! so thanks everyone.

great idea about her own sling btw mossy! will investigate!

My 4 month old baby cries himself to sleep most nights. I have realised he is crying at around 9pm because he is really really tired and he cries whether I hold him or not. I figure he might as cry in his cot. Having said that, it is really hard listening to your own baby cry as it feels all wrong (I normally run away to the kitchen and do something as noisy as possible).

When it's your baby crying it feels loud and stressful when it is someone else's baby you hardly notice - it seems like a sweet little baby noise.

Maybe it's just me...but since when has a baby wanting to be cuddled a bad thing?

ok - wanting it constantly is tough but there are other ways to avoid that rather than walking away leaving them to cry.

I didn't say people had been bullying, I said she shouldn't feel bullied (which I felt there were quite a few posts that might make one feel a bit stupid,'oh PFB' style).

But she has said she doesn't, so that's fine.

Very PFB to not have a baby cry, and not at all possible when you have more than one (often 2 children are crying at the same time-or one child needs you whilst the baby is crying).

If other people have your children (especially as a favour) you have to let them do it their way. It just doesn't work if you start asking them to do things differently. As MB said you can choose not to leave them with a person who does things differently, but not really on to ask them to do things a totally different way. A lot of babies go through a phase where they do cry t to sleep (usually when very overtired, so as they're starting to get more involved in things- usually cuddling a baby in that state doesn't help either you just have to let them cry themselves out). I would actually refuse to look after a baby if I was told I couldn't let it cry (because I couldn't promise that).

Ha not such a good post to follow. It is very PFB though- because it just isn't possible once you have more than one. And the poster did say 'honest views please'.

Also worth considering what would have happened if your MIL had brought your dd home? Wouldn't she just have cried at home. She sounds like she slept for almost 2 hours so she must have been tired.

I don't think YABU - just a slightly anxious first time mum. If what you're worried about is any harm or 'damage' to your DD, I think you are worrying unnecessarily. I'm sure she is fine. If, however, what you are really worried about is your MIL not following your instructions with regards to looking after your DD, then that's a separate issue. Perhaps you need to have a gentle chat with her and let her know how you feel about the matter - that what you say goes when it comes to your DD and you would appreciate her towing the line (phrased better than that, though! but ykwim...). Maybe your DH could be the one to have a chat to her, even?

There will always be a million and one different responses to how much a baby should (if at all) be left to cry for.

I was very anxious with ds1 (would never apply PFB to someone else because I find it a bit patronising and slightly dismissive but would apply it to myself ). Like yurt kinda says, when I had ds2 (now 18 mths)I realised I couldn't split myself in half if they were both crying. Also by then ds1 had grown into a contented, happy, confident little boy (he's now 3.2) so I had more confidence in myself and any crying episodes. Like I said before, easy to say in hindsight though! And I certainly wouldn't expect someone to change their views because of my experiences, but it may help them to see things from a different perspective.

I am kinda with you and kinda with your MIL here.
I can totally understand what you are saying about trust being splintered a bit I had the same thing with my MIL but I did give her the benefit of the doubt at first though. SHe maybe never really realised that when you said if she gets upset bring her back and as far as she was concerned your dd was not inconsolable, I am sure if she had continued to cry she would not have stayed out for 2 hours but she used her judgement as to how long it was appropriate to let the baby cry and within that time your dd fell asleep.

I don't think it would do any harm to have a calm chat with her and say that if she cries for a few minutes (however many you think) to bring her back if she then actually blatently ignores your requests then it is maybe time to be a bit peed off.

The thing is that I know your dd is only a baby and 8 months is very young but it might be nice to encourage your dd to be held by her grandparents when they visit rather than interact with them from your knee because if nothing else it may help your dd to feel comfortbale going out on walks like this with yuor MIL to give oyu a break.

With my MIL she continued to completely ignore anything DH and I said to her including some serious issues and that was to her detriment because she is now no longer left alone with the children and it has been made clear to her that it is because she continues to go behind her back.....but my MIL is actually not that nice a person anyway yours sounds like she did have the best of intentions.

Maybe she started crying again on the way home so MIL couldn't do much anyway but scurry home with her howling?

But if you aren't keen on the method your MIL chooses to take, then I'd definitely have a chat with her about. I don't think it's an issue of harm or not. If you would rather your child wasn't left to cry herself to sleep, then that's certainly your prerogative. Just as it was MIL's prerogative to raise her kids as she chose.

Just because someone does you a favour - although grannies relish time alone with their GCs so it's sometimes a favour for them too - doesn't mean you have to accept that they're going to do what they like with your child.