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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to think MIL shouldn't have left DD to cry? Honest views please...

131 replies

GogoTheSmall · 27/11/2007 16:18

I would really appreciate some honest views as to whether I am over-reacting about this. I suppose the key question is whether leaving an 8 month old baby to cry for longer than 15 minutes is OK.

Yesterday MIL took DD on a walk so I could do some housework. This is a big favour to me I know, although to be honest MIL is always desperate to take her for a walk as it is the only time she has DD to herself (DD bf, won't take bottle, only ever wants to be held by me and DH, hence no real babysitting opportunities).

Before they left I asked her to please bring DD back if she was upset. MIL agreed. They were gone for nearly two hours so I thought great, they are getting on.

But when they turned up DD was in floods of tears. MIL announced cheerily, 'Oh, she's been crying like the rain!'

Turns out that DD burst into tears the minute they left the house! But MIL thought she'd 'persevere' and after 20 minutes or so DD cried herself to sleep in the buggy.

She slept for most of the rest of the time, then woke up and began crying again at some unspecified time before MIL decided to finally bring her home.

I am not happy about this! It seems to me that there is an issue of trust here that MIL has broken. Controlled or uncontrolled crying is not part of DH's and my ideas about parenting, and leaving DD to cry herself to sleep is definitely not on.

On the other hand, I do accept that she did me a big favour by taking her out in the first place. And DD was so pleased to see me, she has been an absolute dream since! I keep thinking that it might cause some kind of emotional harm to her development - probably not too damaging, I know, but harm nonetheless.

WWYD in this situation? ATM I have definite qualms about trusting MIL again.

OP posts:

joyfulspike · 27/11/2007 20:02

FWIW, I know where you're comming from. I was the same with my ds when he was that age. Like any parent you love your dd and worry about if she's ok etc. All natural. Long term, I dont think any harm will come from this - who knows if mil takes her out again, she may not cry or at least cry less. Cry is such a vague word and babies have different types of cry, maybe ds didn't cry as in sobbing heart out, but it was a whingey/grizzley cry?

Look at it this way, she was honest with you. If she'd fibbed and you then found out what had happened it would be worse. I am sure that she did everything she could to console your daughter and used her judgement. Maybe she didn't really understand where you were coming from? So it might be worth clarifying what you want/expect. You also got 2hrs to yourself to get things done. tbh, I think YANBU, this is your child, but maybe clearer ground rules are needed?

hercules1 · 27/11/2007 20:05

Not read the replies but I dont think you are being unreasonable. I wouldnt willingly let my dd cry for this long and it would annoy me a lot if someone else did.
It wont have caused her any damamge though.

SquiffyonSnowballs · 28/11/2007 08:27

I think YABU and should thank your lucky stars for having a hands-on MIL who does her best to help out, doesn't fib, and is probably itching to say that she thinks it is time your DD got used to beign around people other than you 24/7, but has been far too respectful of your feeligns to dream of interferign by mentioning it.

Of course she is your DD and you know best, but that doesn't stop caring nans from havign their own views and I think you are very lucky that she is doing her best to reconcile your desires against her own instincts without offending you.

I had a heart to heart with my mum once and was astonished at some of the differences in her views and how she struggled to do exactly as i asked when it conflicted with her own opinions. Your mum adores her DGD an dis only tryign to do what is right by her, be thankful for that as many mums don'thave that support.

fondant4000 · 28/11/2007 08:34

YANBU - Your MIL should respect the way you do things, even if she thinks its bonkers!

My Mum babysat for our dd1 and promised she would call us if dd woke up. She did exactly as she promised (tho' we happened to be on our way home anyway!) even tho' dd was not greatly distressed (she was 2 years old). My mum would probably not have chosen to ring us, but respected our wishes.

Its important to take it slowly for your dd, no point her first experience of being apart being miserable - it will do you no favours the next time you need to leave her IMO

And your MIL is not the parent, so she def has no reason to do any kind of cc.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 28/11/2007 08:55

YANBU.

Someone always trots out the, "Thank your lucky stars you've got a MIL who's interested," line when that's just so not the point. Yes, lovely lovely that granny's interested etc and some poor kids don't have a granny who cares. But that's not what the OP is talking about.

And granny's interest doesn't allow her to ignore the parent's wishes whether she agrees with them or not.

Just have a quick word with your MIL about it. Make clear that if you want her opinion about your kids, you'll ask for it. Obviously being gracious at the same time.

yurt1 · 28/11/2007 09:05

I have a lovely hands on mother who helps out with my 3. If I started giving her lists of rules I know that she would refuse to look after them for me. If Granny is doing something like smoking round the child then fair enough you request that she goes outside for her fags, or you don't leave her with the child. But for something entirely normal like letting a child cry itself to sleep (poor MIL probably thought she was doing DIL a favour by getting the baby off to sleep and giving her a break) if you start complaining then MIL would be perfectly within her right to just refuse to look after the grandchild.

Now this is said in the context that when ds1 was about this age we were so over previous that when my aunt looked after ds1 for the day (so we could go to a wedding) dh asked her not to cross the road with him (PMSL). My aunt rang my Mum and said "er I was asked not to cross the road'. Mum asked what she had done "crossed the road" she said. 8 years later dh still (quite deservedly) gets ribbed about that.

If you start dictating too much then MIL will get pissed off or to worried to look after her grandchild. I'd save the requests for the important stuff tbh- when you have more - willing hands on help is a dream.

I've just remembered when I had ds3 I hosted a coffee morning. Several mums turned up with first children. Once had a 'no crying' rule which was strictly enforced (I think the baby was allowed to make no more than 10 seconds of crying before being picked up or something). However whilst I was out in the kitchen making everyone coffee it was very noticeable that when ds3 started crying no-one picked him up .

belgo · 28/11/2007 09:10

I'm obviously missing the point entirely. Pushing a crying baby in a pram until they fall asleep is not leaving a baby to cry. I used to do that all the time - it was often the only way I could get dd1 to fall asleep. That's not controlled crying.

I don't understand what all the fuss is about.

yurt1 · 28/11/2007 09:13

I agree belgo. You can buy ramps can't you to push a baby backwards and forwards over to recreate the walking around the park to get to sleep thing.

belgo · 28/11/2007 09:16

that sounds like a good idea Yurt. Wish I had had one for dd1!

I have a photo of a famous occasion when both of my dds were screaming their heads off for no particular reason. Nothing I could do to stop them crying, except.....plonk them both in the double pram (my lifesaver at the time) and walk until they were both fast asleep.

3madboys · 28/11/2007 09:16

i wouldnt say you were being unreasonalbe at all.

i think maybe you need to talk to your mil and say that whilst you appreciate, in fact love her help, you would rather that she brought your dd home than have her cry for twenty mins.

and as for all the pfb stuff... well i am expecting no 4 and i havent let any of my three cry for that length of time, if we are out and they are crying in the pram i will pick them up,i have a sling with me or i just carry them in one arm. dp agrees with me, we both hate to hear little babies crying, and at 8mths she is still little.

i didnt leave mine with my mother when they were little, precisely because she would leave them to cry however my mil has looked after them occasionally and like others have said if there is a problem she has brought them straight back or phoned me so that i could go home etc. i dont think that is too much to ask from a carer, that they respect your wishes and phone if there is a problem

TheStepfordChav · 28/11/2007 09:17

What's 'normal' when it comes to crying? A friend of DDs (13) went to Moldova earlier this year. It's the poorest country in Europe, she stayed with a peasant family for 10 days (turnip soup for breakfast) and commented that their baby NEVER cried, was always attended to, cuddled & was happy all the time. Jean Liedloff (Continuum Concept) says thatthe babies she saw in the rainforet never cried, they were always there with the mother, on their hip or in the hammock with them at night, and I bet our cave-dwelling ancestors didn't leave their babies to cry.

belgo · 28/11/2007 09:19

Well I was obviously doing something very wrong them because my kids both cried. DD1 especially - solidly for 12 hours on one occasion. And on average five hours a day. And this was despite me being into attachment parenting.

TheStepfordChav · 28/11/2007 09:23

My dd cried too, from colic, but the point is that some societies don't leave babies to cry. We do.

yurt1 · 28/11/2007 09:23

When ds3 was little I would chuck him on my back so I could meet ds1's bus (on my front when he was little). It was around a time when he slept. He would always cry to sleep- even whilst stuck on me.

Of course it's the OP's baby- she can ask what she likes. I personally wouldn't look after a baby I was told wasn't allowed to cry themselves to sleep, whether it was my grandchild or not. (I would leave them crying if they were cold/hungry/needed entertaining/a nappy change- but I would if they needed a sleep)

yurt1 · 28/11/2007 09:24

Anyway you can't draw much from one baby. DS1 never cried either. He just smiled the whole time.

belgo · 28/11/2007 09:25

I never left dd1 to cry, never. My point it that pushing a crying baby in a pram is often a good thing, it helps them to stop crying, when all else fails (even co-sleeping and using a sling didn't always stop her from crying).

yurt1 · 28/11/2007 09:27

I'm reading you belgo..... Pram or sling in my case. Or car!

belgo · 28/11/2007 09:30

oh, I remember dd1 crying so much in the car....I even learnt to bf her when she was in the car seat and I was sat next to her with a seat belt on...now that is a useful trick! Anything to stop her crying.

Some babies just cry. And cry and cry and cry.
It even gave me tinnutus. Gosh this is bringing back memories...

TheStepfordChav · 28/11/2007 09:31

To qualify - some of us do. I heard 'It's good for their lungs' when I was in hospital with a newborn...

belgo · 28/11/2007 09:40

'it's good for their lungs' and 'you're spoiling that child' are two overly used phrases.

WinkyWinkola · 28/11/2007 09:47

I don't leave my babies to cry whether it's our society norm or not.

I don't think it's good for them. I would expect anyone who looks after my children - whether it's a favour or not - to respect my wishes.

Joppe · 28/11/2007 09:50

I haven't read the entire thread, but I completely agree with Winkywinkola, so I don't think you are unreasonable at all.

WinkyWinkola · 28/11/2007 09:53

I mean, if I can help them in any way I won't let them cry. Obviously some babies do just cry and cry.

BFing seems to help... .... Maybe your MIL could help in that department. I know one MIL who did just that much to the consternation of my friend. "But I was just trying to stop her crying," was the response.

Tortington · 28/11/2007 09:56

i think this is a storm in a tea cup

since when do people sit down with their in laws and say " this is my style of parenting....when babysitting you must not a...b...c " although i am sure there are some sad/anal people out there that do that - take this for what it is - a clash in parenting styles - she probably thought you needed a break and that your kid crying for a while wasn't going to turn her into a mass murderer - and probably that all children arnt so frickin precious that they shouldn't cry.

so next time - now you have learned from your lesson - dont ask her.

by the time your kid is 4 you might wish you had just a little more help.

macdoodle · 28/11/2007 10:02

emotional damage?? from being wheeled in a buggy by her granny who obviously loves her...oh come on a serious case of PFB methinks ..you are making a rod for your own back ...is she permanently joined to you...harsh maybe but come on..being beaten with a wooden spoon is likely to cause emotional damage this is not ??? sorry

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