... to think MIL shouldn't have left DD to cry? Honest views please...

[GogoTheSmall]

I would really appreciate some honest views as to whether I am over-reacting about this. I suppose the key question is whether leaving an 8 month old baby to cry for longer than 15 minutes is OK.

Yesterday MIL took DD on a walk so I could do some housework. This is a big favour to me I know, although to be honest MIL is always desperate to take her for a walk as it is the only time she has DD to herself (DD bf, won't take bottle, only ever wants to be held by me and DH, hence no real babysitting opportunities).

Before they left I asked her to please bring DD back if she was upset. MIL agreed. They were gone for nearly two hours so I thought great, they are getting on.

But when they turned up DD was in floods of tears. MIL announced cheerily, 'Oh, she's been crying like the rain!'

Turns out that DD burst into tears the minute they left the house! But MIL thought she'd 'persevere' and after 20 minutes or so DD cried herself to sleep in the buggy.

She slept for most of the rest of the time, then woke up and began crying again at some unspecified time before MIL decided to finally bring her home.

I am not happy about this! It seems to me that there is an issue of trust here that MIL has broken. Controlled or uncontrolled crying is not part of DH's and my ideas about parenting, and leaving DD to cry herself to sleep is definitely not on.

On the other hand, I do accept that she did me a big favour by taking her out in the first place. And DD was so pleased to see me, she has been an absolute dream since! I keep thinking that it might cause some kind of emotional harm to her development - probably not too damaging, I know, but harm nonetheless.

WWYD in this situation? ATM I have definite qualms about trusting MIL again.

I remember when dd was a couple of weeks old my dad offered to look after her while I had a shower. I admit I took my time in the shower as was enjoying knowing that there was someone there looking after dd and I didn't really have to rush.

When I got out of the shower I heard dd screaming her head off but stopped myself from rushing straight downstairs assuming that my dad would be trying to comfort her. When I went downstairs though I found dd sat red faced crying those horrible chokey sobs in her bouncy chair while my dad did the crossword! I picked her up and she stopped immediately, I asked him how long she had been crying and he said pretty much from when I went upstairs, so I apologised and said she would normally stop ok as soon as she was picked up/winded etc. He then told me he hadn't tried picking her up as he didn't want to spoil her and she needed to learn. I was fuming!

She then started screaming everytime I put her down for the next 2 days so although there might not have been any long term effects she was definitely traumatised in the short term!

My parents were around a lot in the early days (we were lodging with them) so they knew I didn't believe in leaving her to cry and it was really as though he was deliberately undermining my parenting. At the same time I didn't feel I could say too much because he had been doing me a favour by looking after her and I had taken my time.

Part of me wishes I had said more at the time though because I haven't ever left dd with him again without my mum there and don't really feel able to-even now she is 18 months old and doesn't really cry. I can't help feeling like if I did he wouldn't respond to her needs (eg she only cries if she has a pooey nappy, is overtired or hurts herself but he might just ignore her or tell her off)

haven't read the whole of this thread.

i don't think yabu - but only from the perspective that your MIL didn't respect your wishes.

Re. your DD crying - i think i would go insane if DS was only content around DH and myself. i would go as far as encouraging family to take him out if they could cope with the crying so that he got used to being with people other than us. IMO your DD hadn't been left alone, there was a familiar face so no harm was done.

i would think on some level, your MIL feels you are making a rod for your back through DD being so clingy to you and in her own way is trying to help you.

Yes you are being unreasonable
It will have done her no harm.
let your mil form her own relationship with her gg, how can she if you are being, well, very precious

YANBU.

Plenty of time for MIL to form her relationship with DD. And hopefully it won't involve crying next time. I'd just keep your her with you and MIL in future until she's used to other people.

I think people expect a lot from little kids - i.e. to get used to different people quickly. If you can take your time to get DD used to different folk, avoid stressing you both out and avoid situations where you might have to upset MIL too by saying you weren't happy then surely that's the best option?

I feel for mums whose anxieties are dismissed as pfb. I think it's so natural to be anxious about your first baby.

The thing is, a baby that age doesn't have much sense of past and future. If you disappear, as far as they're concerned, you've died.

Ridiculous, yes, but that's how it seems to them and I'd feel uncomfortable about dismissing a baby's feelings outright.

I think it takes quite a lot of going away and coming back before they learn that you do always come back.

I spent a lot of time leaving the room saying to dd1 "I'm coming back" and then coming back a few seconds later, to get her used to the idea.

She still panicked.... [sigh]

But when she was older, approaching 2 I think, I was able to leave her and she would say "mummy coming back" and be ok. So I think we got there in the end.

my nearly 2 year old dd pops her head round the door and shouts 'TWO MINUTES!' and then runs away again... i fear she has heard this from me a lot.