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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel dissatisfied with my marriage and lovely husband today.

126 replies

Galaxyfiend · 29/07/2021 12:24

DH is amazing, I know so many people I know would be shouting 'what are you thinking, you're so lucky, he's a good man' if they could see this post. However I just need to vent.

He's such an amazing person, he's kind, caring, solvent, has carved himself out a good, professional career through sheer grit and determination, which I'm so proud of him for, he's the most intelligent person I know, and the most talented. He absolutely adores me and is such a kind and supportive partner. He's physically attractive and fit.

However, like everyone he's not without his flaws. He can be very boring sometimes, I know that sounds harsh and it is, but he has a tendency to drone on and on about the most inconsequential of things; I know my friends and family find this aspect of him difficult as I can see them getting disinterested and their eyes wandering after 5/10 minutes once he's in the full throes of whatever he's discussing. I really think he's on the spectrum as he gets really annoyed if things aren't done exactly his way and how he would do them, this in turn leads him to going on and on and on how he can't understand why people don't do this instead of that, blah blah. It drives me (and others I'm sure) crazy.

Socially in terms of making plans, well he doesn't. We would have zero social life if it was left to him. I am the one who constantly organises every weekend for us either with other people or just us 2. He never seems to want to go out and do anything, I mean he'll do things if I want to/ arrange them but otherwise he just spends his time doing DIY around the house and watching tv. We're mid 30's, no kids yet, this isn't the life I want at the moment. We've been together just under 9 years and ever since I met him he's gone on about all these 'hobbies' he'd like to take up and do, all these things he'd like to do. There's always been an excuse as to why he can't, sometimes there's been plausible reasons but they're reasons that wouldn't stop other people doing things (work, DIY needing doing on the house etc)

Anything needs fixing/ doing around the house and he's on it, he's so good in that respect, but he's SO messy and untidy. We've had so many discussions about it over the years but always to no avail, he'll be a bit tidier for a while but then it's back to the same old and me clearing up after him as I can't abide living in an untidy/ dirty house.

He's incredibly cautious tight when it comes to money too which can be really tiresome as (admittedly thanks to him) we have a very healthy 5 figure sum in savings in the bank and are fine financially but he likes to make out we're practically on the breadline sometimes which is just laughable Hmm

I woke up feeling meh. Don't know how else to describe it. I woke up yearning to be dressed up on a night out, catching attractive men's eyes, flirting, feeling attractive and having some EXCITMENT in my life. I woke up wanting to be married to someone who doesn't have ANY bad points (I know this is impossible) who I look at and instantly want to rip their clothes off, who I can't get enough of, who doesn't irritate me.

I feel fucking awful for having those thoughts and it's the first time I've really thought like this, I don't know if it's hormones or not but I just feel fed up in my marriage today.

I think a holiday or something would help us as we've done nothing now for nearly 2 years, we haven't been anywhere or had a change of scenery. It's just been the same old drudgery, day in, day out. However, I won't even bother suggesting it as he would, just say no we can't afford it, despite our tens of thousands of pounds in the bank in savings.

I feel suffocated, my chest feels tight. I don't know what's wrong with me, he's a good man, he adores me, he'd never cheat on me, he's attentive in bed, he's good looking. I absolutely don't think I'd meet anyone 'better', I don't want to end my marriage I'm just bored and restless today and we don't even have kids! I thought these feelings were only really felt by people who have kids and have kinda lost their marriage a bit along the way, we have no excuses.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:
cosima8 · 29/07/2021 12:46

It’s a rare woman whose husband doesn’t get on her nerves occasionally OP! I would just book a holiday and go easy on yourself. Probably you’ll be feeling differently about things in a few days.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 12:55

That sounds really difficult. It's a gilded cage, isn't it? You're solvent, but you are bored. He's a good guy, but rigid in his thinking. Do you want to have children with him?

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 12:56

If you think he is on the autistic spectrum, his caution with money could be due to anxiety rather than meanness.

ThePlantsitter · 29/07/2021 12:58

Feeling like this now and then it's basically what marriage is like to my mind. Book yourself a few days away and if you're not pleased to see him when you get back you know you need to do something.

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2021 13:00

Talk to him about it? Lay it on the line?

Deloresabernathy · 29/07/2021 13:02

I'd leave him over the money situation TBH.
If you have five figures in the bank but he won't book a holiday, what is he going to be like if you had kids needing new school uniform every five minutes?

If he never wants to go out now, how's he going to manage with kids wanting to get out every day?

Comedycook · 29/07/2021 13:03

Honestly, if I was you, I'd only bother staying if I had kids. It doesnt sound so awful it's worth breaking up a family for, but hey, if I didn't have kids, I'd be off.

RedHelenB · 29/07/2021 13:03

I think you need to spread your wings. You'll always be dissatisfied, and if you have children you'll feel even more hemmed in if your th doesn't want to socialise.

Comedycook · 29/07/2021 13:04

Oh and being solvent is not a good point of that person is a miser. Generousity is a character trait and an attractive one

RatherBeRiding · 29/07/2021 13:06

Do YOU have any hobbies? Maybe you need to start doing your own thing a bit more

ComDummings · 29/07/2021 13:09

Communicate this to him. It’s difficult but you sound so down about it, do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life? No way! Sometimes relationships can be ‘fixed’ and evolve but you have to be honest with him about how you feel and what will make you feel better. Also sometimes relationships just run their course and that’s OK too.

Teacupsandtoast · 29/07/2021 13:13

If he wants to potter at home at the weekend, let him! You go and organise something fun for YOU.

Galaxyfiend · 29/07/2021 13:15

Yes, I have my own hobbies and social life, we certainly don’t spend every waking minute together. He does his own thing occasionally at weekends with his friends if I’m busy with mine etc. But it is me that has to organise anything we do together, after 9 years I’m tired of it. I’d love for him to occasionally say ‘oh I’ve booked for us to do X, Y & Z this weekend.’

I don’t know what to say about the money thing tbh, everyone that knows him knows how cautious he is about money, but tbh his friends and family are all pretty similar in terms of their attitudes towards money so he perceives it as normal.

My family and friends all have more my attitude towards money so I guess I perceive that to be normal. A balance between the 2 is provably what is actually normal.

I know he’d never see a child of ours go without, he’s not tight like that, it’s hard to explain.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 29/07/2021 13:17

Many years ago I left a relationship that, like yours, was great on paper, but I was so bored I could scream. I finally ended it as I couldn't imagine this being the rest of my life. People were upset with me and said I'd never find anyone better, no one is perfect etc etc. For some years I thought they were right!

But then I did meet my now DH and we've been ridiculously happy together for 15 years. No he is not perfect either but he's so funny and interesting and we've had a lot of adventures and fun.

There is no guarantee you will find someone else of course, but if you feel this way now it's not likely to change, it will just get worse.

AuldFox · 29/07/2021 13:19

Best bit of advice I got was not to marry a man that looks good on paper but who bores you senseless. It leads to contempt. You’ve settled for someone who adores you, but it doesn’t sound like you adore him. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

My husband is not perfect. Sometimes he’s downright annoying. But sometimes we stay up hours too late chatting and planning and dreaming about our next adventure together. We’ve been married decades, and it’s gone by in a flash. I wish the same for you.

AuldFox · 29/07/2021 13:21

@dreamingbohemian you and I have practically said the same thing at the same time!

spinningspaniels · 29/07/2021 13:22

In the words of Maya Angelou - My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Never ignore your gut. It's screaming at you for a reason Flowers

Galaxyfiend · 29/07/2021 13:23

I honestly think this is one of the hardest things about relationships and life, you never truly know how ‘normal’ it is to feel this way, you never truly know how other people’s relationships are and what they’re willing to put up with and compromise on, may not be what you’re willing to compromise on.

He is perfect in so many ways to me but if I was to change things about him it would be 1) that he was less serious and more spontaneous and 2) less worried/ tight about money all the time.

I feel like if I walk away from this marriage based on those 2 things it would be such a waste and I would miss him, the thought of anything happening to him and him not being in my life leaves me cold. But these 2 things do make me unhappy and I’m not sure they’re something that he can change.

OP posts:
DameCelia · 29/07/2021 13:29

@Galaxyfiend if he does have ASD that is who he is and changing him, even if you could, is likely to be very distressing for him.
You need to decide whether you are happy to continue with what you have, or make changes to the way you live that don't impact on him to meet your needs, or leave.

Dozer · 29/07/2021 13:29

Those ‘flaws’ are not minor ones IMO, whatever his good qualities.

Teawhite1 · 29/07/2021 13:29

I think dreamingbohemian actually hits the nail on the head - she met someone funny and interesting. I think fun and laughter is the most important part of marriage. If you can laugh together, you can get through the most dreary parts of life! A shared attitude to money is also important. Always being cautious is fine if that suits you but is soul destroying for someone who wants to spend and experience things and doesn't need a certain amount of savings to feel safe and happy. Life is so short and its certainly not easy to leave a marriage but maybe you need to have a really serious heart to heart. Explain how you feel, that you get one life and you want to live it! Ask him to be brave and step outside his comfort zone. If he really can't, you may have a bigger problem. Good luck!!

Dozer · 29/07/2021 13:30

Poor social skills and negativity about others not being like him, rigidity, disinclination to do things you’d enjoy, tight with money.

Things like rigidity will increase risk he’ll struggle with parenting too.

ZenNudist · 29/07/2021 13:33

Do you enjoy spending time together?

Most men are crap at organising social life.

The money thing could be remedied by spending "your" money whilst he saves for retirement??

If you want kids and are mid 30s you have little time. Equally a bad idea to have kids with someone who annoys you.

ufucoffee · 29/07/2021 13:35

No one is perfect OP. He may have as many criticisms of you. I can't stand my OH sometimes but life ebbs and flows and things are both good and bad at different times. What would happen if you said but we can afford a holiday and point out that can afford a holiday? If his good points outweigh his bad ones you're on to a good thing.

MatildaTheCat · 29/07/2021 13:37

Unfortunately I think you’ve picked the two issues that are most unlikely to change. With persistence you might get him to be more tidy but money attitudes and spontaneity and being a fun person are character traits that are ingrained, maybe genetic. If you tried to force that he’d resent you as much as if he tried to fundamentally alter you.

You need to communicate with him and explain you need some more fun. If, for instance you were to agree to be the social diarist maybe he could try to be open to your ideas and join in with grace?

Maybe explain that sometimes people just want a short answer and you wouldn’t want him to seem boring- maybe have a secret cue to let him know that he’s droning? I can’t believe he’s got to this age without ever having been told some of this before.

If he’s open to some changes maybe you’ve got hope. If you can learn to love some of these quirks again ditto.

NB one of my friends has been waiting 35 years to replace their 60 year old bathroom. Not fun.