To feel dissatisfied with my marriage and lovely husband today.

[Galaxyfiend]

DH is amazing, I know so many people I know would be shouting 'what are you thinking, you're so lucky, he's a good man' if they could see this post. However I just need to vent.

He's such an amazing person, he's kind, caring, solvent, has carved himself out a good, professional career through sheer grit and determination, which I'm so proud of him for, he's the most intelligent person I know, and the most talented. He absolutely adores me and is such a kind and supportive partner. He's physically attractive and fit.

However, like everyone he's not without his flaws. He can be very boring sometimes, I know that sounds harsh and it is, but he has a tendency to drone on and on about the most inconsequential of things; I know my friends and family find this aspect of him difficult as I can see them getting disinterested and their eyes wandering after 5/10 minutes once he's in the full throes of whatever he's discussing. I really think he's on the spectrum as he gets really annoyed if things aren't done exactly his way and how he would do them, this in turn leads him to going on and on and on how he can't understand why people don't do this instead of that, blah blah. It drives me (and others I'm sure) crazy.

Socially in terms of making plans, well he doesn't. We would have zero social life if it was left to him. I am the one who constantly organises every weekend for us either with other people or just us 2. He never seems to want to go out and do anything, I mean he'll do things if I want to/ arrange them but otherwise he just spends his time doing DIY around the house and watching tv. We're mid 30's, no kids yet, this isn't the life I want at the moment. We've been together just under 9 years and ever since I met him he's gone on about all these 'hobbies' he'd like to take up and do, all these things he'd like to do. There's always been an excuse as to why he can't, sometimes there's been plausible reasons but they're reasons that wouldn't stop other people doing things (work, DIY needing doing on the house etc)

Anything needs fixing/ doing around the house and he's on it, he's so good in that respect, but he's SO messy and untidy. We've had so many discussions about it over the years but always to no avail, he'll be a bit tidier for a while but then it's back to the same old and me clearing up after him as I can't abide living in an untidy/ dirty house.

He's incredibly cautious tight when it comes to money too which can be really tiresome as (admittedly thanks to him) we have a very healthy 5 figure sum in savings in the bank and are fine financially but he likes to make out we're practically on the breadline sometimes which is just laughable

I woke up feeling meh. Don't know how else to describe it. I woke up yearning to be dressed up on a night out, catching attractive men's eyes, flirting, feeling attractive and having some EXCITMENT in my life. I woke up wanting to be married to someone who doesn't have ANY bad points (I know this is impossible) who I look at and instantly want to rip their clothes off, who I can't get enough of, who doesn't irritate me.

I feel fucking awful for having those thoughts and it's the first time I've really thought like this, I don't know if it's hormones or not but I just feel fed up in my marriage today.

I think a holiday or something would help us as we've done nothing now for nearly 2 years, we haven't been anywhere or had a change of scenery. It's just been the same old drudgery, day in, day out. However, I won't even bother suggesting it as he would, just say no we can't afford it, despite our tens of thousands of pounds in the bank in savings.

I feel suffocated, my chest feels tight. I don't know what's wrong with me, he's a good man, he adores me, he'd never cheat on me, he's attentive in bed, he's good looking. I absolutely don't think I'd meet anyone 'better', I don't want to end my marriage I'm just bored and restless today and we don't even have kids! I thought these feelings were only really felt by people who have kids and have kinda lost their marriage a bit along the way, we have no excuses.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I do get what you mean 100%. Passion and excitement and laughter and shared interests are fantastic to have.

However I am divorced and at the stage in life where I would just like someone safe and sensible as a partner to grow old with. There’s a lot to be said for that.

What are your plans for children in the future?

We are so similar in so many ways, we share the same values, political views, views in how we’d want to raise children etc. We have similar outlooks on life.

We’ve just started trying for a family, in our second month of trying.

He’s absolutely fantastic with kids, he’s silly, fun, interested, engaging etc. All of our friends kids and any kids in our families adore him.

We have 2 dogs and he’s brilliant with them, kind, loving.

I watched that sex/ life programme on Netflix last week and, apart from the kids thing, truly felt like it could’ve been my life that was being depicted.

I think sometimes, there are things in our partner that we sort of ignore becaus of all the good points. And then at some point, the same things we have been able to ignore are becoming all encompassing and impossible to ignore anymore.

If you are getting that anxious that your chest feels tight and you feel suffocated, then there is an issue that REALLY needs to be addressed.
The fact it seems to be happening just when you are starting to conceive is a big red flag for me too. Red flag in that it would make me really reconsider the whole situation. Is he the right person to have a child with? are you happy to have a child? etc....

Fwiw I've been in the situation where I tried to ignore some 'bad points' because there was so many good ones.
I tried to remember that the lack of spontaneity meant a stable person and that was worth its weight of gold etc...

20 years on, I think it was the wrong choice and I should have listened to my heart and my body (I had similar 'physical' signs things werent right). Rightly or wrongly, there were things that were important TO ME even if, on paper, someone else might have discounted them as non important/superflous iyswim

Sounds like you are fed up and need a holiday. Can you propose a (or surprise him with) an inexpensive few days away somewhere? Not dipping into your savings, but just some time together?

OP, what would you like from this thread? Reassurance that others live lives like this? Advice to leave or advice for how to make the best of this situation?

My advice is to decide what you can live with and what you can’t. If there’s any way you can work with your DH regarding the money situation then that would be good. I think the boredom issue has probably been exacerbated due to Covid but now life is opening up things could improve.

Have you chatted this through openly with a close friend who knows you both? It might be interesting to get their view on you both.

Ask him spend some money on a holiday! Ridiculous not to have life’s pleasures with thousands in the bank

I hope your partner hasn't read your post, as he sounds like a really decent man. You should not be picking out the parts of him , that you find irritating and not perfect for you.

Marriages need working at, and you should realise that two partners are not identical in their ways, and there are differences between people, in how they think, and do things., which can make it more interesting. You maybe are not thinking about all the people who are with a partner, who they cannot stand to be with, for various nasty reasons, as opposed to you, with a lovely sensible Husband, as you say.

@1forAll74

I hope your partner hasn't read your post, as he sounds like a really decent man. You should not be picking out the parts of him , that you find irritating and not perfect for you.

Marriages need working at, and you should realise that two partners are not identical in their ways, and there are differences between people, in how they think, and do things., which can make it more interesting. You maybe are not thinking about all the people who are with a partner, who they cannot stand to be with, for various nasty reasons, as opposed to you, with a lovely sensible Husband, as you say.

I am sure from the OP that @Galaxyfiend knows all that tbh.

It's very clear that the OP AT THE SAME TIME knows how lucky she is, that he is a good man blablabla.
But that's not going to change the way she feels about things just now. That's not goingto change the anxiety and the tight chest. That's not going to change the fact she is feleing down about things.

making her feel guilty about her feelings isn't helpful. And won't help her sort out what's going on. It's the equivalent of 'the situation isn't that bad. Just man up!'.

Since you don't have kids together, sure, why not, go ahead and LTB, it's only the two of you whose lives would be impacted.

How highly do I rate your chances of finding an upgrade that ticks all of the boxes you've set out above? Not particularly highly, but there is definitely a 'non zero' chance.

OP you have described my husband down to a t. The only differences are mine doesn't really go on about hobbies he'd like to do, he's just happy with what he does now ( which isn't much). Also we are both as messy as each other. Mine does most of the house /car/bills admin. I've never even considered leaving him, we are very much in love after 20 years together. I like planning so it suits us OK, although a few years ago I asked him to plan a weekend away, which he did, but he found it so stressful! He did really try though and it was lovely. To give you a different perspective, we have children, and he is the best father, always making sure they have enough both now and in the future, and doing his fair share with them if not more. He has gotten better at planning things as we don't like being stuck in the house with the children, he wouldn't go to the extent of booking somewhere but he'll check out who's free for a walk amongst kiddie friends and take them out. With the whirlwind that having a family brings I'm more grateful than ever for a dependable, stable man who adores all of us and would ( I hope) never let us down. I feel very lucky.

It might be helpful to unpick for yourself why you think an understanding of what other people consider normal would help you, OP? Will other people saying they would feel the same give you confidence to leave or force a change? If no one felt the same, would it make you feel better?

Good luck.

Whilst I agree marriages need working and compromise is key, I think the mismatch on finances is a big issue. I think to have a very big cushion of savings and not enjoy some of it or go on holiday is rather joyless.

I really think you should hold off on any baby plans for a few months at the very least and talk to your DH about the money and even the lack of spontaneity. Prepare to meet him half way, agree to keeping an adequate buffer of money but say you don’t want to just exist, you want to live a little and holiday and enjoy the occasional nice dinner out. If he can’t agree to that then I’d rethink things. Life is very short never to have some fun and adventure if you have the wherewithal.

Just to add with the money thing, what works for us is, we save for dozens of different things each month eg holidays, cars, birthday, new TV whatever, so there's x amount per year for those things which doesn't dip into anything else. We have an emergency fund too. Each of us has £100 per month to spend as we please, I spend mine on coffees and cake with friends, books, clothes and I don't feel guilty as I know its my money. If theres something for the house I really want that I know he won't go for I'll just buy it out of that.i don't know what he does with his, probably puts it into his pension and buys the odd bit of outdoor clothing.

It sounds like you are bored. If you spoke with your husband about needing more stimulation would he go with it.

Only you can decide if you can live with his “flaws” or not. Marriage is about compromise, you will find annoyances and niggles with most people. You probably have “flaws” too. The key thing is whether these issues are things that you cannot live with or compromise with your DH on. For example, you have an expensive holiday every other year, or you agree to organise things you want to do?

If he is not spontaneous, then he can’t give you that which is not there. If he likes to potter/be at home, then that should be fine too. Not everyone is adventurous. If he is on the spectrum, being “adventurous” or “spontaneous” may be something which would cause him real anxiety. If so, would you want that for him, just to please you? If these are fundamental personality traits, they will be hard to change. Love him for who he is, or don’t- and move on.

Similarly, how would you feel if he said you were to outgoing/flaky/ridiculously frivolous with money etc? Would you want to change some major things about you to please him?

I would hold off having children with him if you aren’t sure about your relationship. The last thing a rocky marriage needs is a baby.

Your DH sounds like a good, decent man, so if you don’t want to stay in this relationship you should do the decent thing and end it- don’t leave him hanging/string him along just in case you don’t find “someone better”- he deserves to be loved for who he is, the good and the flaws, not tolerated until someone more fun comes along.

Lots of people, me included, don’t view foreign holidays as an essential- I enjoy them and do go on them, but would not spend a fortune on them very often either.

Have you ever loved him? If he’s going to be a great dad, you might end up falling in love with him all over again. Loads of people have fun exciting relationships then they have kids and realise their exciting thrill seeking husband is actually a selfish prick that’s off playing sport or doing his hobbies all weekend and doesn’t give 2 shits about spending time with the kids. My DH is an introvert with very few hobbies but he’s a fantastic husband and dad and we all know that he puts us first.

I'll be frank with you OP. Having kids will test the strongest relationship. If there are cracks, doubts or niggles now, these will become enormous when you are both sleep deprived, with no time to yourselves and up to your eyes in nappies.

How will your life change when you have children?

You are bored now but you certainly won’t be when you have dc.

If you are definitely not happy with him why are you ttc?

On the other hand if you think he will be a good parent do you just need to move on to the next stage in life together by having children?

I’d love for him to occasionally say ‘oh I’ve booked for us to do X, Y & Z this weekend.’

I think you should forget this expectation. It's not who he is and you're setting yourself up for glass half-empty misery. You're the one who books those things. He probably wouldn't bother or even want to if you didn't. It's a partnership and people bring different things to it. It sounds like he has a lot of good qualities and a few bad ones, same as the rest of us. And he can't be all things to you. Some aspects of life you need to get fulfilled by your friends instead. As for the money side of things, you're half the partnership so can have some say in what you spend on. So you have to push back, and there's likely a balance between what he wants and what you want. Communicate rather than stew on it, and address things that bug you before you have DC and things get exacerbated by stress. But don't dwell on his flaws for the sake of it and don't pin your hopes on him changing. You know who he is.

After 20 months of lockdown with the sane person don't most of us, at times, just find our partner boring or driving on about something he would normally tell others about but we are all there is right now.

If he had always bored you, that's different.

I also organise most stuff, he is happy to attend and let me plan it all. Never saw it as a flaw. Means I can do mostly stuff I like.

Another point worth thinking about is that youdon't really have loads of savings if he won't let you have any say in how it's spent. He treats this money as his own not your joint money no matter what he might say, and that attitude will only become worse if you were to give up or reduce your work and income if you had kids. I think that would be very difficult.

Why don't you communicate your thoughts with him? Surely that's what happens in a marriage why are you scared to say what you feel? Discuss it see if in time anything changes and if it doesn't you've got your answer.

IMHO you feelings are real and carry weight and need addressing - I get the impression you are too much in awe of him or perhaps a little insecure because of a feeling of dependence on him - I still think you have to stand your ground, argue your points and make it clear you think he has things to work on that are important because they are important to you - he's lucky to have someone like you who has put up with a lob-sided relationship - from what you say he's clearly a decent guy with a lot of plus points but it sounds like he could easily and "should" work on a few issues that really matter to you - just call him out on it.

He might well be entrenched in a way of thinking and acting that has brought him a lot of success in some areas of his life; maybe he just needs to be pushed out of it for a minute to see things the way you do - you should be able confront issues in a relationship without feeling it's going to detonate the whole thing - this is what adults do - it's not like two 5-year old arguing over who gets to have a go on the new bike first - just make it easy for him by being really really clear about what the solutions are (to the problem) - make it seem achievable(if it is). I think good friends - and hopefully there is genuine friendship at the heart of what you have - should step up and say what needs saying - my wife will tell me if I'm being boring in company - and I know she's probably right - it happens - it's not a problem - she's like my personal meerkat lookout - she lets me know when I'm going wrong in life - she is a more intuitive and people-smart person that I am - hopefully your guy can recognise his own limitations and your strengths - (I suspect he can but he's so locked in to his own way of seeing the world all the time) have you ever asked him about this - does he realise there are weak areas of your relationship and can he work out his part in it? He sounds like a good guy to me but maybe you just haven't talked to him enough and made him totally aware of your needs and aspirations - I can't emphasise enough the need to be really clear about what you want - don't pussyfoot around - tell him straight.

Most of us need a break from home - IMHO you should be using some money to make memories - doing things in your life - that you will want to remember. I'm trying to sort out a days gliding experience for my wife - just for her - not me - I know she will love it. I don't see why you can't just go ahead and book something that you want to do - I know you want him to take the initiative but can't you tell him that if he's not going to sort anything out, you will.