Page 4 | To feel dissatisfied with my marriage and lovely husband today.

Original poster

Galaxyfiend · 29/07/2021 17:42

Can we not cling onto the ASD thing please, I have no idea if he is, it’s just certain traits make me think he could be.

OP posts:

Nayday · 29/07/2021 17:58

You can't change or control who, what or how he behaves, but you can change what you do.

There are tonnes of positives in your post re your marriage - and crucially you want a life with him in it.

You can go on holiday, you can agree with him how much of the savings can be spent and replenished, you can unpick what your boredom contains and get more of what you lack in your life - if what you lack is experiences and doing, it's all in your gift. It's not 'conventional' - but what's to stop you going on holiday alone/with friends/ in groups. Going out more. Just because you're married doesn't mean you need to wait for him to do things? There are plenty of marriages that thrive in this way (yes there are some that end too).

If what you really lack is a partner to do all that with, and you actually need/want that - then by doing that you'll know, and it will be sad but you'll know it's what you need from a partner. Or you might build a life that suits you both.

Stop waiting and give yourself some air OP ... Your marriage might be even better for it.

peaceanddove · 29/07/2021 18:04

There should be more to your life than just feeling like you're only existing and going through the motions. Your DH should enhance your life and make it better. If they don't, then what's the point of having them in your life?

I have been with DH nearly 30 years, and God knows he can still drive me up the wall at times (as I do him). But, it doesn't matter because he still makes me giggle every day and the sex is still great. And, he never ever bores me.

Tiddleandplonk · 29/07/2021 18:12

Similar dh here. In that doesnt pln things . We never have things tp lool.forward to unless i plan ir.
However , i had a very difficult childhood and needed someone stable and i also.got.borimg .
Its balancing the pay offs in the relationship id say.

Its normal ro.have some boredom id say .

What do you get from the relationship ?

peaceanddove · 29/07/2021 18:15

OP having read the whole thread now I can clearly see that your DH isn't wrong. But, I can also clearly see that neither is he right for you.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 29/07/2021 18:50

Yikes, before baby making goes any further you need to sit and have a chat.

How are you going to sort financials on maternity leave? What about buying expensive things like prams etc? Will he resent paying for fun stuff like soft play etc?

This is a huge thing, you need to lay it all on the line now before you are trapped.

twinkledag · 29/07/2021 18:54

I'd be VERY surprised if there was anyone who didn't feel like you after lockdown and watching Sex/Life!

therocinante · 29/07/2021 19:00

Don't have children just yet. My DH drives me absolutely insane sometimes (I also suspected he was not neurotypical, he was diagnosed 2 years after we met) and he isn't 'perfect' but God I am never, ever bored. I never look ahead with dread and wonder if I can do another 4 or 5 decades with him.

I'm not saying my marriage is perfect, it's absolutely not. But for me the bare minimum would be holding onto the fact that I really genuinely like him and his personality and his company and even on our worst days I can't ever imagine life without him.

Communicate with him properly. Ask for what you want and need. If he can accommodate that and is willing to, you can see how those changes affect how you feel - it could be that you're just in a rut and you need to actively nurture your relationship, which is fixable and fine! And if he isn't willing or able to change things then you accept how he is and will be forever or you have to decide to move on.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 29/07/2021 19:03

So you are skint until pay day and he has thousands in the bank???? He doesn't allow holidays, he bores you , are you sure he is a lovely husband?

notanothertakeaway · 29/07/2021 19:12

@peaceanddove

OP having read the whole thread now I can clearly see that your DH isn't wrong. But, I can also clearly see that neither is he right for you.

Woah @peaceanddove you can't possibly have enough info to say that OP and her DH are clearly not right for each other!

Summerdayshaze · 29/07/2021 19:17

I’d leave him. Better now than if you have children. It’ll never get any better.

billy1966 · 29/07/2021 19:38

@Christinayangtwistedsister

So you are skint until pay day and he has thousands in the bank???? He doesn't allow holidays, he bores you , are you sure he is a lovely husband?

That's about it.

Extraordinary what some women describe as "lovely".

Certainly not a word I would use to describe him.

Comedycook · 29/07/2021 19:40

Don't have a baby with him. You'll have a miserable maternity leave where you are forced to live on smp and won't even be able afford a coffee with friends whilst he sits on thousands.

Nayday · 29/07/2021 19:45

Hmm, reassessing my pp as just seen the separate finance thing...seems out of kilter to have one person 'skint' until payday when there's no need in terms of the household. and you needing to clarify whether he's paying, seems very separate. Whatever works but something to bear in mind if you do have kids e.g having to ask for money and how he would be about that? I get that you've been studying but I'd be sharing with my DH not expecting him to struggle with lots in the bank.

Nayday · 29/07/2021 19:52

Definitely sort the money thing before you have kids OP. You mentioned your savings as in 'we' but then clarified that they're actually his and you have no access to any of 'his' money. This is a huge form of control. By controlling this you have no say in significant purchases, not even on a holiday. No wonder you are feeling suffocated.
Your marriage may be absolutely fine but please know that dealing with money/relationship issues is harder after having a baby. Have you had a conversation about how your maternity leave will be funded, will you have access to his accounts, an allowance (who decides how much), or will you need to ask him. It's not about being grabby but making sure you're not left in a vunerable position.

colouringindoors · 29/07/2021 19:56

Hmmm. Please stop ttc. The strength of your physical sensations are significant - listen to your body.

I'm not convinced he's So lovely if he lives of his £90k pa and you live off your salary (assuming its less).

I think the financial tightness and boredom are Really big issues. I'm not sure you want to spend the next 3, 4, 5 decades with this man. And that's ok. Better to decide that now than 5, 10 years down the line when you have kids.

I'd suggest you book a weekend away for the two of you and really talk.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 29/07/2021 22:07

OP I think you have made the same mistake that so many married couples do, in that you have seriously failed to communicate with your partner what you want and need out of life. You say 'I mean he would say ‘joint savings’ but they’re not really. We’re married but he saved all the money so they’re his savings really, I don’t have access to them or any of the accounts.' However, I get the impression that you've never actually asked him if you could have your name on the savings accounts, you've just assumed that as he's saved the money that it's his, and yet he's probably thinking, as you acknowledge, that the money is joint, so why don't you just ask him to put your name on the accounts too, so that when you want to organise a nice treat for the pair of you, that you have the funds to do so. If he won't do this, and says 'but it's MY savings' then you know that it's time to LTB, but at least talk to him about it.

I also think that you've hit the same problem that many couples hit, you've done things together over time, have fallen into a pattern of behaviour, and you're now bored. This often results in the partner who is bored, having an affair, which ultimately gets found out about, and then the relationship breaks down irretrievably. Please don't make this mistake - I did, and was VERY unhappy for a long time. Thankfully, I found someone else who I love very much, we've had our ups and downs, but this time I've worked through them, instead of getting tempted, by a different shade of grass, and am really happy, even after 30 years together. So please do be aware that the grass really isn't greener!! All relationships have boring spells, and that's when you work together to get through them, and it makes your relationship stronger.

Dogvmarmot · 29/07/2021 22:16

@Galaxyfiend

DH is amazing, I know so many people I know would be shouting 'what are you thinking, you're so lucky, he's a good man' if they could see this post. However I just need to vent.

He's such an amazing person, he's kind, caring, solvent, has carved himself out a good, professional career through sheer grit and determination, which I'm so proud of him for, he's the most intelligent person I know, and the most talented. He absolutely adores me and is such a kind and supportive partner. He's physically attractive and fit.

However, like everyone he's not without his flaws. He can be very boring sometimes, I know that sounds harsh and it is, but he has a tendency to drone on and on about the most inconsequential of things; I know my friends and family find this aspect of him difficult as I can see them getting disinterested and their eyes wandering after 5/10 minutes once he's in the full throes of whatever he's discussing. I really think he's on the spectrum as he gets really annoyed if things aren't done exactly his way and how he would do them, this in turn leads him to going on and on and on how he can't understand why people don't do this instead of that, blah blah. It drives me (and others I'm sure) crazy.

Socially in terms of making plans, well he doesn't. We would have zero social life if it was left to him. I am the one who constantly organises every weekend for us either with other people or just us 2. He never seems to want to go out and do anything, I mean he'll do things if I want to/ arrange them but otherwise he just spends his time doing DIY around the house and watching tv. We're mid 30's, no kids yet, this isn't the life I want at the moment. We've been together just under 9 years and ever since I met him he's gone on about all these 'hobbies' he'd like to take up and do, all these things he'd like to do. There's always been an excuse as to why he can't, sometimes there's been plausible reasons but they're reasons that wouldn't stop other people doing things (work, DIY needing doing on the house etc)

Anything needs fixing/ doing around the house and he's on it, he's so good in that respect, but he's SO messy and untidy. We've had so many discussions about it over the years but always to no avail, he'll be a bit tidier for a while but then it's back to the same old and me clearing up after him as I can't abide living in an untidy/ dirty house.

He's incredibly cautious tight when it comes to money too which can be really tiresome as (admittedly thanks to him) we have a very healthy 5 figure sum in savings in the bank and are fine financially but he likes to make out we're practically on the breadline sometimes which is just laughable

I woke up feeling meh. Don't know how else to describe it. I woke up yearning to be dressed up on a night out, catching attractive men's eyes, flirting, feeling attractive and having some EXCITMENT in my life. I woke up wanting to be married to someone who doesn't have ANY bad points (I know this is impossible) who I look at and instantly want to rip their clothes off, who I can't get enough of, who doesn't irritate me.

I feel fucking awful for having those thoughts and it's the first time I've really thought like this, I don't know if it's hormones or not but I just feel fed up in my marriage today.

I think a holiday or something would help us as we've done nothing now for nearly 2 years, we haven't been anywhere or had a change of scenery. It's just been the same old drudgery, day in, day out. However, I won't even bother suggesting it as he would, just say no we can't afford it, despite our tens of thousands of pounds in the bank in savings.

I feel suffocated, my chest feels tight. I don't know what's wrong with me, he's a good man, he adores me, he'd never cheat on me, he's attentive in bed, he's good looking. I absolutely don't think I'd meet anyone 'better', I don't want to end my marriage I'm just bored and restless today and we don't even have kids! I thought these feelings were only really felt by people who have kids and have kinda lost their marriage a bit along the way, we have no excuses.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

many DH are like this. amazing marriages are very rare. I socialising with lots of women and DH never are invited as they are not social - and yes social does sometimes include them. Its been a toughI couple of years - why don't you socialise with other women ie not couples. And it sounds like your money all goes in a joint account - why can't you open a separate savings account in your name and put a set amount in it for 'fun things'. If you end up with enough for a holiday then you can book it with or without him. or go out socially. Maybe try that and see if it works. If you are convinced you dont want children then its easier to walk away...thats really a decision only you can make.

Branleuse · 30/07/2021 10:14

obviously all relationships have to have compromise. People are not just a list of pros and cons. He sounds like a really practical hardworking guy that is very focussed on future stability. I think its normal that it would feel a bit boring at times. But then again, you say you plan things for the weekends and he is happy to do those things for you too.

I wonder what your communication is like? Do you think you could tell him openly what you want things to be like. That you NEED some more spontaneity and its feeling a bit suffocating that he wont let go and enjoy the present, and what can you do to compromise, or if you feel that youve already done most of the copmpromising, tell him what it is you need and want from life.
I dont think it sounds irrepairable tbh. I think he sounds devoted, but may need to let go and relax a bit

user1493494961 · 30/07/2021 10:37

I think you need a holiday.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/07/2021 10:40

@Galaxyfiend

I mean he would say ‘joint savings’ but they’re not really. We’re married but he saved all the money so they’re his savings really, I don’t have access to them or any of the accounts. We keep our finances pretty seperate.

I think it is because he earns more, has built up the savings pot and the fact I’m more of a spender which has meant he has ‘control’ over our finances. Well, over the money that he earns. I can make a suggestion but I may as well not bother as if he says no that’s it really.

He’ll pay for meals out and things don’t get me wrong, he’s not that tight. Last Saturday we had no plans in the evening and he suggested going to the pub (which was a surprise in itself) I said I was broke until payday this week and he was like ‘well I’m paying obviously, I’ve suggested it.’ He spoils me on my birthday/ at Christmas etc. He’s not a complete miser, but he is impervious to the idea of anything bigger than a couple of hundred quid. So we don’t go away for the weekend or on holiday very much. I guess if I really pushed this issue we could do more, but tbh I’ve been struggling for money the last few years as I’ve been doing a post grad. I’ve finished now and my wage has just gone up so I hope to be able to contribute more but he still earns 3 times my salary (he’s a relatively high earner, about £90k a year)

You've been struggling for money and he earns £90k?? This is NOT OK

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2021 10:46

My DH doesn’t necessarily have all of those “good attributes “ you mention but he does and has always made me laugh and we have had a lot of fun and exciting times.
Obviously that wouldn’t be enough on its own and luckily he’s a good man too but you need to “live love laugh” to quote a shitty wooden sign I saw in B+M Bargins.
The solvency and kindness etc is great but you can find a man who is those things but is FUN too!

Nsky · 30/07/2021 10:48

I wonder why you never spotted these things before being with him

Essentialironingwater · 30/07/2021 10:48

You do sound a bit incompatible. I must admit I'm quite like your DH, I like £x0,000 ringfenced in our current account to ensure if we lost our jobs or something else happened we can survive for 6-12 months whilst we pick ourselves up and I pretend it doesn't exist. I don't think that's an issue in itself but could you discuss budgeting to save for a holiday?

Re: the sex/life programme and wanting more. I had an incredibly wild youth. Threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, weird sex clubs in London...lots of fun had. It was great but there's no way that sort of life could keep me contented long term. Sometimes life is fucking full but I do think a bit of 'grass is always greener' is at play here.

If you love him as you say you do then perhaps you could explore counselling or some ways to inject excitement into your relationship. There are enough shitty men talked about on here to make me realise a good'un isn't necessarily easy to come by.

I'd also think about chatting to him about how you can align financial priorities more. A budget, with some money ringfenced for fun?

Essentialironingwater · 30/07/2021 10:49

*dull not full...but it is that too