To feel dissatisfied with my marriage and lovely husband today.

[Galaxyfiend]

DH is amazing, I know so many people I know would be shouting 'what are you thinking, you're so lucky, he's a good man' if they could see this post. However I just need to vent.

He's such an amazing person, he's kind, caring, solvent, has carved himself out a good, professional career through sheer grit and determination, which I'm so proud of him for, he's the most intelligent person I know, and the most talented. He absolutely adores me and is such a kind and supportive partner. He's physically attractive and fit.

However, like everyone he's not without his flaws. He can be very boring sometimes, I know that sounds harsh and it is, but he has a tendency to drone on and on about the most inconsequential of things; I know my friends and family find this aspect of him difficult as I can see them getting disinterested and their eyes wandering after 5/10 minutes once he's in the full throes of whatever he's discussing. I really think he's on the spectrum as he gets really annoyed if things aren't done exactly his way and how he would do them, this in turn leads him to going on and on and on how he can't understand why people don't do this instead of that, blah blah. It drives me (and others I'm sure) crazy.

Socially in terms of making plans, well he doesn't. We would have zero social life if it was left to him. I am the one who constantly organises every weekend for us either with other people or just us 2. He never seems to want to go out and do anything, I mean he'll do things if I want to/ arrange them but otherwise he just spends his time doing DIY around the house and watching tv. We're mid 30's, no kids yet, this isn't the life I want at the moment. We've been together just under 9 years and ever since I met him he's gone on about all these 'hobbies' he'd like to take up and do, all these things he'd like to do. There's always been an excuse as to why he can't, sometimes there's been plausible reasons but they're reasons that wouldn't stop other people doing things (work, DIY needing doing on the house etc)

Anything needs fixing/ doing around the house and he's on it, he's so good in that respect, but he's SO messy and untidy. We've had so many discussions about it over the years but always to no avail, he'll be a bit tidier for a while but then it's back to the same old and me clearing up after him as I can't abide living in an untidy/ dirty house.

He's incredibly cautious tight when it comes to money too which can be really tiresome as (admittedly thanks to him) we have a very healthy 5 figure sum in savings in the bank and are fine financially but he likes to make out we're practically on the breadline sometimes which is just laughable

I woke up feeling meh. Don't know how else to describe it. I woke up yearning to be dressed up on a night out, catching attractive men's eyes, flirting, feeling attractive and having some EXCITMENT in my life. I woke up wanting to be married to someone who doesn't have ANY bad points (I know this is impossible) who I look at and instantly want to rip their clothes off, who I can't get enough of, who doesn't irritate me.

I feel fucking awful for having those thoughts and it's the first time I've really thought like this, I don't know if it's hormones or not but I just feel fed up in my marriage today.

I think a holiday or something would help us as we've done nothing now for nearly 2 years, we haven't been anywhere or had a change of scenery. It's just been the same old drudgery, day in, day out. However, I won't even bother suggesting it as he would, just say no we can't afford it, despite our tens of thousands of pounds in the bank in savings.

I feel suffocated, my chest feels tight. I don't know what's wrong with me, he's a good man, he adores me, he'd never cheat on me, he's attentive in bed, he's good looking. I absolutely don't think I'd meet anyone 'better', I don't want to end my marriage I'm just bored and restless today and we don't even have kids! I thought these feelings were only really felt by people who have kids and have kinda lost their marriage a bit along the way, we have no excuses.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

This sounds like my husband! ...He's very 'tight' with money despite us both earning a good wage but I look at his background and he had nothing as a child. He got bullied in school for not having as much money as other people and his mum was abusive and lazy, dad left etc so he learnt from a very young age if he was going to have anything in life he was going to have to make it happen. It made him very driven but very anxious and cautious about money.

I on the other hand grew up comfortable so I sometimes don't get his tightness but I have to remind myself ...is something similar true for your husband to make him overly cautious?

Mine can also be very rigid and boring despite his good points! The way I see it is your partner doesn't have to tick every box...I have fun with my friends who I have more in common with. It does bother me sometimes but I've had lots of fun boyfriends who were totally unreliable and didn't have any of his good bits so not sure you can have it all.

I cannot fathom being so skint I couldn't afford to go to the pub whilst my DH has thousands squirrelled away and is on 90k a year. It's actually disgusting.

How are you feeling about what people are saying here OP?

Are you able to look at yourself, warts and all, and imagine what you are like in your husband’s eyes?

Whenever I feel grumpy about DH, I try and see that he puts up with unattractive traits from me as well

Your salary is around £30,000 and you don't save any of it?
Do you pay jointly for all the bills etc? I'm assuming he pays more?
Tbh I'm more of the saver than my husband, he is converted to saving now after I ended up paying the deposit for our house etc when he was very 'live for the day' with money and when he was earning more than me at the time.
I like to have savings, I'm saving so we can retire earlier, hopefully our mortgage will be paid at 55. We go on holiday once a year and a couple of weekends away, eat out etc but I hate to waste money on random things.
I don't know what you really want OP? I think you should stop ttc and get communicating about what you both want.

Christinayangtwistedsister
So you are skint until pay day and he has thousands in the bank???? He doesn't allow holidays, he bores you , are you sure he is a lovely husband?

This with bells on. He’s not a “lovely husband” he’s made sure he’s very wel off whilst leaving you skint. You have no access to “his” savings and he’s done this to you for so long you’re grateful for a night at the pub when he earns 90k!!!!!! Absolutely awful. There’s no way a child and maternity leave will improve things for you, you’ll just be even more financially controlled and trapped.

He's tight, keeps his money to himself and you struggle. This is not a nice man. And he's boring. Maybe because he's good looking and solvent he hasn't needed a personality.

Two of the qualities which long term will drive a wedge between you.

This is it, your life. Bring kids into the mix with him being untidy too.....

The money thing needs sorting. If it's not joint money then it's not marriage is it. You shouldn't need to feel grateful he treats you.

OP, in the nicest possible way, why have you just started trying to conceive with a man who is dull, rigid, unsociable, miserly and financially controlling? The fact that he’s good with kids is irrelevant — you’d be shackling yourself unnecessarily to someone with whom you’re fundamentally incompatible, when now you’re free to walk away if that is what you want!

You’ve said it yourself — this isn’t the life you want to be living. You’re mid-30s, healthy, childfree, have no money troubles, and you’re living like unwell people in their 90s!

When DH and I were in our mid-30s, we were living in central London on a far smaller income and having a ball — travelling cheaply, going out all the time, seeing friends, going to live in another country for a year etc etc. If this is something you want, you’re going to have to act to get it.

But stop ttc while you think seriously about it!

You’re married but you use words like I’m broke, I’ve been struggling for money. That’s so strange to me in a marriage isn’t is we and us? You should have access to the accounts, he’s not the dad he doesn’t get to just say no without discussion or compromise.

@Comedycook

I cannot fathom being so skint I couldn't afford to go to the pub whilst my DH has thousands squirrelled away and is on 90k a year. It's actually disgusting.

The fact these feelings have come up just when you are starting to conceive is no coincide. Put that hold ASAP whilst you think things through as once pregnant you are trapped.

As for the finances, in my opinion it is not normal in a marriage that is a true partnership. There should at least be a joint account approach that covers joint socialising and activities and means you don't have to 'ask' for money to be able to do things together.

You can still retain separate finances to some extent (I always earned more than exH and wasn't a spender like him so had more savings in my own accounts) ExH and I paid in slightly different amounts to the joint account, reflecting our different incomes, and then used the joint account for eating out together, events and days away and holidays.

It's not just about what you spend it on but having access to the funds that is the issue. Otherwise it means you are in effect living separate lifestyles - he can afford things you can't. Just because he chooses not to spend his extra income on himself is a bit irrelevant (though being excessively tight would really bug me).

You have to sort the approach to household finances before having children. MN is full of threads where women are reliant on husbands for money to be able to do more than just feed and clothe the kids. Some just accept they have to still pay rent or mortgage and household bills from savings throughout unpaid maternity leave.. Madness. And also lots of threads where they say "he'd never do X or Y" then he does. So you can't know how tight he'll be once you have children.

As for the being boring, not being spontaneous and the untidiness. Some of those are things you might be able to accept and live with, some not. You need to think this all though and then talk to him.Give examples of what you would like him to do/change. See what the reaction is and how you feel about however he responds.

Personally I suspect that in trying to conceive, you've suddenly seen a vision of your possible future and panicked at it. Which is telling in itself.

The thing that jumps out from your posts OP, is how much of your marriage is on his terms. His savings, his mess when doing DIY, his refusal to socialise or go on holiday, his endless conversations, his hold over the purse strings.

When does he consider what you want?

If he adores you as much as you say, he'll be willing to change. If he's not willing, well maybe there's your answer: his adoration is on his terms, too.

And the absolute last thing I'd be doing at the moment is bringing a baby into the mix. Some relationships look great on paper but the reality just doesn't work, and if you decide that that's where you are then a child is going to make things so much harder to deal with.

I know what this is like. My experience was not as extreme as yours OP.
It wasn't that I had to do everything or even organise things but it felt as if had to have the initial idea. For a few years neither wife nor DC ever had an idea between them.
It was very wearing and it got me down and led to a bit of an explosion. But they did understand, finally.
@dreamingbohemian and @AuldFox deserve reading again.

Leave then.Go and find the freedom you want and allow him to find someone who is going to love him as he is.You don't have to stay.
Be very careful what you wish for though op.
Good luck.

You’re in your 30s, pre kids - this is the time when you should be travelling and having fun as a couple! There won’t be many adventures when you have small kids! Plus he’s on 90k and he begrudges any holidays while you’re ‘skint’ - that’s insane. It is not normal. Please talk to him about this.

To be fair, whilst I’ve been studying he’s paid all of our household costs apart from food. He hasn’t ever complained though I know he’d rather not have to do that. Now that I’m finally on a bigger salary I hope to be able to start contributing again, and in doing that, feel like I can have more of a say in finances etc. I can hardly complain that we’re not having a holiday whilst he’s paying the mortgage and all of our bills can I. But I feel once I start paying towards the mortgage and bills again that I can address the money side of things!

At this stage I wouldn’t leave but you do need to talk and look at what you could both change to improve things
I would see how you feel in a few weeks or months after you’ve tried a bit of excitement even a short break might be enough
Otherwise you may be in danger of developing the ‘ick’ and that’s very hard to come back from
I couldn’t stand living with my DP so we don’t even though we’ve been together a long time - I also suspect he’s on the autistic spectrum and we have very different views on things
However I’m still excited to see and spend time with him, go on holiday or just hang out together - I still get that sense of anticipation even if a few hours later I could easily fall out with him over something small that we don’t see eye to eye on
I’m a saver he’s a spender - I’m tidy he’s not etc

@Galaxyfiend - please PLEASE nail down your contraception until you're sure that this life with him is really what you want.

The effects of his tightness with money will amplify once you have children, particularly if you were to stop work for a while.

His messiness will drive you insane if you add it to the inevitable mess associated with little children.

This is him. He will not change.

You are feeling suffocated now. Imagine another 50 years if this...

If you want to make this work you need to sit down and talk about money. Once he has saved the money he may find it hard to spend and see it as waste. I would want to agree a fun things budget and then go and spend it together on fun. That way he feels he can justify it. A big lump of savings can just feel like an untouchable lump.

You say
Now that I’m finally on a bigger salary I hope to be able to start contributing again, and in doing that, feel like I can have more of a say in finances etc. I can hardly complain that we’re not having a holiday whilst he’s paying the mortgage and all of our bills can I. But I feel once I start paying towards the mortgage and bills again that I can address the money side of things!

No No NO! Marriage should not be like this.
Marriage is not conditional. Marriage is not a transaction.
Just consider the old-fashioned wording and translate it into modern life as it applies to you. It is sharing everything “for richer for poorer, Sickness and in health. With my worldly goods I thee endow”.

@Galaxyfiend

To be fair, whilst I’ve been studying he’s paid all of our household costs apart from food. He hasn’t ever complained though I know he’d rather not have to do that. Now that I’m finally on a bigger salary I hope to be able to start contributing again, and in doing that, feel like I can have more of a say in finances etc. I can hardly complain that we’re not having a holiday whilst he’s paying the mortgage and all of our bills can I. But I feel once I start paying towards the mortgage and bills again that I can address the money side of things!

But that is literally how marriages are supposed to work! The person who brings in less money does not have less of a say. What’s going to happen financially if you have children?

I could have written this. We have two kids and he's a good dad. It means I can carve out my own space and leave them with him. But he is boring so I just stick to developing my female friendships. Hugs but ok solutions.

He hasn’t ever complained though I know he’d rather not have to do that

Why would he rather not have to do that? You're supposed to be a partnership and supporting each other is part of that. You should have a say in finances regardless of how much you are or aren't contributing.

If he’s going to be a great dad, you might end up falling in love with him all over again.

That's one hell of a gamble! This kind of rhetoric is why so many people have a baby in an attempt to cement a shaky marriage, despite it being well documented that it's pretty much the worst thing you can do. OP, please for the love of all that is holy, stop TTC if you have any doubts at all about your future with your DH! I adore my Husband. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what the hell I did to deserve him but the exhaustion and upheaval that comes with new parenthood definitely tested us. If you're already feeling so trapped by your marriage that you're having physical signs of anxiety then you need to think very carefully about what needs to change before you throw a child into the mix.

You may have already done this, but I’m wondering what conversations you and he have had about how you’re feeling and what your finding hard? If he’s on the autistic spectrum you may find that dropping hints about what kinds of things you’re hoping for just isn’t getting through to him. You could trying being really clear and explicit about what you would like to be different and what what exactly would help - e.g. please could you book in a social arrangement for us next month, it would make me really happy. Have explicit conversations about money, financial contingency plans etc.

@Galaxyfiend OMG you have just described my husband. I know this post is old but I can not comment on what you have just said.

My husband is wonderful; cleans, cooks, does the washing, can fix anything BUT there is this side to him that no one else sees. What you describe about going on about inconsequential stuff - that's my husband. He's like a dog with a bone once he gets something into his head and I can see how my family & friends just switch off when he starts going on. We visited my sister once and my BIL went upstairs and sat in his bedroom one evening and I'm convinced he just couldn't listen to my DC going on anymore. My BIL made an excuse of course, like he had a headache or something but I knew that wasn't it.

If you do anything differently to how he does it, you are subjected to a 15 minutes discussion about how his way is the best and your way is shit. Our problem is I bite back and we end up arguing. I just don't tolerate it even though I know I should be a bit more patient. The arguments have can get heated and many a time I have felt like walking out. He can be quite demanding as well. I can be in the middle of something and he'll suddenly need me for something and I'm expected to stop what I'm going to accommodate his needs.

We too are financially well off, same as you 5 figure sum in the bank no mortgage but he will spend hours & hours trying to find the cheapest or go out of his way to find the cheapest even it means hours consumed doing it. This isn't a bad thing and is part of the reason we're well off but I'm at a stage in my life were I can afford to not worry about the pennies so much. I know I've earned it so hearing him stressing about how we could save £20 in a year really pisses me off especially when I'm trying to relax after a hard day at work.

I daydream a lot about little scenarios just to escape sometimes. I dream about being single and meeting a gorgeous man and having a hot affair full of fantastic sex (btw, my husband is fantastic in bed - no issues there whatsoever) but the humdrum of life just gets to me sometimes, especially when he's on one about fuck all. I would never contemplate having an affair just to be clear but marriage is hard. I'm sure I get on his nerves, in fact I know I do - he's told me and I'm sure he fantasises about other women as well.

Have you tried just telling him he needs to reign it in a bit. Yes he's a good husband but that doesn't excuse bad behaviour. After years of this behaviour from my DH, I now just tell him to stop when he starts going on. If he doesn't stop, I tell him to shut up, he gets the message eventually. When he's being demanding, I tell him "no" very firmly and that I will come to him when I've finished doing what I'm doing. Like you have to do with a child almost. If he wants me to stop doing something because he wants to show me something on YouTube that I have zero interest in (this happens a lot), I just say I'm not interested, sorry. He said I was harsh the other day, so I told him that he's a demanding pain in the arse.

I am being quite jovial here but I have genuinely felt like leaving on occasion so I know how much this behaviour can grind you down. I told my DH if he didn't stop with his nit-picking and demanding behaviour I would divorce him and I meant it. We were looking to move house at one stage and I changed my mind. He asked why so I told him because I'm thinking of filing for a divorce so moving house seems a complete waste of time. So what I'm saying is don't put up with this behaviour if it is becoming a problem for you. It's not fair. X