To feel dissatisfied with my marriage and lovely husband today.

[Galaxyfiend]

DH is amazing, I know so many people I know would be shouting 'what are you thinking, you're so lucky, he's a good man' if they could see this post. However I just need to vent.

He's such an amazing person, he's kind, caring, solvent, has carved himself out a good, professional career through sheer grit and determination, which I'm so proud of him for, he's the most intelligent person I know, and the most talented. He absolutely adores me and is such a kind and supportive partner. He's physically attractive and fit.

However, like everyone he's not without his flaws. He can be very boring sometimes, I know that sounds harsh and it is, but he has a tendency to drone on and on about the most inconsequential of things; I know my friends and family find this aspect of him difficult as I can see them getting disinterested and their eyes wandering after 5/10 minutes once he's in the full throes of whatever he's discussing. I really think he's on the spectrum as he gets really annoyed if things aren't done exactly his way and how he would do them, this in turn leads him to going on and on and on how he can't understand why people don't do this instead of that, blah blah. It drives me (and others I'm sure) crazy.

Socially in terms of making plans, well he doesn't. We would have zero social life if it was left to him. I am the one who constantly organises every weekend for us either with other people or just us 2. He never seems to want to go out and do anything, I mean he'll do things if I want to/ arrange them but otherwise he just spends his time doing DIY around the house and watching tv. We're mid 30's, no kids yet, this isn't the life I want at the moment. We've been together just under 9 years and ever since I met him he's gone on about all these 'hobbies' he'd like to take up and do, all these things he'd like to do. There's always been an excuse as to why he can't, sometimes there's been plausible reasons but they're reasons that wouldn't stop other people doing things (work, DIY needing doing on the house etc)

Anything needs fixing/ doing around the house and he's on it, he's so good in that respect, but he's SO messy and untidy. We've had so many discussions about it over the years but always to no avail, he'll be a bit tidier for a while but then it's back to the same old and me clearing up after him as I can't abide living in an untidy/ dirty house.

He's incredibly cautious tight when it comes to money too which can be really tiresome as (admittedly thanks to him) we have a very healthy 5 figure sum in savings in the bank and are fine financially but he likes to make out we're practically on the breadline sometimes which is just laughable

I woke up feeling meh. Don't know how else to describe it. I woke up yearning to be dressed up on a night out, catching attractive men's eyes, flirting, feeling attractive and having some EXCITMENT in my life. I woke up wanting to be married to someone who doesn't have ANY bad points (I know this is impossible) who I look at and instantly want to rip their clothes off, who I can't get enough of, who doesn't irritate me.

I feel fucking awful for having those thoughts and it's the first time I've really thought like this, I don't know if it's hormones or not but I just feel fed up in my marriage today.

I think a holiday or something would help us as we've done nothing now for nearly 2 years, we haven't been anywhere or had a change of scenery. It's just been the same old drudgery, day in, day out. However, I won't even bother suggesting it as he would, just say no we can't afford it, despite our tens of thousands of pounds in the bank in savings.

I feel suffocated, my chest feels tight. I don't know what's wrong with me, he's a good man, he adores me, he'd never cheat on me, he's attentive in bed, he's good looking. I absolutely don't think I'd meet anyone 'better', I don't want to end my marriage I'm just bored and restless today and we don't even have kids! I thought these feelings were only really felt by people who have kids and have kinda lost their marriage a bit along the way, we have no excuses.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I was reading along thinking you’re probably being a bit picky until I got to the bit about you not having kids. The having kids part is when life gets boring, if you’re already bored now I don’t fancy your chances. And don’t assume that his money concerns won’t stretch to spending on your children. You’ll probably find yourselves arguing over what is necessary for them, which can be quite exhausting.

My husband has his faults and we’ve been married almost 18 hrs so of course there are dull patches. But he makes me laugh so much, he’s a great conversationalist and everyone who meets him loves him because he makes them feel at ease. I’d hate to be married to a bore..

You’ve talked him up a lot but I would find those issues hard to live with

Life’s too short

OP,
Definitely in marriage no one is perfect, but I don't think it sounds like you are looking for perfection.

Your husband isn't a bad man.

But, to put it bluntly, he bores the arse off you and he is mean.

Now, it may not be malicious, but there is a meanness/cautiousness towards money that sucks the joy from life.

These are two HUGE deal breakers.

You don't have children.

Stop trying to have them.

Children will test the strongest of marriages and if you are bored now, christ will you be bored having children.

Our shared strong sense of humour and ability to entertain eachother were two key things that have gotten us through raising a family together.

You need to thinknlong and hard about what you want because you do not sound happy to me.

I can see youate trying to be kind bit sounds like you are in a relationship carrying the full mental load of organising amd facilitating family life whilst living like a pauper.

I'm.not particularly materialistic I buy stuff from.cjarity shops or use hand me doesn't etc but if a future dp had thousands in the bank but we didn't get to enjoy a holiday or day trip and god forbid enjoy the perks every now and then I'd wonder what the point of any of it was.tbh

Anything needs fixing/ doing around the house and he's on it, he's so good in that respect, but he's SO messy and untidy. We've had so many discussions about it over the years but always to no avail, he'll be a bit tidier for a while but then it's back to the same old and me clearing up after him as I can't abide living in an untidy/ dirty house

Yet he gets annoyed and goes on and on if things are not done exactly his way?
How about you matching this. Tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what you want.

Are the savings joint savings or his savings because he seems to think they are his.
Why does he get to tell you shut you down and say no to a holiday?
Why does he get to decide what is too expensive with no discussion?

I know you say he has lots of good points but I don't think that means you should put up with the bad ones if they are getting you down so much.

You need to have a proper discussion with him about your relationship.
Tell him how you are feeling and that you need more. Book a holiday and go without him if he complains!
If things stay the same then all you can do is ask yourself if you can really live like this for the rest of your life or not.

My friend is married to a man who is tight with money ( but very solvent and earns a good wage ) and it's so miserable for her. Has to justify every penny. Once they had kids, this became worse!
It's a tough one , as nobody is perfect ( my dh isn't and has become much more grumpy over the years!) but money he is pretty good around and this has made life a bit more bearable.
You have to weigh up if you can see yourself with him for forever as most of these traits will only get worse , not better , sadly.
You can never change anyone really either ( I have found this out in time too !)

@billy1966

OP, Definitely in marriage no one is perfect, but I don't think it sounds like you are looking for perfection.

Your husband isn't a bad man.

But, to put it bluntly, he bores the arse off you and he is mean.

Now, it may not be malicious, but there is a meanness/cautiousness towards money that sucks the joy from life.

These are two HUGE deal breakers.

You don't have children.

Stop trying to have them.

Children will test the strongest of marriages and if you are bored now, christ will you be bored having children.

Our shared strong sense of humour and ability to entertain eachother were two key things that have gotten us through raising a family together.

You need to thinknlong and hard about what you want because you do not sound happy to me.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Life is so short. We overlook fun sometimes but it's so important to balance all the boring necessary stuff. If you're having actual negative physical reactions to the thought of him then that is the beginning of the end. Noone should feel contempt for their partner.

I think that if you have shared values and expectations, you can overcome a lot of niggles

But I agree with PP that you need to think about this v carefully before having a family

If this is like pre-wedding nerves, that's OK. But if it's more serious then it's not fair to bring children into an unhappy marriage

@ktb123

Why don't you communicate your thoughts with him? Surely that's what happens in a marriage why are you scared to say what you feel? Discuss it see if in time anything changes and if it doesn't you've got your answer.

Come on now. Actually talking with your partner with whom you are supposed to be in an intimate relationship? Who does that?

I mean he would say ‘joint savings’ but they’re not really. We’re married but he saved all the money so they’re his savings really, I don’t have access to them or any of the accounts. We keep our finances pretty seperate.

I think it is because he earns more, has built up the savings pot and the fact I’m more of a spender which has meant he has ‘control’ over our finances. Well, over the money that he earns. I can make a suggestion but I may as well not bother as if he says no that’s it really.

He’ll pay for meals out and things don’t get me wrong, he’s not that tight. Last Saturday we had no plans in the evening and he suggested going to the pub (which was a surprise in itself) I said I was broke until payday this week and he was like ‘well I’m paying obviously, I’ve suggested it.’ He spoils me on my birthday/ at Christmas etc. He’s not a complete miser, but he is impervious to the idea of anything bigger than a couple of hundred quid. So we don’t go away for the weekend or on holiday very much. I guess if I really pushed this issue we could do more, but tbh I’ve been struggling for money the last few years as I’ve been doing a post grad. I’ve finished now and my wage has just gone up so I hope to be able to contribute more but he still earns 3 times my salary (he’s a relatively high earner, about £90k a year)

90k and you are thrilled at a night out in a pub

It's not 'control' over your finances, OP. It's control.

I wouldn't consider having kids with someone who controlled me financially.

Have ti say my ex was a teenager bit like this. Happy to just throw money at me when kids needed something rather than actually helping with the task of uniform shopping or booking/taking to gym classes.

But God forbid you suggest moving or a holiday and all of a sudden there was no money for it. Didn't get any worse when we split either tbh. Now he's spending more money on renting his new place than he was ever prepared to spend looking at a bigger place for us.

Didbt get any better that should say

This all sounds pretty normal to me. My dh and a lot of my friends dh are never the 1st ones to suggest somewhere to go. But they are more than happy to go where ever we suggest. As for the money thing, if he is happy for you to book something why don't you do it. At least you know that you are financially sound and don't have to worry about finances. And let's face it the last 2 years have been pretty tough on everyone. Wanting to travel is on everyone's wish list not just yours.
The grass isn't always greener and there is no perfect man out there, there are always going to be flaws.
Marriage isn't always going to be a bed of roses all the time, you are always going to find flaws with each other. The key is being able to work through these together.

If he has ASD then any children you gave might do too.

Sounds basic, but have you spoken to him about this? Just honestly addressing the points: 'DH, I notice you never plan anything. I'd love for you to be more spontaneous and put more of an effort in when it comes to making social plans', or 'DH, I have some concerns about how we manage money'.

His reaction to the conversations, and actions thereafter, will tell you what you need to know. If he reacts badly or slips into old ways quickly, you know it's not meant to be.

I haven't rtft. I think you need to accept that if he is on the spectrum he can't and won't simply do these things. He might be able to learn to with support. Which means that as his partner you are somewhat signing up to being, in a way, a carer. There is absolutely no point continuing with the relationship if you can't accept that. He won't likely change. However he does sound a pretty wonderful man and there's nothing 'wrong' with him. But its ok for you not to be married to him even if he's wonderful, if he doesn't fulfil you. You are only 30 and these resentments will grow. You will be vulnerable to having an affair or growing bitter.

Don't you worry about upsetting him?

Your view of life is skewed. You've experienced a world with Covid and yet you seem to think that a change from your husband would lead to something better, and that you would never experience a time of great misfortune - when you would need people who love you to rally to you to help you .

How do you know you wouldn't meet a con man who would wreck your life, or meet nobody at all who wants to settle down with you?

You're basing your outlook and priorities on a best possible scenario. But surely you are not attaching enough significance to the blessing of having all of his family on your side too, and a financially comfortable lifestyle which means you can pay for healthcare and eat healthy food.

You just have to see his good looks and kindness as an additional benefit and be grateful for the main blessing to you that you have got a partner and a companion to get through life with.

Ask yourself, if you had a lovely son, who you brought up to respect women and to know love, how you'd feel if he married, and some years and a lot of parental thoughtfulness later, she dumped him into misery for being too boring. You'd be distraught for him.

@Egghead68

If he has ASD then any children you gave might do too.

So are you suggesting that autistic people shouldn’t have children?

Do you have any idea how offensive your comment is? Or are you one of on here who don’t care if you offend us as we’re not proper humans deserving of respect?

I think marriages are a partnership - my hubby will cook and I will clean up - if my hubby did DYI I would happily clean up! Its not unusual for one partner to do the social organising.
It doesn't matter if he seems like a good catch if you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him than that's the answer for you.
Its interesting you have analaysed the pros and cons in your marriage. I've been with my hubby for 20 odd years and its never occurred to me to do that. I like and love him. He makes me happy.
I am not sure you both like and love your husband - maybe something to think about.
You do have to be careful that you are not thinking the grass is greened as its not always.

@Diverseopinions

Don't you worry about upsetting him?

Your view of life is skewed. You've experienced a world with Covid and yet you seem to think that a change from your husband would lead to something better, and that you would never experience a time of great misfortune - when you would need people who love you to rally to you to help you .

How do you know you wouldn't meet a con man who would wreck your life, or meet nobody at all who wants to settle down with you?

You're basing your outlook and priorities on a best possible scenario. But surely you are not attaching enough significance to the blessing of having all of his family on your side too, and a financially comfortable lifestyle which means you can pay for healthcare and eat healthy food.

You just have to see his good looks and kindness as an additional benefit and be grateful for the main blessing to you that you have got a partner and a companion to get through life with.

Ask yourself, if you had a lovely son, who you brought up to respect women and to know love, how you'd feel if he married, and some years and a lot of parental thoughtfulness later, she dumped him into misery for being too boring. You'd be distraught for him.

My god, if nothing else ignore this load of guff.

Mate, it’s potentially another 50 years with this man. That’s a shitting long time to be bored!

So are you suggesting that autistic people shouldn’t have children?

Do you have any idea how offensive your comment is? Or are you one of on here who don’t care if you offend us as we’re not proper humans deserving of respect?

I don't know but I took that as a statement of fact that there is a genetic component to ASD.
Is that an issue seeing that the OP has been singing praise about her DH?