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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my dh is being a bit thoughtless?

49 replies

bigbadmom · 27/11/2007 15:36

It's my husband's bday today...

He left early for work having said 'oh no' when he opened the present I'd given him (digital camera as we'd lost the last one) - he thought this was extravagant seeing as we had lost one so we shouldn't have one at all anymore, despite having a 1 year old and one on the way who I think it'd be nice to have photos of.

Then asked what the leather gloves I gave him were for (it's winter, he cycles to work...any clues??)

All in all he was a bit patronising - "I just want to be left alone" was his last remark and "I don't even like birthdays".

THEN he goes and takes his secretary out for an £160 lunch w/ champagne. Last week it was a colleague (also female) for dinner and a friend for cocktails. He then reports back on the women 'curves in all the right places', 'svelte' etc etc...

I am four months pregnant and not really feeling my sexiest anyway - I can't remember the last time he suggested we went on a 'date' or he said anything nice to me - it's all penny-pinching and being told I'm not doing things right with our DD when it comes to our relationship - why's she not yet drinking out of a cup, why's she still drinking juice mixed with water instead of plain water - that sort of thing.

The romance seems a bit dead - but maybe this is normal?

Am feeling pretty miserable but dunno if it's just the hormones, the fact I drove four hours up to my parents on Friday night and four hours back again last night with no help from dh who has trouble seeing properly on motorways at night...so am a bit tired etc. Days like this I wonder whether he'll ever appreciate me or our dd like he does the people he works with / woman he 'admires'. He says I'm being unreasonable to be angry with him and that he wishes he could 'confide' in me about these things without the threat of reproach...but I can't help feeling like B-list goods when he comes home all monosyllabic and grumpy having shown his more charming side to - well - most of the women in his office, by the sounds of things.

Is this just men and women??? Or am I right to be p-ed off? Because I'm tearing my hair out wondering whether as a full-time mum, this is just what I've got to get used to - being slightly taken for granted, having a pretty unglamourous time but obviously getting amazing experiences by being with my little ones. I don't even WANT to be taken out on fancy dates, not right now with my bump starting to show, but I just wish he would stop treating me like his mum or his sister or something...

Sorry to rant!

OP posts:
theUrbanDryad · 27/11/2007 15:40

YANBU - have you told him all this? how you feel like B-list goods etc?

BigGitmahnamahnaDad · 27/11/2007 15:41

I think your husband is being inconsiderate if he is taking his secretary out for a slap up and you do nothing. Did he pay for the meal or was it the business?
If he is making comments about other women that is insensitive too and bad manners really. Why don't you wonder out loud how big the postmans etc knob is and make comparisons , though I can see that going down a slippery slope!

thebecster · 27/11/2007 15:42

He describes other women to you in those terms? I'd be so very if my DH said anything like that to me.

As far as the women are concerned, I would make friends with these women that your DH is taking out. Chat to them when you're calling your DH at work, and if at all possible, meet up with them without him and have a good laugh.

Your DH sounds like he's putting you down - has he always done this, or is it something new?

ksld · 27/11/2007 15:43

Have you said any of this to him? Maybe let him read this and see how he is making you feel?
I don't know, but am wondering if he is feeling a bit left out if he is working and you are at home with your DD, and is taking out his frustrations on you. Talking about other attractive women when you are feeling unattractive (though am sure you are not looking it!) is just unkind, and he obviously knows this, so there must be a reason for his general grumpiness. Can you do a date night tonight/the weekend where you dress up and cook his favourite meal and spoil him a bit and ignore any penny-pinching comments he makes, and then try to find out what is going on in his head?
He can't have it both ways, you can be there to confide in, but not if that means he makes hurtful comments to you. But he may just be being thoughtless and worried/stressed about money/work or something?

LoveAngelGabriel · 27/11/2007 15:47

Why on earth does your husband think that a good marriage would involve the husband coming home and 'confiding' to his wife that his female colleague is 'svelte' and his secretary 'has curves in all the right places'? What kind of imbecile is he? I'm, sorry to be harsh, but I feel very angry on your behalf. Has he no sensitivity or empathy for what it must be like for you, being at home with a small child and expecting another baby, with a husband who makes inappropriate comments about other women? It is not 'just men and women', it is insensitive, inappropriate and cruel behaviour. I also think he sounds very ungrateful for the lovely presents you bought him. I understand that he must be under pressure as 'the breadwinner', but it is no excuse to treat the woman you are supposed to love with contempt. he needs a kick up the arse.

kekouan · 27/11/2007 15:48

You're 4 months pregnant and he's taking other women out to lunch/talking about their curves?

Does he have a deathwish???

I'd be bloody furious!!

Oh, and if he can't see on motorways at night, he should get his eyes tested. what if he needs to take you to the hospital?

(sorry, feeling ranty today!!)

theUrbanDryad · 27/11/2007 15:51

actually, the more i think about it, the more i realise that "A bit thoughtless" is the understatement of the year!!

he is being an insensitive knobchob....

fireflyfairy2 · 27/11/2007 15:51

Sorry, if that was my dh he'd have his balls in his backpack by now.

How stupid is he?

Baffy · 27/11/2007 15:52

YANBU!

I don't think he would listen if you tried to tell him all of that and make him understand.

This really is a case where I think counselling is a sensible suggestion.

He sounds insensitive to say the least!

Dixichik · 27/11/2007 15:54

Sorry but I would be worried if my partner treated me like this, simply because my ex started treating me with contempt like this when he was playing around with other women.

PatsyCline · 27/11/2007 15:55

YANBU, I'm in a similar position and if my DH spoke like that about female work colleagues I would be not to mention . Your DH needs to engage his brain before he speaks - you're his wife, not a golfing buddy FGS.

Good luck with this.

Patsy

3littlefrogs · 27/11/2007 15:57

He is being thoroughly insensitive, thoughtless, selfish, irresponsible, childish......can't think of any more words that are printable...has he always been like this?

anorak · 27/11/2007 16:06

You are totally not being unreasonable, I am always willing to see both sides of the story but really, I completely agree with LoveAngelGabriel. His behaviour is bullying.

mumblechum · 27/11/2007 16:09

YANBU. He sounds rather horrid tbh.

colditz · 27/11/2007 16:12

garotte his penis.

mumblechum · 27/11/2007 16:13

Slowly.

Original poster
bigbadmom · 27/11/2007 16:13

Thanks everyone. I felt so upset but I feel better now.

Just to clarify

  • He paid / pays for the lunches / drinks. He works with very rich people who don't seen to think anything of spending £60 on a few cocktails or £150 on lunch for two.
  • He doesn't have any sisters so I think isn't great with women - doesn't always 'get' them.
  • He doesn't understand when I try to talk to him. He says things like 'I'll take that on board'. But then nothing really changes.
  • An ex girlfriend suggested counselling, and he did go for say 10 sessions. But he hasn't changed. (This was just before I met him).
  • After I had our first daughter he told me he'd been attracted to other women because of my size (I put on weight during pregnancy). He said that men connect love and sex and it was hard for him to show any real feelings of intimacy outside of sexual ones. Now I'm terrified of putting on weight. I got down to nine and a half stone before I got pregnant this time (am five foot eight) but he doesn't seem to notice anyway, so days like today I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER anyway. I should just hit the biscuit cupboard and be damned!
  • We are going out to dinner on Friday with some friends, and yes I'll be getting 'glammed up' and we'll be spending a bit of cash...but he hasn't once shown any enthusiasm for this / thanked me for planning it and inviting people.
  • He can be very patronising, but this is really how he treats all his oldest friends - with a slight superiority and sometimes sarcasm. He tends to affect sincerity when it suits him (eg at work). Then again, he can be a truly lovely bloke - of course. And very sweet natured.
  • He grew up without sisters and in a very 'male' environment (three brothers, all-boys boarding school from eight etc). He is quite competitive when it comes to me and to our dd's progress. His Dad was an alcoholic who died about five years ago, just before I met him. I don't know much about him.
  • The eyesight thing is new, but yes I agree.
  • The postman's knob comment had me in stitches. But the sad thing is, I'm not sure he'd even really care / register / notice if I did say something like that. Maybe I'm wrong.
  • I just want to go to see a movie on my own tonight. I haven't made him a cake like I had intended to, and everytime I am about to go and do it anyway, this voice comes into my head that says 'why the heck should I?".
I made the effort to get up early this morning so he could open his presents / we could all have breakfast together - and he just left on his own without opening any of them except the two I forced him to open. And there was no b'day breakfast obviously - is that normal too? I'm not sure.
  • Anyone else know someone like this? I can't stress enough what a great guy he can be. He's just got this very superior, insensitive streak and always accuses me of being 'touchy' if I get hurt by his remarks. He also thinks I am super-sensitive. But remarks like "there were a lot of good legs on show tonight" when he comes back from say a party that I haven't been to with him make me feel so wretched and low in terms of self-esteem, I just want to crawl under a rock. I am really worried that I am never going to be happy in this marriage unless something really significant changes.

Thanks again people. Just feeling a bit lost / desperate this afternoon.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 27/11/2007 16:14

tell him you have just 'bumped into' an old male friend, 'you know, that guy i told you about, the one hung like a donkey'

then tell him you are going out for the evening and 'don't wait up darling, see you when i see you xxxx'

even if you now go to tescos for a few hours, do so in best dress and high heels!

mumeeee · 27/11/2007 16:16

YANBU. Your DH is being very thoughtless and unreasonable.

3andnomore · 27/11/2007 16:17

YANBU....he is being an arse and I would seriously question your relationship...I am sorry to say....but he doesn't sound like a loving caring dh

Original poster
bigbadmom · 27/11/2007 16:17

ps - I dunno if he's always been like this. I've only known him five years. He did dump me once but then tried (and succeeded) to get back with me once.

The irony is, I'm actually (usually) a pretty laid back, happy person. He just seems to exploit my vulerabilities - I don't think he MEANS to zap me of my natural energy and make me feel small...but that's the result. He does love me, I know that. Like someone said, he just doens't engage brain...

And I have said ALL of this to him (and the above) 1000 times - but nothing ever really seems to change...

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbadmom · 27/11/2007 16:21

Yeah - thanks Jesuswhatnext - I think I just might do that...but then he'd genuinely laugh and find it really funny if he saw me all togged up and claiming to be going on a date. It's most exasperating!

Think I'll just take myself off to the cinema or something. I just feel angry that we are back in this place, me livid, him thinking I'm overreacting.

And if he saw this messageboard, he'd laugh a lot at it and think that it was full of ranting women.

Have I married a total dickhead?

OP posts:
BigGitmahnamahnaDad · 27/11/2007 16:21

I also think that you are felling a little fragile (not suprisingly) at the moment and whereas normally you would not let something like this get to you, this time round it is. However it does not take away the fact that your Dh is behaving like a dork.
It seems like to me you are realsing that you might have to make some choices here about his behaviour.

3andnomore · 27/11/2007 16:21

But if he can be all pleasant and light to others, like spending £160 on his secretary and a champagne lunch but is a mardy bastard with you....hmmm.....I don't think he is just like that in general then....iykwim...

DaisyNightingale · 27/11/2007 16:26

from what you've said he doesn't sound very sweet at all.

if my DH was having to take female clients out for lunch, fair enough (I'd be insecure about it, but would understand the need).....but his secretary????

and as for not appreciating the lengths you have gone to for his birthday......I'd have made the cake and then dumped it over his head I'm afraid.

you really need to have this out with him I think.