To think that my dh is being a bit thoughtless?

[bigbadmom]

It's my husband's bday today...

He left early for work having said 'oh no' when he opened the present I'd given him (digital camera as we'd lost the last one) - he thought this was extravagant seeing as we had lost one so we shouldn't have one at all anymore, despite having a 1 year old and one on the way who I think it'd be nice to have photos of.

Then asked what the leather gloves I gave him were for (it's winter, he cycles to work...any clues??)

All in all he was a bit patronising - "I just want to be left alone" was his last remark and "I don't even like birthdays".

THEN he goes and takes his secretary out for an £160 lunch w/ champagne. Last week it was a colleague (also female) for dinner and a friend for cocktails. He then reports back on the women 'curves in all the right places', 'svelte' etc etc...

I am four months pregnant and not really feeling my sexiest anyway - I can't remember the last time he suggested we went on a 'date' or he said anything nice to me - it's all penny-pinching and being told I'm not doing things right with our DD when it comes to our relationship - why's she not yet drinking out of a cup, why's she still drinking juice mixed with water instead of plain water - that sort of thing.

The romance seems a bit dead - but maybe this is normal?

Am feeling pretty miserable but dunno if it's just the hormones, the fact I drove four hours up to my parents on Friday night and four hours back again last night with no help from dh who has trouble seeing properly on motorways at night...so am a bit tired etc. Days like this I wonder whether he'll ever appreciate me or our dd like he does the people he works with / woman he 'admires'. He says I'm being unreasonable to be angry with him and that he wishes he could 'confide' in me about these things without the threat of reproach...but I can't help feeling like B-list goods when he comes home all monosyllabic and grumpy having shown his more charming side to - well - most of the women in his office, by the sounds of things.

Is this just men and women??? Or am I right to be p-ed off? Because I'm tearing my hair out wondering whether as a full-time mum, this is just what I've got to get used to - being slightly taken for granted, having a pretty unglamourous time but obviously getting amazing experiences by being with my little ones. I don't even WANT to be taken out on fancy dates, not right now with my bump starting to show, but I just wish he would stop treating me like his mum or his sister or something...

Sorry to rant!

DH's behaviour is disgraceful. I would offer to return his birthday presents to the shop - you keep the money and don't offer him an alternative.

I would ask him outright exactly what the problem is - why he reserves his best behaviour for people who really don't matter and treats his pregnant wife, who should be the centre of his world as though she is a piece of dirt.

Are you seriously telling me this man took his secretary out to lunch???? Never mind the price - i would assume that his secretary isnt a prim little old lady with 140wpm typing speed and a twin set either.

I would be beyond angry i am afraid.

BUT keep your self respect tonight - act as if its just another birthday, ask him does he want to go out for a meal, get a last minute sitter and see if you can rescue the situation.

If it wasnt for the secretary thing (assuming he hasnt just told you this to make you feel like shit!) i would say this man sounds depressed, but add the secratary thing and im sorry everyone for what i am about to say, but this man is a CUNT

what LEM said....

Why don't you get all pally with his secretary? That will wind him up. Then you can tell her over a coffee what a dick he is.
But unfortunately this is not a game really.

bigbadmom - I hope you don't mind a little honesty but if I were in your position and that happened, one of two things would happen

Either - we would have a blazing row where the words thoughtless tw@t and wanker would probably feature quite prolifically and then he would be kicked out and the locks changed....

Or - After he'd gone to work I would pack my bags and go and stay with someone for a while, with the dc/s until he'd learnt his lesson.

Your dh needs a wake up call - who the hell does he think he is - can't believe you are posting so calmly about this tbh. It's not on and there is no excuse.

Definitely take his pressies back and get a refund; with the money treat yourself to a day out/ spa day or whatever floats your boat - ungrateful wretch that he is....

LEM - you said the C word!

I agree with what everyone else has said. The C word is very apt in this case.

It also occurred to me that he might have a problem with being a father. Maybe he feels trapped ? Hence he takes his resentment out on you because after all, it's your fault isn't it that you got pregnant twice, by belittling your changing shape and being charming (presumably) to other women who aren't mothers (or at least who don't have their children with them at work) and then regaling you with insensitive crap about them so you feel inferior. It strikes me that the message he's trying to put across is that somehow he values these other women more - that they live up to what his idea of a woman should be. He can pretend to be Mr Free & Single at work.

Not that this excuses any of his behaviour - obviously - he should have bloody well thought of that before getting his knob out (at least twice) if he didn't want family responsibilities. As for making you feel bad about your weight ..... do you know what, all these revolting men who criticise their partner's size and/or shape, they're never so disgusting are they, that they can't bring themselves to s**g them (sorry to be crude). How bloody contemptuous ..... make you feel bad about yourself, even though you're good enough for them to get their end away even so.

Definitely take those presents back and spend the money specifically on something nice for yourself ... you sound as if you more than deserve a treat. Why waste money on things so ungratefully received which will probably never be used ?

I'd also personally not bother doing anything for him from now on either. Washing, ironing, cooking ..... let him sort himself out. You say he's "great" but haven't actually specified why you think that - he certainly doesn't sound great. Neither have you mentioned how he is in relation to your child .... I hope he doesn't ignore them as well.

This man has serious problems (quite possible alcoholic dad, being sent off to boarding school etc won't have helped). I'd lay it on the line with him and insist he either gets back to counselling so the pair of you can thrash this out once and for all (or at least try to), or alternatively, tell him to eff off back to his secretary and various other dollybirds whom he admires so much. You simply can't live the rest of your life with someone who makes you feel small like this .... I mean, why is he with you if you're so unsatisfactory (allegedly) ? Does he view you simply as a convenient housekeeper and/or a guaranteed s**g ?

I have only read the op and I am shocked!
Dear Mr Ruffallo would never compare my curves unfavourably with other women's! Isn't he supposed to love you unconditionally?

You are carrying his child-bringing a new life into the world-he should be worshipping the ground you walk on.
He is just trying to control you- keeping you on your toes.
I know he is you DH but he sonds like a misoginistic pig. Really, I am quite cross!

Just to offer an alternative view.

I went to a boys private school (albeit non-boarding) and have known many other guys since university and after and everything you say about DH perfectly typifies a certain proportion of them. Principally, that they are (a) superior beings to just about everyone else in the world and (b) if not misogynistic little pricks, then certainly uttely unable to form meaningful relationships with women.

Outwardly, they can be very charming, polite and courteous (since this what they 'should' be) and know the appropriate thing to say or do in most situations. No doubt plenty of other people think he's a great guy. They appear (and often are) self confident around everyone and are incredibly competitive with everyone (especially their friends) about anything but particularly anything physical or to do with social hierarcy, like money or job title. They're obsessed about how other people see them. They put almost everyone down, including friends and colleagues, usually with witty, sarcastic or snippy little remarks saving direct insults for those way below them (e.g. bar staff, receptionists etc.) They don't always mean to, I think it's just their default mode, learned since childhood. They really don't do personal relationships in a meaningful way. Their best friends are from school or university but are really drinking buddies. Women don't figure much on their radar in a relationship way unless they're somehow 'one of the lads'. Generally, they view them as things to flirt with or shag. I've never figured out whether this is because they have a very base opinion of women or because they are simply unable to imagine any other sort of relationship with them.

I know this sounds awfully like a cliche, but it is true. Some of these guys do definitely change over time (e.g. through work or relationships) but some simply don't and/ or don't want to. For these guys to change is incredibly hard because either they genuinely believe that they are perfect or they're so closed off emotionally that they don't know how to change. The strange thing is is that underneath it all (to coin another cliche) a lot of them are terrified of 'failing' in any way. I remember a friend from Eton (my school was nothing like that by the way) saying that he'd never seen so many scared little boys in one place.

Soooo.....

I hate to say this, but this may be just the way he is. It's nothing personal to you and, as you say, he probably doesn't even realise he's a prick. As you also say, there's no point, as other posters say trying to throw things back in his face because he simply won't care. If you said "my ex had a massive knob", he'd simply think "yeah, but so've I, and I'm better looking/ more intelligent/ more successful etc". I'd also say, though and this is not to justify how he is in anyway, he's not a 'bad' person in the sense that he intends to cause offence or hurt people - he just does and doesn't get it.

Underneath the wanker shell there may well be a wonderful guy but digging him out will be a long hard process as you'll be changing an awful lot about him and he'll have to want to change. That's not to say it's not possible, just that it won't be easy.

at your dh. and poor poor you. YANBU

Blimey cestlavie, that's a very good argument for not sending my DS to private school. Just as well I can't afford it, hey?

Dear OP - your thread reminds me why I gave up on British men, at least the public school ones, and married an American.

Time to get tough:

No more lunches with other women.

No more comments about your weight

No more moaning about money when he can take his secretary out to lunch.

Time for him to grow up.

Very thought-provoking post BTW cestlavie.

cccc, there are men who are wankers in all walks of life, english or american. I divorced my american husband and married a privately educated englishman.

to the op, your husband is not treating you with the respect you deserve, please make sure you tell him so.

...and that is why I hate posh men! Dickheads.

I was when I red your op. and you are carrying his child! what a complete twunt.

you need to tell him straight to stop behaving like a cock or you will do soemthing about it. (assuming you DO want to do something?)

how DARE he discuss other people like that when you feel unattractive (and I assume he knows this?) and going for lunch with his secretary when being such an arse at breakfast?!

you HAVE to have it out with him or I suppose he will always treat you like this.

and (((((bigbadmum)))))

Chocchip speaks so much sense - sort him out he is an outrage!
YANBU!!!! I would definitely not stand for this type of cr*p.

But C'est la vie I know plenty of ex-public schoolboys who do not fit your description. My dh included. I know a few who do fit your description too that said...!

I'd say YANBU. But you fell in love with him as he is and it's going to be very difficult to change him. I think part of the way you're feeling is the fact that you have dd and you're 4 months pg. You're knackered from too much driving and you're a SAHM - so, naturally, look forward to events out of the ordinary like you dh's birthday. But instead of celebrating it with you he stalked out the house in a bad temper and celebrated it with his secretary instead. If I were you, I hope you did this anyway - it's quite late now - , I would have pretended this morning hadn't happened and asked him how he wanted to celebrate in the evening / at the weekend to try and salvage it. Otherwise it becomes some big thing in your memory rather than dh getting out of bed the wrong side.
Long term I'd be thinking on focussing on myself a bit more so that I wasn't quite so reliant on him and his moods.

Message withdrawn

Can't excuse the comments about his work colleagues but my DH is also crap at birthdays. This year I bought him a games console which I thought he would love (having not put down his godsons when we went to visit). I made an off the cuff comment about having the receipt to which he suggested that I could take it back as it wasn't what he really wanted. It's hard enough buying presents with 2 young DC's to look after without having to find the time to take them back. it was like a slap in the face. After having a strop I reflected on why he is so crap at b'days and I honestly believe it is because as a child (deep psychology coming up) he always had crap birthdays, never got presents, cake etc and even today he is more likely to get a card from my great Auntie Ethel who he has met once than one from his immediate family.They exchange cheques at Christmas because it is too much effort to think of and buy a present. I just think this is his way of not being disappointed. Have decided to get the DC's to make a big thing of it and have suggested that he needs to find a way of celebrating it for them if it can't do it for himself - we will see in about 9 months time.

I think lennygirl shows clearly that some counselling is needed here. I really do think that. I don't think he will 'hear' you but he might if it was in a more formal environment with a counsellor present who can direct matters a bit.

cestlavie has hit the nail on the head; this is a man who is not doing 'personal relationships in a meaningful way'. He is shallow, shallow, shallow....he shows the surface charm at work to the ladies and unfortunately you get what's left which is pretty much.....zilch.

He needs to step up to the mark; you need to show him that he must. He's not doing an adequate job of being a decent man at the moment. I find the things he says to you cruel and insensitive to a shocking degree. I hope you can make some progress with him.

When I read your post it reminded me sooo much of my ex - luckily I didn't marry him !! no matter how much you love him he clearly isn't giving you the respect that you deserve both as his wife and mother of his kids. I would say that the comments about other women may be a hint to you if he does have a problem with your size, but that it totally unnaceptable. He is probably taking out other women to boost his own ego and maybe he does want another life other than the one he has as I think a lot of us often do, he probably does still love you deeply and perhaps he is having a mid life crisis? but i'm afraid that is no excuse. I would try the following:

1. sit down with him if you can and have a truth session, let someone else have the LO overnight so you can focus on you two only and be REALLY frank with him, the only thing is that you have to be ready to accept the consequences, good or bad.
2. Go away for a few days if you can with or without your LO, tell him where you are going but have a few days without contact so that you can really reflect on things without the usual hum drum interfering, believe me you will know after that time how you really feel. 3)If you don't want to do that please ask yourself when did you lose your self respect so that you would let someone treat you like this? that is the question I asked myself and I made the best decision in my life. Don't get me wrong I know you love him but you HAVE to be happy, you only live one life

Please let us know how you get on.