Using someone en-suite without asking

[FawnFrenchieMum]

Would you be upset (maybe miffed rather then upset) if a family member (who doesn’t live in your house in case it makes a difference) needed to use a sink (not an emergency) and as someone was in the main bathroom decided to use your en-suite sink instead?

For reference, three story house. Living room on middle floor with DS’s bedroom plus en-suite, kitchen & downstairs toilet on the bottom floor, main bathroom, DD’s bedroom and master bedroom with en-suite on the top floor.

Person went from the living room upstairs to use the sink (personally I’d have gone downstairs) found the bathroom engaged and entered our bedroom and used out sink.

AIBU to think this is rude / not the done thing? Would it make a difference depending on who it was?

It depends on family member. Mum, dad, sister, MIL, FIL would be fine. BIL not really (he's v critical and I wouldn't want him to be potentially criticising it). Cousins I see every 10 years, no. Dh's family, meh, depends how dirty it is and how embarrassed I feel!

At a family party at our house my DF asked to use our en suite because someone else was in the downstairs loo, I said no problem but my DH went nuts when he saw him come back downstairs after using it, saying it’s our personal space etc, thankfully only to me otherwise I’d have been so embarrassed because my DF did ask me first and it didn’t occur to me to say anything but yes! So I think it varies depending on the person.

Why didn't they use the kitchen sink? I can see why they used the nearest sink to the main bathroom since they'd already gone up there, but if it was only to wash hands, wouldn't the kitchen sink have done the job?

But, given your 3 storey house set up, I wouldn't have gone upstairs by preference, no. I'd have gone downstairs to the kitchen sink - unless I also needed to use the loo, in which case I might have gone upstairs to the main bathroom.

I think you're overly upset about this though, unless your medical equipment was of a sufficiently intimate nature, and your "family member" was a male. In which case, I'd probably take that a little amiss too.

The use of the ensuite wouldnt bother me so much. It would be the entering my bedroom. And since you cant usually usually get to an ensuite without going through a bedroom, they should have waited.

Was your bedroom door open or closed?

If a bedroom door is closed I probably wouldn't enter. It it was open I would think it's probably OK to nip in and use the loo.

However if I knew the house and knew there was another downstairs I would have gone there first. I might have said to you "Is it OK to use the ensuite as X is in the main bathroom".

That's just me though and people are very different with these things, there's not really a right answer.

I can see why you are miffed, but wouldn't get worked up about it because:

• Family member had already gone up and down one flights of stairs

• Family member may not have been able/couldn't be bothered going up and down another flight of stairs

• There's no family bathroom on the same floor as the living room

• Family member likely saw using en-suite sink as different to going in your bedroom (despite having to go through it), as that wasn't the reason they were there

Next time I'd put them on a floor where there is a bathroom that is not an en-suite to prevent it happening again.

Was your bedroom door open? and the en suite? In which case, they were on the top floor (reasonable choice, lots of people think of bathrooms as being upstairs, very rarely as being on the floor below the living space), they just wanted to wash their hands (or whatever it was) and there was opportunity to that right there, with minimal fuss or interference, without traipsing themselves and their dirty hands etc, all over the house.

I think you are expecting people to have the same functional mental map of your home that you do, to use things in exactly the same way you would and that both expectations are absurd and ridiculous.

The very definition of a first world problem!

I simply couldn’t get exercised about someone using a bathroom as a bathroom. But then I’ve never understood the obsession with en-suites. Shower, shit and shave is all we do in our bathroom. None of this weirdness about having a private space in a family home that no-one else is permitted to sully.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this.

No thank you. Buy a lock for the bedroom door and use it when people come round. I wouldn't want anyone going into our bedroom.

I'd find my privacy invaded but I would assume they were desperate.

@Nicknacky Ah so you get to demand a space that no one else can have. Sounds fair.

How is it not "fair"? My DH has his own bedroom for his gaming, hobbies etc, a double garage for his other hobbies and the kids have their own bedrooms each and a sitting room for them. Plenty of other toilets in the house.

I don't think me asking for my own bathroom is a tall ask....I'm not going to lose any sleep over it anyway

And how were they supposed to know how long your dd would be in the main bathroom? They just wanted access to water, quickly, without any fuss or snooping around.

You'd rather your guest stood around waiting outside a bathroom, possibly looking in through your bedroom door, for want of anything better to do, possibly making your dd feel uncomfortable if she realised someone was hovering outside, than just rinsed their hands and returned directly to the social space?

No, I’d not be bothered at all.

Personally I wouldn't use someone's en suite unless there was no other choice, so would've used the downstairs toilet or the kitchen sink to wash my hands. I consider bedrooms and en suites personal spaces so only go in when I have permission, unless in an emergency.

Did the guest know there was an ensuite beforehand?

If I was upstairs and the main bathroom was in use how would I know there is an en suite? Who would go into a bedroom to look for a bathroom?!

No, a family member would be fine with me.

Hah, I see a pp's suggestion of kitchen sink. That would annoy me far more. That's not a handwashing sink. It might have things in it that I don't want splattered with hand soap. More likely to be an issue while cooking is occurring but it's definitely not a default handwashing sink - that's what bathrooms and cloakrooms are for!

I can see how you felt it was a little invasive, particularly in the context of it being unnecessary.

One thing I am super grateful for when I have a houseful of guests is an en-suite. Lovely super private bathroom all to ourselves.

Though these days the mother in law showers in there because it's easier with her hip (wet-room style) but she's not snoopy so whatever bu5 she doesn't come often...

Hmm......staying with family, need to use a sink for a couple of secs, choice to go down two flights of stairs, or go to the sink a few feet away 🤔

It's family, wouldn't bother me at all they made the obvious choice.

I recently discovered my neighbours in my en suite and I am still annoyed about it. It’s my private space and so is my bedroom.

Posted too soon. I completely understand your feelings!
YADNBU

If I was the guest I might have just dived in the en suite to avoid bumping into someone on the way down and a big ‘the other toilet is busy’ and potential embarrassment of DD.

I think I'd rather they use my ensuite than the main bathroom! The main one is the one the boys use 😬 and i do check it every couple if days, chuck some bleach down the loo etc. But if there's going to be skid marks, that's where they'll be!

I'm intrigued as to what other people have on display in their bedrooms/ensuites that they wouldn't want family members seeing! Sanitary products are hardly taboo and my house is never untidy or dirty enough that I would be ashamed for anyone to see any of the rooms (beds made, washing in the washing basket, etc).

So this wouldn't bother me, although personally I would always go for the downstairs loo/family bathroom at someone else's house.