DH arthritis or laziness

[gentle389]

DH has very bad rheumatoid arthritis, his knees are at risk of collapsing and within the next year will have to have a knee operation. DH whenever he wants a drink will always ask DS who is 21, for example can you make me a cup of tea/coffee, get me some peanuts. Often when DS comes downstairs the very first thing DH will say can you get me something. The reason why he asks DS is I sometimes am not as willing to do something, I've said sometimes to him why don't you get up get it yourself, DH very rarely makes a cup of tea, DH will respond saying why I'm being nasty and don't you know how much I'm pain in. I work 12 hour shifts in factory so I've mentioned how my legs and back are aching too and Dh has responded saying it's nowhere near as bad as having arthritis and I'd like to see you have this pain 24/7.

I definitely am guilty of sometimes not realizing how painful it can be to have arthritis but I don't know whether DH is capable of doing a bit more or whether I'm being unreasonable and and not understanding how much pain DH is in.

YAB sooooooooooooo U.

OMG 😳 his knees are about to collapse and you won’t get him a cup of tea?!?

Hi, have you tried ringing the Arthritis charity Versus Arthritis' helpline? They might be able to give you some advice. Their number's 0300 7900400. Make sure you look after your own needs as well as your DH. It's tough being a carer, especially when you're working full time as well.

"His knees are at risk of collapsing and within the next year will have to have a operation"
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YABU. Without a doubt. Your DH is at risk of his knees collapsing and you're all moaning about him not getting up to do things? His knees might collapse.... Jesus. Suck it up! I'm sure he feels annoyed by it all too!

I have chronic pain and often ask dd or dh to get things for me. Luckily for me they rarely complain as they know how upset I am I cannot do the things I used to do.
Before I got sick I was the one who ran around after everyone else. It is upsetting enough losing your mobility without being berated for it.

Oh no I sound awful, of course most of time I will, I think it's just how much he asks for people to get. DS will be upstirs in his room watching something on T.V, he'll ask DS for a drink and then 20 minutes he'll ask DS again can you get me some biscuits, sometimes it just seems constant, then 30 minutes later he'll want another drink making.

I am sorry how I'm coming across, I'm just exhausted

The pain of moving from a seated position to standing is awful. You’re being unreasonable. Rather than say he’s lazy why not help him or try to understand? Or make his life easier with a kettle in the living room on a side table or even a teas maid? If he’s waiting for surgery and at risk of his knees collapsing I’d say his pain is huge and imagine he injured himself getting a cuppa, scolded himself etc

Also, it’s humiliating asking for help all the time. I imagine he feels awful having to ask too

What about if he had a snack basket next to his chair in the evenings, and making a flask of tea for him? This would minimise the amount of times he is asking others to get up and fetch things for him during an evening.

Perhaps someone could make up a thermos of drinks for him so several servings stay cold/hot over several hours, and perhaps also get him a sofa-side snack repository? (biscuit tin)

I have a water boiler next to me. 2 litres and hot drinks on demand. Pus he could have a thermos of milk and a few snacks. Set him up for the evening.

Because 12 hour factory shifts and caring is not nothing!

The 24 hour pain thing too, it is difficult to understand unless you have experience it. There is bo respite from it, painkillers only slightly dull it. Even in bed I wake every hour or so in pain and often have to sit up, so I am exhausted.
During the day I sometimes sit there desperate for a drink or the loo but it hurts to much to get up.

On a practical note have you looked at mobility aids and things like riser chairs to help. I have refused them up to now as I fell embarrassed and struggled to accept my situation. Iam looking at them as now though as I need things to help me move about. You can get worst from not moving and I need to keep as mobile as possible.

• felt embarrassed

As someone who has always been very active (and still am when I am able) but has now had arthritis for over twenty years, I would say, you comparing aching after working all day to arthritis pain is fucking insulting. I can’t speak for your DH, but I am in pain, to some degree or another ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Most of the time I just stfu and get on with it because I’m aware that other people just don’t want to know. Sometimes I still do things I really really shouldn’t (like spend three hours cutting the grass in our enormous garden) even though it often ends up with me being on my sticks or in my bed the next day or two. That’s because I don’t want to feel like an incapable person dependent on others but also because I don’t want to wear out the goodwill of those around me. Luckily my whole family and friends are supportive and usually I don’t even have to ask for their help, they offer it. Sometimes it’s better for me to keep moving, but sometimes it’s just not possible and thankfully no one here begrudges making a cup of tea when I’ve done as much as I can.

‘Support’ is listed.

I have psoriatic arthritis, which is similar, I have had one knee replaced, and while I was waiting for my operation, I tended not to move as much, but it was a mistake, as i put weight on and got very unfit, breathless etc. It took a while to get back to fitness. However, my other knee and ankle are very bad now, but I am determined to keep moving, as I know the rest of my body will deteriorate if I don't. It is painful to stand from sitting, but it only gets worse if I don't move regularly, at least every 20 mins. I need to get out every day and walk for at least an hour, although I take regular rests on benches etc, as well as keep moving in the house.

There was another poster I saw yesterday who said she had damaged her shoulder and said she felt like an invalid. I didn’t have it in me to respond.

DH has walking stick which he uses a lot of time. Hopefully DH will be bale to get his operation soon. If I'm at work DS doesn't want to travel far incase DH knees does collapse and he needs to be there pronto. Also DS would like to visit London at some point with me but we can't leave DH here alone and sadly DH wouldn't be able to come.

I have RA. The pain is worst of all in the morning. Sometimes the morning starts at 2am. It does get better as the day goes on but if he is vlise to having surgery that indicates horrific pain. You cannot compare it with a days work aches and pains.
I'm ok atm but at it's worst I long to be able to let friends and family feel what it's like. Chronic pain sucks every scrap of joy out of life. You learn to bite your tongue and not complain all the time because however much they love you your family doesn't want to hear it.
Having said all that one thing that makes it worse is immobility. He should do his best to gently and slowly move around.

Yeah, you're being unreasonable OP.

Well, you've been told by previous posters YABU not have have realised the pain and arthritis-related fatigue he's in, so I won't bang on.

But for the love of the wee donkey, and I say this as someone with inflammatory arthritis, why on earth as a family haven't you organised things better than this before now in order that that so many separate 'fetching' trips aren't necessary? He can have a table of drinks, a biscuit tin, you name it.

Or does he want the company?

Or are you saying he likes being bossy (people with arthritis can be twats too) and you're struggling to say that?

Try injecting ground glass underneath your kneecaps and then, with the tiredness (and probably a nice little dose of flu and Covid, just to get the right level of exhaustion), you might have an idea of how he feels.

YAB so unreasonable.

I’ve got arthritis in multiple joints and my spine as well as other problems. DH and my kids don’t begrudge making me cups of tea or getting me things if I’m having a bad day. When your joints are really stiff and painful standing up is ridiculously painful.

I don’t want to be like this. I doubt your DH does either. Try supporting him.

Feeling frustrated is understandable for both of you. It sounds like you feel your own needs have been eclipsed in comparison with your DH’s and all your lives are curtailed.