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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH arthritis or laziness

143 replies

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 20:38

DH has very bad rheumatoid arthritis, his knees are at risk of collapsing and within the next year will have to have a knee operation. DH whenever he wants a drink will always ask DS who is 21, for example can you make me a cup of tea/coffee, get me some peanuts. Often when DS comes downstairs the very first thing DH will say can you get me something. The reason why he asks DS is I sometimes am not as willing to do something, I've said sometimes to him why don't you get up get it yourself, DH very rarely makes a cup of tea, DH will respond saying why I'm being nasty and don't you know how much I'm pain in. I work 12 hour shifts in factory so I've mentioned how my legs and back are aching too and Dh has responded saying it's nowhere near as bad as having arthritis and I'd like to see you have this pain 24/7.

I definitely am guilty of sometimes not realizing how painful it can be to have arthritis but I don't know whether DH is capable of doing a bit more or whether I'm being unreasonable and and not understanding how much pain DH is in.

OP posts:
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 28/07/2021 23:13

Right well that's not enough, treatment has changed in 15 years, he could be on biologics and living a great life, why isn't he? Paracetamol wouldn't scratch an inch of RA pain, so he needs telling that a rheumatology apt has to be made. He needs to be proactive here.

Original poster
gentle389 · 28/07/2021 23:14

Of course he could go but he'd like to go with both of his parents and obviously DH is not up for it at the moment and I can't leave DH here and go with DS as that would be unfair to DH.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2021 23:17

@gentle389

DH takes paracetamol for the pain, he also has steroid injections in his knees every 3 months. He's had arthritis for I'd say 15 years now so DS doesn't really remember a time without DH having arthritis but it's gotten progressively worse over time.
Interesting. My orthopaedic surgeon refuses to give repeated steroid injections because they have decreased efficacy after each injection, I was refused any additional injections after the first, as were others I know who suffer, for the same reason. So now I'm on a cocktail if naproxen, gabapentin, and codeine plus paracetamol, just to keep everything moving.

15 years you say? I wonder if different trusts have differing protocols? And just taking paracetamol? Sounds odd. Perhaps he's due a pain relief review? Confused

Original poster
gentle389 · 28/07/2021 23:18

DH has been on so many different tablets but a lot of the time he ends up with side effects, he went one which I can't remember off the top of my head which made him have nightmares, weeing a lot and I mean a lot.

We get frustrated as one doctor will tell him to go one medicine and then another will tell him no you shouldn't be on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
gentle389 · 28/07/2021 23:19

Oh I remember he was on Naproxen at one point

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2021 23:20

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RubyGoat · 28/07/2021 23:22

It's exhausting being in constant pain. I am in pain most of the time, it fluctuates between tolerable, where I can get on with normal things, & so bad I'm glad I don't own a gun.

He needs to be more organised. (So do you, ideally, but this is really on him.) What does he want? Not just now, but a few hours later? Drinks (hot & cold, in insulated containers), snacks, tissues, remote control & other devices, chargers, medication, etc. A tray to put them on. Any mobility aids need to be within reach. Asking for things every 20 minutes isn't on.

If your DS doesn't know what racking is, why not? Who uses the racking? Why have they never mentioned it to DS, does he never really do stuff in the garage? If DS doesn't know what racking is because no-one has told him, that's not his fault. And it makes your DH sound like a prize arsehole. Regardless of any health issues.

Original poster
gentle389 · 28/07/2021 23:23

He had to stop taking naproxen as they were making his feet swell, he's also had cellulitis twice this year.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 28/07/2021 23:23

@gentle389

DH has been on so many different tablets but a lot of the time he ends up with side effects, he went one which I can't remember off the top of my head which made him have nightmares, weeing a lot and I mean a lot.

We get frustrated as one doctor will tell him to go one medicine and then another will tell him no you shouldn't be on that.

Sounds familiar, can sympathise with this.
CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2021 23:24

@gentle389

He had to stop taking naproxen as they were making his feet swell, he's also had cellulitis twice this year.
Twice? How unfortunate.
budgun · 28/07/2021 23:26

@gentle389

Of course he could go but he'd like to go with both of his parents and obviously DH is not up for it at the moment and I can't leave DH here and go with DS as that would be unfair to DH.
Oh, sorry. That's not how I read your post. My mistake. I thought you were going.
SpindleWhorl · 28/07/2021 23:30

His medications are bonkers for his level of severity.

BlankTimes · 28/07/2021 23:46

Lots of people have made great suggestions for him to have a thermos/chiller bottle, snacks etc. to hand and suggested an urgent medication review.

There are so many helpful things you can have around the house for him so he's not straining his knees as much as he would using ordinary furniture and fittings.

Does he have (and this is by no means a comprehensive list)
a riser chair
a walking aid or several
a shower-seat and/or grab rails
raised toilet seat
a bath lift
heat packs
cold packs
support splints

Backofbeyond50 · 28/07/2021 23:47

I sympathise with all of you OP. My DH has PA but at times I really feel he doesn't help himself by forgetting to take meds and not moving enough. He can also be quite nasty. I remember on one occasion him swearing at the top of his voice as he was constipated. I was waiting to wipe his bum as he struggled at the time and I stupidly commented that I had been constipated and now had piles. His response was I don't care about your fucking piles.
Dealing with someone with a chronic illness is hard especially if they get nasty with it.
Incidentally he is physically much better now he is on different drugs but he still opts out of doing stuff. Eg he had a day off today but I was working in a hard physical job yet I still made lunch and dinner for everyone.
Sorry to derail.

Original poster
gentle389 · 28/07/2021 23:47

Thankyou everyone for your advice and sending all those suffering and in pain love and prayers

OP posts:
Glitterblue · 28/07/2021 23:57

I can't even begin to describe the pain of arthritis. It's absolutely excruciating. I have it in my hips and ankles, and I can barely walk. Getting from sitting to standing is just horrific. People say walking or moving around helps- it doesn't help me. I walked around town today with my sticks and tonight I'm in so much pain. I hate asking for help but have had to ask DD to nip upstairs for something for me, and DH has been running about doing things for me (I haven't asked, he's insisted). I hate not being able to do things for myself and feel as if I'm losing so much independence.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2021 23:59

@gentle389

Thankyou everyone for your advice and sending all those suffering and in pain love and prayers
Decent painkillers would be far more appreciated op!! Grin
Original poster
gentle389 · 29/07/2021 00:01

I definitely need to be more understanding of DH and how much pain he's in, it's difficult when someone's in a lot of pain and the result is seeing someone be nasty and not nice. DS is more sensitive so when DH shouts at him he get upset by it but DH says DS needs to toughen up as he must be living live the life of riley with no pain or anything wrong with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
gentle389 · 29/07/2021 00:04

Hopefully fingers crossed DH can have his surgery soon as I know it would mean a lot to him and would change his life.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 29/07/2021 00:07

@gentle389

Hopefully fingers crossed DH can have his surgery soon as I know it would mean a lot to him and would change his life.
Oooh and yours too op, no more tea making for you! Yay!
CandyLeBonBon · 29/07/2021 00:09

DS is more sensitive so when DH shouts at him he get upset by it but DH says DS needs to toughen up as he must be living live the life of riley with no pain or anything wrong with him.

Well in that case, I'd LTB. I hope you're putting your ducks in a row?

Bipbopboo66 · 29/07/2021 00:19

RA is a horrible thing to live with.
My Mum had it from 21.
She managed. But it takes understanding from family. Putting things in place to help.
My Dad diy'ed stuff. A thing to help her turn keys,shut the garage.
She volunteered for Arthritis Care for years.
They dont seem to exist any more, but i expect there are charities out there that can help.
My Mum was not lazy, she just had days when the pain was too much.

Lorw · 29/07/2021 00:32

Defo get him a thermos (you can get big 3ltr+ ones) that keep the tea warm for ages and a snack basket etc, work smarter not harder 😁

When someone is in pain a lot of the time I imagine it is very hard to live with for all parties, finding ways to alleviate tension between members of the family should be first priority.

Summerfun54321 · 29/07/2021 00:39

Living at home with a disabled parent means an element of care and patience is needed. If your DS doesn’t want to live in that environment then he can move out. It’s not really fair to expect your husband to pretend he’s not disabled.