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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH arthritis or laziness

143 replies

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 20:38

DH has very bad rheumatoid arthritis, his knees are at risk of collapsing and within the next year will have to have a knee operation. DH whenever he wants a drink will always ask DS who is 21, for example can you make me a cup of tea/coffee, get me some peanuts. Often when DS comes downstairs the very first thing DH will say can you get me something. The reason why he asks DS is I sometimes am not as willing to do something, I've said sometimes to him why don't you get up get it yourself, DH very rarely makes a cup of tea, DH will respond saying why I'm being nasty and don't you know how much I'm pain in. I work 12 hour shifts in factory so I've mentioned how my legs and back are aching too and Dh has responded saying it's nowhere near as bad as having arthritis and I'd like to see you have this pain 24/7.

I definitely am guilty of sometimes not realizing how painful it can be to have arthritis but I don't know whether DH is capable of doing a bit more or whether I'm being unreasonable and and not understanding how much pain DH is in.

OP posts:

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 28/07/2021 22:08

Is your OH taking anything for depression OP, as when you're in chronic pain everyday it is EXTREMELY hard to remain positive and even keeping a 'normal' mood can be tricky? I've been seriously disabled for 20 odd years and still struggle occasionally, my OH has only recently been diagnosed with arthritis in his knees, and is struggling with the feelings he has of being useless, because he can't do the things he used to do, and he's actually MY carer! Over the years we have always tried to work out the things that would be useful to have by my bed so that I'm not constantly needing to shout for help, and as others have said, this is the first thing you should set up for him. I also think that comments about him wanting company could be a part of his problems too. Does he have a laptop that he can use for entertainment, and to help while away a few hours? Does he have any hobbies that could be adapted so that he can do something to make himself feel like his life is worth living? I know it must be really hard for you, what with having a full time job and the normal chores involved in running a household, but perhaps, you could try and be a bit more understanding, and spend a bit more time with him when he's having a bad day and needs a bit of company. Another thought, does he have any friends who could be invited around to visit and give him a bit of company, etc? Could you perhaps get someone (friend, relative, neighbour) to spend the day with him, so that you and your son can have the occasional day out, so that you too get some respite? Just ideas, but hopefully some might be helpful, and while your initial post did sound horrible, I can understand how you might feel that he's being lazy, as my OH used to have a tendency to be a bit that way, so it took me a while to realise that he was in genuine pain and not just feeling idle. I hope he gets his operation soon, and that that improves things for all of you.

ILoveYou3000 · 28/07/2021 22:10

@gentle389

DS is always offering to make him drinks and get him things, when he made that comment about killing himself I had a stern word with him afterwards that I will not tolerate threats of suicide in front of DS.

Your son clearly gets it more than you. His 'threat' was likely said in the midst of a pain you can't imagine. The despair is real. It's relentless and then you have people who are supposed to care about you, more interested in labelling you lazy than trying to empathise and understand. No he shouldn't have said that in front of your son but why don't you try talking to your husband and listening to what he's going through.

Original poster

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 22:11

DH works which he can still do at the moment, which DH is very thankful for so he’s not stuck at home all day

OP posts:

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 28/07/2021 22:14

I work too, I have kids, I have to live my life just like your DH, doesn't mean the pain is not constant. He is trying to live with it. What is his treatment?

Original poster

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 22:36

I do sympathise with DH, it must be hell to be living with all the pain and I couldn’t imagine having to deal with it. However sometimes when DH is having a bad he can have a short fuse and be nasty.

One example was DS was helping DH in the garage and DH asked DS to get something from the racking and DS didn’t know what racking meant. This led to DH shouting how he should be ashamed of not knowing what racking is at his age and he might need to go the doctors as there’s something not right in his head to get to his age and be that clueless.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2021 22:42

He does need to be able to ask for things less frequently rather than regard the household as at his beck and call. When I’m sick in bed or breastfeeding a newborn I don’t ask for help every 20 mins. Especially breastfeeding as that’s weeks- I have a tub of things I need so a hot drink is the only thing I have to ask for, and I use a thermos during the day.

Original poster

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 22:46

DH has made jokes before how DS is his waiter, which I mean I don't know if that's just humour or what

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 28/07/2021 22:48

How old is your DS?

Original poster

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 22:49

He's 21

OP posts:

JustLyra · 28/07/2021 22:52

You don’t sound like you have a sympathetic bone in you.

Zotter · 28/07/2021 22:55

YABVVVVU

Tinpotspectator · 28/07/2021 22:55

I actually don't think anyone can truly answer. Everyone's RA is different. It's known that RA is extremely painful but that doesn't mean that constant sitting is always best for it. Was he previously in the habit of getting others to run around, or is this new? If it's more recent, in line with the start of the flare up, then likely to be genuine, isn't it?

CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2021 22:55

And the drip feeds begin.

No one can say if your dh is a terrible parent for snapping at your ds for not knowing about racking.

Sometimes people snap at each other. Sometimes it's a pattern of something more sinister and sometimes it's not but I'm a little 🙄 at your latest update because honestly it just seems like you really just want to find reason to justify your dislike of him.

If you don't like your dh and his behaviour, then own it, don't dress it up as something else.

kerosene20 · 28/07/2021 22:57

@Foobydoo

I have chronic pain and often ask dd or dh to get things for me. Luckily for me they rarely complain as they know how upset I am I cannot do the things I used to do. Before I got sick I was the one who ran around after everyone else. It is upsetting enough losing your mobility without being berated for it.

This ❤️

NichyNoo · 28/07/2021 22:59

I’m going against the grain here. You say he works outside of the home. So he is capable of leaving the house and holding down a job. So he is capable of making a cup of tea. No?

minatrina · 28/07/2021 22:59

I'm only young and my autoimmune arthritis is pretty mild, but I don't think well people understand that it's not just the pain (which is dreadful to begin with, by the way), it's the exhaustion that seems to be set deep into your bones and it's the feeling of utter uselessness. Depression is incredibly common with chronic illness sufferers. Imagine trying to function and be cheery whilst being in agonising pain, deeply exhausted, and depressed.

I dread to think what I'd feel like if my condition was anywhere near as bad as what it sounds like your DH's is. I'm so glad my husband is supportive.

grapewine · 28/07/2021 22:59

I snap too, it comes from being in pain all day, every day.

If you don't like your dh and his behaviour, then own it, don't dress it up as something else.

This.

minatrina · 28/07/2021 23:01

@NichyNoo

I’m going against the grain here. You say he works outside of the home. So he is capable of leaving the house and holding down a job. So he is capable of making a cup of tea. No?

With respect, it's really not that simple. Going to work every day would often absolutely knock it out of me and would leave me having to rest all evening, and my AI disease is nowhere near as bad as what OP's husband's sounds like.

NumberTheory · 28/07/2021 23:03

@gentle389

Was he like this before the pain got bad?

He could just be a dickhead, or he could be unable to cope with his condition and is taking it out on others because he doesn't have other mechanisms. If it's the former I think the good options are very different from if it's the latter.

Meraas · 28/07/2021 23:03

YANBU, my aunt has rheumatoid arthritis and has had multiple operations but still keeps moving and doing housework, she doesn’t want to be sedentary.

Your DH may be in pain but he is also milking the situation and rubbing it in yours and DS’s faces.

Do you even love him? Don’t feel you have to stay with because of his arthritis.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 28/07/2021 23:05

@NichyNoo

I’m going against the grain here. You say he works outside of the home. So he is capable of leaving the house and holding down a job. So he is capable of making a cup of tea. No?

Nichy the effort and pain and mental energy it takes to work often means that when a person gets home, they are beyond moving or doing anything at all.

I note OP has still not said what treatment the DH is receiving. You have a thread here full of people in the same boat who would be happy to advise but all you are concerned about is your husband snapping at your son. Do you not believe his pain? If you do believe he is in constant pain, do you not understand the anger and upset? It's misplaced, absolutely it is, and your DS doesn't deserve it. But did your DH always shout at the kids before he became ill? Cos if not, then you can see it's his health. Of he did, then what the fuck were you doing the last 21 years staying with him?

user1493494961 · 28/07/2021 23:08

I agree with the one other pp, it sounds like he plays on it a bit.

minatrina · 28/07/2021 23:10

@Meraas

YANBU, my aunt has rheumatoid arthritis and has had multiple operations but still keeps moving and doing housework, she doesn’t want to be sedentary.

Your DH may be in pain but he is also milking the situation and rubbing it in yours and DS’s faces.

Do you even love him? Don’t feel you have to stay with because of his arthritis.

Just because your aunt was able to keep mobile doesn't mean everyone else with the same condition is able to. It affects everybody differently, with different symptoms and to different degrees.

OP's husbands joints are literally at the point of collapsing for crying out loud

Original poster

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 23:10

DH takes paracetamol for the pain, he also has steroid injections in his knees every 3 months. He's had arthritis for I'd say 15 years now so DS doesn't really remember a time without DH having arthritis but it's gotten progressively worse over time.

OP posts:

unsureofneighbour · 28/07/2021 23:12

I'm a bit confused as to why this stops your 21 year old son from going to London's with you. Surely your son is the one who should be free to go, and you stay home with your DH?

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