Page 2 | DH arthritis or laziness

Bythemillpond · 28/07/2021 21:10

I have arthritis and getting up out of my seat for anything is excruciating and I cannot walk properly. I sort of shuffle with every movement being agony

The weather atm is not helping. Had a couple of nice days and now gone back to raining.

Used to go to Spain regularly and the difference was amazing. I could actually run

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 21:11

is he not being offered a wheelchair ? sounds so awful and both knees 😳

Original poster

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 21:14

On a couple of occasions DH has been in so much pain it's resulted in DH saying something to the effect of "I might as well stick a knife in my keck and kill myself, I might do it" in front of me and DS which made DS become very upset on hearing.

OP posts:

YippeeKiYay155 · 28/07/2021 21:14

I am early 40s and have severe osteoarthritis. I have it in both knees and my hip, as well as my hands. I take morphine morning and evening which takes the edge off the pain but never gets rid of it. I am losing my mobility and cannot do all the things I want to do. If I do something like hoovering, I will suffer for it for the next 2 days. Its bloody miserable. I constantly worry about being a burden on my family so do as much as I can although I know I will pay for it pain wise later on. Chronic pain is truly shit and unless you live with it it is impossible to imagine. I can understand you are tired, but I really bristled at your title. I would be so upset if my husband though I was lazy, rather than struggling in pain so sorry OP but YABU.

spinningspaniels · 28/07/2021 21:15

There's an ocean between "supporting" and "enabling".

He needs a better system like PP's have suggested. My Dad has got RA. He has easy meals in his freezer for days he doesn't want to stand and cook; and has a wheeled 3 shelf trolley that he keeps his phone on, painkillers, tv remotes, hot water bottles etc and things he uses daily. He can push this easily into whatever room he's in. He's got a kettle in the kitchen, and uses a thermos with a tap on for during the day.

Being a pain doesn't mean that everyone else has to run round after you - it sounds hard for all of you, OP

fantastaballs · 28/07/2021 21:16

Another RA sufferer here.

The pain in my knees is constant. I hate it. I'm 41 and can't leave my house 3-4 days a week but despite needing a knee replacement I was instead given a Brexit remedy and declared that my knees can now magically wait until I'm at least 45 before needing surgery. Then ill likely get a corona cure and be told that I can surely wait until I'm 50/55.

Do you have any idea what it's like being in pain ALL THE TIME? Not just pain from bone grinding against bone but inflamed synovial fluid is hideous. The tiredness is killer too. Like pregnancy tiredness on steroids

Your poor oh.

fantastaballs · 28/07/2021 21:18

I do are though that you need to out better systems in place so that on a good day at least, he can sort a majority of his own things out. I still cook etc but had to compromise with pre prepared veg etc and a tall stool in the kitchen . But some days I am totally bed/couch bound

CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2021 21:20

@gentle389

DH has very bad rheumatoid arthritis, his knees are at risk of collapsing and within the next year will have to have a knee operation. DH whenever he wants a drink will always ask DS who is 21, for example can you make me a cup of tea/coffee, get me some peanuts. Often when DS comes downstairs the very first thing DH will say can you get me something. The reason why he asks DS is I sometimes am not as willing to do something, I've said sometimes to him why don't you get up get it yourself, DH very rarely makes a cup of tea, DH will respond saying why I'm being nasty and don't you know how much I'm pain in. I work 12 hour shifts in factory so I've mentioned how my legs and back are aching too and Dh has responded saying it's nowhere near as bad as having arthritis and I'd like to see you have this pain 24/7.

I definitely am guilty of sometimes not realizing how painful it can be to have arthritis but I don't know whether DH is capable of doing a bit more or whether I'm being unreasonable and and not understanding how much pain DH is in.

I am waiting for a knee replacement for grade 4 arthritis and a knee that has no ligaments and is often unstable. It's excruciating. It wakes me up in the night, it gives way and there are days when I can hardly walk. I'm always asking my kids to make me a cuppa because it sometimes really fucking hurts just to stand up.

So, politely, yabu. HTH

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 28/07/2021 21:21

Fellow RA and PSA sufferer here, going on over 30 years. You haven't a clue of the pain and fatigue and anger and misery that your DH is going through, and that's fine, you don't have RA, you won't know. But at least have some empathy.

RA is an auto immune condition, the op on the knees will help, but won't cure. Is he on any biologics?

ILoveYou3000 · 28/07/2021 21:21

I have RA, it's not just the pain it's the exhaustion and general feeling unwell that comes along with it. My kids don't need me to ask them to make me anything, they offer constantly because they can see how hard it is for me to even function some days. It's actually soul-destroying some days.

Does your son have an issue with helping his dad out?

NumberTheory · 28/07/2021 21:21

Chronic pain is incredibly debilitating, it doesn't sound like your DH is being lazy. But he also isn't being very considerate if he's asking for things every 30 minutes when he could combine those requests.

Is it possible it's as much to do with wanting more human connection? If he doesn't feel like he can move around much - your DS is upstairs you're out at work, he's pretty much stuck in a chair feeling confined?

Is there any access to family counseling or some other assistance for you all to help cope?

CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2021 21:22

@Bythemillpond

I have arthritis and getting up out of my seat for anything is excruciating and I cannot walk properly. I sort of shuffle with every movement being agony

The weather atm is not helping. Had a couple of nice days and now gone back to raining.

Used to go to Spain regularly and the difference was amazing. I could actually run

What's running?

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 28/07/2021 21:22

And while it's not ideal that he said it in front of your DS, there have been several occasions in my life that I've tried or threatened to end things because the pain was beyond unbearable.

LST · 28/07/2021 21:23

Fuck me you a being unreasonable. I have RA. I am waiting for 5 joints currently. Both knees. It's excruciating. Your opening post has made me so angry

LST · 28/07/2021 21:25

@QueenBee52

is he not being offered a wheelchair ? sounds so awful and both knees 😳

I have 1 hip replaced and I am on the list for the other and both knees. I can barely walk some days and I have never been offered a crutch let alone a wheelchair

grapewine · 28/07/2021 21:44

Chronic pain is fucking relentless and soul destroying, and you are being so unreasonable.

This is exactly why I don't ask for help.

grapewine · 28/07/2021 21:49

@gentle389

On a couple of occasions DH has been in so much pain it's resulted in DH saying something to the effect of "I might as well stick a knife in my keck and kill myself, I might do it" in front of me and DS which made DS become very upset on hearing.

He shouldn't have said it in front of you. But I get it. Some days are like that.

DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 28/07/2021 21:50

@gentle389

On a couple of occasions DH has been in so much pain it's resulted in DH saying something to the effect of "I might as well stick a knife in my keck and kill myself, I might do it" in front of me and DS which made DS become very upset on hearing.

Uh huh. And even though he’s actually verbalised this, you still think he’s a lazy git for asking you and DC to get him a cup of tea etc? Or did you think that this would get PPs onside? I’ve had days where I’ve honestly felt that I’ve had enough, I wouldn’t say suicidal, but just thinking if I didn’t exist anymore it would be a bloody relief.

DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 28/07/2021 21:53

@grapewine

Chronic pain is fucking relentless and soul destroying, and you are being so unreasonable.

This is exactly why I don't ask for help.

This is why I don’t ask for help Oh god that is awful to hear someone else say.

. I often think this and I don’t even have people around me who make me feel this way, I just naturally feel it anyway. It’s so shit isn’t it?

DismantledKing · 28/07/2021 21:54

Does he claim PIP? That could help with adaptations that would make things easier.

grapewine · 28/07/2021 21:57

I often think this and I don’t even have people around me who make me feel this way, I just naturally feel it anyway. It’s so shit isn’t it?'

Yes, it is utterly shit. Feeling like a burden is exhausting and trying to function is as well. Some days are better than others, but yes. for you too.

MiaMarshmallows · 28/07/2021 22:00

RA is horrible. Have a few relatives with it and seeing how much they suffer I horrendous.
One of them is only in her thirties and is in pain everyday with burning toes, knees which give way, painful wrists etc. Awful disease and very misunderstood

Original poster

gentle389 · 28/07/2021 22:04

DS is always offering to make him drinks and get him things, when he made that comment about killing himself I had a stern word with him afterwards that I will not tolerate threats of suicide in front of DS.

OP posts:

TheHobbitMum · 28/07/2021 22:04

I too have severe/chronic RA and feel such a burden at times, especially asking for help with the very basic things. I can see from both sides how hard it is though but a 13hr shift is really nowhere near a comparison.
Have you looked up the Spoon Theory by Christine Miserando (I'm sure that's her name), she explains so well how to relate and understand chronic pain & exhaustion and my family & friends have more respect for what we go through after reading it?

I sincerely hope he gets his operation very, very soon

RuthW · 28/07/2021 22:05

I have arthritis in my knee. He must be in agony. Yabu.