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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS (10) wants to stay back a year in school

123 replies

Lima1 · 28/07/2021 11:19

My DS was 10 at end of March. He is going into 5th class (we are in Ireland, I think it is Year 6 in UK) in September. He is tiny for his age, only 128 cm and very slim. He is the smallest in his class and always has been. We are a family of small people and he will never be big. Both my other DS (almost 12) and DD (13) are also very small for their age.
His height has been the cause of a lot of slagging from his classmates. It ranges from meaner stuff like the bigger boys (cowards) challenging him to fights, to comments about his height. He plays sports and while he is quite good, he is finding the physicality of it more difficult. For example he says when he jostles someone, they barely mover, but when he is jostled, he is sent flying.

He is one of the youngest in the class, most have turned or are soon turning 11. He plays in a football team with his classmates but struggles because of his height. He plays in a football and hurling team with the younger class and he loves it as they are physically more suited.

He doesnt want me to mention any of the boy's names to the school for fear of backlash.
He has friends in his class (mainly the other small boys) but they are all starting to get taller and he that is bothering him. He has loads of friends in the younger class as he plays two sports with them.

I really dont know what to do. The likelihood is no matter what class he is in, he will be the smallest or one of the smallest. I am worried about comments from both classes about why he is staying back and that could be worse than what he is facing now.

I am not even sure if the school would agree to keeping him back, I am due to meet the principal tomorrow to discuss.

Has anyone experience with this?

Thanks

OP posts:
NotPregnantJustChubs · 28/07/2021 11:26

Hmm I don’t know the Irish system well (I teach in France), but I think school are very unlikely to say yes if there is no academic reason. Is DS the one who initiated this request? Is it a small primary school? Secondary is likely to be a much more diverse pool of kids, big, small and otherwise.

What’s his school work like?

WentworthPrison · 28/07/2021 11:31

Do not pander to this. You can't possibly allow your child to be held back a year because he's short. Ffs.
Should I have moved back about 3 year groups because I'm really, really short and occasionally got knocked on the netball pitch? It's ludicrous.

Original poster
Lima1 · 28/07/2021 11:33

Thank you, I also think the school will say no. Academically he is great, would be near the top of the class. Its a small primary, there is a total of about 40 kids in his year group, about 250 kids in the school. He has two years left in the school.

I want him to be happy in school and I am torn between fighting to give him what he wants and teaching him to be resilient and more confident.

He initiated the request, he has been making comments related to his lack of confidence due to his size but he has outright asked to be allowed to stay back a year now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lima1 · 28/07/2021 11:36

Wentworth - I was also the smallest in my class and my other kids are too. It hasn't really affected them, they would prefer to be taller but have coped fine.
DS's class are quite big and strong and he is feeling physically intimidated everyday in school. He is scared, I don't think considering his request is pandering to him.

OP posts:
qualitygirl · 28/07/2021 11:36

I would at least talk to the school, possibly after covid they may be ok with it. I know a few ppl in my DD's school who are staying back and repeating 6th class. They will do it if they have space I would say.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 28/07/2021 11:37

I'm in Ireland too OP. My understanding is it's unusual now for someone to be kept back a year but you're taking the right steps by meeting with the Principal to discuss your concerns.
I think if there is a concern over anxiety and overall mental health that should be listened to.
Have a look at the guidelines beforehand as if you go in with an understanding on grounds for considering this it will help you shape your discussion.
www.ippn.ie/index.php/9-uncategorised/7576-retention-of-a-pupil-in-the-same-grade-in-primary-schools

Wishing you and your son well. It must be very difficult watching him feel this so strongly.

Wbeezer · 28/07/2021 11:38

My nephew was deferred a year at the start of primary school as he was one of the youngest and also v small. Both his parents had late puberty and his dad was teased a lot about it. Even with deferral and thus being the oldest in the class he was still the smallest and last to go through puberty. What I'm getting at is if he's that small it won't make enough of a difference to be worth it even if it's allowed.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/07/2021 11:40

I can see form a growth perspective.... But woudnt he be very bored repeating all the work??
(I was held back from an oversubscribed secondary - they did it to all the september born kids)... It was an utterly boring and wasted year...

leakymcleakleak · 28/07/2021 11:40

Does he have any friends the year below OP? Wont they all get bigger than him eventually so its just delaying the inevitable? I was one of the youngest in my class but academically able and would have been really bored and coasted if I was a year below. He does seem to be borderline: I know they've changed the ages now so its usually what, 4 by April before starting? So he is the equivalent to August-born in the UK system.

In Ireland they're usually much more flexible about allowing year changes but I've not heard of it happening so far in unless there were other reasons: I know a few people who stayed back in junior/senior infants. I'd actually see what the principal can suggest around other issues. It sounds like there's low-level bullying going on that hasn't been addressed. I have a nephew who is a similar age and similar size, he is going to be going to secondary soon and I do wonder about how he'll get on, he's about a head and shoulders below most other boys. But no hassle about it to date. How does your 12 year old get on? It may be he's just in a 'bad' year for him, will the same cohort go to the same secondary? on the one hand this could be a way to get him out of that group.

I would also consider going to the GP - hard to get a sense of how small he is, but I do know someone who ended up being diagnosed quite late with a growth hormone deficiency around that age. Though sounds like its not a big issue. Its a tricky one, I wouldn't rule it out out of hand, but my big fears would be he'd get bored/lazy, and he'd just be delaying the inevitable. Also that it could all kick in at secondary.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 28/07/2021 11:43

To add to my post, it does look unlikely he would be kept back given his academics but if there is an issue then I would ask the school for their support to address it in other ways.

I have a very tall child. She is highly aware of it and if I had a euro for every time someone commented on it, I wouldn't be standing here about to clean my own home. What helped her is that her school principal is also very very tall and she said to her how thrilled she was to see another tall person in the school like DD. I know your son is older than my DD so this might not work but just an idea.
Also what about different sports where size isn't as important? Karate / golf? Anything else he has an interest in?

Notimeforaname · 28/07/2021 11:44

No,I wouldn't do this. Academically he is fine and as you pointed out,he's likely to be smaller than most, no matter what class.

I felt like your son from 5th class right up to about 4th or 5th year(then I stopped caring as it was evident I would 'develop' any further)
I'm barely 5'2...even smaller back in primary school.

I have no chest or hips,never have. Im also ginger GrinOn my confirmation most of the girls were 12 or almost 12 ..with boobs and periods and I was a 'tiny child'.

I sympathise with your son but staying back a year and changing classes will not teach him to to love himself and his place in the world and feel worthy of it iyswim...it teaches him to run away,put it off for another year to try to fit in with others sizes.
He is who he is. Regardless of his size. I feel sad for him and you op .

The bullying should be addressed though. It's a tough one because ive been bullied and had the backlash of 'telling' .
But my mother and I just kept at it. No way was she going to let me back down and run away just because of how I looked.

I hope he can eventually feel better in himself and more confident. And those awful bullies get some sort of talking to/punishment.

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 28/07/2021 11:45

It's not a possibility, anymore than stretching his legs by hanging him upside down at night is a possibility. Why does he think it is? It is hard, as a parent, not to just give kids things they think they want, but we have the wisdom they lack to see the bigger picture. Your job is to put his size into perspective, and moving year group would do the opposite. It would reinforce the idea that being small is a bad thing (think how badly someone would have to be doing, academically, to be held back a year). It also sounds that, longer term, he will end up short in that year group - so just delaying (and reinforcing) the problem.

Practically, it might also mean that he isn't allowed in teams with his new peer group, as they would be "under 11's," "under 13s" etc. Is there an option of sports outside school? Can he gravitate towards sports where small size is not an issue, or even a benefit (scrum half in rugby, rock climbing, horse riding, skiing, gymnastics) as it sounds like he will be a fairly short adult so it is surely better to lay a path he can be happy on, instead of fudging the boundaries temporarily.

I have a DS who is very short, so I do understand, but in the absence of bullies and unpleasantness he doesn't think it is a big deal. That is the area to focus on, deal with every instance of bullying and unpleasantness and make size as important as hair colour - just a descriptive.

parietal · 28/07/2021 11:46

surely it would be very bad for him academically - he will be bored & disengaged.

the school should stop the other boys bullying him & support him in suitable sports

Notimeforaname · 28/07/2021 11:47

Wouldnt develop any further. I meant.

Polkadots2021 · 28/07/2021 11:49

@WentworthPrison

Do not pander to this. You can't possibly allow your child to be held back a year because he's short. Ffs. Should I have moved back about 3 year groups because I'm really, really short and occasionally got knocked on the netball pitch? It's ludicrous.
Tbf, being short as a female is a whole different world from being short for a male.
Polkadots2021 · 28/07/2021 11:50

This might be totally impractical based on where you live but is there any chance of getting him into coxing for a rowing team? Or jockey?

Original poster
Lima1 · 28/07/2021 11:51

Just to give you some indication of the size difference, here is a team photo. My DS is 3rd on the right with the ball at his feet.

DS (10) wants to stay back a year in school
OP posts:
Iggly · 28/07/2021 11:51

I would speak to the school about the bullies. I understand your son doesn’t want them named but it’s not his decision to make.

Notimeforaname · 28/07/2021 11:52

Tbf, being short as a female is a whole different world from being short for a male

Yes but confidence is the same for everybody.

If you're truly confident and love yourself..its not an issue how others see you.
I know plenty of short confident men.

KrisAkabusi · 28/07/2021 11:53

It won't change anything for the sports if he's playing in any of the local clubs. GAA and FAI teams are set around date of birth, not size, so staying back a year won't allow him to play in a younger team.

Sirzy · 28/07/2021 11:54

I would talk to the school about tackling the bullying.

From what you have said I don’t think staying back a year will help massively and may end up with him bored and disengaging from education

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2021 11:56

I think op it’s just prolonging it, he will face the same issue next year, as hard as it is, so it’s better to find ways to emotionally deal with his size. It’s a really hard situation though.

Ghosttile · 28/07/2021 12:03

Given his reasons would you consider looking for martial arts classes for him? Or boxing? Look out for the Olympic coverage of the men’s boxing. The lighter weights in that aren’t tall men or big men but they’re strong, capable and pack a hell of a punch.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/07/2021 12:03

I would talk to the school about the bullying my DD is very sensitive and doesn't like causing trouble I've spoken to teacher and she has defused it without causing fuss for DD.
In regards to keeping him back I would in a heart beat if they allowed him.
He'll have a more mature advantage and will probably settle better, be sure teachers are aware of getting him into a comfortable class, there is 2 small boys in DD who are protected by the bigger lads.
My DD born Feb was 4 starting
DS born March I held back for a year, he is approx 6 months older than peers however it is great for him.
Would you consider an educate together if there is one close by.
DD is going to 1st Yr only 12 very immature I'm dreading it. Hoping to get an educate together for next year of 1st doesn't work.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/07/2021 12:06

It might be worth asking for a 6th class mentor through resource too.