DS (10) wants to stay back a year in school

[Lima1]

My DS was 10 at end of March. He is going into 5th class (we are in Ireland, I think it is Year 6 in UK) in September. He is tiny for his age, only 128 cm and very slim. He is the smallest in his class and always has been. We are a family of small people and he will never be big. Both my other DS (almost 12) and DD (13) are also very small for their age.
His height has been the cause of a lot of slagging from his classmates. It ranges from meaner stuff like the bigger boys (cowards) challenging him to fights, to comments about his height. He plays sports and while he is quite good, he is finding the physicality of it more difficult. For example he says when he jostles someone, they barely mover, but when he is jostled, he is sent flying.

He is one of the youngest in the class, most have turned or are soon turning 11. He plays in a football team with his classmates but struggles because of his height. He plays in a football and hurling team with the younger class and he loves it as they are physically more suited.

He doesnt want me to mention any of the boy's names to the school for fear of backlash.
He has friends in his class (mainly the other small boys) but they are all starting to get taller and he that is bothering him. He has loads of friends in the younger class as he plays two sports with them.

I really dont know what to do. The likelihood is no matter what class he is in, he will be the smallest or one of the smallest. I am worried about comments from both classes about why he is staying back and that could be worse than what he is facing now.

I am not even sure if the school would agree to keeping him back, I am due to meet the principal tomorrow to discuss.

Has anyone experience with this?

Thanks

I wouldn't let him repeat. I think doing so is going to store up a world of trouble for later. If he's never going to be big your role is to help him learn to live with and cope with that, not to pretend it's not happening and hope that it'll blow over - it won't.

He obviously has strengths, which give you something obvious to build on, and an entire family of wee people to be a part of so that he can see how little it matters if you don't let it matter.

Seriously, let him take the hits now and learn to roll with them, they are inevitable and easier to deal with when he's with his own cohort going through puberty in that mismatched way boys do, than happening later. Be brave and say no to him - short term pain will work out better in the long run.

Thanks for all the responses. Most of what has been said is what I am thinking myself. He is always going to be small and is going to have to face issues with this height at some point but he is emotionally immature and is struggling with it at the moment.

He may be bored academically if he stays back but my DS who is the year above is very bright (working at about 3 years ahead), the school dont really support him academically so we extra work with him and I can do the same with DS10 if necessary.

A few asked about how my older DS manages with his height, he is also tiny but doesnt care. He got some hassle and was being harassed by one big lad in his class who was pushing him about. DS flipped him onto the ground and hit him back and no one has said anything to him again. He has no fear of anyone but DS10 unfortunately does not have such bravery.

DS plays U11 with his class but as he is only turned 10 he also plays U10 with the younger class. He is managing sport at that age group just fine. He also swims, does gymnastics and plays hockey. He is very fit and sporty. My dad and brother are jockeys, hence the height issues!
@EmeraldShamrock, there is an educate together in the next town but I know he would hate to move school. I hope your DD is ok in 1st year.

I am hoping the principal might have some suggestions, he is normally very good.

I don’t think being held back a year would be good for his confidence either though. He probably thinks it will because he’s a child and is fixated on the size issue, but he could just end up getting bullied for repeating a year. Obviously bullying is wrong for any reason, but we all know it happens.

I can’t imagine a school keeping a child back because they’re small if academically they’re fine and their social skills are age appropriate. Even if the current school did, would the senior school agree to keep him in the wrong year or would he then have to skip a year which would be equally disastrous.

@Ghosttile

Given his reasons would you consider looking for martial arts classes for him? Or boxing? Look out for the Olympic coverage of the men’s boxing. The lighter weights in that aren’t tall men or big men but they’re strong, capable and pack a hell of a punch.

Exactly what I was going to say. I really would get him into a sport like Karate or Tae Kwon Do, not to threaten other kids with, but to be able to hold his own if they were to come at him, and just to feel more confident if they try to physically threaten him.

I don't think holding him back a year is the answer. We can't change our height, so it's something he's going to have to come to terms with and accept. And to understand there's absolutely nothing wrong with his height, he is who he is.

@MadeOfStarStuff in Ireland they don't focus on age. You can start school at 4 and at any age up until 6. My dd start school at 4.5 and the youngest was 4.3 the oldest was 6 on the first day of the first term. So when they start secondary school they will be 12.5 and 14.

It’s trying to build body confidence and be proud of what he can do. He may always be small, but small does not equal weak or less.

Has the Irish system changed? It used to be quite normal for this to happen.
For academic reasons, not pure parental choice; but it wasn't that uncommon for kids to be out of their normal year group?

My experience in Ireland is that if they are going to be kept back it is done within the first year or two of school, I dont think the school will readily agree to keeping a child back for non-academic reasons later on.

There is a boy in his class a full year older than him and most are 8/9 months older. I could have kept him from starting for another year but didnt, I am starting to regret that decision now.

@Lima1

My DS was 10 at end of March. He is going into 5th class (we are in Ireland, I think it is Year 6 in UK) in September. He is tiny for his age, only 128 cm and very slim. He is the smallest in his class and always has been. We are a family of small people and he will never be big. Both my other DS (almost 12) and DD (13) are also very small for their age. His height has been the cause of a lot of slagging from his classmates. It ranges from meaner stuff like the bigger boys (cowards) challenging him to fights, to comments about his height. He plays sports and while he is quite good, he is finding the physicality of it more difficult. For example he says when he jostles someone, they barely mover, but when he is jostled, he is sent flying.

He is one of the youngest in the class, most have turned or are soon turning 11. He plays in a football team with his classmates but struggles because of his height. He plays in a football and hurling team with the younger class and he loves it as they are physically more suited.

He doesnt want me to mention any of the boy's names to the school for fear of backlash.
He has friends in his class (mainly the other small boys) but they are all starting to get taller and he that is bothering him. He has loads of friends in the younger class as he plays two sports with them.

I really dont know what to do. The likelihood is no matter what class he is in, he will be the smallest or one of the smallest. I am worried about comments from both classes about why he is staying back and that could be worse than what he is facing now.

I am not even sure if the school would agree to keeping him back, I am due to meet the principal tomorrow to discuss.

Has anyone experience with this?

Thanks

Op, don't do this. For all the many reasons previously mentioned. It could backfire anyway if he is kept back a year and result in the children in his new class AND his peers in the class above all laughing at him etc for being kept back a year. Op, deal with the bullying via the school but the way to deal with it is not to keep your bright ds back a year.

@Lima1 I see two issues here. The first are the bullies. I would speak to the school and fill them in so that they are aware of the situation because it can’t go on like this. The 2nd is your DS confidence, my friends son has always been small, he isn’t bothered by it and his friends back him up if anything is said. Your DS sounds like he needs some confidence and partly some of this is owing to the bullies themselves. You need a conversation with the school. It’s no good taking the ‘easier’ option because the issue still remains.

My experience in Ireland is that if they are going to be kept back it is done within the first year or two of school, I dont think the school will readily
Not necessarily after 4th class the class are split going into 5th. 2 students from DD's class stayed back.
They may do it given his young age, there is no harm in asking, there is no shame in staying back either.

I'd ask the school to really work with him this year, give him a job to be proud of.
Some of the boys are insensitive shits usually based on their own insecurities.
Thankfully school isn't forever.

Asking for him to be held back is a child’s simplistic solution to a problem. Leaving aside the fact that it’s extremely unlikely the school will agree, it’s not actually the answer is it?

You need to push the school to address the bullying. Yes, of course ds doesn’t want you to but dc very often fear that if they “tell” it will get worse. You’re an adult so you know better than to go along with this. Tell the principal what’s been going on and let the school address the problem properly.

It's definitely the bullying that needs to be addressed. If he gets held back a year because he's short, they'll have got away with it, and I see the same sort of things happening in another class in the same school tbh. Don't let them win. Your son is better than them.

It’s no good taking the ‘easier’ option because the issue still remains

This, it’s just a sticking plaster, it will work for a few months, sure, but no more. Then you’ve the same issue but worse, because it’s kids younger than him who are then bigger, and the bullying could be all the worse for it. Because not only is he still the smallest, he’s also the oldest. Which is going to make his self esteem so much worse

Plus the kids he is with now, they aren’t going anywhere, they will still be there, they will still see him in school, but now it’s not just his height they can pick on, it’s the fact he’s also been held back a year.

Ultimately it could be very damaging for him. I understand why he wishes to do it, because he’s too young snd immature to foresee the bigger picture, and the ramifications, he’s just looking for a quick fix.

However that quick fix is very likely to cause even bigger issues in a few months time.

I really sympathise op, my son is short as well, and it’s causes problems. Lots of people will telly up it doesn’t matter, and it’s personality that counts. But then you only have to read the threads on here about small men and how much they get the mickey take out of them, and it feels quite sad.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say it is worth finding out if it is possible and then looking at pros and cons and deciding. He is young enough for 5th class, I'm sure there are kids in 4th class not that much younger than him. I'm assuming he started school when he was 4 and there will be plenty who started when they are 5.
It sounds like the reason are related to having friends in 4th class as well as the bullying. He looks so little in that picture that my heart really goes out to him. Yes he will likely have the same issues in terms of kids making comments etc in the future but maybe if he has a good set of friends that will help.
It is a risk if you do nothing too that he gets more and more miserable and bullied so I don't think it's a question of only regretting keeping him back, you might also regret not doing it.
I just wonder how he is academically, will he be bored repeating 4th class?

OP I can relate to having a young, small, sporty DS. Mine is going into Y8 in the UK, he is August 26th born so youngest in his year, he is also very sporty, he runs, swims and plays rugby at county level. We've noticed it particularly in athletics, where he attends meets all round the south of England. It's very noticeable on the start lines that DS is the smallest by far - he ran a couple of weeks ago against a boy who had an actual moustache! He is holding his own at the moment against boys who have hit puberty much earlier than him and the performance advantage is obvious, but we and his coaches, explain that if he is coming 2nd/3rd/4th against boys with a hormone advantage at the moment, once they all come out the other side of it (U17 age group), he'll be absolutely flying.

In rugby, his size makes him fast and nimble and he's a huge asset to the team on the wing. He obviously goes flying when he does get tackled as he's so light, but it's just encouraged him to run even faster so he doesn't get caught!

Your DS sounds like a brilliant sportsman, he just needs the confidence and encouragement to use his size to his advantage.

You're simply delaying the problem if you do this. If you wanted to guarantee him to be average then he'd never complete his education as the other boys are just going to get taller and heavier.

Talk to him about successful sports men who are small and very valuable to their team mates.

Poor kid. I think I'm echoing a lot of other posters when I say that holding him back a year is only delaying dealing with the problem. He is being bullied and that is what needs to be dealt with.

My son has a medical condition which means he is tiny in comparison to others in his class, so I do have some experience of this. As he's got older, the gap has closed a little bit, but he still looks younger than he is. When he first started some of the children thought he was a baby so they wouldn't play with him. They realised that he was just a smaller child quite quickly and seemed to accept him. I was very alert for any hint of bullying over his size, but luckily, it didn't really happen. He has had the odd comment but usually batted it back, or his friends have stood up for him, and it hasn't happened again. So it is definitely not a given that a shorter child will be bullied and this needs to be stopped.

Can you approach the school about this and also ask about increasing confidence/raising a child's self esteem? I think my son has been less of a target because he's pretty confident and popular. I was bullied far more than him as a child even though I had no obvious physical difference in the way that he does, but I was a bit meek and an easy target. I know it seems a bit woolly but I have done similar with my son and been pleasantly surprised by the actions of the school. He's currently quite anxious about things and has been placed into an all boys support group who get together every week and have a guided discussion/play board games so it's less nerve wracking. I think the idea is that they realise they're not the only ones feeling like this, and that it is ok for boys to talk to to other boys about things they're struggling with and ask for help or support.

Mine is a teenager now but hasn't gone through puberty yet and is still smaller than the rest. He's also naturally fit and sporty like yours, and he still outperform the majority of his classmates. He's performing very well in P.E. I think this is an added confidence boost because he knows that he is physically far more capable even though he's smaller.

What do his friends do and say when anybody bullies him? I know it's not their job to sort it, but my son has had some much bigger friends who have stood up for him and made it clear that they won't just allow him to be picked on. I think my son sometimes finds it slightly embarrassing that his mates 'look out' for him, because he just wants to be the same as everybody else, but I know it makes him feel more confident and supported.

I think pps are seeing his age as normal going into 5th class technically it is but just about.
DC that start later do better in many cases.
The age gap starting anytime from 4 to 6 is a big obstacle within the Irish education system for the earlier starters.

He is quite young compared to his classmates.
I definitely would consider it.
Further maturity would help him cope better with many issues.

I would definitely speak to the Principal.

Children being happy in school is a huge family issue.

Over the years I have had friends have drama in school for various reasons, friends, teacher, bullying etc.
They have all said, without exception, it was stressful for the whole family.

If he really wants this and will be happier, I would definitely explore it.

He will definitely enter secondary more mature, which is never a bad thing.

Not every child is the same.

Your older son coping well with being small has absolutely no bearing on this issue.

They are different children.

That’s the thing, all the kids will know he’s repeating a year. Both his current year kids and the younger kids. He’s going to habe to lie as to why, becayse clearly he can’t tell the truth, it will make things worse. So what’s he going to tell them, he’s not smart enough to go onto to the next year?

If he was moving to a new school it would be easier, but that’s not the plan, he’s still with the same kids, day in and out, inc the ones he’s currently with. He will see them all round school, so not only will he be the small kid, he will also be the kid who had to repeat a year and wasn’t smart enough to go onto thr next one, that’s what they will think. It’s just going to make it so much harder for him.

That’s the thing, all the kids will know he’s repeating a year
As pp have said, it really isn't outside the norm in Ireland.