Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (10) wants to stay back a year in school

123 replies

Lima1 · 28/07/2021 11:19

My DS was 10 at end of March. He is going into 5th class (we are in Ireland, I think it is Year 6 in UK) in September. He is tiny for his age, only 128 cm and very slim. He is the smallest in his class and always has been. We are a family of small people and he will never be big. Both my other DS (almost 12) and DD (13) are also very small for their age.
His height has been the cause of a lot of slagging from his classmates. It ranges from meaner stuff like the bigger boys (cowards) challenging him to fights, to comments about his height. He plays sports and while he is quite good, he is finding the physicality of it more difficult. For example he says when he jostles someone, they barely mover, but when he is jostled, he is sent flying.

He is one of the youngest in the class, most have turned or are soon turning 11. He plays in a football team with his classmates but struggles because of his height. He plays in a football and hurling team with the younger class and he loves it as they are physically more suited.

He doesnt want me to mention any of the boy's names to the school for fear of backlash.
He has friends in his class (mainly the other small boys) but they are all starting to get taller and he that is bothering him. He has loads of friends in the younger class as he plays two sports with them.

I really dont know what to do. The likelihood is no matter what class he is in, he will be the smallest or one of the smallest. I am worried about comments from both classes about why he is staying back and that could be worse than what he is facing now.

I am not even sure if the school would agree to keeping him back, I am due to meet the principal tomorrow to discuss.

Has anyone experience with this?

Thanks

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 28/07/2021 15:29

Op,

I'm in Ireland too and think its worth asking, With a March birthday he was always going to be on the young side. In my experience it tends to require a significant academic reason but the principal might be sympathetic ( she doesn't get to make the call) but she could recommend it to the department.
To help your chances i wouldn't mention the height thing ( that will be a definite no) but instead would focus on the emotional immaturity, and being too immature for secondary in a few years. She can only say no.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 28/07/2021 15:31

My ds repeated 5th class. Best thing he ever did. He was one of the top students academically but he was young (he's february) and there was a lot of bullying in the class. His class was split in 5th and he, and about 8/9 others, were in with 4th class. He was still getting bullied in the yard by the kids who were in with 6th class but he had made friends with some of the kids in 4th.

I spoke to the class teacher for 5th/6th (she knew him well as small school and she had taught him twice previously). Her initial reaction was that he would be bored but she listened to me and agreed it might be the best thing for him. She spoke to the principal who agreed too.

Next issue was convincing ds. I suggested it to him and his initial reaction was "No, I'm not staying back". I suggested he make a list of the pros and cons and we would discuss it. He woke up the next morning and informed me he wanted to stay back. He never made that list...

It was far and away the best thing for him. He got on very well with the new class and made some lovely friends. His confidence really grew too.

I know people are saying it's not the way to deal with bullying but sometimes a class is just toxic. The boys in his original class consisted of a few quiet kids who kept to themselves and a few little brats who rotated who they were bullying. The school did deal with each incident and I know one of the teachers had the bullies in tears a couple of times but unfortunately the parents didn't care and their little darlings could do no wrong.

Anyway, long story. I would recommend it. A small school is more likely to support it. However, it's obviously not going to help with his height so you will need to work on that one, as I'm sure you already are.

Apples25 · 28/07/2021 15:32

I really feel for him OP - that must be so difficult. It's really unlikely that the school will allow it. As a pp said, it used to be common but not any more. Any school allowing it has to have so much paperwork to show that the child isn't just experiencing the same curriculum twice - and rightly so. Since the newer guidelines, we've only granted/suggested it twice and that was in a much younger class and for clear academic reasons.

Another aspect to consider is that more children than ever this year expressed some sort of desire to stay back. The school closures have definitely affected confidence and the feeling of readiness that they'd usually have at this stage.

That said, your son is clearly unhappy and the bullying is the thing that needs to be addressed. If the school won't consider keeping him back, I hope they really support and suggest ways to develop his confidence and resilience.

WaitinOnASonnyDay · 28/07/2021 15:33

@Lima1
as someone else has said I think you should take the photo down or ask for it to be removed as it's easy to work out the team.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/07/2021 15:34

Jockeys are hard as nails. My grandfather and an uncle both jumped sticks for a living. A flyweight boxer is still a boxer and stronger/fitter/harder than 99% of the population.

DP was the top goalscorer for 57 years at his football team. He was small, but he was fast. His father played Rugby for similar reasons.

At the moment, when puberty is starting for some kids but not for all, the difference is obvious, as it is in the UK at 11 when you get some needing to shave and some that look like they could possibly be young enough to still believe in Father Christmas - but when he gets to 15/16/17/18, whilst he may not be the tallest, the difference is less marked physically. Especially if he continues to do regular sport.

And all kids look bigger when they're sat on top of half a ton of horse.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 28/07/2021 15:38

@Lima1

My experience in Ireland is that if they are going to be kept back it is done within the first year or two of school, I dont think the school will readily agree to keeping a child back for non-academic reasons later on.

There is a boy in his class a full year older than him and most are 8/9 months older. I could have kept him from starting for another year but didnt, I am starting to regret that decision now.

In the school my kids went to, there were repeats in the first year, 3rd class and 5th class.
OchonAgusOchonOh · 28/07/2021 15:42

@Bluntness100

That’s the thing, all the kids will know he’s repeating a year. Both his current year kids and the younger kids. He’s going to habe to lie as to why, becayse clearly he can’t tell the truth, it will make things worse. So what’s he going to tell them, he’s not smart enough to go onto to the next year?

If he was moving to a new school it would be easier, but that’s not the plan, he’s still with the same kids, day in and out, inc the ones he’s currently with. He will see them all round school, so not only will he be the small kid, he will also be the kid who had to repeat a year and wasn’t smart enough to go onto thr next one, that’s what they will think. It’s just going to make it so much harder for him.

That was really not my experience. My ds and another boy in his class both repeated 5th class. Both were at the top of their original class academically. One or two kids in the new class did express a little surprise that they repeated as "they are so clever" but the boys just said it was because they were too young and that was accepted with no issue.
saoirse31 · 28/07/2021 15:50

I'd talk to the school about stopping the bullying rather than keeping him back. If he goes back he'll still be dealing with current classmates in yard, on way to school and gaa etc for the next two years and they'll probably be mocking him for having stayed back. Also I think I'd wonder was there more to the bullying than you know, as he seems to be really dreading return to school.

Longer term I think and I don't really know how but you need advice for him on building resilience and self esteem especially given that you can't change your height. However there's nothing to stop him building strength in age appropriate over the next few years if he wants to.

I really hope you can find some ways of the.proving his mood and that school step up to address bullying.

a8mint · 28/07/2021 16:22

What!!!? This has to be right up there with one of the most dimwitted suggestions on MN ever!
You want to hold back your son academically for a year because he is short!!!
You want the taxpayer to fund an extra year of education for himm because he is short!
Please never mention this harebrained notion to anyone else

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/07/2021 16:23

@a8mint

What!!!? This has to be right up there with one of the most dimwitted suggestions on MN ever! You want to hold back your son academically for a year because he is short!!! You want the taxpayer to fund an extra year of education for himm because he is short! Please never mention this harebrained notion to anyone else
Have you bothered to rtft, at all?
a8mint · 28/07/2021 16:26

I have rtft and i still cant see any redeeming points

OchonAgusOchonOh · 28/07/2021 16:29

@a8mint

I have rtft and i still cant see any redeeming points
Well, repeating 5th class was really beneficial for my ds and his classmate who did the same. It certainly didn't hold either of the back academically. Both achieved excellent leaving certs and did very high points courses at uni.
2bazookas · 28/07/2021 16:29

Talk to the school; and in particular emphasise his fear of backlash. They'll deal with it.

Keeping him back a year won't help; those boys will still be in the same playground. with him, and probably the same secondary school.

His small stature is something he's going to carry with him through secondary school so you have to help him find a way to feel more confident. You could start on google together, compiling a list of very small people who are admired, talented and successful in many fields (sportsmen, actors, politicians. TV presenters, science, comedians, ).

Arm him with some witty come-backs and jokes and some perishing put-downs.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/07/2021 16:34

the school my kids went to, there were repeats in the first year, 3rd class and 5th class.
Same as ours the classes are broken up every 2 years and re-mixed.
Many of the younger DC stay back.
I understand pps saying he'll have the same issue next year staying back, maybe however going to secondary being so young the extra year would really benefit him.
Secondary is another world.
It's kinder to repeat 5th over 3rd year.

Pythonesque · 28/07/2021 16:35

I was schooled in a different country that sounds similar with regards to the age ranges and at least some flexibility to repeat years. Later repeats that I can recall almost all involved a change of school - one friend who missed more school than average for medical problems repeated at about your son's age, moving to another school for yr 5 and 6 and then by chance going to the same school as me for secondary. Another friend dropped down a year at her secondary school, but that was after a year abroad in a couple of other countries (and at a private school that were known to be pushy on not accepting the younger end of the yeargroup).

I'd pause on the idea that repeating will be the right solution for your son - but I'd definitely use it as the starting point for your discussion with his school. If he's doing well academically yet everything else is so awful that he'd rather repeat a year - ask the school what they propose to do about it? I would also seriously look at other schools that would be plausible though.

Very much longer ago, my mother experienced going down a class when her small school closed and they were transferred to one in the next town. She couldn't work out why she was in the lower class when all her friends were in a higher one, and the work she was given to do was stuff she already knew. Turned out she was actually still young in that year group, but had been working to the top of primary already. She had to wait another two years to sit the 11 plus, and learned to mess around in that time.

If repeating turns out to be the right decision, whether at the same school or a different one, do make sure there is a very good plan for keeping your son engaged with schoolwork. Good luck finding the right path forward!

Blossomtoes · 28/07/2021 16:49

@a8mint

What!!!? This has to be right up there with one of the most dimwitted suggestions on MN ever! You want to hold back your son academically for a year because he is short!!! You want the taxpayer to fund an extra year of education for himm because he is short! Please never mention this harebrained notion to anyone else
Oh dear.
qualitygirl · 28/07/2021 17:12

@a8mint it will cost the OP to hold him back, here in Ireland "free" encompasses the teachers and the building. The OP will have to buy all of the books and stationery again

WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow · 28/07/2021 17:20

@a8mint

What!!!? This has to be right up there with one of the most dimwitted suggestions on MN ever! You want to hold back your son academically for a year because he is short!!! You want the taxpayer to fund an extra year of education for himm because he is short! Please never mention this harebrained notion to anyone else
Jesus, of all the things us Irish taxpayers could froth about I don’t think a kid repeating a year in primary school is going to make anyone’s list Hmm.
EmeraldShamrock · 28/07/2021 19:07

Jesus, of all the things us Irish taxpayers could froth about I don’t think a kid repeating a year in primary school is going to make anyone’s list.
Exactly. 🤣

junebirthdaygirl · 28/07/2021 20:46

Teacher here in lreland. Any time someone repeats a year with us and it is very seldom it is to do with immaturity never academic ability or attainment. Sounds like your guy is battling on two fronts: size and immaturity. If one was supported..the immaturity..then he would be better able to cope with the second..height. It appears he feels more at home with the younger children so if he is happy himself ll would go for it. But with him and also with the principal l would focus on his immaturity. Schools have to show how they are going to support him next year to make it a worthwhile year for him. They cannot change his height so they will need to support him in areas around confidence and self esteem so he can go forward secure in who he is. Usually the biggest deterrent to a child repeating when it would be helpful is the blow to their self esteem but since your guy is happy to do it that shouldn't be an issue. He will need the language to explain so definitely focus on..l was too young and l want to be older going to Secondary. Keep well away from the height issue.

Ninkanink · 29/07/2021 11:23

@junebirthdaygirl

Teacher here in lreland. Any time someone repeats a year with us and it is very seldom it is to do with immaturity never academic ability or attainment. Sounds like your guy is battling on two fronts: size and immaturity. If one was supported..the immaturity..then he would be better able to cope with the second..height. It appears he feels more at home with the younger children so if he is happy himself ll would go for it. But with him and also with the principal l would focus on his immaturity. Schools have to show how they are going to support him next year to make it a worthwhile year for him. They cannot change his height so they will need to support him in areas around confidence and self esteem so he can go forward secure in who he is. Usually the biggest deterrent to a child repeating when it would be helpful is the blow to their self esteem but since your guy is happy to do it that shouldn't be an issue. He will need the language to explain so definitely focus on..l was too young and l want to be older going to Secondary. Keep well away from the height issue.
This is brilliant advice!
a8mint · 01/08/2021 07:44

Why is he so immature?

Binnaggy · 01/08/2021 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

a8mint · 01/08/2021 08:18

Yeah surely putting him with a younger cohort is not going to help his immaturity one bit!

BlueorOlive · 01/08/2021 08:51

I'd rather change school than hold him back a year. He needs support to learn to be confident about his abilities and not mind his height so much. What if he ends up the shortest when he's the oldest in the year, that's much more difficult.

Support his academic interest and maybe get him into sports where his size is an advantage? Or scouts, music other extra curriculas?

Swipe left for the next trending thread