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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS (10) wants to stay back a year in school

123 replies

Lima1 · 28/07/2021 11:19

My DS was 10 at end of March. He is going into 5th class (we are in Ireland, I think it is Year 6 in UK) in September. He is tiny for his age, only 128 cm and very slim. He is the smallest in his class and always has been. We are a family of small people and he will never be big. Both my other DS (almost 12) and DD (13) are also very small for their age.
His height has been the cause of a lot of slagging from his classmates. It ranges from meaner stuff like the bigger boys (cowards) challenging him to fights, to comments about his height. He plays sports and while he is quite good, he is finding the physicality of it more difficult. For example he says when he jostles someone, they barely mover, but when he is jostled, he is sent flying.

He is one of the youngest in the class, most have turned or are soon turning 11. He plays in a football team with his classmates but struggles because of his height. He plays in a football and hurling team with the younger class and he loves it as they are physically more suited.

He doesnt want me to mention any of the boy's names to the school for fear of backlash.
He has friends in his class (mainly the other small boys) but they are all starting to get taller and he that is bothering him. He has loads of friends in the younger class as he plays two sports with them.

I really dont know what to do. The likelihood is no matter what class he is in, he will be the smallest or one of the smallest. I am worried about comments from both classes about why he is staying back and that could be worse than what he is facing now.

I am not even sure if the school would agree to keeping him back, I am due to meet the principal tomorrow to discuss.

Has anyone experience with this?

Thanks

OP posts:
HunkyPunk · 28/07/2021 14:11

If there's potentially a 2 year gap between starters, op, could it be that there are children older than him even if he is kept back a year? The Irish system sounds much less rigid than the UK, in terms of age and year group.

TooOldandTired · 28/07/2021 14:13

@GreyhoundG1rl

That’s the thing, all the kids will know he’s repeating a year As pp have said, it really isn't outside the norm in Ireland.
I think that is the problem with a lot of the comments on here, that they don't understand that and also he is young for his year and there will be plenty of kids who are the same age as this boy in 4th year.

Also, in my experience there isn't a great deal of mixing between years in primary or in 1st to 3rd year in secondary where people largely hang out with people from their own year. So he will mostly be away from the kids that are currently in his class.

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2021 14:15

@GreyhoundG1rl

That’s the thing, all the kids will know he’s repeating a year As pp have said, it really isn't outside the norm in Ireland.
At that age?
sailmeaway · 28/07/2021 14:15

Putting him back will hurt him academically if he's bright. He'll be bored to tears! From a tiny family myself and we re tough as anything, and resilient. It doesn't take long for the comments to just run off like water and to learn to avoid the kind of dicks who always go on about it and to surround yourself with good people!
We're all v sporty too... we're strivers in sport because we had to be.

SoupDragon · 28/07/2021 14:15

I think you should get that photo taken down. Even with the scribbling, it's really not on to put photos of other people's children up

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/07/2021 14:17

At that age?
Yes, including secondary age.

SoupDragon · 28/07/2021 14:18

I think it's the bullying that needs to be tackled rather than keeping him back a year. I'm not sure that will help in the long run really.

I hope the principal has some good ideas when you speak to them.

TooOldandTired · 28/07/2021 14:19

@HunkyPunk

If there's potentially a 2 year gap between starters, op, could it be that there are children older than him even if he is kept back a year? The Irish system sounds much less rigid than the UK, in terms of age and year group.
It's unlikely there will be children that much older than him in 4th year. From the Op her DS was 4 and a half when he started (march born), if he started a year later he would have been 5 and a half, most people would not start kids much older than this. Potentially there could be kids a couple of months older but not a full year like there could be now in 5th class. In Ireland your child can start school from 4 but is not required to start until they are 5 (september after if that makes sense).
TooOldandTired · 28/07/2021 14:20

Should say 4th class not 4th year!

ChateauMargaux · 28/07/2021 14:26

I have a small, quiet, academic, sporty, summer born child and I partially regret not keeping him in primary a year longer but he didn't want to.

The first two years of secondary were tough. He struggled to be on the same level, socially, as the others in his year group. He does now have a wondeful group of friends, but at age 10, he had more in common and gravitated towards the kids in the lower year while looking around slightly bewildered at the other boys in his own class.

I think academically it could go either way.. I 'stayed back' when I was 14/15 (moved from Kildare where there was a 5 year secondary school cycle to Limerick who had a 6 year secondary cycle and was 'forced' to do transition year whereas I would have gone into 5th year if I had stayed in my old school. I feel like I lost a bit of my drive during that year but still did very well at school. There was more to it as I moved at a difficult age and didn't make friends.

Your son's case is different... he wants this, and based on the link posted up thread, you could argue a strong case for the change.

Life is not all about academics, for one year, he has to repeat work but you can keep him intellectually stimulated. School is not forever but we do build a sense of self during that time and it sounds like he has friends in the other class.

Decision to be based on the developmental/learningneeds of the child only– not the school; the parents; enrolment; their age (“s/he’s very young”) etcConsider the impact of the decision to repeat on the Self-esteem of the child – friendships etc. Children frequently see “repeating” as punishment for “not doing well”, even when they themselves feel they’ve done their bestChildren with an assessed learning need (SEN), may be best supported by “moving on” with appropriate supports in placeAre both parents (where applicable) in agreement about the issue?Children have a right (as far as possible) to be placed in class groupings with peers of a similar age and stage of development

I have seen schools be really difficult about things that they do not suggest, so you might have to put your case strongly and resist the push back that they will fix things regarding the bullying. Yes they should, but they should have done that already and have clearly failed to spot the impact it is having on your son so have already failed him in that regard.

Good luck making your decision. Your son has told you what he wants... it would be good for his self esteem if you at least seriously consider it, which you are doing by going to the school to talk to them about it.

BTW.. hockey is a great sport for smaller boys. It is much more about skill and intellect than brawn.

FinallyHere · 28/07/2021 14:33

Do not pander to this

Wow. Just wow.

How about raising it with the school and asking their opinion.

I never had any trouble academically at school but in the early adolescent years was often ridiculed fir being 'immature'. My close friends tended to be from the younger class, just like your son.

It was honestly only at our fortieth reunion that I spotted that my own class mates were mostly two years older than me, a few only one year younger than me.

Dropping a class, I would have fitted in so much better.

Please don't dismiss this request out of hand. Please at least consider it with the school. If they decide against, then at least you will know why

user16395699 · 28/07/2021 14:42

It was mature and courageous of him to consider possible solutions to a significant problem in his life and then make this request. I don't really think it's fair to call him immature for being deeply affected by prolonged bullying and exclusion. Nor is it fair to say he's not brave because he is nor prepared to assault someone.

Resilience comes from having a secure foundation of feeling safe, loved, acceptable and included, as well as being supported to face and overcome reasonable challenges so that you learn the skills to do so and also the knowledge that you are capable.

It does not mean being left to try and 'tough out' unacceptable situations that should not be occurring. To call that 'resilience' is an abuse of the word.

The school must address the bullying as an urgent priority.

Separately, in your role as parent, it sounds like he would benefit from activities where he doesn't feel held back by his size and can experience feeling good about himself and successful for the person he is. Rather than always feeling inferior and on the outside. Never quite good enough.

Essentially, the opportunity to feel acceptable just the way he is, rather than the mindset of having to tolerate being inferior which is what you're describing.

Comparing him to siblings who you feel have coped better is actually exacerbating that - he is a different person, he is having different experiences, and therefore different struggles That doesn't make him a failure or weaker, just a different child with different needs to be able to cope and thrive. I am sure you don't make the comparisons to hurt or diminish him, but because you want him to be able to cope as well as them, however it does seem to be creating a sense of judgement that he will undoubtedly pick up on and fuel his negative self-esteem.

You mention relatives who are jockeys. That clearly plays to their strengths and I can imagine it brought a sense of satisfaction and acceptableness. They were able to achieve and succeed because of their size rather than despite their size or having to compensate for it.

Whilst becoming a jockey isn't really the right answer for a ten year old(!), I really do think that if you could put some serious consideration into finding and creating opportunities for him to have something where his size is perfectly fine it would really improve life for him in the long term (so he can experience a straight "you're good at this" , as opposed to the constant "you're good at this for a small person or "you can't do this because you're so small" ).

If you could implement both strands - school eliminating the bullying and othering, and you finding the right activities to build him up and let him see that his size is one quality among many that he has not a fault or a flaw - it could transform how he feels and his ability to feel good about himself.

Once he feels that he is acceptable just the way he is and has positive self-esteem, that in turn will boost his ability to cope with the odd comment or disappointing moment of not being able to do something because of his height. Effectively, it will create the resilience you of course wish him to have.

I would be very concerned that keeping him back a year instead of addressing any of those serious underlying problems would just reinforce his negative self-esteem and make the problem worse in the long run. It is a difficult situation I can see that you only want the best for him.

topwings · 28/07/2021 14:45

He can afford to stay back on age grounds so I don't think it would stir up too much talk among his classmates.

I would talk to the principal; I know of several instances of staying back in 5th/6th class because the child was young.

Lockdownbear · 28/07/2021 14:51

Op I would speak with the school mainly about the bullying but I don't think going back a year is the answer. I think it will attract the stigma of not being bright enough to go forward. And getting teased from both peer groups. Not to mention being bored over what he is learning. Repeating the same stuff.

You never know what could happen, illness or something that being able to slip back a year you be a blessing at that point.

Ninkanink · 28/07/2021 14:55

It honestly won’t do him any favours to even entertain this as an option.

I do understand that of course you want to help him, to make him feel better. But holding him back would be teaching him that he is right to be fearful. It’s also teaching him to avoid things that make him fearful. If he is a sensitive, anxious child then this can really mess him up. Facing one’s fears takes courage but it’s always the more healthy option because otherwise your fears grow as your mind becomes more anxious. It’s a vicious and self-perpetuating cycle.

Building resilience is always the best option, and it’s your job as a parent to guide him to feeling more confident, not to effectively tell him that the monsters are going to get him.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/07/2021 14:56

@Ninkanink

It honestly won’t do him any favours to even entertain this as an option.

I do understand that of course you want to help him, to make him feel better. But holding him back would be teaching him that he is right to be fearful. It’s also teaching him to avoid things that make him fearful. If he is a sensitive, anxious child then this can really mess him up. Facing one’s fears takes courage but it’s always the more healthy option because otherwise your fears grow as your mind becomes more anxious. It’s a vicious and self-perpetuating cycle.

Building resilience is always the best option, and it’s your job as a parent to guide him to feeling more confident, not to effectively tell him that the monsters are going to get him.

Maybe, but don't forget in Ireland it absolutely is a valid option.
SaltySheepdog · 28/07/2021 14:58

The school needs to deal effectively with the bullying.

Ninkanink · 28/07/2021 15:00

On the bullying, that’s for the school to sort and you should definitely get on their case.

Flowers I know this is so difficult. As a parents it’s so awful to know that your child is being teased/bullied, and feel unable to properly protect them. My daughter had a hard time and it was hell to see her feeling like that.

I’m sorry I’m not aware of how schools work there but is he moving up to secondary school? Is there an option for him to move schools instead? Sometimes that’s enough to break the dynamic.

RaisinforBeing · 28/07/2021 15:01

One of my children was particularly short (even although both parents are). I took her to the Dr due to poor appetite, no hair growth and slow overall growth. After various blood tests they found the cause of poor growth (a genetic issue) and they have been treated with the right medication ever since and are now 25 percentile not 2nd. Please if your child is not growing well speak to a Dr first and foremost.

Ninkanink · 28/07/2021 15:03

@GreyhoundG1rl if it’s a valid option within the school system then fair enough, in that case i suppose it’s worth at least considering it.

IncludeWomenInThePrequel · 28/07/2021 15:05

I sympathis, I really do.

It's hard to send your child out into the world when you know they're not happy. But ultimately I think it's the parents' job to show them how to be in the world, while dealing with whatever their specific issue - because absolutely everyone is dealing with something. I think that's key for them to understand.

My son is a similar age to yours and has Tourette's Syndrome, with quite dramatic coprolalia (swearing). There have been times where he's wanted to avoid school, and I understand why, but what would be the benefit to him of not learning and being with his peers and friends?

2000lightyearsaway123 · 28/07/2021 15:13

I'm not into sports but could you maybe find some examples of successful sports men who are on the smaller side? Maybe talk about some of the benefits e.g. He might never be the best tackle but his size allows him to be fast? How uncle and grandads height helped them to be good jockeys?

It's hard OP but I don't think holding him back is the answer and would just kick the can up the road. I would work on building him up and pointing out all the great things about being smaller as a sportsman.

TooOldandTired · 28/07/2021 15:15

I don't really understand the build resilience and sort out the bullying comments and people saying this is a simplistic childs solution. Of course the school should deal with the bullying but the solution your DS has proposed is a perfectly logical one. He will likely be smaller than most kids even if he stays back but he will definitely be smaller when the kids are up to a year older. Also he has friends he gets on with in the year below. You don't build resilience in 10 year olds by leaving them in a situation where their confidence is being chipped away with every day when there is another option that might help. Rather than building resilience you could easily shatter his confidence for years to come.

Member984815 · 28/07/2021 15:19

My daughter is going into fifth class too and is also one of the youngest and smallest , I don't think it's a good enough reason to stay back , I understand why it bothers him being short myself but it won't change anything for him .

trailrunner · 28/07/2021 15:25

Kudos to your family who are jockeys! It sounds like your DS is very athletic, too. I don't think just his confidence is the issue, but that he has the misfortune of having some nasty bullies in his class. I think it would be better to speak up and get support than suffer in silence.

I think if he is kept back a year then eventually those children will also grow taller and he will have the same problem again. Could the school keep an eye on the bullies, and change the timetable so your DS can do PE with the younger children, but do the academic classes in his current year?

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