Parents want to give me a 'makeover'

[UndertheCedartree]

So the backstory is my parents have always been focused on appearance. I was always expected to look smart as a child and encouraged to wear shoes with little heels and makeup from quite young. As part of this they focus on weight a lot. When I was very unwell a few years ago I lost a lot of weight and was underweight. They appeared delighted and said how great I looked!

Anyway, I've not seen them for a long time due to Covid as they live in a different country to me. But they have now come over to visit. I'm sure I look quite different to last time they saw me as due to a low thyroid and medication I have gained weight and obviously I probably look a little older. I've had Long Covid and just starting to get over it which hasn't helped. But it is what is it.

My DM said today they would like to give me a 'makeover'. They want to pay for me to have my hair done, a facial and to take me shopping for clothes in particular 'a nice dress'. My initial reaction was to feel pleased and thank them for it. But they've gone now and I notice I feel a bit rubbish like my appearance is being judged again. I realise that in the time I've not seen them my confidence in my appearance has improved massively despite objectively looking worse!

By the way I know they have done this to be nice and it is very generous of them. And it is up to me to deal with my reaction to it.

So AIBU to feel bad about being told I need a makeover?
YANBU - it makes sense you feel like that and doesn't make you ungrateful
YABU - you are being very ungrateful and reading too much into it

I've never met your DPs but from your posts I can picture them vividly. I have a friend who is deeply messed up about food as her DF made her and her Dsiss be weighed weekly.

I like the idea of a spa day with your DM, maybe a haircut at a push but definitely not the clothes. Thinking about it the haircut may also be a form of control, so when you see them in future and hair isn't as they like it they will reference the hairstyle and book you in again.

You sound like you have your head screwed on OP about what matters despite your upbringing, i'd be reluctant to do anything that jeopardises that.

@MMMarmite

The more you post the worse they sound. I don't think you sound ungrateful at all, you sound like someone trying to manage a controlling relationship where you are not supported, and any "kind" action may have subtle strings attached.

Yes, trying not to rock the boat but keep boundaries in place-it's a tricky one!

I think if you get on well with your mum then doing something with her that you would enjoy sounds a nice idea.

@MMMarmite - yes, that describes it exactly. I am at least starting to be aware of it. When I was younger I particularly remember times where I thought my DF was being so generous but he hadn't mentioned the strings attached that became apparent later. I never felt I could say anything or even discuss it with anyone as I'd look so spoilt and selfish. It's like there's always something going on in the background!

@rookiemere and @diddl - thank you. Yes, doing something with my DM like a Mani and pedi - that I would enjoy! Even a facial I think I might enjoy if I was able to relax into it and not having someone make small talk all the way through.

You’re their daughter, you’ve been ill and they wanted to do something nice for you. I know a hairdo and a facial would make me feel better and I haven’t been ill. Maybe you’re having these feelings because you’re not a hundred percent better yet - I hope you’re back to full strength soon 💐

@chocolatemademefat - thank you for your kind message