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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want to give me a 'makeover'

132 replies

UndertheCedartree · 27/07/2021 15:30

So the backstory is my parents have always been focused on appearance. I was always expected to look smart as a child and encouraged to wear shoes with little heels and makeup from quite young. As part of this they focus on weight a lot. When I was very unwell a few years ago I lost a lot of weight and was underweight. They appeared delighted and said how great I looked!

Anyway, I've not seen them for a long time due to Covid as they live in a different country to me. But they have now come over to visit. I'm sure I look quite different to last time they saw me as due to a low thyroid and medication I have gained weight and obviously I probably look a little older. I've had Long Covid and just starting to get over it which hasn't helped. But it is what is it.

My DM said today they would like to give me a 'makeover'. They want to pay for me to have my hair done, a facial and to take me shopping for clothes in particular 'a nice dress'. My initial reaction was to feel pleased and thank them for it. But they've gone now and I notice I feel a bit rubbish like my appearance is being judged again. I realise that in the time I've not seen them my confidence in my appearance has improved massively despite objectively looking worse!

By the way I know they have done this to be nice and it is very generous of them. And it is up to me to deal with my reaction to it.

So AIBU to feel bad about being told I need a makeover?
YANBU - it makes sense you feel like that and doesn't make you ungrateful
YABU - you are being very ungrateful and reading too much into it

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 28/07/2021 12:03

A facial isn’t about appearance for me, it’s a lovely relaxing thing to do. If you don’t like then, could you get your parents to give you a voucher for a nice spa with a pool/steam rooms etc, and then just get a mani/pedi (or whatever it is you enjoy) and use the facilities?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 12:04

@Bluntness100 - I definitely think this is part of it. I think they did genuinely want to treat me.

OP posts:
GothamGirl1970 · 28/07/2021 12:10

It’s kind of a double edged sword.

You mention they live in another country. If it is America the word makeover is perceived differently than here. (Citizen of several countries but was raised and educated mostly in America).

I think the intent of the offer of a pampering gift and outfit comes inherently from a place of love. If there is a directive on what the pampering includes and the outfit choice must suit them then there is a element of control.

I try to live my life by first thinking “presume positive intent” until proven otherwise. You’re in a tricky situation.

This is truthful so I would respond: the long COVID has really knocked me back and I appreciate your love and care very much but I am just not up to it at the moment. Of course your offer is so loving, could it be possible to have gift vouchers to use from (name what/ where YOU WANT) so that when I’m well enough to enjoy them I can?

diddl · 28/07/2021 12:10

[quote UndertheCedartree]@Eviethyme - I know I do come across a bit spoiled about this! Thinking back to when mine were toddlers I would have loved for them to take them so I could have a break. I wasn't able to ask them as me just asking my DM to take my DC's trousers off while I grabbed the nappy changing stuff (I was going to change the nappy) led to a huge row from my DF as I shouldn't have asked my DM to be any part of napping changing in care it ruined her 'finery'!![/quote]
OMG-of course you don't come across as spoiled.

Hair cut, facial, new dress isn't a treat for everyone-& no offer of a treat should have strings or make a person feel bad!

Your father told you off that you'd asked your mum to do something that might ruin her "finery"

That is one of the saddest things that I have ever read.

GothamGirl1970 · 28/07/2021 12:11

@Anoisagusaris

Exactly

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2021 12:13

[quote UndertheCedartree]@Bluntness100 - I definitely think this is part of it. I think they did genuinely want to treat me.[/quote]
Then don’t be all angsty, take it as intended and enjoy. It sounds like they love you and care for you. No ones parents are perfect, and it’s likely maybe you’re reading more into this than is intended,

Take it as a lovely gift, from people who love you and don’t stress further.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 12:35

@Anoisagusaris - I don't think they'd be happy to change the plans but maybe I would find a facial relaxing too - I've not had one before.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 12:39

@GothamGirl1970

It’s kind of a double edged sword.

You mention they live in another country. If it is America the word makeover is perceived differently than here. (Citizen of several countries but was raised and educated mostly in America).

I think the intent of the offer of a pampering gift and outfit comes inherently from a place of love. If there is a directive on what the pampering includes and the outfit choice must suit them then there is a element of control.

I try to live my life by first thinking “presume positive intent” until proven otherwise. You’re in a tricky situation.

This is truthful so I would respond: the long COVID has really knocked me back and I appreciate your love and care very much but I am just not up to it at the moment. Of course your offer is so loving, could it be possible to have gift vouchers to use from (name what/ where YOU WANT) so that when I’m well enough to enjoy them I can?

Thank you, this is helpful. I think the offer is coming from a place of love but also there is an element of control. A few years ago I would only have seen the control but I've tried to let go of some things from my childhood as well as trying to see things as more 'grey' than black or white.
OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 28/07/2021 12:41

You should try a facial, they really are lovely. Or let them book you a facial and then change the booking to something else.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 12:41

@diddl - it makes me sad too. And who uses the word 'finery'?! He can be very difficult. Thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 12:44

@Bluntness100 - thank you, I appreciate that. I think maybe I need to get the angst out in order to be able to enjoy it! I would like to do something nice with my DM I just don't want to feel upset and stressed during it.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 12:45

@Anoisagusaris - you're tempting me! Smile Maybe I should try something new?

OP posts:
diddl · 28/07/2021 13:20

[quote UndertheCedartree]@Bluntness100 - thank you, I appreciate that. I think maybe I need to get the angst out in order to be able to enjoy it! I would like to do something nice with my DM I just don't want to feel upset and stressed during it.[/quote]
It really depends on how much you would be able to decide for yourself, doesn't it?

GoWalkabout · 28/07/2021 13:32

'On reflection I think your offer - while probably meant well - is a little offensive and focuses on my appearance, not on me - there's more to me than a new look. I will therefore decline the gift on this occasion, but no hard feelings here.' Well done on improving your self esteem.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/07/2021 13:37

they are very generous. For example they recently bought a static caravan and have let my DB and me use it when they're not.

That's not very generous at all. That is just normal parent behaviour. What kind of parent wouldn't offer to let their children use a caravan now and again when they weren't using it? Unless their chikldren were unuusally destructive. If they have convinced you that this is some kind of extra-special generosity then they have really messed with your head!

GothamGirl1970 · 28/07/2021 13:57

I would not want to disrespect my parents with being confrontational. Relationships are about communication and respect. You love them. They love you. The issue is with the hand off. How they verbally delivered the gift, or your perception of it, and as individuals different things matter to us.

If you want nothing to do with the makeover you keep your boundaries.

Perhaps during lockdown you started a hobby. You need something for your flat. You’d like to take language lessons. Whatever matters to you.

I would be gracious and explain that you’re not feeling “makeover “ but you know they are trying to show love and gift you. But what would really make you happy is ……….. fill in blank

notyourrealaunty · 28/07/2021 14:24

I think your first sentence sums up why you are not being unreasonable. The gift is not an unconditional gift of love sadly, it is about them finding a way that you will meet their expectations and values by looking a certain way. This doesn't mean that they are not loving but I think it is important to think about how a gesture can seem well meant but can be offered to make the parent feel better. It seems like you are managing to free yourself of those messages about the value they place on appearance (perhaps because you are not hearing them so much?) and lovely that your confidence is growing! Could you consider explaining how you feel or writing a little note to do that. Parents don't always realise what messages they are passing on (may have received themselves when they were younger) but your new found confidence is precious so do whatever is best to keep a hold of it. Person centred counselling was hugely helpful to me many years ago and in time it improved my relationship with my parents because they were so good and loving but definitely conditional with approval and I felt better when I understood it.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 16:34

@diddl - yes
@AmaryllisNightAndDay - well, I guess it feels extra generous because they have literally never let us do anything like that before. They are very precious over their belongings - you can get into all sorts of grief for touching the wrong thing! They have had a caravan and apartment in a holiday spot for a very long time but never let us use them. I'm still quite shocked they have let us use the new caravan and not sure why. I took my DC in half term and it was lovely but I was slightly on edge about the DC making a mess or damaging something! Overall it was lovely, though and I am very grateful to them letting us use it.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 16:36

@GothamGirl1970 - I really don't think that would work with them. I'm pretty sure they'd just try and persuade me to do the 'makeover'. My DF is incredibly controlling - it's his way or the highway!

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/07/2021 17:04

I guess it feels extra generous because they have literally never let us do anything like that before. They are very precious over their belongings - you can get into all sorts of grief for touching the wrong thing

Then there really is something a bit wrong with them. "Different" to put it mildly. And not really kind. They may love you very much but theirs is not normal parenting. They have been so withholding throughout your life that you are grateful for crumbs of their affection and generosity. I hope you are much kinder to your own children than they were to you.

workwoes123 · 28/07/2021 17:23

Hmm. You happily choose to live in a different country (me too) and your confidence increases when you are away from them …? That’s a couple of big clues right there.

What nationality are your parents OP? And where are you living now? Purely nosiness on my part, I confess, but I lived in a number of different countries and attitudes to grooming and appearance vary very very widely. Try arriving in bourgeois, urban France with a wardrobe that was suited to rural New Zealand 🙄😂 that was a shock to the system.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 21:15

@AmaryllisNightAndDay - I very much hope I am! Tbh, a lot of my parenting has been based on 'what would they do?' and do the opposite!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 21:17

@workwoes123 - my DP are English but live in Spain (have done for 15 years) I still live in England.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 29/07/2021 08:32

The more you post the worse they sound. I don't think you sound ungrateful at all, you sound like someone trying to manage a controlling relationship where you are not supported, and any "kind" action may have subtle strings attached.

MMMarmite · 29/07/2021 08:33

Plus a facial is not a treat if you dont enjoy strangers touching you!

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