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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want to give me a 'makeover'

132 replies

UndertheCedartree · 27/07/2021 15:30

So the backstory is my parents have always been focused on appearance. I was always expected to look smart as a child and encouraged to wear shoes with little heels and makeup from quite young. As part of this they focus on weight a lot. When I was very unwell a few years ago I lost a lot of weight and was underweight. They appeared delighted and said how great I looked!

Anyway, I've not seen them for a long time due to Covid as they live in a different country to me. But they have now come over to visit. I'm sure I look quite different to last time they saw me as due to a low thyroid and medication I have gained weight and obviously I probably look a little older. I've had Long Covid and just starting to get over it which hasn't helped. But it is what is it.

My DM said today they would like to give me a 'makeover'. They want to pay for me to have my hair done, a facial and to take me shopping for clothes in particular 'a nice dress'. My initial reaction was to feel pleased and thank them for it. But they've gone now and I notice I feel a bit rubbish like my appearance is being judged again. I realise that in the time I've not seen them my confidence in my appearance has improved massively despite objectively looking worse!

By the way I know they have done this to be nice and it is very generous of them. And it is up to me to deal with my reaction to it.

So AIBU to feel bad about being told I need a makeover?
YANBU - it makes sense you feel like that and doesn't make you ungrateful
YABU - you are being very ungrateful and reading too much into it

OP posts:
CHIRIBAYA · 27/07/2021 17:45

Your feelings are a bit of a giveaway aren't they? You are not a doll. They are objectifying you. If you re-read your thread you will see that you already understand the very important distinction between the objective and the subjective in relationships, to ourselves and to others.

1forAll74 · 27/07/2021 17:50

No, I wouldn't want to look ,like others think I should look, whatever their reasons ,I don't like other people's views on my appearance.

DGFB · 27/07/2021 17:54

Most parents like their kids to look neat I think.. in company at least. I think you’ve prob got low self esteem, some of it related to your parents, some of it not.
They probably meant well? I can imagine my parents saying it but not meaning to be offensive

Tal45 · 27/07/2021 18:01

God I couldn't cope with people who were so obsessed over appearance. Are they actually nice people or just superficial and judgemental? I would say to them you feel like they worry too much about your appearance and you'd like them to value you for other things such as X, Y or Z.

mumsyme2 · 27/07/2021 18:04

Your parents sound awesome to me! But I also get where you're coming from so...I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you're just having flashbacks of your childhood and it makes you sad. Nothing unreasonable about that. Sorry :( (but take the makeover girl!)

diddl · 27/07/2021 18:09

@Durbeyfield

I’d love it, take them up on it.
Because you would like it the Op should do it??!!
Demortuisnilnisibonum · 27/07/2021 18:12

They may be motivated by a shallow obsession with appearance, or they may also genuinely care for you and want to give you a treat. Personally, I’d accept, having been through a shit time. Hopefully, it will make you feel better, regardless of motive. I understand how you’d feel uncomfortable, but if you fancy being pampered, it might ultimately feel good.

godmum56 · 27/07/2021 18:15

I get being offered a spa day or similar although I'd hate it but I can't help feeling that if anybody however close and loving, offered me a makeover, unless I had hinted I would like one, I'd want to know what they thought was wrong with me the way I am....and yes I would feel judged and annoyed.

diddl · 27/07/2021 18:33

"or they may also genuinely care for you and want to give you a treat."

It's not the sort of thing that everyone would see as a treat though is it?

And if they know that it wouldn't be for Op-why offer it?

Demortuisnilnisibonum · 27/07/2021 19:20

Using the word, ‘makeover,’ is a red flag. If they’d suggested a, ‘pampering session,’ it would feel nicer. However, I would still accept, if I thought it would feel good and give me a boost. You don’t see them that often, so it only needs to matter on a deeper level, if you want it to. Do what feels good for you. You could treat it lightly (shallowly!) if you wished - your choice. You are in charge of your feelings, not them Flowers

lljkk · 27/07/2021 19:26

yanbu but if you get a nice dress, lovely facial massage & free good quality hair cut out of it... I'd let them indulge.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/07/2021 19:43

"Most parents like their kids to look neat I think.. in company at least"

Neat as in not dragged through a hedge backwards maybe, but not necessarily well-groomed. My parents have never said I should buy new clothes or get a new hairstyle and I'd hope they don't care.

VanGoSunflowers · 27/07/2021 19:46

I think context around the conversation matters. If you’d started by talking negatively about your appearance and telling them you wanted to ‘look better’ then their offer was a nice one…

However, that does not appear to be the case at all from OP so you’re definitely not BU

godmum56 · 27/07/2021 20:01

@lljkk

yanbu but if you get a nice dress, lovely facial massage & free good quality hair cut out of it... I'd let them indulge.
my idea of hell
godmum56 · 27/07/2021 20:03

@Gwenhwyfar

"Most parents like their kids to look neat I think.. in company at least"

Neat as in not dragged through a hedge backwards maybe, but not necessarily well-groomed. My parents have never said I should buy new clothes or get a new hairstyle and I'd hope they don't care.

but surely when the kids are adults, what they would "like" becomes irrelevant? And even with children the implied criticism of a "makeover" is not kind
CHISistoast · 27/07/2021 20:05

I can relate to this... How much control will you have over choosing the hairstyle, dress etc? If total control, then great. If not, no, you are too old (as an adult I mean), to have your mum and dad interfering.

Horehound · 27/07/2021 20:06

Well, I'd just see it as "does my hair need doing?" Probably..so go for it 🤷

diddl · 27/07/2021 20:11

They could have just asked Op what could they treat her to instead of trying to get her to do what they want under the guise ióf a treat.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 27/07/2021 20:15

@Eviethyme

What id of done to have parents that would pay for me to pamper myself 😂 I have 2 toddlers so I always look haggered. I would accept it and just use it as a nice pamper session. Sometimes it's nice to feel good and have your hair done etc
What if the money had been given on the proviso that the hairstyle/clothes/manicure were not what you had chosen but what the giver wanted you to look like ?
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 27/07/2021 20:19

For example my mother has promised to buy me clothes "as long as they are under a size 14" (when I was an 18) and offered to pay for a haircut on the basis that it was for blonde highlights only - which I couldn't afford to maintain at the time of the offer and didn't want.

Clancey · 27/07/2021 20:19

Offer to pay for them to have counselling.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 00:34

Thank you so much this has really made me feel better. It is so hard when you have a bit dysfunctional relationships to feel you must do a certain thing - but now I feel I have options!

I don't think it is coming from a bad place - they definitely see it as a treat for me. But unconsciously I think that is influenced by their focus on appearance. I can imagine them probably having a chat about how overweight I was and run-down looking and were probably quite concerned.

I was actually thinking I might prefer to have a facial with my mum so it's a treat we can have/do together rather than just focusing on sorting me out!!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 00:36

@DrunkenKoala - I think I'd be choosing the hair but my DM would probably want some input on the clothes. It's probably the think I feel least comfortable about.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 00:40

@NeverDropYourMooncup - I've not had them. I can't say I enjoy the 'sensations' of a hair cut but I like they way I look afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 00:43

@Crowsaregreat - thank you, yes this is true. They don't seem to be that concerned about me being unwell or how I feel about things.

OP posts: